Black Heart Blue (22 page)

‘Can I come in?’

‘Why?’

This was a difficult one. I would have to lie.

‘I want to talk to you.’

I waited as he thought about it. I could hear the traffic from far-away roads, the buzzing of bees as they moved in and out of flowers, a baby crying somewhere down the street. I waited without looking at him, staring at the white plastic doorframe and the concrete step. Finally he opened the door and I followed him into the living room. He didn’t seem to care that he was in his pants, he just stood there like that was totally normal. I kept my eyes fixed on the window behind him and tried to feel if Hephzi was hiding somewhere.

‘Yeah? What is it, then? I thought they’d put you away, that’s what they’ve been saying.’

‘Who?’

He didn’t give me the satisfaction of an answer and I tried to imagine the village gossip machine at work, Mrs Sparks flicking a switch, firing up the engine and then sending out batches of information, true or false (who cared?), through letter boxes and windows, over garden fences, in the post office and corner shop. They would have buzzed with the story of the crazy vicar’s daughter rampaging through the village in her night clothes, kicking up a fuss, being taken off to a secure unit and held there for her own good. Or maybe The Father had pontificated from his pulpit about the perils of the devil and his own daughter
marked with his sign, who was at last blessedly incarcerated. Now his congregation would be able to sleep easy in their beds, knowing that the beast within had been caged. I heard the words fall from his barbed-wire jaw, that snare that had held me tight and twisted all my life, as
if he were there behind me, snarling in my ear. Craig broke his spell.

‘What d’you want, then? Are you just going to stand there all day or what?’

‘Water, can I have some water?’

He looked liked I’d just requested the crown jewels or a million quid and while he disappeared into the kitchen I sent out messages to Hephzi, I shouted at her to come out, come out, wherever she was hiding. Nothing. He handed me the water and I drank it in one long gulp while he watched.

‘You hungry?’

I nodded. I’d left without breakfast.

This time I followed him into the kitchen and watched him find cereal, bowls, milk. We sat at the table together and ate. He slurped and munched noisily, enjoying his food, helping himself to more as if I wasn’t there.

When he’d finished he remembered me again and stared as I spooned up the remaining flakes from the bottom of the bowl.

‘You don’t look anything like her, you know.’

I laughed. Did he think I’d never noticed? He blushed and tried to defend himself.

‘Well, you’re twins and that. You should look a bit alike.’

‘Not necessarily. We’re non-identical.’ My voice dripped irony and he grinned and flashed me a little of his reputed charm. I stiffened, not prepared to be won over. If it hadn’t been for him Hephzi would still be alive. Before I could censor them, my mouth blurted out those thoughts – words I’d never thought to utter, and immediately he was red, burning like fire, and a tempest of sparks came flashing in my direction.

‘What’re you saying that for? That’s lies, complete bullshit! I didn’t do anything, nothing. I loved her. I love her.’

Angry too, I shouted back, ‘You got her pregnant, you stupid pig. You put your baby inside her and she didn’t realize! She wasn’t like other girls, she was innocent and you took advantage of that. You destroyed her.’

‘No. That’s crap, that’s rubbish. Shut up!’

We were both standing and he grabbed my shoulders and started to shake me, his rage pulsing in waves of panic. He wasn’t as strong as The Father, his fingers didn’t bite into my flesh planting seeds of death, and I wasn’t afraid. I shoved back at him and he let go.

‘Please, tell me you’re lying. Tell me that’s not true.’

‘It is true. I didn’t come to tell you that though, actually, and I’m sorry I did. I’m going now.’ I didn’t want to watch him crying, I didn’t need to see his pain spilling on to the kitchen floor and be obliged to mop it up. I was through with that.

He pulled me back. He was desperate now to keep me there to find out what he thought I knew.

‘Tell me it all. Please, I want to know how she died. You should tell me, she loved me.’

I shrugged. ‘I bet you’ve got another girlfriend now. You didn’t love her, you just used her. You should have known better.’

He shook his head madly. ‘You’ve got it wrong, got us wrong. She must have told you, she must have said.’

‘If your stupid mother hadn’t come to the church and hadn’t gone interfering like that, she might be OK. She might have stayed alive and had your baby. I suppose it would probably be born by now.’

