Black Heart Blue (13 page)

On the front lawn I spot Daisy. I’ve never seen the guy she’s with before, he looks heaps older and has his arm tight round her shoulders, and hers just reaches round his waist. I lean against the wall of the house, feeling the rough brick press into my shoulders, and watch them for a while, waiting for the dizziness to settle. I don’t want to feel drunk but I do and I wonder if I should sneak away now; I could make it home before I expose myself as an idiot in front of Craig. But if I do that I’ll have lost my chance and there may not be another. Before Daisy can spot me I go back inside and upstairs to find a bathroom. If I hide out until I feel OK then maybe that would be all right, but the bathroom’s locked and I need to find somewhere else to lie low. Going into what must be a bedroom I flick the switch and creep inside, feeling like a thief. It must be Craig’s room, it’s a bit of a
tip and there’s a guitar and amplifier in the corner, clothes strewn over the floor, a huge pile of books by the unmade bed. Guiltily I make my way over to the bed and sit down among the tumble of covers. The room smells different to our bedroom at
home. It feels different too. Less like a cage, more like a den. My body tells me to lie down and so I do and I’m pretty sure I’m smiling as I fall asleep.

If Craig hadn’t found me and woken me up God knows what would have happened. My head’s banging and throbbing as I emerge from my sea of sleep and I immediately know I have to be sick. Pushing past him I dash for the bathroom and vomit. Tears come soon after and I perch on the side of the bath all shaky and ill. Someone knocks on the door and I know it’s Craig when he speaks.

‘Are you OK?’

I can’t answer, there’s nothing to say.

He tries again: ‘Can I come in?’

I shake my head and rub my hands over my snotty, teary face; whatever make-up that had remained is now wiped in clownish stripes down my cheeks. Vomit rises and I remind myself I will never ever touch alcohol again. Craig comes in and I hide my face from him.

‘Here.’

I hear the tap run and he’s holding out a wet cloth. I take it and let it hang uselessly from my hands so he grabs it back and lifts my face up and wipes away the mess. My eyes are shut so I don’t have to watch him pity me.

‘There. You’re all right now. How d’you feel?’

‘A bit better, thanks.’

‘Still feel sick?’

‘No. I don’t think so.’

‘Good. You coming, then?’

He moves over to the door; I want to stop him, to keep him here, have him take care of me some more.

‘Is the party over?’ I ask at last.

‘Nah, it’s only one, still early, There’s loads of people still here. Come down. I’ll get you a drink.’ He sees my face and laughs. ‘Water, I mean.’

I manage to laugh too and he grabs my hand as we go back down the stairs and squeeze through the throng in the hallway and into the kitchen, which seems to have shrunk to half its original size. He shoulders people out of the way, pulling me with him, and eventually we find ourselves a corner by the sink. I’m firmly wedged into the space and Craig is between me and the rest of the world. He hands me a glass of water and I gulp it down.

‘Better?’

I nod, this time meeting his eyes.

‘Good.’ He smiles at me, a real smile, and before I realize it he’s moved his face next to mine and our lips are almost touching. He can’t kiss me in the kitchen, I think, he can’t, and he doesn’t, instead he whispers in my ear.

‘You look prettier without the make-up, you know.’

‘Thanks a lot.’

He steps back and shrugs and now his smile has disappeared. I touch his sleeve.

‘Can we go outside? I need some air.’

He pulls me through the crowds again, people try to stop him as we go but he keeps moving until we’re in the back garden, where we began, hours ago. We perch on a
couple of plastic chairs on the little paved patio. I stare out into the darkness, I sense Craig staring too.

I don’t want him to abandon me but I can’t think of a thing to talk about that will keep him there next to me. So I say the first thing that comes into my head.

‘How come your parents let you have this party?’

‘They don’t know.’

‘Oh my goodness, what are they going to do when they find out?’

‘Dunno.’

‘Aren’t you worried about the place getting trashed?’

He shook his head. ‘People round here know us. They wouldn’t.’

I’m intrigued. ‘What do you mean?’

He doesn’t answer, gives his customary shrug.

‘Do you really think I look horrible with make-up on?’ I blurt out. Totally uncool.

