Board Stiff (Xanth) (8 page)

“What about below ground?”

Pewter considered. “That might be regarded as a trapdoor. The pun virus shouldn’t be able to get through there.”

Kandy wondered, but let it be. Pewter surely had some expertise in viruses.

“Good enough,” Ease agreed. “Let’s be on our way.”

“Where are we going?” Astrid asked.

“Wherever it was we were going before we got sidetracked here,” Ease said.

Astrid didn’t argue the case. Neither did Kandy. Where they were going was largely random.

They walked back out of the cave. “Hey, Giant!” Pewter called. “We’re leaving the cave in your charge. Try not to step on it.”

“What about web cams?” the Giant called from far above. Evidently he had recovered form Astrid’s stare.

“Watch them all you want. Just don’t let anyone intrude in the cave.”

Kandy wondered what a web cam was, but wouldn’t have asked even if she had been able to do so directly. She suspected it had something to do with sneak peaks at young women. The giant was male, after all.

They started walking away from the cave. Then a sequin on Astrid’s dress snagged on a section of brush and dropped to the ground. Her dress turned translucent.

“Really impressively human,” Pewter said. “I think I am coming to appreciate the power of panties.”

Astrid looked down. “Oops.”

“But why has your dress faded?” Pewter asked.

“These are Sequins of Events,” she explained. “Each time one falls off, my wardrobe malfunctions, and when we put it back on, we suffer a new Event. That’s how we came to your cave. It was an Event. Now we’re in for another.”

“That is interesting magic. The action of the sequins may not be random, since one brought you to me. We should consider this?”

“I need to get that sequin back on my dress before Ease’s eyeballs glaze.”

The android glanced at Ease. “Point taken. But plunging into an unknown Event without preparation is dangerous. What other aspects of your Quest should I know about so that I can act sensibly?”

He did have a point. MAYBE WE SHOULD TELL PEWTER ABOUT ME, Kandy thought to Astrid. PRIVATELY.

Astrid nodded. “Come here,” she told Pewter.

Pewter approached her. She whispered in his ear. Ease paid no attention; his eyes were locked on Astrid’s vaguely visible panties. He had not quite freaked out, but was getting there.

Then Pewter nodded. “Ease sleeps,” he said.

Ease lay down where he was, beside the sequin, and closed his eyes. In less than a moment, hardly more than an instant, he was asleep. Kandy reverted to her ghost form.

“Pewter, I need your guarantee of silence on what I am about to show you,” Astrid said.

“You have already shown me enough,” Pewter said. “I repeat: I appreciate its perfection, but it is not the sort of thing I crave to handle.”

“Not my body. Something else.”

“Is it relevant to the quest?”

“Yes.”

“Then I will keep your secret.”

“Good enough. Look at Ease’s board.”

“I don’t like that board. It whacked my monitor.”

“Look more carefully.”

The android did. Kandy focused on becoming visible. “That’s odd. It’s not exactly a board. It’s a—a transformed woman.”

“Hello, Pewter,” Kandy said. “I’m sorry I had to bash your monitor.”

“And she talks,” Pewter said.

“I am Irrelevant Kandy. I made a wish, but was transformed into a board,” Kandy said. “I return to my own form when my companion sleeps. Until I can escape this curse, I prefer to remain anonymous. I can direct the blows the board strikes so that they score, and I can project my thoughts when I try. I am Astrid’s friend. I try to guide Ease when he needs it.”

“That accounts for his occasional intelligence,” Pewter agreed. “I might be able to nullify the spell on you, if you prefer. However that nullification would remain in force only when you are in my vicinity.”

“Yes. For now it seems best for me to remain a board. But we thought it wise for you to know my nature, in case things become complicated in the course of the Quest.”

“It is wise,” Pewter agreed. “I will act with your best interests in mind, as part of the quest.”

“Thank you.”

The android glanced down at Ease. “Ease wakes.”

Ease woke. His eyes saw the translucent dress and started to go vague again.

“Now I think we can replace the sequin,” Astrid said.

“Of course.” Pewter picked up the sequin and fastened it to her dress, not suffering any of the distraction Ease had.

The dress immediately went opaque, and the scene changed.

