Bittersweet Symphony (The Damaged Souls series Book 2) (26 page)

That was the golden question, wasn’t it?

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Caylee

One week later
. . .

I was on a mission when I stumbled into the kitchen—hell bent on emptying every half-eaten container of ice cream in the freezer.

“Rough evening, huh?”

Glancing toward the voice, I found Rebecca and Marty staring at me wearing identical expressions of concern. This was the last thing I needed right now—sympathy mixed with pity. All I wanted was to drown my sorrows with some unhealthy wallowing before climbing back into bed.

I knew I wasn’t handling the break-up well and they were worried, but living with the constant pain in my chest the past few weeks had barely been survivable. Sooner or later, I’d wake up one morning and that brutal sting would no longer hurt as much.

But today wasn’t that day.

Today was all about ice-cream therapy—the calories becoming the new love of my life. At least they didn’t make me feel like crap or have some asinine belief they needed to protect me.

“It is what it is,” I mumbled, scooping out the last spoonful of chocolate chip before tossing it in the trash. Pulling open the freezer, I didn’t even bother looking at my remaining choices. I simply removed the closest container and popped off the lid.

It all tasted the same to me—like spilled tears and misery.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” Marty asked, stepping around Rebecca to lean against the counter opposite me. I’d returned to sitting on the countertop with my legs hanging over the edge.

“Yes,” I answered, licking the utensils. “You can hand me the bottle of fudge syrup in the fridge.” Without another word, he did as I asked. I squirted more than a generous helping into the makeshift bowl.

“You know I love you, Caylee, but this isn’t healthy.” Rebecca came to stand by me and I tried me best not to snort.

“Honestly? I don’t care.” My voice was flat, my emotions buried under a heavy blanket of numbness. So this was why Cooper drank a lot when I first met him—his own need not to feel anything.

Each breath I’d taken since he walked out had been torturous, every thought straying back to the source of my pain. Night after night, I’d lain in bed, reliving my last conversation with Cooper over and over in my mind. Each time, I tried saying different things—arguing my case on why he couldn’t throw away our relationship. But all it did was prolong the agony like a gaping wound left to fester and rot.

I knew it wasn’t helping and that if I stood any chance of surviving Cooper I would need to stop wallowing and show some self-respect. I made that promise at least twenty times a day—mini pep talks about how no guy was worth pining over and that I was too old to deal with high school antics. But the vows never took root, instead blowing away on the winds of hopelessness.

I loved him.

I missed him.

In the darkness and quiet hours of night, I also hated him—angry to be tossed aside as though I was some broken trinket—unwanted. It no longer mattered what his intentions were, because I knew the truth.

He was a coward for hiding behind lies.

I was a coward as well, trapped by the
what-ifs
that ran a constant commentary in my head.

“Cooper wouldn’t want you being this sad,” Marty blurted out, his good intentions falling on deaf ears.

I shrugged, glaring at him before swallowing an extra big mouthful of ice cream. “Again, I don’t care. If he didn’t want me to be sad than he shouldn’t have hurt me.” My stomach gurgled, more from the sweetness than hunger. With Rebecca and Marty here, witnessing my epic pity-party, the sweet strawberry treat did nothing to ease my heart. If anything it soured my mood even more.

What I needed was something else. If I was going to hit rock bottom, there was no reason to hold back.

I reached over for the opened wine bottle. I popped the cork without reading the label and poured it straight into the ice cream container. It was a nasty mess, but oh well.

So was life.

Marty moved first, stealing my spoon from my grasp. Asshole. “Girl, he’s not worth it.”

Unfazed, I scooted across the counter. My legs banged on the cupboard doors as I grabbed for a cooking ladle, without even realizing he’d done me a favor.

“That’s the thing,” I finally answered, pointing between them with the large mixing spoon. “He was. Just because he’s an idiot and doesn’t believe it doesn’t mean I couldn’t see it. I loved him and in return he trampled right over me.”

