Board Stiff (Xanth) (28 page)

They dismantled the pyramid, carefully. “She should not be long,” Mitch said. “We’re not that deep underground.”

Pastor made no response. He stood there looking up, unmoving.

“Oh!” Futura exclaimed, alarmed. “Something’s happened to him!”

“Don’t be concerned,” Tiara said. “He just saw Astrid’s panties and freaked out.”

“But she’s a basilisk!”

“In human form,” Tiara said. “Men don’t much care about a woman’s real nature, just her form, and Astrid was given the best. Her panties are potent. Mitch and Ease have learned not to look.” She snapped her fingers.

Pastor recovered. “Did something happen?”

“A passing indisposition,” Mitch said smoothly. “Astrid is on her way.”

Before long an arm appeared in the stone. “I’m back,” Astrid called.

They quickly reformed their pyramid and helped her safely out and down.

“Any danger?” Mitch asked.

“No. Just some harmless centipedes.”

“Centipedes! That’s a pun.”

“No, nickelpedes is the pun. Centipedes are just multi-legged bugs. The passage leads up to an old covered stone well. Whoever built the oubliette must have made it deliberately and hidden the exit so others wouldn’t know. There are even steps in the steepest part of it.”

“That’s ideal,” Pastor said. “Thank you, Astrid.”

“You’re welcome.” She glanced at him a fraction of a moment longer than necessary, as if assessing him as a potential companion. But he was shying away from her, so she knew he was not a prospect.

They formed the pyramid once again, this time helping Pastor and then Futura up into the hole. Ease started to freak as Futura’s legs swung over his head, but Kandy snapped him out of it with a curt thought. He had learned not to look at Astrid’s legs, but not, it seemed, at others.

“Thank you!” Futura’s voice called down. “We’ll do our best!”

“Welcome!” they chorused after her.

They were about to settle down to wait and rest, when there was activity at the entrance hole. The disk of light appeared as it was uncovered, and the pallet slowly descended. It was an unconscious woman. They lifted her off and put her on the hay, as Pastor and Futura had done for them, and let the pallet swing back up. Then it came down again, with another woman.

“They certainly don’t care about the safety of the distaff,” Mitch muttered. “We could attack them while they are unconscious and do anything.”

“Don’t you dare!” Tiara snapped.

“He has a valid point,” Pewter said. “Unconscious women are often considered fair game. The villagers seem not to care.”

In due course the first woman recovered consciousness. “What happened?” she asked dizzily.

Tiara did the honors. “You were drugged and lowered into the oubliette for safekeeping until the trial. I am Tiara, one of several others here.”

“But I didn’t do anything!” the woman protested.

“Neither did we,” Tiara said. “We merely stated that we are on a Quest to save the puns of Xanth, and it seems they don’t like puns, and here we are.”

“Oh. I am Tani. My talent is to make a pet of any nonhuman creature.”

“I don’t see why that would bother the villagers,” Tiara said. “Is there anything else?”

“Well, I didn’t know what to do with myself, because I don’t need countless temporary pets. One remains a pet until I tame another, then the first reverts, so it’s really not all that useful. So I went to see the Good Magician, and he assigned me to a Quest, but it didn’t work out. For one thing he didn’t tell me that I was supposed to be the leader, not a follower. By the time I realized, I was the only one left. So I was on my way home, a sadder and not much wiser girl, when I passed though PLO Village. The last I remember is explaining about being the leader.”

“They thought you might take over the village!” Tiara said. “So they dumped you in here.”

“They are paranoid,” Mitch said.

Then Tiara introduced the others, and explained about their own Quest.

“Well, at least now I know what happened, and maybe why,” Tani said.

The other woman stirred. Tiara went immediately to help and reassure her. It was evident that Tiara had deep sympathy for people in trouble or imprisoned, having lived as a prisoner so much of her life.

The other turned out to be Terri, whose talent was to jump forward in time to the next morning, to escape sadness on any given day. She had passed through the village, and they had given her a free meal and inquired about her talent—and suddenly here she was in a dungeon.

The others introduced themselves. Then they considered Terri’s case.

“You must have said something that made them suspicious of you,” Tiara said. “Just how did you describe your talent?”

