Board Stiff (Xanth) (6 page)

In the morning Ease woke. Kandy promptly tuned out, not interested in overseeing his routine natural functions. But she overslept, because when she woke Ease was just entering the Good Magician’s dark cramped den. Well, Ease evidently hadn’t needed her; Wira or MareAnn must have guided him. That faintly annoyed her, ironically; she preferred to be in charge, even if she got no credit for it.

Good Magician Humfrey was a gnomish little man who looked to be a hundred years old, by no coincidence. He peered up from his giant open tome. “Who are you?”

Ease was taken aback. “I’m Ease. You’re finally ready to see me.”

“I saw you years ago, and sent you away, and later regretted it.”

“Yes. Now I’m back.”

Humfrey made a little shrug of impatience. “What do you want this time?”

“I want the perfect weapon, the perfect adventure, or the perfect woman: your choice.” He had evidently forgotten that he had decided on personal satisfaction for his Question. Well, these would do.

Humfrey scowled. He did it well; he had the face for it. “I don’t give people things, I provide Answers. What is your Question?”

For a moment Ease was at a loss, not having anticipated this distinction. So Kandy prompted him. HOW CAN I GET ANY OF THESE THINGS?

“How--”

“I heard,” Humfrey said curtly.

Both Ease and Kandy were surprised. “You heard my thought?” Ease asked.

The Good Magician paused slightly, glancing at the board. Obviously he knew about Kandy, which wasn’t surprising, considering that his wife knew. “In a manner. Here is my Answer: you already have all three of those things. You have merely to realize it.”

Kandy felt her sap warming with pleasure. She knew she was the perfect weapon for Ease, because she guided his clumsy strikes to make them score. He must be in his perfect adventure, maybe still unfolding. And according to the Good Magician she was his perfect woman. She really appreciated that recognition.

Humfrey looked directly at her and nodded ever so slightly. Oh yes, he knew. And wasn’t telling.

“But all I have is this board,” Ease protested. “I don’t even know where I’m going. And where is my perfect woman?”

“Your dream girl,” Humfrey said.

“My dream girl,” Ease repeated. “She
is
perfect. She has the most marvelous rear, and her kisses--” Then he realized he was speaking aloud. “What about her?”

“You will achieve her when you are worthy of her, and recognize her, and kiss her.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Par for the course,” Humfrey said. “That is why you will need Companions on your Quest. They may have some of the sense you lack.” It seemed that diplomacy was not the Good Magician’s strong point.

“Quest?”

“My assignment for you, in return for my Answer.”

“But--”

STIFLE IT. Kandy knew that the Good Magician had given a Good Answer, and that argument was worse than pointless.

Humfrey nodded faintly again. Kandy was coming to understand why folk had so much trouble with his Answers: they simply didn’t know enough to appreciate their relevance. Maybe it required the ordeal of a Quest to educate them enough to appreciate what they had.

“Now some necessary background,” Humfrey said. Then he paused, looking annoyed. “Oh, bleep!”

“Bleep?” Kandy was curious too. This did not seem like the Good Magician she had heard about.

Humfrey sighed. “I must explain. I hate explaining, but this time I have to. Every so often, maybe once in a decade, I foul up. That interferes with my interaction with the Book of Answers here.” He tapped the page. “When that happens, the Answer goes not into this book where it belongs, but into the Book of Lost Answers, where I have to look it up. It’s a bleeping nuisance. But there’s a problem.”

A PROBLEM? Kandy couldn’t help herself; she was womanishly curious.

“The Book of Lost Answers is itself fouled up, because of its nature. It is printed in the Elfabet, which only elves can properly handle. Things in its vicinity tend to spoil, such as food. The Wives don’t like the smell. One of them may have hidden it because of that. That means that not only can I not look up information I’m missing, I suffer forgetfulness, because part of myself is written in it. So I can lose track of things, such as the current Querent.”

“Querent?”

“You. The one who asks a Question, who queries. I should never have had to ask. Now my Answer will be necessarily incomplete, an aggravation. I am forced to speak vaguely.”

He had been doing that for decades, Kandy thought.

“More than usual,” the Good Magician said grumpily. “That lost book made me late for this interview. I simply have to move on without it, aggravating as it is.”

