Bittersweet Symphony (The Damaged Souls series Book 2) (24 page)

Chapter Twenty-Six

Caylee

The room seemed to spin as I rubbed my neck, dragging in deep breaths. No matter how hard I tried, however, I couldn’t shake the dizziness that followed Cooper releasing his death grip and the wave of nausea that hit me hard.

It had been close—a little too close for comfort. If Lola hadn’t intervened, Cooper’s father and brother threatening to break down the door, I honestly didn’t know if I would have survived.

I’d known better than to confront Cooper during an episode—remembered each and every time I’d sworn to obey and resist stepping in. Yet I’d thrown it all out the window the second I’d heard him screaming.

I was just as responsible for what happened when I entered the bedroom. In my heart of hearts, I didn’t resent him one bit.

Bruises would heal. Memories would fade. It wasn’t fear that governed my emotions right now—it was the absolute horror radiating from my boyfriend that consumed me.

He was going to run.

He was going to start throwing up his defenses again—barring me access—convinced that the danger he’d predicted from the start of our relationship had become a reality.

It was as if a huge, neon-blinking sign hung in the air above him—the light spelling out
I told you so
. In one crushing blow, everything we’d gone through to fall in love and overcome the obstacles between us, evaporated like it never existed.

If I didn’t act quickly, Cooper Hensley would return to the distant stranger, a far cry from the devoted boyfriend he’d become.

It was enough to make me want to scream at the injustice. He couldn’t help what had happened. He would never have purposely and knowingly attacked me. The very thought was abhorrent, yet here we were . . . me quickly pulled back into the protective circle of Cooper’s family while he stood alone in the bedroom—his eyes wild with the residual aggression.

“Are you okay?” Heather asked, scanning me for injury, her gaze never straying far from my neck. Her expression said it all . . . the redness I knew was there would soon become bruises—angry, black and blue bruises that would act as proof that Cooper was right.

I was waiting for him to utter the words—to begin the avalanche of excuses of why I needed to walk away. He’d already tried before to convince me and I’d been able to show him that each reason was irrational.

But this was different.

I wasn’t sure I had the strength or the ability to breach his iron-clad defenses. The fact he hadn’t looked away, his own gaze focused on my throat spoke volumes.

He was already gone.

All that was left was making it official.

“I’m fine,” I heard myself answer, trying to step back toward Cooper but stopped before I could enter the room. It wasn’t just Heather who held her arm out, either. Violet and Bryce did the same. “Please, let me pass. I need to go to him,” I begged, feeling time run out. The longer he was able to think, the firmer his convictions would become.

“Take Caylee home, Bryce.” Cooper’s father didn’t bother looking over his shoulder at me. He kept his eyes locked on his youngest son, inching closer until he was within reaching distance. Trusting that Bryce would obey, he dragged Cooper into his arms and held him tight.

“Come on,” Heather murmured, reluctantly leaving her husband alone with Cooper as she guided me away. It galled me that I no longer offered any resistance—all fight drained from my body—shock finally taking over.

“Bryce, she’s going to faint!” came a voice from behind me.

Everything went fuzzy and I began to fall. As my vision darkened, strong arms scooped me up, keeping me from hitting the floor.

“I’ve got you, Caylee. I’ve got you.”

I need to go to Cooper
, I pleaded to no avail. My voice was trapped inside my head and my body ignored my attempts to move. There was nothing else I could do but surrender, welcoming the brief respite from the battle of wills fast approaching.

I would make him understand.

I would make him listen.

I would make him fight for us.

I would show him that nothing could come between us.

Eventually.

I just hoped it wouldn’t be too late.

****

It was hours later when I heard a knock at the door.

“Cooper!” I exclaimed, finding him and his brother at the doorstep. Without thinking, I threw myself at him, kissing his face, ignoring the awkward way he held me in response. It should’ve warned me that this reunion wasn’t going to be a pleasant one but I didn’t care. I was simply grateful he was all in one piece, the color back in his face now that he’d put some distance between him and his nightmare.

“Hey, can we talk?” He patted me on the back and gently untangled himself from me. The sympathetic glance from Bryce made it finally sink in. Something was very different and there was a high chance I wouldn’t like whatever Cooper had to say.

So be it
, I thought, stepping aside as the brothers entered, Bryce looking every inch the uncomfortable bystander. I had no idea why he was here, but that was okay. Maybe both of us could talk some sense into my stubborn boyfriend and whatever speech he’d been rehearsing during the drive over would fall to ash to second it passed through his lips.

I hadn’t been sitting idly by since returning home. No, I’d be pacing back and forth as well—conducting an imaginary conversation in my head, trying to figure out a counter-argument to any possibility.

This way I was more than ready. Whatever happened, there’d be no surprises. Logic and love was on my side . . . our side.

“I’ll sit in here, maybe watch some television while you two talk. Give you some privacy,” Bryce said, already heading in the direction of the living room. Cooper started to say something, but without his brother there to hear it, it didn’t matter.

Once again, I noted the annoyed expression Cooper wore. He didn’t like being left alone with me—the first of many daggers to pierce my heart, making my chest ache.

“What’s going on?” I ventured, gesturing for him to walk through to the kitchen. If he was about to say what I thought he might, I refused to do it in my bedroom . . . not where we’d spent countless hours making love, baring each other’s souls in those vulnerable moments. “Can I get you something to drink?

Coward. Even though I hadn’t done anything wrong, it didn’t stop me from offering up small talk on the off chance he’d suddenly change his mind. He had something to say. When he didn’t sit at the table, I stopped in my tracks.

We were going to do this now without any further preamble.