“Well, it’s a little like a pun. To escape mourning, I go to the next morning. I have no memory of the intervening time, though nobody else ever seems to notice my absence. It does save me much grief, literally.”

“Mourning, morning,” Tiara said. “That does sound like a kind of pun. That explains it.”

“Explains what?”

“They hate puns. That’s why we’re down here. They thought you made a pun, so they drugged you and dropped you in the hole. But don’t worry; we have found a way out.”

“I do worry. This whole business is very depressing. So I think I’ll just jump to tomorrow morning. Bye.”

“Don’t jump yet!” Tiara said. But she was too late; Terri had already slumped to the hay.

But then she spoke again. “Hello, folk. I am Tammi, Terri’s alter-ego. Maybe I can explain some things.”

“Alter ego?” Tiara asked. “You mean like a different personality in the same body?” Kandy knew she was thinking of Demoness Metria, with her two alter egos.

“Yes. I was actually the original personality, but my talent spooked so many folk that they banished me and put Terri in my place. But they didn’t realize that her talent of jumping to the next morning would leave her body unattended, and so I take it back for those hours. Don’t tell.”

“But isn’t that something Terri should know about?” Tiara asked.

“She doesn’t want to know. She jumps ahead to leave her sadness behind; that would just bring it back. It would also require her to report that I’m not entirely gone. That could be more mischief. What other spirit might take over her body in her absence if I couldn’t?”

Tiara shrugged. “It’s not our business, I suppose.”

“Your name is Tammi?” Tani asked. “Mine is Tani. I hope we don’t confuse each other.”

“Maybe we’ll be friends,” Tammi said, laughing. “Then we’ll confuse others, but not ourselves.”

Tani laughed too. “I am short of friends at the moment.”

Tammi returned to Tiara. “Meanwhile I may be able to do your Quest some good, because of my talent.”

“You said it spooked others,” Tiara said. “What’s so bad about it?”

“I see through conspiracies.”

“Well, that seems helpful, not dangerous.”

“Including the dread Adult Conspiracy, when I was a child.”

“That would have been awkward,” Tiara agreed. “But really, what would be so bad about a child knowing what she will learn when she grows up anyway?”

“It’s a power issue,” Tammi said. “If children learned how to signal the stork, they might do it and cut the adults out of the picture. Who would need adults anymore? They could be dispensed with. So the adults conspire to make sure they retain their power base. They couldn’t afford to let me blab the truth, so they got rid of me, they thought.”

“But we wouldn’t do anything like that,” Tiara protested.

“You were never oppressed as a child? Punished for being different?”

It was as if she had struck Tiara with a solid pillow, rocking her back. Of course Tiara
had
been punished for having different hair.

Astrid came forward. “Perhaps we should introduce the rest of us.”

“No need,” Tammi said. “Terri’s experience is in my memory. You exchanged routine introductions with her. You are the basilisk.”

“Yes,” Astrid said, taken aback. “You said you might be able to help us. What did you mean?”

“You are here not entirely because you support puns,” Tammi said seriously. “You are here because you represent a perceived threat to four conspirators in the village. The puns were only the pretext.”

“How can you know this?” Astrid asked. “Terri never got to know the villagers before she was drugged and brought here.”

“Terri’s a nice girl. That’s her problem. She had no suspicions. But checking her memory, I recognize the pattern. Had I been in control I never would have been deceived. As it is, it’s a bit late.”

“You never met the villagers,” Astrid said. “Only the Mayor. Yet you say you know of four conspirators. Mayor Giles and who else?”

“No, Giles is not a conspirator. He honestly believes in what he is doing. In fact he’s an honest man. But he is a figurehead, doing the conspirator’s work. Once they achieve sufficient power, they’ll dispose of him.”

“How can you know this? You have no basis.”

“It’s part of my talent, the same way as your death-stare is part of yours. When I enter a situation, I know its nature, if it’s a conspiracy. That’s how I fathomed the Adult Conspiracy; no one told me its details.”

Astrid looked at the others. “We may be in trouble. How can Pastor and Futura change things if it’s not just innocent belief, but a planned conspiracy?”

“I doubt they can,” Tammi said. “They may change the villagers’ attitude toward puns, but that won’t address the real problem.”