“Well, give me what you have,” Ease said, hardly grasping the problem. But Kandy did. It could be infuriating to lose something right when you needed it.

“Yes,” Humfrey agreed, speaking to both Ease and Kandy with different meanings. “There is a virus extant that destroys puns, Stuck-Net. It may have been developed in one of the more conservative regions of Mundania by anonymous parties and covertly released. It has to be stopped. Your Quest is to find and release the antivirus so that the puns can be saved. I regret I am unable to provide specific directions to the location of the antivirus, but my general information establishes that you will find it eventually.”

“Why? Who cares about puns? Nobody likes them. I’d be glad to see them all wiped out.”

“Because Xanth is largely made of puns. Without them it would be a hollow, dreary place, like Mundania.”

“Well, find somebody else to stop them. I’m not interested.”

“You speak as if you think you have a choice.”

“Well I
do
have a--”

STIFLE. YOU’RE STUCK IN THIS NET.

Ease did not understand his second thought, but there it was, cutting off his argument. “. . . duty to complete my Quest,” he concluded lamely.

“Exactly.” Humfrey closed his tired old eyes momentarily. “I can remember only one more thing, with the context gone. That is to Merge the Hair. That is what you must do when the time comes.”

“What time?”

“You will have to be the judge of that.”

“But I have no idea what this is about!”

“Perhaps in the course of your necessary travels you will develop an idea. The welfare of Xanth depends on it.”

Ease opened his mouth.

STIFLE Kandy repeated.

The Good Magician’s eyes returned to his book, dismissing him.

Downstairs MareAnn was waiting. “Ease, allow me to introduce a prospective Companion.”

“I don’t want a Companion,” Ease said shortly.

“You will need her as a bodyguard.”

“A woman as a bodyguard? Are you daft?”

MareAnn brought the person forward. “Her name is Astrid.”

“I told you--” Then he got a good look. Astrid was absolutely lovely in the Sequins of Events dress. Her ratty hair had been brushed out into a flowing brown mane that curled down around her shoulders and bosom all the way to her nicely rounded posterior. Her face was a marvel of maiden symmetry, and her large dark glasses lent an aspect of alluring mystery. Her legs were marvelously sculptured down to her petitely slippered feet. She was a sight to take away any man’s breath.

BREATHE! Kandy thought impatiently.

Ease gasped, restoring his breathing. “Uh, hello Astrid.”

“It’s so nice of you to have me along,” Astrid said. “I really appreciate it.”

“That’s all right,” Ease said. His objection to having a Companion had mysteriously faded out.

“But I need to warn you that her dress is special,” MareAnn continued.

“I see that.” His eyes were straining to take in the whole of it, especially where it moved with her breathing.

“The sequins must stay on. If one falls off, you must replace it immediately, or the dress will suffer a wardrobe malfunction. She can’t see well enough through her glasses to do it herself.”

“Replace immediately,” he agreed, his lips trying to restrain the drool as he gazed at the small ripple where a current of air tugged the hem near her lovely knees.

Kandy fought to bridle her jealously. She couldn’t afford it. It wasn’t Astrid’s fault that they had given her a drop dead beautiful body. Maybe that was because of her lethal nature.

“And you must leave her alone, apart from necessary cooperation. She is not for romance.”

“Romance,” he echoed raptly.

“I’m so glad you understand,” MareAnn said.

Understand? He understood none of it. Kandy knew she had her work cut out for her.

“I have prepared backpacks with food and tools,” MareAnn said. “You should be all right on the trail, especially considering Astrid’s protection.”

Ease finally recovered a bit of his common sense. “Where are we going?”

“Oh, didn’t the Good Magician say?”

“All he said was I had to find the antidote. He didn’t say where.”

“Then I suppose you will have to look for it.”

“The dress,” Astrid said. “I have a feeling it knows and will get us there.”

“You can talk to it? MareAnn asked.

“No. It’s just a feeling.”

“That dress,” MareAnn said. “I wondered how it got in with the ordinary dresses. I wonder if Humfrey put it there? For you to find? Those sequins--”

“I don’t know,” Astrid said.

“Well, it’s bound to take you somewhere. I just hope it’s where you need to go.”

Kandy hoped so too. She knew the dress was mischief. But as with men, it might be necessary to tolerate the mischief for the sake of the benefits they offered.

