Big Girl (2010) (22 page)

Chapter 21

Victoria spent a quiet Christmas with Harlan and John at the apartment, and although she missed Gracie, she was happy not to have to travel during the holidays, or deal with her family's hysteria over the wedding. It was still six months away, and everyone was already nuts, particularly her parents. It was the first time she hadn't gone home, and it felt strange, but peaceful.

She, Harlan, and John exchanged presents on Christmas Eve, as she did with her family usually, and they went to midnight mass afterward. The traditions hadn't changed, just the people and the venues. It was a beautiful mass at St. Patrick's Cathedral, and although none of them was particularly religious, they found it very moving, and they came home and had tea in the kitchen and went to bed. And she talked to Gracie several times the next day. She was shuttling back and forth between their parents' and the Wilkeses'. And Harry had given her diamond earrings for Christmas, which she told Victoria were gorgeous.

On Christmas night, Victoria was extremely nervous about what was going to happen the next day. They had given her pre-op instructions. She couldn't eat or drink after midnight, couldn't take aspirin. She had never had surgery before and didn't know what to expect, other than a nose that she loved at the end of it, or at least not one that she hated as much as she had her present one all her life. She couldn't wait for the change. She knew it wouldn't transform her and suddenly make her beautiful, but she knew she would feel different, and that a major irritant that had embarrassed her for years would be altered. She kept looking in the mirror and couldn't wait for it to be altered. She already felt different. She was shedding the things that had made her unhappy, or trying to, and she was proud of herself for not going home for Christmas, as she had every year. Thanksgiving had just been too awful. And the Christmas she spent in New York was easy and warm at least, with her roommates.

It was sad, but her parents were just too hard for her to be around. Their overt, covert, and subliminal message was always the same: "We don't love you." For years she had tried to turn that around, and she couldn't. Now she no longer wanted to try. It was her first step toward health. And the rhinoplasty was another. It had deep psychological meaning for her. She wasn't condemned to be ugly and ridiculed by them forever. She was taking control of her life.

Victoria got up early and walked around the apartment nervously before she left. The tree was sitting in a corner of the apartment, and she wondered how she'd feel when she got home. Not too bad, she hoped. She hoped she wouldn't be in terrible pain or feel sick. And she was scared to death when she took a cab to the hospital at six
A.M
. Had it been for anything else, she might have backed out and canceled. She was terrified when she walked through the double doors into the same day surgery unit. And from then on it was like being sucked into a well-oiled machine. People greeted her, had her sign papers, and put a plastic ID bracelet on her wrist. They drew blood, took her blood pressure, and listened to her heart. The anesthesiologist came to talk to her, and reassured her that she would feel nothing and be asleep. They wanted to know about any allergies she had, which she didn't. They weighed her, put her in a surgical gown, and had her put on elastic stockings to avoid blood clots, which seemed odd to her, since they were operating on her nose, not her knees or her feet, and the stockings felt funny and went from her toes to the top of her thighs. And she hated the weigh-in, because on their scale she had gained three pounds, even if she insisted on taking off her shoes to be weighed. The war for her weight was not won yet.

Nurses and technicians came and went, someone put an IV in her arm, and before she knew what had happened, she was on the operating table, and her surgeon was smiling at her and patting her hand, while the anesthesiologist talked to her, and seconds later she was asleep. Nothing happened after that, and she woke up feeling incredibly groggy while someone far, far away kept saying her name over and over again.

"Victoria ... Victoria ... Victoria? ... Victoria ..." She wanted them to be quiet and let her sleep.

"Hmm ... what ..." They kept waking her up as she tried to go back to sleep.

"Your surgery is over, Victoria," a voice said. She fell asleep again, and then someone put a straw in her mouth and offered her a drink. She took a sip, and slowly she began to wake up. She could feel tape on her face, and it felt strange, but she wasn't in pain. They gave her oral pain-killers after she woke. She spent the day in and out of sleep. And they made sure she was warm enough. They finally told her that she had to wake up if she wanted to go home. They cranked up the bed and made her sit up, while she nodded off again. And then they gave her Jell-O, and she looked up and saw Harlan standing next to her bed. John had a cold, so he didn't come.

"Hi ... what are you doing here?" She looked at him in surprise and felt drunk. "Oh yeah ... that's right. I'm going home ... I'm kind of out of it," she said apologetically, and he grinned.

"I'll say. I don't know what they're giving you, but I want some." She laughed and felt a sharp twinge in her face when she did. He didn't tell her that the bandages on her face looked like a hockey mask. They'd been putting ice packs on her face all day. And a nurse came in to help her dress while Harlan waited outside. She was in a wheelchair still looking sleepy when he saw her again.