“Then it must be up to us,” Mitch said. “We can use the escape tunnel and avoid the whole issue, or we can tackle it directly.”

“You have a plan?” Astrid asked.

“Yes, if you’re willing.”

“I can stun or kill folk, but I can’t change their minds.”

“I’m thinking of the way you took out the troll.”

“He was an inhuman beast. I didn’t mind putting him down. But I don’t want to hurt a village full of largely innocent people.”

“How about just four conspirators?”

“Now I begin to get your drift. But still, getting to them without setting off a riot could be a challenge.”

“With Tammi’s help you can do that.”

“I’m glad to help,” Tammi said. “I can see through conspiracies, but that doesn’t mean I like them.”

Mitch glanced at Tani. “We can use your help too. In fact it’s critical. Are you in?”

“Of course I’m in,” Tani said. “I couldn’t save my own Quest, but I’ll be glad to help save yours.”

“Ours might even be the Quest you were destined to help, by a devious route,” Mitch said.

Tani looked surprised. “I wonder!”

“Then let’s work out our Plan. Here’s what I have in mind.”

He presented it to them, and the others found it worthy. It had key roles for Tammi, Tani, and Astrid. They rehearsed them, getting the details right.

The disk of light appeared above. “Hey!” a man called. “If you want food, send up the doll with the sequins, only without them.” The pallet started descending.

“The flies are walking right into the spider’s web,” Mitch murmured. “If you are willing, Astrid.”

“I’m willing,” she said. “This makes it easy.” She doffed her dress, then her bra and panties. “I don’t want to freak him out, I want to get close to him, long enough.”

“Understood,” Mitch said. Then he called up “She’s on her way.”

The pallet descended. Astrid got on it, and it cranked its way upward. In due course it reached the hole, and passed through it.

“Well, now,” they heard the man say. “You look even better naked.”

“There’s nothing else quite like me,” Astrid said. “But first send down the food. You promised.

“No, first you take care of me. You know how.”

“I do.”

“Men are such fools,” Tiara murmured. “Present company excepted.”

“No, we’re fools too,” Mitch said. “But you women have us under control.”

There was a brief silence. Then Astrid called down. “He’s asleep. I’m winding down the pallet.” They saw the pallet start down.

“That is some woman,” Mitch said.

“And if you try to touch her, you’ll be unconscious too,” Tiara warned him.

“My admiration is limited to her effectiveness for the Quest.”

“All the same, I’ll go up next.”

“Of course,” Mitch agreed.

The pallet arrived and Tiara got on, using Astrid’s dress and underclothing to lie on. After she was up, it descended again, and Mitch got on. The others followed, including Tammi and Tani, with Pewter the last.

There was the man, naked, unconscious on the stone floor. He was the one who had wanted to have Astrid before, but Mayer Giles had prevented it. Now, thanks to his sneakiness, he had gotten his wish, and been literally intoxicated by her perfume. “He didn’t even get to the point,” Astrid said, seeing them looking. She had dressed while waiting for them, not having to crank the pulley once another person joined her. “He was so busy kissing my body, and I haven’t had a bath recently.” She sounded almost disappointed. Kandy realized that she would have liked to have the experience, even though her purpose had been to do exactly what she did: put him to sleep for the duration. It would not have been romantic, any more than with the troll, but she was unlikely to have that particular experience any other way.

“Good for you,” Tiara said. But both Tani and Tammi looked thoughtful, perhaps appreciating the frustration that lay in that success. The basilisk could do it only with a man she didn’t mind putting down.

They ate the food the man had brought and tried to charge them for. It was good enough, considering how little the villagers cared about their welfare.

“He’s not even one of the conspirators,” Tammi said. “Just a foolish man who’s not much on discipline.”

“Next stage,” Mitch said briskly. “We will dawdle here while Astrid and Tammi search out the four real conspirators and seduce them similarly. Meanwhile we will question this man when he wakes.”

“This way,” Tammi said. “I will know them when I see them, but we’ll have to look; my talent does not give direction.”

“But if other villagers see you, they may spread the alarm,” Ease protested.

“That should not be a problem,” Astrid said, removing her dress again, to stand in bra and panties. Those were her other weapons: men who saw her would freak out. She gave the dress to Tiara for safekeeping.