Bracing the Blue Line (26 page)

“Here,” she says, turning to lay back down as she hands me the camera.

I lay on my side, propped up by my elbow, and turn it on. Lifting it to my face, I look through the lens at her. Before I take one, Lucy holds up her hand and leans down to pick up her shirt from the floor. She puts it back on and lays down again. Then I start clicking away. After the fourth shot, she holds out her hand.

“You're making me nervous.”

“How so?” Because I'm taking pictures of her?

“You have my camera. I don't ever let anyone hold it, so you're making me nervous. Not that I don't trust you, but give it back before I get paranoid.”

I laugh, handing it back over. “Sounds like you already are.”

Lucy sets it on the nightstand and cuddles up to me. She's quiet for a few minutes, her fingers constantly moving around the small area of my back where her hands are. “I'm a little scared about telling you. Things might change between us or even worse, you'll treat me like Jon and Corey. Like I'm fragile when I'm not.”

“I know you aren't, Lucy, but you can back out if you're worried about it.”

“No, I'm not going to do that. I just wanted to tell you I was scared. I...I haven't talked about it in a long time, so be patient with me, okay?”

“Of course.”

Her phone rings and she sighs before getting up and going to grab it from her purse. “Hey, Patrick,” she answers, coming back to me. I listen to her side of the conversation. “I'm with Grant. Yes. No. I'm sure.” She laughs. “I love you too. Bye.”

“Checking in?”

“Yeah. Let's go to sleep?”

I pull her closer and kiss her softly. “Whatever you want.”

Those blue eyes peek from underneath long, black lashes. “Thank you, Grant.”

AUDRA HAS CLASS tonight, so I'm meeting her at her place for lunch before she goes into work for a couple of hours. I text her that I'm on my way, and she responds that she wants a quick back massage before I leave. I can't help but smile. Ever since I left her house the other night, I've had a good feeling about things. We start childbirth classes next week, plus a doctor's appointment again. Our date is Sunday afternoon with a three game weekend starting Thursday. I want to ask her about moving in, but I'm not sure. Not to mention that means kicking my friends out. This baby will be here before the school year ends, so I don't know if they'll be able to find another place or not. Especially when they aren't paying rent now. I can think about it later. Maybe ask Bo his opinion.

“Audra?” I call as I walk into her apartment with the bag of food.

“Down here,” she answers.

I follow the sound of her voice after placing the bag on the kitchen table, which leads me to the hallway leading to her room. My eyes almost pop out of my head as I see her balancing on a stepladder as she reaches for something in the top of the closet.

“What the fuck are you doing, Audra?” I shout, rushing to her and grabbing a gentle hold on her hips. “Get down! Are you fucking crazy?! You could fall!” The images of the horror play in my mind as she steps down back onto the floor. “I told you I was on my way. Why the hell couldn't you have waited? God damn it!” I run a hand in my hair and begin to pace now that she's safely on the ground and off the death trap of a stepladder.

“Neil, I was fine.”

“No, you weren't! You could have lost your balance, Audra! You can't do shit like that! I can't-” I turn to face her and stop myself before I can yell at her further. Her eyes are watery. Shit, I've upset her and probably scared her. I reach out to take her hands, pulling her into my arms, wrapping her in a hug. “I'm sorry. I'm so sorry,” I whisper over and over to her as her shoulders shake while she begins to cry.

“You can't what?” her voice croaks into my chest, asking the one question I wish I didn't have to answer. Maybe if I'm silent long enough, she'll magically forget it. “You can't what, Neil?” she asks again.

I sigh. “There's something I should tell you. You might hate me afterwards.”

Audra lifts her head, granting me the opportunity to wipe away her tears. “Why?”

“C'mon, let's go sit down.”

She follows me into the living room, and we have a seat on the couch. Audra turns towards me, so she can listen to every word. For a moment, I wonder if I could get out of this somehow, but then Bo's words about the Lanier's pass through my mind again. I was going to have to tell her eventually. With a deep breath, I tell her what no one at the university knows, with Bo as the sole exception.

“In high school, I was dating this girl, Candace. She meant everything to me, especially once I found out that she was carrying my baby. We were in our senior year and we were careless. Not once did I question being there for them both. I wanted to be. I loved her.” I take a shaky breath.

Audra holds my hand and quietly asks, “What happened?”

“Her parents and little sister left for the weekend and she wasn't feeling well, so she didn't go to my game.” My throat tightens and I remove my hand from hers, leaning forward with my elbows on my knees to rest my face in my hands. God, I don't want to go through this. I don't want to say it. I don't want to tell her. Audra starts rubbing my back for comfort.

“There was something on the top shelf in a closet that was at the top of the stairs that she wanted.” I swallow what feels like a huge lump in my throat. “She was short to start with, but she needed a stepladder to reach that far up. When she fell, she was so close to the stairs that she tumbled all the way down, and...she was dead before the game even started that night. I didn't get there until after my game was over.”

I squeeze my eyes closed as images of her on the floor resurface in my mind. She hit her head a few times on the way down, which killed her before she could get any help. Once she died, so did our baby. The panic I felt overwhelmed me at seeing her like that was just as strong as what's still surging through my veins at seeing Audra on that stepladder. I take another deep breath, so I can keep going.

“I didn't know she was lying at the bottom of the staircase dying while I was at my game. Calling her parents was one of the worst phone calls I've ever had to make.” I swallow hard and continue, “Afterwards, I had a really hard time dealing with it. Almost quit hockey and my relationship with my parents was really rocky, still is. That's why I panicked when I saw you. I can't lose you too, Audra. I can't.”