Soon they were on their way, wearing the backpacks, walking along the enchanted path with no immediate destination in mind.

They encountered a young woman walking toward them. “Hello,” she said brightly. “My name’s Penny. That’s because I’m collecting thoughts. I will give you a penny for yours.”

“I’m not much for thinking,” Ease said.

“Here is a penny.” She produced a shining copper coin.

Ease wanted the pretty penny. “Uh, I’m thinking that I have no idea where I’m going, but I hope it’s interesting.”

“Thank you.” She gave him the penny, and turned to Astrid. “You?”

“I am thinking that you are the type of girl I wish I could be, but I can’t.”

“Why not, if you want to be? You’re twice as pretty as I am.”

“Because I am a basilisk in human form. My direct gaze would kill you.”

“Oh. Thank you.” Penny flipped her a penny and hurried on.

“Bleep,” Astrid said. “Maybe I should avoid telling folk the truth.”

“No, tell them,” Ease advised. “I know the truth, and I think you’re fascinating.”

“I am forbidden fruit.”

“That, too, I guess. But I’ll try to be careful.”

Kandy feared that it was in part the very deadliness of the basilisk that intrigued him. Forbidden fruit was generally the most tempting. This was bound to be mischief.

Sure enough, mischief soon found them. Astrid saw a pair of large animals grazing beside the path, and skipped ahead to look at them more closely. But her skipping caused the dress to flounce, and a sequin dropped off. Immediately the dress went translucent, revealing the outline of her fine torso complete with bra and panties.

Ease froze in place. The sight was not clear enough to freak him out completely, but it was a close call.

“Oh look!” Astrid said. “There are words on their sides. PROB and IMPROB. What do they mean?”

Kandy focused, knowing that Ease would not be up to it. The animals were male bovines, bulls, probably siblings. So the words plausibly named or defined them in some manner. Maybe it was a pun.

Then she got it. PROB-A-BULL and IMPROB-A-BULL!

“Proba-bull and Improba-bull,” Ease said, relaying her thought though his mind was largely in stasis. He was still staring through her dress.

Astrid laughed deliciously. “Oh, that’s so clever! Thank you for figuring it out.”

“Welcome,” he replied automatically.

“Oh, I could kiss you!” Astrid said, turning around so that her skirt flared. Her legs needed no enhancement, but nevertheless got it.

DON’T
!! Kandy projected to her.

That jolted the basilisk girl back to reality. “But of course I won’t. We must not be social.”

A SEQUIN FELL OFF.

Astrid looked, and realized that she was not far from nude. “Oh, my! I didn’t know!”

PUT IT BACK ON

That jogged Ease out of his trance. He went to pick up the sequin, then kneeled to fasten it back in the place it had been. There was a pin on the back of the sequin that needed to be poked through the material and fastened to its clasp. But he was mannishly clumsy, failing to get it right.

Then Kandy realized it wasn’t just butterfingers. His position put him barely a hand-span in front of Astrid’s vaguely visible panties, and their power was stronger at close range. He was also breathing her perfume.

CLOSE YOUR EYES. HOLD YOUR BREATH.

He obeyed. That helped. He was finally able to get the sequin fastened. The dress went opaque.

NOW BACK OFF. BREATHE. OPEN YOUR EYES.

He did so. In a generous moment he was able to stand. He took a deep breath, opened his eyes, and looked around. “Wow!”

For half an instant Kandy thought he was expressing appreciation for the restored dress. Then she realized it was more.

They were no longer on the enchanted path. They were in a clearing in a forest near a hillside cave. There was a horrendous aroma.

“I recognize that smell,” Astrid said. “Invisible giant.”

Whose body odor was said to be like that of a hundred fat men sweating in unison. Indeed, this was every bit as bad. Invisible giants didn’t wash much.

Uh-oh. Kandy remembered stories about a place where an invisible giant herded stray travelers into a cave. It was best not to go there.

“I don’t like this,” Ease said. Then a bulb flashed over his head. “The sequin! When one gets put back on, it triggers an Event. This must be an Event.”

“It must be,” Astrid agreed. “We had better depart before the giant comes.”

There was a not-distant-enough yell. “
A-OOO-GAH!
” followed by the sound of splintering trees. Kandy saw a swath of trees depress as if being stepped on by a giant foot. As if? That was the giant!