“I think you know what this is about, Caylee.”

I nodded, not that he could see. “I do. I was just hoping that you’d at least look me in the eye while you did it.”

“This is hard for me.” Seemed he was hedging as well. He looked exhausted, his t-shirt was rumpled from tossing and turning earlier. What he needed most was to be back home resting or taking me into his arms, both of us savoring each other’s company, finding comfort from a tough situation.

Instead, he was here—agony blazing in his eyes as if somehow it would explain the bombshell he planned on dropping.

“Then why do it?” Just because I knew the words that were coming didn’t mean I would make this any easier on him. Apparently he’d expected me to do so because my response made him frown. His hand shook as he lifted it to rub his jaw.

“Let me get this out . . . please.” It was painful watching this otherwise confident man scramble to find his courage. It was on the tip of my tongue to start the discussion—to confront the giant elephant in the room he’d brought with him.

Instead I nodded and took a seat. If this was what he wanted, he’d need to work for it.

“I once thought my heart would forever remain broken. Actually, I didn’t give a shit about it healing. The more pain each beat inflicted, the more it felt justified. But you . . . you came along and began piecing it together again. Damn you, Caylee. Why did you have to make me feel?”

Just like that, I was standing again. “You act as if we were the worst thing in the world to happen, that loving me has made you somehow weaker. How can you stand there and, not just lie to me, but lie to yourself?” The longer I stood here listening to the bullshit excuses spewing out of his mouth, the more frustrated I became. There was no way I would let him justify away what we meant to each other.

“I’ve never been more honest in my life, sweetheart.” It was hard not cringe over the term of endearment I’d grown to cherish, especially now. It didn’t hold the same meaning. “I just don’t want to lose you.”

Round and around his words swirled in my head. “So why are you trying to push me away? You’re making no sense.”

“I’m making perfect sense,” he fired back, stubbornly.

I refused to cry, even though each breath I took threatened to burst the dam holding back my tears. There was enough emotion there to drown us both. He didn’t speak again. I finally snapped. Not with the guttural sob I knew would eventually come, but with anger.

“I’ve already had to be told I lost the love of my life once before, Cooper Hensley. I don’t care how hard this has been for you. Don’t you dare force me to endure that heartache again. Do you hear me?” I pummeled my hands hard against his chest, feeling a small twinge of satisfaction when he flinched. “Don’t you fucking dare!”

“It was wrong of me to think I could keep you, that my past wouldn’t stay there and not come between us. But I can see now that I was a fool. You can’t ever be with me, Caylee. Can’t you see that now? You say that you love me and that we can get through this, but that’s the problem. We can’t. Not now, not after this.”

“They’re just bruises, Cooper. They’ll fade. You didn’t mean it. I knew better and I ignored it.”

“What will it take to prove to you I was right all along? If you won’t pay attention to bruises, how about the next time I get triggered, wake up wrong and bones get broken? Or worse?”

“There won’t be a next time,” I whispered, the sound of my heart breaking into a million fractures echoing in each syllable.

“There will always be a next time. Don’t you get that?” Before I could answer him, Cooper kept ranting. “Actually, you’re right. That is one thing we can agree on. This won’t happen again. I won’t allow it. I refuse to hurt you worse than I already have.”

“You’re hurting me right now! Please, we can work something out!”

“Is that how you want our relationship to be? A series of moments where you can’t quite be sure I won’t snap and fly off the deep end?”

“You were in the middle of a nightmare. I knew the risk. I knew you’d been triggered. All I wanted was to comfort you. You kept calling for me.”

“So you’re willing to sacrifice yourself . . . purposely put yourself in danger because what? You went in warned? Are you even listening to yourself, Caylee?”

“I love you, Cooper. I’m not afraid of you.”

“You should be. That’s the point.” His fingers dragged through his already messy hair as he began pacing back and forth. “I love you, too, sweetheart.” Any other time those three words would’ve made me feel like dancing, but now, they felt empty in my ears. My throat restricted. “And that’s why I won’t sacrifice that. I want it all with you, Caylee Sawyer, or nothing at all. I can’t accept anything less and frankly, you shouldn’t either.”

“Then why do you keep trying to convince me that we shouldn’t be together? Why our relationship and the happiness we feel is impossible to hold on to? We don’t have to sleep in the same bed. We don’t have to be in the same room again when you have an episode!” I blurted out, instantly regretting it when he stopped moving. He stared at me as hurt crashed over his features. In my attempt to understand where he was coming from, I’d thrown everything at him—the fact that he always hesitated about falling asleep together, adamant that snuggling afterwards could lead to tragedy.

I’d misunderstood.

“Is that what you think? That I’m using that as a reason? Because we can’t be like normal couples and spoon?”

My mouth opened, but nothing came out. He was right, in my zeal to get him to see things my way, I’d misjudged his intentions.

“Maybe you never really knew me then.”

“Maybe that’s because, despite everything, you still withheld a small piece of yourself . . . shielding me from the darkness you believe lurks there.” Growing up my father always teased me that one day my temper would get in the way of things and he was right. Once again, I said the wrong thing. I was losing him.

“And with good cause.” Backing away, he refused to let me touch him. Cooper stalked to the door and opened it, calling for his brother. Bryce exited first. “This is for your own good and, one day, you’ll thank me for it.”

“If you walk out on me now, don’t ever come back.” The threat felt bitter in my mouth. While my words were filled with hurt and anger, my heart and soul wept.

“Then this is goodbye. Take care, Caylee.”

I didn’t race after him. If he hadn’t listened to what I’d already said, then there was no changing his mind.

I guess his demons were louder.