Chapter 4:

Islands

“The events are definitely relevant,” Pewter said. “I feel the strong magic of both Sequin and Dress, locked in so that I can’t change its reality even on a spot basis. But I do know that we must fathom the relevance of each Event to our Quest before moving on to the next. The relevance of the prior Event was in adding me to the Quest.”

“That’s good to know,” Astrid said. “Now please let go.”

Pewter dropped the section of dress he had been holding to replace the sequin. His fascination had been with the dress rather than her form, in contrast to Ease’s attention. “So let’s see what we have here.”

They looked around. They were on an island, one of several. It was pretty, with a sandy beach, pleasant foliage, handsome trees, and a tall tower.

“Help!” It was the voice of an innocent maiden in distress.

They looked. There was a maiden in a turret atop the tower. She was waving a hankie and calling to them.

“A damsel in distress!” Ease said, interested.

“We’re not here to rescue damsels,” Pewter said.

“How do you know?” Astrid asked.

That set Pewter back. “This is not my home environment. I do not know. I had better Goggle it.”

“Do what?” Astrid asked.

“Tune in to the Outernet Search Engine, Goggle. It has many answers.”

“Ask it where the anti-virus solution is,” Ease said.

“It doesn’t answer that kind of question; it’s too serious. It’s Goggle, not Giggle. Goggle is for superficial questions.”

“Hilarious,” Astrid said, clearly not amused.

“Give me a moment to connect.” Pewter froze in place. Exactly one moment later he unfroze. “Goggle says damsels in distress should be promptly eyed and rescued.”

“We might almost have come up with that answer ourselves,” Astrid said sourly. “But you say this is relevant to our Quest?”

“I don’t know. Only that this Event is relevant. Rescuing a damsel may or may not relate.”

“Help! Please!” the maiden called.

Astrid sighed, echoing Kandy’s sentiment. Neither of them were enthused about adding more pretty maidens to their party. “So we’ll rescue her and send her on her way.”

They walked toward the tower. It was a good ten times the height of a man; obviously the maiden could not just jump to the ground. The round wall of the tower was featureless; it was not possible to climb it.

“Hello, Distressed Damsel,” Ease called. “Who are you and what do you want?”

“Hello, Handsome Man!” she answered. “I am Tiara and I want to be rescued from this elevated dungeon. I would be most grateful.”

She surely would. That was the problem. But how could they turn her down?

Astrid glanced at the board, obviously sharing the sentiment.

“Perhaps she knows something useful,” Pewter said. “We had better get on with it.”

“How?” Ease asked. “I can make things easy, but I have to know what I’m doing. I have no idea about this.”

“Fortunately I do,” Pewter said. “There is obviously an access so that her captor can bring her food, water, and remove wastes. There will be a tight spiral stairway inside the tower. We will access it.”

“But there’s no door!”

“No visible door,” Pewter said. “Masking illusion is the simplest of spells; I can undo it without vacating the firewall.” He went to the featureless base of the tower. “Illusion vacates.”

The featureless wall dissipated, revealing rough stone with a door inset. Pewter did know that he was doing.

“But it’s locked,” Ease said.

“Lock unlocks.”

There was a click as the lock unlocked. Then the door swung open to reveal the tight spiral stairway.

Kandy was really coming to appreciate Pewter’s ability to spot change local reality.

“Well, let’s go,” Ease said. Then he had a cautionary notion. “But suppose there are scorpions or things on the stairs?”

“I will go first,” Astrid said. “I will reason with any dangerous creatures that may lurk.” She touched her dark glasses meaningfully.

Kandy was also coming to appreciate the basilisk’s qualities.

Astrid entered the tower first, and started up the staircase. Ease followed, and Pewter was third.

“But it’s dark,” Ease said.

“Dark stones glow,” Pewter said, and suddenly there was comfortable light. They could see the steps clearly.

In barely more than a moment Astrid was on a coil of the spiral above Ease. Her marvelous legs under her dress showed plainly in the glow, all the way up to her glossy gray panties.

Ease started to glance up.

EYES FRONT!

His eyes returned to the steps immediately ahead. Kandy had just saved him from a terminal freakout. He really did need her guidance.

“Good job,” Pewter murmured. He knew what she had done. He might not be subject to panty freaks himself, but he knew that regular men were.

They proceeded up the stairway to the top. There was another locked door. “Door unlocks,” Pewter said, and it was so.