"How do I look? Is my nose pretty?" she asked him groggily.

"You look gorgeous," Harlan said, exchanging a smile with the nurse. She was used to groggy patients. Victoria was wearing sweatpants and a top that opened down the front, which they had told her to do, so she didn't pull it over her head. The nurse had put Victoria's shoes and socks on, after taking the elastic stockings off, and her hair was disheveled and pulled back in an elastic band. And they had given her pills to take with her in case she was in pain when she got home. Harlan left her in the lobby with the nurse while he went to get a cab and was back in less than a minute. Victoria was shocked to see that it was dark outside. It was six o'clock, and she had been there for twelve hours. The nurse rolled the wheelchair right out to the cab, and Harlan helped Victoria in, settled her on the seat, and thanked the nurse. He hoped Victoria hadn't heard her warn him that she was a big girl, so he didn't try to lift her. He knew how she hated that expression. It was one of the painful mantras of her childhood. She didn't want to be a "big girl," just a kid then, and a woman now.

"What did she say?" Victoria frowned as she looked at him.

"She said you look like you've been on a two-week drunk, and she wishes she had your legs."

"Yeah," Victoria nodded seriously, "everyone says that ... they want my legs ... great legs ... fat ass though." The driver smiled in the rearview mirror when he heard her, and Harlan gave him their address. It was a short drive home, and Victoria dozed with her chin on her chest, and once she snored. It was not a romantic vision, but Harlan loved her. She had become his best friend. He woke her when they got there.

"Okay, sleeping beauty. We're back at the castle. Get your gorgeous ass out of the cab." He wished he had the wheelchair at the house, but she didn't need it. She was a little disoriented and woozy, but he got her in the elevator and into the apartment in minutes, and led her to the couch, so she could sit down while he took off his coat and her own. John came out of their bedroom in a bathrobe, and smiled when he saw her. She looked like an alien in the bandage that covered most of her face, with two holes for her eyes and a splint to protect her nose. She was quite a sight, but he made no comment about it to Victoria and hoped she wouldn't look in the mirror. There had been cotton packing in her nose all day, but very little bleeding. And the nurse had removed it before she left.

"Where do you want to be?" Harlan asked her gently. "On the couch or in bed?" She thought about it for a long moment.

"Bed ... I'm sleepy ..."

"Are you hungry?"

"No, thirsty ...," she said, running her tongue over her lips. The nurse had given her Vaseline to put on them. "And cold," she added. They had put warm blankets on her at the hospital all day, and she wished she had one now.

Harlan brought her a glass of apple juice with a straw, as they had told him to do. Victoria had several pages of post-op instructions for the coming days. And a few minutes later he led her to her room, helped her undress and put her pajamas on, and five minutes later she was sound asleep propped up on pillows in bed to elevate her head, and Harlan was back in the living room with John.

"Wow, she looks like a train wreck," John whispered to Harlan, and he nodded.

"They told her to expect a lot of bruising and swelling. She's going to have two big shiners tomorrow. But she's happy, or she will be. She wanted a new nose, and she got one. It may not look like a big deal to us, but I think it's a big deal to her psychologically, so why not?" John agreed. They spent a quiet evening on the couch, watching two movies, and every so often Harlan would go in and check on Victoria. She was sound asleep and purring softly. And somewhere under the bandages she had the new nose she wanted. Santa Claus had brought it to her the day after Christmas. It was a gift she had wanted all her life.

The next day Victoria woke up feeling like she'd been in a rodeo all year. She ached, she was tired, she felt as though she had been drugged. There was a dull ache in her nose. She decided to have breakfast and take a pain pill, but she wanted to eat something first so it didn't make her sick. By sheer habit, she opened the freezer and was staring at the ice cream when Harlan walked in.

"I don't think so," the voice of her conscience said right behind her when he saw what she was looking at. "You have a fabulous new nose. Let's not go crazy with the ice cream, shall we?" He closed the freezer door, opened the fridge, and handed her the apple juice. "How do you feel?"

"So-so, but not too bad. Kind of woozy. I'm a little sore. I'm just going to sleep today, and take the pain medicine." She wanted to stay on top of it so it didn't get too bad. The swelling had gotten worse, which they had warned her would happen for the first few days.

"Good idea," he said. He made some whole wheat toast, covered it with a low-fat synthetic dairy spread, and handed it to her. "Do you want eggs?" She shook her head. She didn't want to lose track of her diet in the coming days, especially while she couldn't exercise.

"Thanks for taking care of me yesterday," she said, trying to smile, but there was tape on her face and it felt odd. She felt like the man in the iron mask, and she couldn't wait to get the bandages off in a week. They were annoying, and she was afraid to look in the mirror. She had made a point of not doing so in her bedroom, or when she went to the bathroom. She didn't want to scare herself and knew she might, and you couldn't see her nose anyway. It was all covered up under the bandages and splint.