Rebecca hopped up beside me and bumped me lightly with her shoulder. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but you need to move on. If he’s not going to back down, don’t sit around and wait for him to realize he threw away the best thing in his life.”

“What do you think I’m doing?” I retorted. “This is how I move on.”

“By eating your weight in ice cream?” Marty interjected. “By wearing his t-shirt all the time? Seriously, I’m not being a jerk, but when’s the last time you washed that?”

Peering down the front of Cooper’s shirt, it was hard to miss the food stains and crumpled design. He’d left it here after spending the night and I’d secretly held on to it for the times he couldn’t come over. I’d loved the way it had smelled—that intoxicating blend of his body spray and him—often lifting it to my nose whenever I missed him.

That scent had since faded, but I hadn’t been able to take it off. To do so felt like admitting that we were truly over. Sooner or later, I would need to accept my new reality.

Groaning, I placed the ice cream beside me and let out a weary sigh. Maybe they were right—all this was doing was prolonging the inevitable.

“Fine,” I whispered. “How do I move on?”

It was almost comical how both of their faces filled with hope and excitement. Their mouths opened to quickly respond.

“Come out with us tonight. Get out of your room.”

Marty nodded, agreeing with his girlfriend. “Maybe you’ll meet someone who can help you take your mind off Cooper.”

I stared at him with disbelief. “Do you honestly think I’m ready for that? That my feelings were so inconsequential that I can just waltz out of here and make out with the first guy I see? Really?” Turning to Rebecca, I sized her up as well. “Is that what you think, too? That the only way to cure my heartbreak is to basically jump back into the dating scene?”

Any other time, I would’ve found Rebecca’s scathing glare at Marty amusing, but I felt nothing—nothing except horror at the thought of meeting someone new.

As far as I was concerned, there was more chance of me becoming a nun in the future. In fact, as of this moment, I was swearing off men. They were dangerous and I no longer trusted them.

“That’s not what we mean,” Rebecca gently countered, carefully wrapping her arm around my shoulders. “But I do think we need to get you out of the house.”

Slowly thawing, my resolve to die a lonely spinster faded. Marty opened his mouth and confirmed that men, in general, were idiots. “Cooper’s moving on, too.”

This time Rebecca punched him hard as an abrupt
oomph
escaped from him.

“What?”

“I can’t believe you just told her that! Why don’t you shove your other foot in your mouth? I’m sure you’ve got plenty of room in there.”

I tuned out their bantering, instead zeroing in on the only thing that registered.

“He’s moving on? As in dating?”

Tears flooded my eyes as my imagination kicked into hyper-drive, showing me images of countless females parading before him. While we’d dated, there were always women who thought it was okay to come up and proposition him, even with me standing there holding his hand. I’d known from the beginning that people would be attracted to him, like moths to a flame, but part of me had hoped he’d at least wait a little longer before adding notches to his bedpost.

As bitterness crept into my heart, I took a swig of wine straight from the bottle. Screw ice cream, wine was my new savior.

“If I were you guys, I’d leave now because I’m about to get extremely drunk and sloppy.” Hopping off the counter, I padded over to the wine rack and slid out a second bottle. “Enjoy your night.”

With that, I headed to the door, intent on escaping the world for the rest of the night.

Rebecca, unfortunately, had other plans. “That’s it. I’ve tried to be supportive. I listened to you cry and grieve. I’ve ranted over what a jerk Cooper is and was willing to go kick his ass for treating you like this. I’ve bit my tongue. I’ve wiped away your tears and ignored your weird food concoctions. But enough is enough, Caylee Sawyer. Prepare yourself because this is an intervention. You’re too amazing and beautiful and incredible to sit at home on a Friday night, beating yourself up over some stupid guy.”

Even now, I felt the need to rush to his defense bubble inside of me. “He wasn’t some stupid guy,” I grumbled.

