Bittersweet Symphony (The Damaged Souls series Book 2) (25 page)

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Cooper

Three weeks later . . .

Sweat dripped down my face as I wrenched myself from the new nightmare plaguing me. This one was more horrifying than any I’d experienced, leaving my heart racing and my hands fisted in my bed sheets.

There was nothing I could do to stop it—no remedy available or quick fix. Every night was the same and each image was slowly ravaging my thin grasp of control.

I was being tortured in my sleep. Not by Owen and what had happened all those years ago. There were no images of explosions, no sounds of bullets zinging through the air, or of blood pumping out of dying bodies.

No. My torment came in the form of a soft, silken body tangled with mine.

Caylee.

She remained lodged deep beneath my skin and there was no removing her. Each time I closed my eyes, I saw her. Felt her. Tasted her. It happened over and over again until I woke up in a frenzy of desire, pain, and guilt.

I shouldn’t have let her go. But what choice did I have?

In the dream, there had been a smile on my face, her small, lithe body pressed against mine as I cradled her in my arms. It had felt perfect, like she was meant to be there, and it had all seemed so natural as her blonde hair fanned across my chest. Even now, I could still remember the scent on her skin, the smell of sex in the air—us. There was the urge to quickly leave before she realized I had walked away, but it was faint in my mind. There had been a stronger prompting, one that whispered to simply lie there and enjoy the moment, to soak up the blessed seconds of bliss she brought into my life.

Each day, I had chased that silence in my soul where my grief and regret couldn’t touch me. It came from closing myself off to the world and drowning the noise in whatever it took to numb my senses. Before Caylee, I’d be reaching for the nearest drink, painstakingly distancing myself from my memories of Owen and that day in Afghanistan.

But I wasn’t craving alcohol right now. What I wanted was her.

It was because of the woman I once held in my arms that I didn’t automatically reach for the nearest bottle. She’d done something, altered me. The walls I used to build around me had crumbled and it terrified me.

There’d been no other way to escape. I had to hurt her, acting as if walking away was the only option to protect her—even as it destroyed me inside doing it. She’d gotten too close too soon and I wasn’t prepared for how vulnerable it made me.

Made her.

I shouldn’t have let her in. I shouldn’t have played with fire. I knew better.

You shouldn’t have pushed her away. She was good for you,
I thought, my inner voice betraying me
.

I had to let her go. I had to make it where she wouldn’t follow.

Taking in a deep breath, I desperately tried to quell the fire burning through me. It was the same every day since I’d left her standing there as tears ran down her face. My only hope was sooner or later, I would gradually forget how her touch felt and the way my name sounded on her lips. Those erotic noises and the way her laughter seemed to touch my soul.

“You will master this,” I exclaimed, annoyed that I’d allowed my emotions to control me again. “She is nothing . . . a passing fancy . . . an itch that you scratched.”

It’s funny how often I lied to myself to keep breathing.

****

Two weeks later . . .

“It’s going to be another packed night,” Marty said, looking out across the bar. I didn’t doubt him either. Word had been progressively spreading about the band and each place we played, there was standing room only. Rumor even circulated that talent scouts from record labels were interested in Damaged Souls. The rest of the boys were excited at their chance for fame. Me? I was fine with going with the flow.

“You know what they say about a full audience, right?” I winked at him, grabbing my glass from the booth table.

“What?”

“Women!” Saluting Marty, I downed the contents in one mouthful, appreciating the way it burned a trail to my stomach. I already had a buzz going and before the night was over, I’d be in the zone. I ignored the nagging thought that each night it took longer and longer to reach that happy place in my head. I was doing a lot of denying these days.

“I’m not going to lie, mate, I was hoping you’d come to your senses and crawl back to Caylee on bended knee, begging for forgiveness.” Marty slapped my shoulder once and then gave it a squeeze. “I mean, unless you’re happier now, then I’m still your wing man but . . .”

He stopped mid-sentence when I glared at him. “While there’s still a willing female out there, I’m going to keep playing the field. I wasn’t born to be tied down to one person.” When Caylee’s image surfaced in my mind, I went to take another drink and realized the glass was empty. Just when I thought I was free from her, there she was—always in the back of my memories waiting.

“Fuck, I need something to drink,” I murmured to no one in particular. My resolve to remain sober hadn’t lasted long. When I couldn’t escape the dreams, I’d dived straight back into drinking—my old, familiar friend.

“Well, ask and you shall receive, bro.” Sure enough, two young brunettes were heading over to us with shot glasses in their hands. It was becoming a common occurrence. All we had to do was sit out front before the show started and eager fans would swarm. A wink here, a
thank you
there, and our beds would be warmed after hours. The lifestyle never got old and even after my brief trip to the bittersweet town of Commitment, things picked back up like old times.

It was only Marty who didn’t partake now, his heart pretty much tied to Rebecca. After dodging my foul temper those first two weeks, he’d learned the best way to avoid me snapping his head off was to keep any gossip about his girlfriend and Caylee to the minimum.

I was actually surprised he’d brought her up tonight. It never ended well when he did.

For the hundredth time my gaze scanned the bar, always looking—waiting. 

Pity, the one you want isn’t here.

I ignored the voice and flipped the switch in my head. Caylee faded away into the background where I squashed the reminder under a ton of denial.

“Excuse me? Can we join you?” The pretty young thing was obviously the more brazen of the two. “We bought you both something.” She flashed a smile as she raised the two drinks in front of her.

“I’m sure we have some time.” I grinned, patting the space beside me. “Definitely for beautiful girls like you.”