Victoria slept for the next two days and hung around the house after that. It was a quiet time, she had no plans, and she had done the surgery over the holidays so she could take it easy. Harlan brought her movies, and she watched TV a lot, although she had a headache for the first few days. She talked to Helen, but she didn't want to see anyone except John and Harlan. She didn't feel up to it and was afraid she looked too scary. And by New Year's Eve she was feeling pretty good and didn't need the pain pills. Harlan and John had gone skiing in Vermont by then, and she spent the evening alone watching TV and loving the idea that she had a new nose, even if she hadn't seen it yet. Gracie called her from Mexico that night. She was at the Palmilla Hotel in Cabo with Harry and some of his friends, and she said it was fabulous. As his fiancee and soon-to-be wife, she had a golden life now. Victoria didn't envy her, though, because she wouldn't have wanted to be there with him, but Gracie sounded ecstatic.

"So how's the new nose?" Gracie asked her. She had called several times that week, and sent Victoria flowers, which was very sweet. Victoria had been touched by the gesture. Their parents knew nothing of the surgery, and Victoria didn't want them to. She was sure they would disapprove and make rude comments about it. Gracie had agreed to keep it secret.

"I haven't seen it yet," Victoria admitted. "They're taking the bandages off next week. Supposedly, except for the bruising and some swelling, it should look pretty good. They said I'd be back to normal, relatively, within a week or two, except that I'll still be tired. But I can cover the bruising with makeup." They had told her that she would only have a Band-Aid on her nose after that, but all the bandages and stitches would be gone within a week or two. "Are you having fun?" She suddenly missed her baby sister terribly.

"It's fantastic here. We have an incredible suite," Gracie said, sounding happy.

"You're going to be one spoiled brat as Mrs. Wilkes," Victoria teased her, but she didn't begrudge it to her. She liked her own life better in some ways, and her job. At least no one was telling her what to think, do, and say. She couldn't have stood it. Gracie didn't seem to care, as long as she had Harry. It was the same pact with the devil that their mother had made, and Victoria felt sorry for them both.

"I know," Gracie tittered in answer to the remark about being spoiled. "I love it. Well, let me know how the nose looks."

"I'll call you immediately when I see it."

"Your old one was fine," Gracie said again. It wasn't hideous, just round.

"My new one will be better!" Victoria said, happy about it again. "Have fun in Cabo. I love you ... and Happy New Year!"

"You too. I hope it will be a good year for you too, Victoria." Victoria knew she meant it, and wished the same for her. They hung up, and Victoria settled back to watch another movie from the couch. And at midnight she was sound asleep. It had been a quiet New Year's Eve for her, and she didn't mind at all.

Chapter 22

Dr. Schwartz took Victoria's bandages off eight days later and said she was very pleased with the result when she saw it. It was healing nicely. Victoria had been brave enough to see her face-mask bandages in the mirror by then, and she thought she looked ghoulish, though for a good cause. She didn't regret the surgery for a minute, and when she saw the result unveiled, she was thrilled, despite the bruising, and slight swelling. The doctor pointed out where the swelling was and where she could expect improvement, but all things considered, it looked great, and Victoria let out a squeal of delight. The surgeon had done a fantastic job. And the patient was ecstatic. She said she already felt like a new person.

The only shocking thing, and Victoria wasn't surprised, since she had been told to expect it, was the extent of the bruising, which was severe. She had two huge black eyes, and bluish discoloration that went down most of her face. But the doctor assured her that it would go away soon, was normal, and she could start covering it with makeup in a few days. She said she'd be quite presentable by the time she went back to school in another week. And it would continue to improve after that as the swelling went down and the bruising disappeared. It would continue to look even better over several months. She put a Band-Aid over the bridge of Victoria's nose and sent her home. She said she could go back to normal activity, within reason. No sky diving, water polo, or touch football, she teased her. No contact sports. She told her to be reasonable and not do anything where she might hit her nose, and when Victoria inquired, she said that she could go to the gym, but again be sensible about it and not overdo. No jogging, no strenuous exercise, no swimming, no extreme workouts, which Victoria didn't want to do anyway. It had been freezing outside all week. And the doctor added "no sex," which unfortunately wasn't an issue for her at the moment.

Victoria was so happy with the result that she bought a big Caesar salad on the way home, and ate it in the kitchen. She had lost a few pounds from not eating much while she was sleeping her way through her recovery, and the pain pills had killed her appetite. She hadn't even eaten ice cream, and just to be on the safe side, Harlan had thrown it away again. He called it her "stash." In the Chutes and Ladders of weight loss, it set her back at zero again every time.