“I’m sorry, but hell yeah he is. You were the best thing to ever happen to him.” Elbowing Marty who’d decided to keep silent after his last bungle, Rebecca was fired up. “Tell her.”

Wetting his lips, Marty smiled. “I’ve known him for years and the moment you two met, something changed in him. He stopped being so self-destructive and angry. I think I’ve seen him smile more in the months you two have dated than in the entire time we’ve been friends. He’s a better person with you . . . because of you. You saved Cooper from himself.”

“By sacrificing myself. Who’s the fool now?” Rebecca gingerly slipped the unopened wine bottle from my loose grip. I didn’t stop her. “It just hurts so much. Make it stop. Please. I can’t breathe . . . why didn’t he want me?” And with that last confession, the walls holding back all my emotions cracked, releasing a torrential downpour of tears.

It was Marty who hugged me. “He wants you, Caylee. Trust me. He is just as miserable as you are, maybe even more so. He’s lost and too damn stubborn to admit he made a mistake. He’s got it in his head that this is the best thing for everyone and nothing either of us have said made any difference.”

“You’ve both talked with him about me?”

“What do you think?” Rebecca laughed, using her thumb to brush across my cheeks. “Of course we have. I’ve hounded Cooper ever since I found you sobbing in your room that night. He just won’t relent.”

“So, the best advice I can give you, Caylee, is to find the strength, dig deep, and survive him. Show him that you’re not going to wait around for him to wake up. Show him how big of a mistake he’s made by not letting him break you.”

Marty’s words found their mark. “But how do I do that? I feel broken.”

Seeing me start to cave, Rebecca took over. “Come to the bar with us tonight. The guys are playing and while Cooper will be there, you don’t have to even acknowledge him. I won’t leave your side and we’ll get through this together.”

I glanced between them—weighing my options. While Cooper and I were no longer together, I did miss Troy and Aidan. I just didn’t know how I felt about seeing Cooper after successfully avoiding him over the past few weeks.

Did I even have the ability to smile and fake it, all the while dying inside at the very sight of him? What if he came up to me? What if I saw him with someone else?

What if?

“Don’t over think it, Caylee,” Rebecca continued. “We’ll play it by ear. If you want to leave at any time, we will. I just can’t bear to see you sit home alone another night.”

Every cell in my body screamed for me to say no, that it was suicide to even be in the near vicinity of Cooper while I felt like this. I wasn’t ready for it. The very thought made me nauseous.

So when I said yes, accepting the excited hug from Rebecca while she rambled on about helping me dress, I pushed it all down. If I was going to go, I might as well start pretending now.

I would give the performance of a lifetime.

I would show him that he no longer mattered to me.

Even if that meant lying through my teeth.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Cooper

The second I saw Caylee from the stage, it felt like a sucker-punch to the gut. For all my posturing and bravado, I was nowhere close to being over her. The truth I thought I’d been fostering had revealed itself as the lies they were.

My body was already taking steps in her direction. My heart leapt for the first time in weeks with happiness, free from the pain it had endured as I’d resisted every urge to yield to temptation.

The only part of me right now that remained staunch in my belief that she was better off without me was my brain—although it was rapidly descending into anarchy, screaming that I’d been foolish and to go reclaim the only person to ever make me feel sane and complete.

Fuck
, I grumbled low under my breath, downing the rest of my half-filled tumbler of whiskey I’d only just obtained. I was already buzzing—all the edges around my psyche numb and hazy. I’d planned on singing drunk tonight.

“Was this your doing?” I asked annoyed, turning to Marty who was doing last minute tuning. We were meant to start in five minutes yet that had all gone to hell when I saw Caylee standing at the bar, her long blonde hair cascading down her back, her eye-catching green dress hugging every curve.

My curves
, I cursed resentfully, suddenly wishing I could take back every single word I’d said to her, but knowing I couldn’t. I was committed to the course no matter how desperately my cock wanted to drive between her legs—to drive home and never leave again.