‘I didn’t say that, did I?’ He sighs. ‘I just like girls when they look pretty, you know, natural. That was what I noticed about you first. You looked … fresh, different or something.’

How could I have looked fresh? Shut up in that vicarage, day in, day out, we barely left the place unless it was on some miserable errand.

‘Oh,’ I say.

‘Yeah, whatever, you do what you want though. People should always do what they want.’

‘I agree. That’s why I came tonight. My parents don’t
know I sneaked out, but I wanted to come so I did.’ I sound pathetic. I should never have started this conversation but sometimes I just want to tell someone everything.

‘Why wouldn’t they let you?’

He’s looking at me more intently now as if he really wants to know and I know that I can’t give him the real answer after all.

‘Because I’m only sixteen. Because they’ve never met you. I dunno. It’s just they’re over-protective of us.’ I play it down. ‘You know what it’s like, they think all kinds of stuff might happen.’

‘Will you be in deep shit when you get back, then?’

‘No, Rebecca, my sister, will cover for me.’

Damn, I hadn’t meant to mention her but she’s just slipped out, like she’s been dying to make an appearance all evening.

‘Your sister?’

‘Yeah.’

He fishes his cigarettes out of his back pocket and offers me one. I shake my head.

‘How come you aren’t getting drunk?’ I ask, watching him smoke.

‘No point.’

‘Don’t you ever?’

‘Nope. I smoke weed now and then but I can take it or leave it, the same with booze.’

Good, we can be sober together
, I think.

‘Are you really going to university? Daisy told me.’

‘Maybe.’

‘What will you study?’

‘Medicine, I reckon. If I get in.’

‘Why wouldn’t you?’

‘I don’t reckon the teachers are going to give me good references, do you?’

‘You’ll have to start coming to college, then.’

He stares at me like I’m mad for a minute and then nods slowly. ‘Maybe. My mum would love that.’

‘Where is she?’

‘Off with her boyfriend, some shitty little weekend away they had planned.’

‘Don’t you like her boyfriend, then?’

‘Sharp, aren’t you?’

I shut up, not liking his tone. Suddenly he’s tense again and I edge uncomfortably on the chair and rub my arms, which are goose-pimpled in the night air.

‘Here.’ Craig is pulling off his sweatshirt and hands it to me. I pull it on, snuggling into what’s left of his body heat and turn to thank him, but his face is right there and this time he really does kiss me. It’s hot and cold all at once, his mouth tastes of cigarettes and something sweet, syrup or sugar. I kiss him back, like he’s kissing me, and I don’t want him ever to stop. We sit there like that, just kissing and not even talking, for ages. He puts his arms round me and pulls me close and I smile as his mouth covers mine again and again. But it can’t last forever.
I have to go
, I tell myself, and eventually I pull away.

‘I’d better get back.’

He nods and stands, pulling me to my feet. I wonder how I’ll find my way in the dark and worry about what I might meet. I look at his watch, pulling his arm and pushing up his sleeve. Three a.m.
Please don’t let me get caught now, please don’t let this night be spoiled.
At the front of the house I pause, ready to say goodbye, but he carries on walking with me and we kiss and walk, kiss and walk all the way home. He doesn’t want to talk much when we’re not kissing and I don’t mind, I’m just glad he’s there. The vicarage rears up in front of us way too soon. I pull him to a stop and whisper goodbye.

‘I can’t come in, then?’ He pulls a mock disappointed face and I give him a play frown.

‘See you on Monday,’ I say instead. ‘Please come to college.’

He nods. ‘OK. For you.’

Then I sprint away, up the path and round the back, in and up the stairs and collapse into my bed. The whole house is silent, my breathing sounds like an invading army and I’m sure I must have woken someone somewhere. The room reverberates with the thudding of my heart, I can hear it boom and I huddle under the covers trying to silence the racket. But I’m smiling like a crazy girl. I’ll never stop smiling again.

After

It took me another week to really believe I could do it. I wasn’t sure I’d be safe, going all that way; I was sure to get lost and no one would help me and then I’d never find my way back. The world was a sea of danger and I could easily drown out there.

Rubbish. You talk a whole load of rubbish, Rebecca. You’ll be safer out there than here!

Maybe Hephzi was right.

