Bracing the Blue Line (24 page)

THAT GIDDY, HAPPY go-lucky mood is dead tonight. We lost, but it was a tough, well-fought game. It's better to go down fighting than to be on the ice like there isn't a hockey game in progress. So I'm not happy, but I'm not angry either. Only sore from a couple of hard hits and my mood is pretty mellow, really. I'm hoping Audra will still be in a good mood. I knock on the door and brace myself, just in case.

She opens the door with a subtle smile. Her long, dark brown hair is up in a ponytail and she's wearing sweatpants and a shirt that engulfs her figure. Yeah, she's pregnant, but there's still a body in there. And besides, I like seeing her belly.

“Hey, Neil,” Audra greets, surprising the hell out of me when she steps forward to hug me.

“Hey, Audra. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” she sniffs, not sounding okay at all. I lean back and cup her cheeks to see her eyes are a little puffy.

“C'mon,” I say gently, taking her hand and tugging her inside. We go to the living room, and I see a couple of Kleenexes lying on the table. I pull her down next to me on the couch and turn towards her. “What's wrong?”

“You're late.” That's all she says as if that explains everything. I am late because I forgot my work clothes at the house and had to go back to get them. So I'm only like thirty minutes late. Audra glances at me, sees my confusion, and starts rubbing her stomach, something I've learned she does when she's upset. “I tried to call you, but you didn't answer. I started to worry because I didn't know if you had gotten into an accident or got really hurt in the game or something and you suddenly died and then I wouldn't have any help and our daughter wouldn't have a dad.” Her voice cracks on that last word before she bursts into tears.

I pull her into a hug and try to soothe her. “I changed my phone to silent before the game and I did text you to let you know, but it must not have gone through for some reason. I'm sorry I worried you, Audra,” I whisper into her hair.

“I'm pregnant, you should never have your phone on silent,” she scolds through a hiccup.

“Won't happen again,” I promise, wishing she would go ahead and stop crying. Hate, hate, hate seeing pregnant women cry, especially Audra. She pulls back, wiping her tears away, but I tug her to me again. “You look tired. Do you want to go lay down?”

“No, I'm fine. How was the game?”

“We lost, so it's good that you didn't go.” I chuckle. “Here, rest your head right here and lay down. You'll make me feel better.” I grab the pillow from next to me and place it on my lap. Audra rolls her eyes at me, but lays down anyway. “How was your day?”

“Aside from my breakdown just now, pretty good. Yours?”

“The same.”

We're quiet for a few minutes before she speaks again. “When did you decide that you really wanted her?”

I clear my throat to buy a little time, but I decide to be honest. “I don't know when exactly, Audra. It was just obvious today.”

“We'll need to start childbirth classes soon.”

“Okay.”

“I'm going shopping this weekend too, if you want to go.”

“Okay. That sounds like fun.”

Audra laughs and rolls onto her back so she can look at me. “Really?”

“Of course.” Okay, I don't like the idea of shopping itself, but I haven't bought anything for baby girl yet, and I do want to do that. “Saturday, right?”

“Yes.” She reaches up, grabs my chin between her thumb and forefinger and turns my head left and right a couple of times.

“What are you doing?” I laugh.

“Between you and me, she's going to be a beautiful.”

I put my hand on her stomach and nod. “Yes, she will be.” Seeing Audra like this, I realize that there's something else I want. We need to talk more about how things will work after the baby comes. But there's something else. I don't know if I should bring it up or not. Hopefully, I won't upset her. This is all Bo's fucking fault anyway. I'll blame him if I do.

“Audra, could I talk to you about something?”

“Of course.”

“I would like for us to at least try to be in a relationship, if that's something you might want.”

She tries to hide her surprise, but she doesn't do a good job. “You want us to be in a relationship?” Audra asks skeptically. “For the baby, right?”

I shake my head. “No, for us. I don't want only a parent-type relationship with you. It wouldn't be so terrible to see if there was something romantically between us, don't you think?” I want to roll my eyes at myself. That sounds so ridiculous, but I don't have the perfect words to explain what I mean.

Audra is quiet for so dreadfully long. She watches me, obviously thinking about it. “I don't always say nice things to you,” she starts.

“I know,” I interrupt, preparing myself for her to say something not-nice again.

“And you still want to date me?” Her voice is soft, and I feel like there's something else she's worried about.

“Yep. Without a doubt.” I might not be good with words, but I have no problem being honest.

Audra slides her hands around her stomach and then rests them on her thighs. “I look like a whale. Are you just remembering what I looked like before when you look at me? Because I'm not getting that body back anytime soon. How are you even attracted to me right now?” She frowns like that is a seriously troubling question.

“You don't feel attractive, Audra?”

She shakes her head. “Not really.”

Audra's beautiful. Always has been. I don't like that she's not feeling pretty. “Stand up. Do you have a full length mirror and some lipstick?” She nods, looking confused. “Take me to it.” Reluctantly, she does. After she grabs the lipstick, I place it on the foot of her bed. I'll use that later. Her room is tidy, but small. I position her in front of the mirror and she's right. Our baby will be beautiful. We look really good together.

My fingers curl under her shirt and Audra tenses. “I'm going to take this off,” I tell her in a low voice.

“Neil, no.”

“You're beautiful and you know it because you said our baby would be beautiful too. I want to show you that you're beautiful like this too. Please?”

She stares at me through the mirror for a moment before nodding. I take her shirt off and throw it behind me without looking. Audra giggles, but sucks in a sharp breath when I rest my hands on her bare hips.

“Pants too,” I urge.

Her eyes widen. “Neil, definitely not.” She shakes her head. “I haven't shaved lately. Too much work, so it's not happening.”