Marty threw me a questioning look. He might be loyal to Rebecca, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t play the game. I felt a fleeting ripple of remorse when one of the women glanced his way—hope plastered across her face. Whatever thoughts flittered through the brunette’s head would lead to disappointment because there was no way she was getting any kind of attention from Marty. She’d have more luck giving a blowjob to the empty beer bottle on the table.

Not interested in flirting back and forth, I was ready to cut to the chase. Pointing to the timid friend behind the spokesperson, I crooked my finger and gave her the sexiest smile I could muster. “Why don’t you come sit on my lap, darling? Keep me company.”

Her face flushed with excitement and I chuckled softly over how easy this was. A few choice phrases, well-placed touches, and an attentive nod and this one would be writhing beneath me before the night was over. There was no more thrill in the chase. It wasn’t even a challenge.

She tentatively sat on my knee and squeaked with surprise when I slid her fully into my lap. With my hand resting firmly on her upper thigh, my thumb brushed back and forth over her bare skin. So easy.

“So, what’s your name?” I asked, noticing Marty was already engrossed in a conversation with the other friend—successfully keeping her at arm’s length despite her best efforts. Not wanting to be distracted from my own treat, I focused all my attention back to the girl in front of me.

“It’s Sally,” she answered breathlessly, her eyes darting back and forth between my face and my hand that slipped a little higher on her thigh.

“I’m Cooper.” Holding onto her, I leaned forward for the drinks the two had placed on the table. “Thanks for this. You read my mind.” I licked my lips briefly before emptying the contents of the glass into my mouth. Tequila wasn’t always my first choice but right now, I wasn’t picky.

“I aim to please.” Sally giggled, her hands fidgeting in her lap like she didn’t know what to do with them. It made me wonder if she’d thought this through or whether she’d simply followed her friend’s plan to meet the band. Either way, she was mine for the next little while and the perfect distraction.

“I bet you do,” I teased, letting my finger trail up and down her leg. She let out a small sigh. “Can you guess what I’m thinking now?” The hand I had resting at her hip to keep her from falling slid up her body, brushing her shoulder-length hair away from her neck.

“Ummm,” she stammered. She chewed on her bottom lip and for a second, it reminded me of someone else.

Sitting straighter, I leaned close enough to whisper into Sally’s ear. “Want a hint?” Nodding, she squirmed on my lap, causing my groin to throb with anticipation. Seduction shouldn’t be this easy. “I’m thinking about all the amazing things that mouth of yours can do. And what mine will . . .”

Sally’s eyes grew wide and I waited for it all to sink in. She didn’t believe me, possibly wondering why, out of all the women there, I’d just promised to turn her world upside down and inside out. What I didn’t tell her was it could’ve been anyone. She was simply the first one to approach.

If she spread her legs, I wouldn’t refuse.

I watched as she mustered her courage to accept. Part of me wanted to warn her to run while she could, that I was nothing more than an asshole—broken and not worth the effort. But being me, I couldn’t help myself. I needed what she was offering.

I was too impatient to wait for her to gather her nerves. I cupped the back of her neck and dragged her lips to mine. Whatever shyness Sally had shown evaporated the minute our mouths connected. Her tongue met mine instantly. There was a flash of heat—of something—but it was fleeting.

I deepened our kiss, wanting to recapture whatever it was. I chased it like a junkie chases their first high. Sally responded in kind, mistaking my reaction as eagerness, and wanting to get even closer. She broke away, rose, and quickly straddled my hips. I’d expected the slight rocking of her body as we began kissing again to make me harden, but nothing.

There was definitely interest, but for the first time there was no response and I blamed
her
.

Cursing Caylee and the effect she still held over me, I knew I couldn’t follow through with my plans for Sally. Not because I was a nice guy—the hero Caylee once claimed I was—but because, despite both our best efforts, I just wasn’t feeling it.

“I can’t do this.” Grabbing Sally by the waist, I slid her backward, forcing her feet to touch the ground. I gave her a few seconds to stand so I could move, but when she stood there clearly dazed and confused, I mumbled an apology and looked for a way to escape.

“Did I do something wrong?” The hurt in her voice made me feel like shit.

“No. It’s not you, sugar. It’s me.” Realizing I’d used the worst line ever, I ran my fingers through my hair. “Trust me. You’re dodging a bullet here.”

“But if you weren’t interested, why did you flirt? Why did you have me come sit on your lap?” She was angry now, any hint of attraction gone. “Is this some game?” With her voice rising, her friend had now stopped talking with Marty and joined Sally by her side.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Forget it,” Sally answered, giving me one last look before grabbing her friend’s hand.

I let her go. It didn’t matter. My heart wasn’t in it and I’d probably end up screwing it up even more.

“What the hell is your damage, Coop?” Marty whistled, shaking his head.

“I’m so fucked.”

“You think? You need to figure out whatever the hell is going on before you start leaving behind a trail of pissed off women.” Without even looking at him, I could see he was trying to understand. “Can I give you some advice? Friend to friend?”

“Sure.” I leaned back into the chair and waited.

“Either call Caylee or let her go.”

“But . . .”

“Two choices, Coop. Pick one and deal with it.”

“But . . .” I couldn’t get the rest of my words out.

“I don’t know why you thought it was better to break up with her, but don’t forget I’ve had to put up with your grumpy bullshit ever since. You might not want to hear this, but I’ve also had to watch the look on her face as she’s struggled not to ask how you are. You trashed her heart. So either fix whatever you did or move on. You haven’t been the same since and deep down, you know you can’t keep going on like this. Do us all a favor and pull your head out of your ass.”

I only nodded. After a few moments, Marty stood. He emptied his own glass before glancing down at me.

“You’re a good guy. Don’t you think it’s time to stop punishing yourself?”