“She’s here with Rebecca so don’t be a dickhead. In fact, keep away from them. If you see them, go the opposite direction. If you get it into that idiotic head of yours to talk with her, don’t. This isn’t about you. It’s about her.” There was a harder tone in his voice than I was used to hearing.

“Is something wrong?” It never failed. The very thought of her hurt stirred at the love I hadn’t been able to ignore. Glancing her way again, I wished I knew what was making her laugh. She seemed perfectly fine.

“What do you think?” Marty retorted as he leaned his guitar against the stand. “You ready to start?”

I wanted to keep talking about Caylee, but one look at my best friend told me everything I needed to know. I was what was wrong with Caylee and the discussion was off limits now.

“Sure,” I mumbled, grabbing my glass. “Just let me go get a refill.”

“Of course, because who wants to hear you sober, right?”

Before I could respond, he disappeared off the stage to go grab Aidan and Troy. I didn’t have the strength to argue with him either. He was right. I’d adamantly decided to self-destruct, expecting my friends to quietly stand by while I did it. I’d expected them to agree with my choice to end things with Caylee—forgetting that they’d grown to love her as well.

Signaling for a refill, I smiled at the waitress when she brought me over a new drink and winked for good measure. It was for Caylee’s benefit, a stupid knee-jerk reaction that had nothing to do with flirting and everything about cloaking myself with a new sense of false bravado.

It hadn’t mattered anyway—as far as I could see, she hadn’t glanced my way at all.

Testing to see that the microphone was on and ready, I called for the crowd’s attention and lifted my glass in the air. “I don’t know about you all, but I’m ready to kick this night off with some music!” There were a few
woots
and hollers from the rowdy group that had been using one of the pool tables in the back. Sensing the guys joining me on stage, I welcomed everyone and slipped into the mindset I needed.

The drop dead gorgeous woman at the bar wasn’t my ex-girlfriend. For the next period of time, I was Cooper Hensley, lead singer and someone who didn’t give a fuck about anything.

As long as I didn’t look her way, that was.

Ignore her.

Forget her.

There just wasn’t enough alcohol on the planet to do the impossible.

****

The whiskey burning a hole through my stomach added fuel to the inferno brewing inside me. Everything had been fine, my tight grip on the microphone mirroring the murderous thoughts coursing through my head.

My resolve to ignore Caylee had lasted all of five seconds, but it had still been somewhat manageable, because I’d convinced myself that, as long as I kept on stage, microphone in my hand, I was safe.

That was until some dumbass college fucker had the nerve to approach her.

Now, she was the only thing I saw, the crowd fading away to a nuisance noise. At one point, I’d even forgotten the words to the song we’d been playing—instead focusing on the familiar manner the stranger talked to her, praying that she’d tell him she wasn’t interested so I could get back to ignoring her.

I knew I wasn’t making sense and that was the rub.

I didn’t care.

The only thing I gave a damn about was her telling him to take a hike.

But she didn’t.

As the minutes ticked by, Caylee accepted a drink from him, swirling the straw around her glass as she peered up at him with a smile—a goddamn smile—on her face.

“Get your shit together, Cooper,” Marty hissed, bringing me back to why I was even there—performing, singing, doing something that was meant to mean something to me . . . to the band . . . even to Caylee.

The shimmer of hope I’d felt seeing her at first was gone. She truly hadn’t been here to see me . . . be near me . . . maybe convince me to finally listen to her.

She was here to have a good time and, from the looks of it, this wannabe frat boy was it.

Over my dead body.

With the song over, I had little choice. “This one goes out to a special someone. She knows who she is.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Marty countered, glaring hard at me when I glanced over my shoulder his way. If I was going to fall apart and go up in flames, it might as well be now in front of everyone.

Tapping my foot to the beat, waiting for my intro, I caught Caylee’s attention, our eyes locking across the room and I held it.

