Blackness Takes Over & Blackness Awaits (60 page)

Kavanagh

My body is stiff like a log. I must have fallen asleep. I groan and move to push myself up realizing my arms are wrapped around a small warm body. Kid. Oh God, Kid.

“Hey,” she whispers running her hand over my buzzed hair.

“Hey,” I murmur into her chest. I must be crushing her and she’s already in enough pain without my heavy ass sleeping on top of her. I languidly push myself off of her allowing her breathing and wiggling room. She slides over indicating she wants me to fit into the place next to her. I’ve seen Kellerman do this so I know it’s possible, but looking at it I’m not sure how. I smash myself in the sliver of space and Kid wiggles into my side laying her head on my chest. We lay together silently comforted by the warmth of each other’s bodies.

“I never feel safer than when I’m in your arms, Kavy,” she admits quietly. I squeeze her and smooth her messy auburn hair away from her perfect face.

“Think Kellerman might take offense to that,” I say softly in a joking tone.

“Your arms are the first place I felt safe. You’ll always be that for me, even though Kel offers me safety and comfort now. You’ll always be my first,” she explains looking up at me with those bright green eyes oozing love.

“You know next to you is the only place I’m at peace,” I reply. I never sleep as peacefully as I do when she’s next to me. She can be in her spot on our couch not even touching me and her presence brings me a calm I’ve never found in anyone else.

“I love you,” she murmurs her voice full of emotion that she won’t let spill.

“I love you, Kid,” I respond with the same choked sentiment.

“I wasn’t plannin’ on talkin’ about the
soldier
. I haven’t begun to deal with any of that, but I wanted you guys to know that Nicky saved me. Something far worse was gonna happen to me than did because he stepped in.”

“First, you can tell me anything and everything about whatever you want. It’s not your job to shield me from stuff. I can take it. Yeah, it killed hearin’ what you said but that’s because I love you so fuckin’ much the idea of you bein’ hurt like that causes unbearable pain. But the idea that you would carry that yourself kills me, Kid. Never do that. Second, I’m glad that he saved you. Glad doesn’t begin to describe. I still blame him for you almost dyin’. I get that you have history with him and went through some crazy ass shit with him. I’ll do whatever you need me to do. If you need me to be cool with him, I’ll give you two the space for that. I just can’t promise he’ll be any part of my life.”

“I’m strugglin’ too, Kavy. I’m smart enough to understand that Mancini and Governor Grady were willin’ to do anything to get me. What happened to me was horrible but nothin’ I can’t heal from. I’d be dead, Kavy. These people were willin’ to kill me to get the information they wanted. Nicky made sure that didn’t happen. Taylor was a wildcard nobody expected.”

“They did a rape kit on you when you were stabilized. It came back clean. You wanna tell me what happened?” I ask tentatively knowing I have to keep my shit fully in check for her response.

“He got his dick near my face, enough for me to feel violated not enough for me to feel sorry for myself. Women out there get a hundred times worse than what he gave me. I’m lucky,” she explains quietly not looking at my face.

“You are the most amazing person I’ve ever known. Only you would have something truly horrific happen to you and be thinkin’ you’re lucky,” I say pulling her chin up to look at me. “You want me to call Doctor Schrader? It’d be good for you to start talkin’ about this.” Dr. Schrader is Kid’s therapist from when Liam attacked her. The woman is a Godsend. She pulled Kid out of the blackness that took her over back then; maybe she can stop it from even coming this time.

“I think that’s a good idea. I don’t think I can give the family the details I just gave you. They’re gonna wanna know though. Can you tell them? I know that’s a lot to ask—” I cut her off.

“It’s nothin’ to ask. I’ll do it. Don’t worry about us. We’ve got you.” She nods and settles deeper into my chest. I could stay here all night, but I’m guessing our family is freaking out and needs to see us. Just as I’m about to get up Kid’s door opens.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to interrupt. I just wanted to check on you guys,” Kellerman says softly. I can tell by the look of concern on his face he’s telling the truth. What man in the world would have his girlfriend sleeping in the arms of another man and not show one speck of concern or jealousy? Kellerman. He gets us and lets all of us be who we are with Kid. I don’t know how he does it but he does and that’s the reason he’s made for Kid. She needs a man that gets us and doesn’t care, not only doesn’t care but is happy to be a part of us. I almost killed him a few days ago. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking then, but I was wrong. He loves her like she deserves to be loved and I’ll kill myself trying to make things right between him and me.

“We’re good, man,” I say rolling away from Kid. “Didn’t even realize we fell asleep until I woke up. We needed that.”

“I knew you guys needed it so I cleared the room out. That was about two hours ago though, so I thought I should check on you,” he explains looking beyond me at Kid. My back is to her now so I don’t know what her reaction is, but Kellerman doesn’t look happy.

“Let’s step out for a second. I need to talk to everyone,” I say moving to the door. Kellerman pauses looking at his feet and then turns on his heel to leave. Once he’s gone from the room I look back at Kid and she’s silently gazing out the window.

“Be right back, Kid,” I tell her. She nods but doesn’t look at me.

Shannon

I couldn’t look at him, at Kel. When I went to a survivors group after Liam, women talked about this. I never experienced it because I was single then. I’m not single now and this is different. I’m terrified he won’t want me now or if he does he’ll look at me like I’m broken. FUCK! I need to talk to Dr. Schrader and fast. I grab the hospital phone and dial her old cell number. I hope she hasn’t changed it.