Sunday arrived. I crept into the bathroom and washed carefully then put on Hephzi’s blue jumper. It was a find; Hephzibah had fished it out of one of the charity bags before they’d been sent away. It was brand new when she discovered it and it went well with my eyes.

‘Mother. I have to work today.’

She snapped her head round to stare at me. I was standing by the kitchen door, she was making a pot of tea. It would be weak; the teabags were always used at least twice before they were ever thrown away. For a moment the sun caught her face and I could almost see through her skin to
the bones and blood beneath, running as thinly as the brew she stirred.

‘No. You have your chores here.’

‘Well, I’m afraid they need me at the home. I already said I’d go in. One of the other carers has come down with a bug. You’ll have to manage without me for a change.’

‘I won’t get the church ready without you.’ She checked her watch. Wisps of panic spiralled from under her dressing-gown and she began to hurry, hot tea spurting from the teapot as she muttered incomprehensible words beneath her breath. The Father would be waiting for his breakfast upstairs, as he preferred. To keep her calm, I gave in a little.

‘I’ll make a start. But I’ll be off before the first service.’

She nodded and scurried up to him. I wondered what she would say and waited for the holler, the retribution. If I heard him coming then I decided I’d run for it, straight out of the back door like a sparrow evading a hawk. The Mother’s handbag was on the side and I could grab that and make a clean break. But there were no unusual sounds. Somehow I’d got away with it.

The church was cold and I started with the polishing. Everything was still clean from yesterday but he would notice the slightest speck of dust, the faintest smudge or print. Inside I buzzed. I was going to Danny’s because he’d invited me. I was going to Danny’s because he was my friend. I was going to Danny’s because I said so,
I
said so.
Euphoria made everything so much easier, so much faster. If I could do this then maybe I could do anything. The place was almost ready by nine o’clock and as my mother came in I nodded to her and grinned. For once I didn’t hide my mouth but let the smile spill over her as it split my face in two. Her shock spurred me faster home for my bag. I had saved enough for the bus fare there and back; Danny lived nearer town than us and it was much too far to walk.

I suppose they weren’t expecting me so early. It was only half past ten by the time I got off the bus, but it took me a while to wander around and find the house. Everywhere felt unfamiliar. We’ve always stayed in the village, apart from obligatory church events and The Father’s forays to far-flung towns with unfamiliar names, so my sense of direction was woeful. Every road and house looked the same to me, neat rows of identical boxes lined up and watching me with impassive eyes. I tried to think carefully about Danny’s directions. I’d listened with all my might as he’d told me the way, just in case I changed my mind, he’d said. Hephzi is cross and won’t come. She thinks if I’m going to break out then I could at least do something fun, not go hanging round some old bloke who reeks of cooking, to waste the day with his boring, retard family. Now was not the time for an argument
though, so I ignored her, she has to let me take my time. If I want to I can switch her off, although I know she’ll scream at me later for being mean. She wasn’t all that happy about lending me her blue jumper either but that’s tough. Everything of mine is
horrid and I wanted to look nice. Nicer than usual anyway.

So it was only eleven o’clock when I pressed what I’d worked out had to be the right bell. I’d walked up and down the path three times before deciding for sure. My breath juddered and suddenly I regretted coming. What if he hadn’t meant it? What if I’d got the wrong house? That would be just like me to read the whole thing wrong. Maybe that’s what normal people did, maybe they invited each other round all the time but didn’t really mean it, perhaps it was one of those ‘normal’ things Hephzi and I were never too sure about. A dark shape appeared behind the door, fiddling with the locks, and then it was too late to run. A woman pulled the door open. Dressed in jeans and a pink T-shirt, she looked at me curiously. Then her face fell. I noticed the change before she could swiftly lift the corners of her mouth into a fake, hard smile.

‘Hello? Can I help you?’

She thought I was there to bother her. Maybe selling something. Tea towels, lucky heather or, perhaps, God. Danny hadn’t told her I was coming. I looked down and mumbled why I was there.

‘Sorry?’

‘Danny invited me. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come …’ There was a pause. It was impossible to tell what she was thinking.

‘Hang on a minute, love. You’re not the girl from the care home, are you?’

I nodded and she pulled the door wider and gesticulated
that I should go inside, but I hesitated, not sure now. If only Danny were here, he’d make this better.