Finally, I turn to look at her. The tears are back in her eyes, so I pull her to me. My chest feels a little lighter now than it did a while ago. She doesn't say anything for a bit, and neither do I. I have no words left right now.

“That's why you're so good at helping me,” she whispers. “Because you been through it before. I'm so sorry.”

“Don't do anything risky ever again,” I plea softly.

“I won't.”

“Thank you.” I kiss the top of her head, ready to be away from this topic already. “Hungry? What did you want in the closet?”

“My quilt. It's a little chilly at night in my room, and I keep forgetting to get it down. And yes, I am. What did you bring?”

I get her quilt for her and then we go into the kitchen. I start pulling out our dinner, burgers.

“Mmmm,” Audra hums. “Just what I was wanting too.”

I smile, feeling accomplished. “What do you want to drink?”

“Iced water, please,” she answers, taking a seat.

I fix it for her and ask her to stand. She does and gives me a look when I take her seat and pat my lap. “I'll let you know if my legs fall asleep,” I grin. “C'mon. You want a back rub, don't you?”

“Yeah,” she says, taking a seat on my lap. “But aren't you going to eat?”

“I can eat on the drive back.”

“Are you sure? You shouldn't eat and drive.”

“Pretty sure you mean text and drive, but I'm positive.” I don't bother starting at the top like last time. I dig my thumbs into her lower back, immediately earning a groan.

“Both are dangerous, but I don't care if you eat while you drive. Don't stop,” she ends with a moan.

“Might want to quit making all the noise, so
you
can eat.”

“Right. Go a little lower.”

Between the burger and my hands, Audra makes a grunt-like moan or a long “mmm.” I can't stop grinning. It's ridiculous how good and accomplished I feel by doing this for her. It's also crazy that it turns me on. My hands aren't stopping, so let's hope Audra doesn't notice.

“Neil?” she questions after a few minutes.

Something about her voice makes me look up from the work I'm doing. Her burger is halfway to her mouth and her bottom shifts in my lap, like she's trying to get comfortable. Suddenly, she stands and faces me, her eyes about to bulge from the sockets.

“What is that?!” she exclaims.

“What?” Her gaze drops to my black jogging pants and I laugh. “Nothing you haven't felt before, Audra.” Her eyes get even wider. “Sit back down.” I take her hand, pull her back to me, and make her sit.

She seems cautious as she begins to eat again. No sounds come from her now. After a few minutes, she says softly, “I'm sorry about what happened with Candace. I can't stop thinking about it. You finding her and then having to tell her parents.” Audra shakes her head. “I wish it didn't happen and that it wasn't you that had to be the one to do those things.”

My hands freeze. Part of me hoped that once I told her, that would be that and we wouldn't have to talk about it anymore. I rest my forehead between her shoulder blades with my eyes closed.

My voice is gruff as I try to stay in the present. “They know about you.”

“Who?”

“Her family.” Clearing my throat, I explain, “Bo and I visit them every Sunday. They don't live too far from here. That Sunday after you showed up, Bo told them what happened, how I treated you. Her father is the one who helped me get the job. They reminded me of the type of person I was before. So, here we are. Every week when I go see them, they ask how you're doing and her little sister wants to know when she can meet the baby. She's so excited.”

Audra turns sideways in my lap and wraps her arms around my shoulders. I bury my face in the crook of her neck. Her fingers dig into the hair at the base of my neck. “How old is she? Her little sister?”

“She's six. Turns seven this weekend. I have to go to her birthday party.” As an afterthought, I add, “I still need to get her a present.”

“You could get one Saturday when we go shopping. Unless her party is then?”

“No, it's Sunday.” I pull away from her neck, my stomach a ball of nerves as wonder if I should ask this. Bo was right, damn it. I hate when he's right. “Do you want to go with me?”

I wasn't expecting a frown, but her lips do indeed dip. “Are you sure they would want me to be there?”

“They would love to meet you, Audra. If you don't want to go-”

“No, I'll go if you want me to,” she interrupts. One hand goes to her belly, a tell-tell sign that she's nervous about this. Me too, Audra. Me too.

“It'll be fun,” I promise. “What's more fun than a bunch of six and seven year olds at a birthday party?” She nods but doesn't say anything. I kiss her temple, wishing I didn't have to leave yet, but I do. “I need to go. So do you. Don't forget that I won't see you Friday, but call if you need anything, okay?”

“Okay. Ma said we were going to your game Saturday, by the way.”

Once I nod, she stands. I grab my burger, kiss her temple one more time, and then leave. I'm not really hungry anymore, so I go ahead and call Bo. As soon as he answers, I go right into it.

“I told her everything. She's coming to Alice's birthday party and she and her mom are coming to the game Saturday. What in the hell has my life become?” I'm a breath away from freaking out.

Bo laughs. “I'm glad you told her and that things seem to be going well. Alice is going to go nuts. Does this mean I get to have Sunday off?”

“Seriously? That's what you're focused on? Audra is going to meet the Lanier's!”

“Calm down, Neil. It'll be fine.”

I hope so. I can't handle anything else. “There's another thing.”

“What is it?” he asks.

“She lives in a one bedroom apartment. My place is bigger and I'll be more helpful if we live together, but there are issues with me asking her. She got ill the first time and then there's all you guys. I mean, y'all can stay if you want, but I doubt y'all are going to want to always be careful about waking a baby or having to listen to her cry.”

“Don't worry about us, Neil. As long as you give us plenty of time, we're good. As for Audra, maybe wait a little longer to bring it up to her. You don't want to overwhelm her.”

No. No, I don't.

Instead of going home, I go to the rink. I want to get away for a while.