He winced and I could see that he was afraid of what I was saying. I’d found out all about babies on Archie’s computer in his room, all the facts and details and information, and I threw it like bullets in his direction. It was my turn to do the hurting and I was shelling him, my exposed target, and he was paralysed by the force of my fire.

‘Why didn’t she tell me?’

‘She didn’t know! I told you, she wasn’t like the others.’

‘I would have taken care of her and the baby. I’d have done anything.’

‘Too late. You screwed up. You should have stayed away from my sister. She was too good for you.’

‘I know. I know. I’m sorry.’

Blubbering like a child he crumpled to the floor, his back against the kitchen units, sprawling in a puddle of his own misery. It was what he deserved. I exhaled and with that breath blew out over half a year’s worth of pain. I saw
it leave me, floating on the air, particles of darkness escaping my body. Lighter and brighter, I turned to go again.

‘You shouldn’t be such a bitch. Your sister never said you were a bitch.’

I stopped then. Hephzi had spoken to him about me. That meant he had things I wanted, he had words that were, by rights, mine. I levelled my gaze in his direction, the tears were still cascading down his cheeks. I supposed his sadness ought to have moved me.

‘She was my sister. She loved me best.’

‘She loved me too.’

He was right. She had loved him. But only because she hadn’t known better and because she’d had no choice.

‘You should have helped her, then, you should have been worthy of her. You weren’t though, were you? You destroyed her chances. She thought she could trust you, Craig, but you weren’t up for it, you’re just a little kid.’

Finally standing he looked at me and held my eye. I let him have my face, all of it, I was sick of hiding. Eventually he stopped snivelling and nodded.

‘All right, then. If you’re right, let me help you.’

‘What?’

‘You say it’s all my fault and that I should have done something, saved her, changed the way it turned out. I dunno if I could have done that, if there was something more –’ his eyes glazed and for a moment he looked lost – ‘but since she’s gone, I’m going to do the next best. I’m going to help you.’

‘No, you’re not.’

‘But you need help, don’t you?’

How did he know? I was sick of being so transparent.

‘I’m fine.’

‘No, you’re not. Or you wouldn’t be here. You hate me. You must have been desperate to come.’

Hephzi had always said that he was clever and now I understood. He wasn’t just the idiot in the hat with the cigarette and the bad attitude. Annoyed, I scowled and meant to leave but I still needed to know what she’d been saying about me.

‘What else did she tell you?’

‘Not much. She was private. I asked but I didn’t often get an answer. I wanted her to let me meet you properly, you and your family. She said no way.’

Of course she did. ‘But she said some things?’

‘Yeah, now and then the odd thing would slip. She told me you covered for her.’

I nodded and scowled some more. He nodded back. ‘Thanks.’

‘I shouldn’t have. I should never have let her do it.’

‘How could you stop her?’

He was right again.

‘Look, you may as well tell me everything. I reckon I’ve guessed a lot but there are still gaps. I want to know exactly what happened.’

No way. Craig wasn’t getting our story, it had been bad enough telling Danny and Cheryl, bad enough having
them badgering me about the police and Social Services. I’d been convinced they were going to land me in it, holding back had just about killed Danny. When I didn’t speak he asked again.

‘Why won’t you tell me? Why are you and her so secretive? Now you’re here in front of me I can tell you’re twins, you have the same faraway look in your eyes, the same way of moving your heads when someone puts you on the spot.’ I sneezed and he laughed bitterly. ‘You even sneeze the same.’

I wished he’d shut up. The way he spoke made me want to pull up a chair, to sit down and have him tell me stories about my sister. I wanted him to tell me about the life she’d had with him, the secret world she’d kept behind lock and key, an enchanted garden of good times and laughter and hope. We both had exactly what the other wanted but I didn’t know if I dared trade. I eyed him again.

‘If I tell you what you want to know, then you have to answer my questions too, all of them. Right?’

He paused and thought, studying me intently. I didn’t understand why he didn’t flinch and turn away, why he didn’t seem bothered at the sight of me. That would be something else I could ask. Eventually he spoke.

‘OK. Deal. You spill your beans, I’ll spill mine.’

‘All right. But there’s one other thing.’

‘Yeah? What?’