She didn’t, instead choosing to shift in her seat, effectively turning her back to me. She must’ve said something to Rebecca because her roommate moved as well, using her body to hide Caylee from my sight.

I deserved it. But it didn’t stop me from singing the song I’d written specifically for Caylee. Maybe she’d understand where I was coming from if she heard it one more time.

Halfway through, and a desperate kind of sensation crept in, whispering I’d truly lost her. No matter how hard I sang, sometimes slurring the words, but oh well, she didn’t look my way again.

Then the bastard did the unforgivable.

He touched her.

Touched her arm.

He leaned in and whispered into her ear, and then paused, as if he were inhaling her scent like a fucking predator.

She would never be his prey. He would never lay another finger on her, because I was going to rip his arms off and beat the living hell out of him with them. Then, as he begged for mercy, I’d shove them down his throat and choke him.

“Cooper,” came the cry from behind as I dropped the microphone and jumped from the stage. I stormed through the crowd and people scrambled to get out of the way. I could hear Marty following behind me, but he’d be too late. By the time he managed to pull me off this guy, the asshole would be bleeding on the floor.

Seeing red, I reached for him. I jerked him back and slammed my fist straight into his surprised face.

“Touch her again and I’ll kill you. She’s not fucking yours!”

“Cooper!” Caylee screamed, horrified by my actions.

“I didn’t know she was yours,” the guy answered, holding his hands up to ward off my attack. He tried to retreat—wiping his bloody nose with the back of his hand.

“I’m nobody’s!” Caylee yelled again, fury rolling off her that rivaled my own. “He’s no one, Matthew. Seriously. Let’s just go.” When she reached for him and he took her hand, something inside me snapped.

“Stop touching him, Caylee!” I growled, my voice low and menacing.

“Or what? You’ll hit me this time? Don’t forget who it was that ended our relationship, Cooper. You were the one that said we weren’t going to work. You were the one that walked away.”

“I’m serious. Remove your hand.” Marty tugged at me and I shrugged him off. “I won’t say it again.”

“Listen, man. It sounds like she can make her own choices. How about you go finish singing and we’ll just leave. No harm, no foul.”

The idiot kept opening his mouth, asinine bullshit spewing out. “No harm, no foul? Are you fucking kidding me?” I shoved him this time, breaking the contact he had with Caylee. My arm cocked back and I let a lethal right hook fly. It connected solidly with his jaw and he dropped to the ground. “The only place you’ll be going is to the hospital with your fucking teeth in a plastic baggie. You picked the wrong girl to try and pick up. She won’t be fucking you tonight, boy-o.”

“Cooper, you’re causing a scene. Enough. Just let it go,” Marty begged, attempting again to calm me down. “Look at Caylee. If you care anything for her, stop. You’re scaring her. Is that what you want?” When I didn’t, he held the back of my head and forced me. “Look.”

He was right. She was standing there with an expression of distress. Rebecca’s arms were protectively around her as if trying to shield Caylee from . . . me. I was the threat. I was the one who’d filled those beautiful blue eyes with tears and revulsion—the same eyes that had once been beacons of love.

From the corner of my eye, I could see the bartender gesture for the bouncer and my temper cooled, but not before I threatened the guy one last time. “Consider this a warning. Keep away.”

“When did you become a monster?” Caylee whispered, shaking her head in disbelief.

“Didn’t you know, sweetheart?” I retorted coldly, the steel cage slamming down around my heart as I dragged oblivion back toward me. “I was always a monster.”

“Then I’m glad I finally see you for who you are.”

With that, Caylee took hold of Rebecca’s hand and headed toward the exit.

I’d wanted her to hate me.

But now that I finally had my wish, it was the last thing in the world I wanted. There would no going back from this—any redemption—any forgiveness.

I’d made my bed and now I would have to lie in it.

Empty.

Alone.