“This is Doctor Schrader,” she answers promptly.

“Doctor Schrader this is Shannon Kelly,” I say softly. I haven’t talked to her in years but we kept in touch long after I stopped therapy.

“Shannon, how are you?” she asks with the appropriate amount of concern. I’ve been informed that some version of what happened to me is in the media so I’m sure she knows.

“Not great,” I answer honestly. “I could really use a session with you.”

“I’d be happy to see you, only I’m out of town for the holidays.”

“I completely forgot,” I say sheepishly. “Why don’t we set something up after the holiday?”

“No, that’s not necessary. I can’t meet in person but we can talk now if you’d like just to get the ball rolling until I’m back in Chicago.”

“That would be great if you have the time.”

“I’ve got plenty. Tell me why you called.”

“Hold on just a second. I need to do something quick,” I say reaching for the nurse call button.

“Sure.”

I press the button and wait until Sheryl answers. I ask her to keep my family out until I tell her it’s okay to let them in. She, of course, agrees.

“Okay, I’m back now.”

“It’s good to hear your voice, Shannon. Tell me why you called tonight.”

I launch into my story. Every single bit of it.

Kellerman

She’s closing me out, wouldn’t even look at me. I can only imagine what this is like for her so I’ll be patient and understanding. I need to be those things for her, even if it pains me. Kav’s explanation about what happened to Kid was…I don’t have words. Agony in every cell of my being about wraps that up. We’re entirely silent as a group. No one knows what to say or do. We just sit and let the reality of what Kid’s dealing with sink in. I know it could be worse and now I’m thankful for that prick Cooper, but the idea of what was going to happen to her is excruciating.

We’re all sitting out here because Kid asked the nurse for some privacy. I can see she’s on the phone but that’s about it. So we all sit here until we can go sit in there with her I suppose.

“Hello Chicago,” rings merrily from Karl’s voice down the hall. Just the sound of his voice brings a slight grin to my lips. He’s a good development. He’s been working his ass off while Kid’s been here. Managing her case load between the two of them is one thing, but him on his own…I don’t know how he’s done it. “By the looks on your faces something has happened so fill me in so I can look like shit too.”

Kav fills Karl in and he looks like shit for about two minutes.

“All right people. I know this is horrible. Everything that we now know is horrific, but she went through it not us. She needs us to be strong so she can heal. Button up your emotions and give her the strength she needs. No more sad pained faces. You need to cry, freak out, punch something or whatever else…you do it on your own away from her. And her bathroom doesn’t count as away from her,” he says pointedly glaring at me. “If she’s worryin’ about us and how we feel, she’ll never deal with this the way she needs to. Think about her before you think about you.”

“You’re our Christmas gift,” Maggie says pulling him in for a full on mouth kiss. He indulges her, dipping her low before releasing her back to her husband.

“If you’re all gonna welcome me like that, I’ll need measured breaks,” Karl snarks. We all chuckle and life seems to fill a little bit of the black hole that we’re living in.

“Mr. Kellerman?” I hear Sheryl call from the nurse’s station.

“Yes,” I respond wondering why she’s calling my name. I approach her with an eyebrow raised.

“Shannon would like to see you alone. Don’t test me,” she warns the rest of the group thinking about trying to join me. Sheryl is kind of scary. I nod and quickly make my way into Kid’s room. I shut the door and pull the privacy curtain around her bed. If she wants me alone she gets me alone.

I sit down in my chair. She’s staring out the window again. It’s dark out so I don’t know what she’s looking at, but I let her look. I don’t grab her hand or say a word, just wait.

“I called my old therapist,” she explains calmly. “Kavy suggested it after I told him what happened to me. I was gonna wait until I was discharged to start therapy, but after I saw you I needed it right away.” That doesn’t sound good. If I make her feel like she needs emergency therapy maybe I need to clear out.

“I’m scared, Kel,” she says finally turning her head to meet my gaze. Her eyes are terrified. I can’t hold back anymore. I reach and grab her hand as best I can with my taped and splinted fingers. I try to convey with my eyes that she’s safe with me.

“I was single when Liam attacked me so I didn’t expect this. I wasn’t prepared for it, that’s why I called Doctor Schrader.” I nod a little to encourage her, hoping she can’t see that I’m freaking the fuck out right now.

“I’m afraid you won’t want me now that you know what happened. Or worse, if you do want me it’ll be different now. Maybe you’ll treat me like some damaged property you’re stuck with, because you’d be an ass to leave the girl that was tortured and almost raped,” she says wincing at the harshness of her words.

“Doctor Schrader talked me through a lot of this. Now I’m talkin’ to you because you deserve a chance to leave if you can’t do this. I won’t blame you and I won’t let the guys do anything to you if you go. But if you’re goin’ I need it to be right now,” she says emphatically.

I pause for a moment to get my words and tone right. If I don’t do this the best way it could go badly.

“Just go, Kel. It’s fine, really. I’m in so much pain already what’s one more ache?” She mistakes my silence for defeat. Fuck choosing the right words and tone. Here goes nothing.

“I’m not goin’ fuckin’ anywhere. I will not leave you. I will not be pushed away from you. I will not allow anyone or anything that happened steal one more moment of this life from me. You are mine. You’re the only thing in this life that makes it worth livin’ for me. I love you. I love you so fuckin’ much I don’t have words to explain it to you. I don’t give a shit what that motherfucker did to you.” She drops her head at that statement and I grab her chin pulling it back up to meet my intense gaze.