‘Nothing I tell you goes further than this room. You
have to promise you won’t do anything with the things I tell you and that you’ll keep it all secret.’

‘No.’ He shook his head rapidly. ‘No way. I’m sick of secrets and sneaking around. I’ve had it with that. I’ve turned over a new leaf.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I’m starting college properly in a couple of weeks, the one in town. I’m doing the rest of my exams in a year, catching up on all the shit I’ve missed. Then I’m going to uni. I’m going to work to pay my way too, and I’m going to make it. Life’s too short not to try your damnedest to make a go of it. Hephzi knew that.’

‘She might have known. But she couldn’t do it, could she?’ I spat.

‘No, but it’s what I got from her, to give it a go and keep hoping for the best and to fight for what you want. So that’s my plan and I’m sticking to it.’

‘Good for you.’ I don’t know why I sounded so resentful. Maybe I wanted him to be Bad Craig forever, maybe I was angry that it had taken my sister dying for him to grow up.

‘Yeah, I know it’s all a bit late now, I know that, Rebecca, but I’ve got to try or I’ll go mental. After she died I thought I was, you know, losing it. It was tough. But my mum helped pull me round and I owe her too. Since my dad left she’s been the one who’s always been there, rooting for me, trusting me. I owe her big time.’

‘Did your mum like Hephzi?’

‘Of course she did! Who didn’t? Hephzi was … well, she was glorious, wasn’t she, gloriously sweet and funny and smart.’

I jolted at his words. I hadn’t expected him to use language like that or to understand the essence of my sister so well.

He continued, carried away now, ‘She thought Hephzi was perfect for me, she thought she’d straighten me out. Maybe she did in the end. But I suppose I was a bad influence for a while. I regret that now, we shouldn’t have bunked off like we did, I shouldn’t have done that.’

‘No, you shouldn’t. Why couldn’t you have just been like a normal boyfriend?’

‘What’s one of those, then?’

How would I know? I shrugged and he half smiled. ‘You’re right though, I should have done better, she deserved better.’

‘Tell me what you two did together.’

‘OK.’ He moved to the back door and walked out into the small, square garden. I followed him and he threw himself down on a shady patch of grass. Then he started to talk and didn’t stop. All day we sat and he spoke about my sister and I drank up the words, caught the honey that dripped from his lips and held it to my mouth, savouring the sweet warmth that soothed my burning heart. He took me with them, joyriding through the countryside to seaside towns and city lights. He made me see the world from over his shoulder, as Hephzi had when she’d held tight round his
waist as they sped on his bike, her eyes a-glitter with the stars of their future. When he’d led me through every moment, shown me her secrets, held her heartbreak out for me to see, given me her joy and her laughter, I sat back in the afternoon sun in his garden where they’d first kissed. I felt the grass under my
fingers and hoped she’d heard him, hoped she could see what she’d meant.

‘Thank you,’ I murmured, pulling a daisy and shedding its petals. ‘I’m sorry I was so mean. I’m sorry I didn’t help more. She never said all this. You were her secret. You were sacred, precious. She meant it when she said she loved you.’

‘I hope so. Man, I’m shattered. This has been some day. D’you want a drink?’

He loped inside and returned with two bottles of cold beer. I let the liquid fizz in my mouth and savoured the coldness. He raised an eyebrow.

‘Hephz didn’t drink, it made her sick.’

‘Oh.’ I put the bottle down on the grass beside me and shivered slightly as the sun dipped behind the tall trees on the horizon. What were the other things I would never know about my sister? Craig had given me all he had, but there would always be so much left unsaid. It made me sad. Craig touched my arm and pulled me to my feet, leading me inside by the hand. He was kind, kind and good, and I had been wrong.

He went out and bought fish and chips. We ate ravenously in silence and he cleared our plates, finishing what I hadn’t
managed. The intimacy of that made me blush and I told myself to stop being silly, not to let myself be fooled. He would never like me as he’d liked her, I’d never take her place, and I didn’t want to, that wouldn’t be right. But sitting with him, eating together, comfortable with one another, made me too happy not to notice. Maybe it was just the thought that I’d found a friend, another one.

‘When’s your mum back?’ I asked.

‘She’s not, she’s away on a course.’