Astrid opened it and stepped out onto the turret. “Hello, Tiara,” she said. “I am Astrid, part of your rescue party.”

The girl, thrilled, hugged her. Kandy saw the sequins jiggle, but fortunately none fell off.

Ease was next to arrive. “I am Ease, your rescuer.”

“Thank you so much, Ease!” Tiara hugged him too, to his obvious enjoyment.

“And I am Pewter, completing the party,” Pewter said. “No need to hug me.”

They were in a small but neat round chamber with a bunk bed, table, chair, storage box, and windows. They sat on the bed while Tiara took the chair. She was indeed a pretty girl, with nice features in a nice print dress, large blue eyes, a cherry mouth, poised, except for one thing: her fair hair was wild. It looked as if it had a completely unruly will of its own that no brush or comb could conquer.

“So how come you’re locked up here?” Ease asked. “You a captive elf or something?

Tiara laughed. She had a pleasant laugh, too. “No nothing like that! I’m a normal girl. My sisters bring me food every day, and I have a virtual reality illusion game to keep me occupied.”

“A game?” Ease asked.

“Yes. It is marvelously inventive and fun. But it is about rescuing a maiden in a tower. That gets old fast.”

“Because you are a maiden in a tower,” Astrid said.

“Exactly. I don’t want to play the game, I want to get rescued myself.”

“We can rescue you,” Pewter said. “But we are cautious. We need to know why you are confined. Is there some horrendous spell that will destroy Xanth if you are freed?”

“No, of course not. It’s more personal. It’s because I don’t fit in.”

“Maybe you had better tell us the full story,” Astrid said.

“Oh, I wouldn’t want to bore you with such a tedious narrative.”

“Bore us,” Pewter said.

Tiara immediately complied. “I have many sisters, each with her special nature. There’s Apopto sis, who can program the death of cells. Ba sis, who always gets to the fundamental aspect of an issue. Cri sis, who handles difficult situations. Ellip sis who saves words that others omit. Gene sis who can make almost anything from almost nothing. Neme sis, who makes a bad enemy. Sta sis, who can make anything stop. They’re all very talented, and they all have very neat hair.” At this point Tiara choked up.

Kandy began to get a glimmer. The Good Magician had told Ease to “merge the hair.” Could this be the hair? How could it be merged?

“Hair,” Astrid prompted.

“And I don’t!” Tiara wailed. “My unruly hair is simply awful! I can’t do a thing with it. I am an embarrassment to them all. So they gave me this awful sarcastic name and put me away so as to be out of sight. But I hate being alone. I am a friendly person. I wish I could find and be with someone who doesn’t care about neat hair.”

Kandy found herself warming to this distraught young woman. If only she knew how much worse things could be than having bad hair! Such as becoming a board, or being a basilisk. But the problem really wasn’t with her, it was with her narrow-minded sisters who wanted her to conform in appearance, when she couldn’t. Just letting her out would not suffice; her sisters would simply put her back in the tower.

HAVE PEWTER FIX IT she thought to Ease. Maybe that would qualify as merging.

“Maybe Pewter can fix it,” he echoed. He never questioned the origin of his thoughts, maybe assuming that anything halfway smart must be his own.

“Let me see,” Pewter said. He approached Tiara and touched her wild hair.

Immediately it settled down, becoming neatly brushed and coiffed. “Check that,” he said.

Tiara went to her mirror on the wall. “Oh!” she exclaimed, delighted. “It’s perfect! Now I can rejoin my sisters.”

“Unfortunately there’s a catch,” Pewter said. “My talent is to change reality in my immediate vicinity, but the effect won’t last when I depart. This is merely an exploratory demonstration; we have not yet solved your problem.”

“Oh!” she wailed, crushed.

COMFORT HER Kandy thought to Astrid. BRIEFLY. Because too long a hold would intoxicate her.

Astrid embraced Tiara reassuringly. Kandy was sure this was an new and unfamiliar role for the basilisk, but surely one it was worthwhile for her to learn.

In a scant two moments Tiara, reassured, stepped away, looking slightly dizzy. “At least you showed me that you understand. You don’t seem to be repulsed by my hair.”

“Your hair has flair,” Astrid said. “Personality. Your sisters are wrong to insist that it conform. They should accept you for your other features, such as your magic talent.”

“But I don’t have a talent!” Tiara wailed anew.