“If it makes you feel better, I won't even touch your legs.”

Audra stares at me through the mirror before she unhappily removes her pants. She's tense, standing in front of me, our eyes still on the mirror. Audra looks tempting and lovely. Her bra is plain nude, but her underwear is a pair of black boy shorts. I kind of like them. I want to loosen her up a bit, so I grin. My hands slide up, turning into fists, and my knuckles brush the sides of her breasts.

“These,” I point at her breasts from the side, “are knockouts, huge and ridiculous.” They are larger than when I originally met her, and they are a great starting point to make her laugh. Audra gives me a small laugh and rolls her eyes. “I can guarantee you that these are grabbing a guy's attention way before this does.” I move my hands to her stomach.

I reach for the lipstick, uncap it, and move to the mirror. “Do you mind?” Once she shakes her head, I step out of the way and draw over where her breasts are in the mirror. Two circles side by side, and then I step in front of it, so she can't see it. Just above them, I write in all caps, 'KNOCKOUTS!' Then I write 'huge' in the left and 'ridiculous' in the right. When I move back to Audra, she laughs.

With my hands on her hips again, I let her look in the mirror for a moment before I make my next move. Slowly, I slide my hands down her sides as I lower my body. My hands are close enough that if I'm not careful, I'll touch her legs. I hover my hands over her thighs. First, down the back of them, then the sides, the front, and the sides again. I never touch them, and my eyes remain on hers the entire time.

“These legs are still fantastic. They lead the eyes all the way down,” my hands move to her calfs and back up, “and then up again.”

“They are thunder thighs,” she says quietly as if she doesn't want to mess up what I'm doing, but couldn't resist saying so. Her thighs aren't sleek, slender, or small. There's meat on those bones, and there's enough to make a man want to spread his fingers out, grab onto them, and wrap them babies around his waist. These legs, completely normal and sexy, add to her curves.

“And they work wonders because of it. Trust me.”

I move to the mirror and outline her legs. Just like last time, I move in front so she can't see. I decide she needs one more funny truth before we get serious. So this time, I write 'Thunder thighs make Neil go crazy'. When I step back, Audra smiles. I step behind her again and recount what we have so far.

“Okay, so we have 'huge and ridiculous knockouts' and those gorgeous 'thunder thighs' of yours.”

Audra almost sounds shy when she asks, “What's next?”

With my hands now on her arms, I glide them up to her shoulders. My fingers grab a handful of her hair. “Love your hair.” I place my hands on her neck with my fingers stretched out so I'm not holding her neck. I rub my thumbs up and down the back of her neck. “And your neck.” I drag a finger from her chin, up her jaw, to her ear. I trail her nose, lips, and eyebrows. “And your face. Everything about it is kind, sweet, a bit bad ass. It's beautiful.”

I outline her face and write in a column 'kind, sweet, bad ass, beautiful face'. Behind her again, I saved the best for last. With open palms, I rub her belly and turn my head towards her ear.

“My favorite,” I whisper. “This shows what your body is capable of. It's a reminder that our daughter is in there, being protected by her mom while she grows until she's ready to meet us. This is a pretty, round stomach that is carrying a life. What's more beautiful than that?”

She gulps as I leave her to go outline her stomach in the mirror. All I write inside it is 'our daughter'. When I turn around to face her, she has tears in her eyes. Thankfully, they don't fall over.

“Thank you,” she says softly. “You put it all into perspective and made me appreciate the changes.” Audra turns and starts to redress.

“We didn't even talk about your ass,” I comment, dragging my eyes down her backside. Audra starts laughing and it's such a good sound to hear. I hope my daughter has that laugh. “So?”

“So what?” she asks, slipping her shirt back on to be fully dressed again as she faces me.

“Are you going to go on a date with me? Do you want to, I mean?” The urge to pace creeps into my system, but I resist.

“Yes, I do. Where are you going to take me?”

I smile. “I'll think of something.”

She raises an eyebrow. “You asked me out without having an actual date in mind?”

“Yep.”

And then, my gut tightens with nerves. My what if's have changed. I no longer think that my baby girl will feel like a simple obligation. She's my daughter and I'm her father. I'm excited to meet her. What if something happens and I don't meet her? What if I fall in love with Audra and I mess up? What if I do something so stupid, Audra tries to keep baby girl away from me? I don't think she would, but more bad things seem to happen when you're in love. Anything is possible.

That's the scariest thing of all.

I'm just getting ahead of myself because of past experiences.

“Neil?”

I blink. Audra's standing in front of me now.

“Are you okay?” she asks, placing a hand on my arm.

“Yeah,” I answer. She doesn't look like she believes me. “Why don't we go lay down before I have to go?” I want to talk to baby girl, so I'm really hoping she'll fall asleep.

“Okay, sure.” We go into the living room, and I lay down first, pressed against the back of the couch. Audra looks unsure for a moment before she comes to lay in front of me. I rest my hand on her side before sliding it forward to the front of her stomach. “Neil?”

“Yeah, Audra?”

“I don't know what you were thinking a minute ago, but by the look on your face, it wasn't good and it's worrying me. Please don't start freaking out or being distant or anything. I mean, don't change, okay? I need you to stay who you have been with me lately. I don't want you to go anywhere.” She puts her hand over mine, interlocking our fingers.

I swallow hard. “I'm not going to leave, Audra. Promise.”

Her voice is low, but I definitely hear her. “Good because I like having you here.”

No words come for a response. It only takes about five minutes before she's sound asleep. Unfortunately, not many words appear for baby girl either. I gently rub her belly as I utter into Audra's shoulder, “I love you, baby girl. That's all I got tonight.”