She put on her gym clothes after she ate the salad, and walked the several blocks to the gym, in leggings, gym shorts, an old Northwestern sweatshirt, a parka, and a pair of beat-up old running shoes. Harlan and John were still skiing in Vermont, and the day was crisp and clear in New York despite predictions of snow.

She signed in at the gym, and decided to ride the exercise bike, and put it on the easiest setting since she hadn't exercised in a week and wanted to start slow. She put her iPod on and was listening to the music with her eyes closed as she pedaled rhythmically along. She didn't open them until she'd been on the bike for ten minutes, and was startled to see the same very good-looking man sitting next to her whom she'd seen there before Christmas. This time he was alone, without the beautiful woman who'd been with him, and he was looking at Victoria when she opened her eyes. She had forgotten what her face looked like after the surgery, with all the bruising, and she wondered why he was staring at her, and then she remembered and was embarrassed. He was looking sympathetic and pained for her. He said something and she took the iPod out of her ear. He had a light tan on his face as though he'd been skiing, and she was struck again by how handsome he was.

"What does the other guy look like?" he teased her lightly, and she smiled, suddenly acutely aware of the bruises on her face and remains of two black eyes. And she wondered if he had guessed why. He looked more serious then as he chatted with her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make a joke of it. It looks painful. It must have been a nasty accident. Car or ski?" he asked matter-of-factly. Victoria hesitated, with a look of confusion, and she didn't know what to say.
Nose job
sounded a lot worse to her, and would have made her feel foolish to a stranger.

"Car," she said simply as they pedaled along.

"I figured. Did you have your seatbelt on, or was it the air bag? People don't realize how easily you can break your nose with an air bag. I know several people who have." She nodded as a blanket yes and felt really stupid. "I hope you sue the hell out of whoever hit you," he said, still sympathetic, assuming immediately that it was the other guy's fault, not hers. "Sorry. I'm a lawyer. I get litigious at the drop of a hat. There are so many drunk drivers on the road over the holidays, and bad ones, it's a wonder more people don't get killed. You were lucky."

"Yes, I was." Very.
I got a new nose
, she thought to herself, but didn't say it.

"I just came back from skiing in Vermont with my sister. She was with me the last time I saw you. The poor thing was minding her own business and got hit by a kid out of control on a snowboard and broke her shoulder. She came out from the Midwest to spend the holidays with me, and now she goes back with a broken shoulder. It's really painful. She was a good sport about it." Victoria was staring at him, with the information that the beauty he'd had with him was his sister. So where was his wife? She checked, and he had no wedding ring on, but a lot of men didn't wear them, so that meant nothing. And even if he wasn't married or didn't have a girlfriend, she couldn't imagine him wanting her, even with her new nose. She was still a "big girl," even with a smaller, better nose.

He pointed to her sweatshirt then. "Northwestern? My sister graduated from there."

"Me too," Victoria said in a hoarse croak, which had nothing to do with her surgery. She was too dazzled by him to speak.

"Great school. Shit weather though. I wanted to get out of the Midwest after growing up there, so I went to Duke." It was in North Carolina and one of the best schools in the country, Victoria knew. She tried to help her students get in there all the time. "My brother went to Harvard. My parents still brag about it. I couldn't get in," he said modestly with a grin. "I went to law school at NYU, which is how I wound up here. What about you? Native New Yorker or other?" He was chatting away as they rode the bikes, and it felt very surreal to her, riding along next to this gorgeous man who was telling her about his family, his education, where he came from, and asking about her. And he acted like her face was normal and not black and blue, and she didn't have two black eyes. He looked at her as though she was pretty, and she wondered if he was blind.

"I'm from L.A.," she answered his question. "I moved here after college. I teach at a private school."

"That must be interesting," he said pleasantly. "Little kids or big ones?"

"High school seniors. English. They're a handful, but I love them." She smiled, hoping she didn't look like a ghoul. But he didn't seem to think so, and didn't look bothered by it at all.

"That's a tough age, judging by myself anyway. I gave my parents a tough time in high school. I stole my dad's car and totaled it twice. That's easy to do on black ice in Illinois. I was lucky I didn't get killed." He mentioned after that that he had grown up in a suburb of Chicago, and she could guess that it was an affluent one. Despite the workout clothes, he looked well heeled, had a good haircut, was well spoken, polished, polite, and was wearing an expensive gold watch. She looked like a bum, and always went to the gym that way, and hadn't had a manicure in over a week. It was the one luxury she always indulged in, but she hadn't gone since the surgery. She didn't want to scare anyone, explain her bandages, and she wasn't going out anyway. Now here she was next to the most gorgeous man she'd ever seen, and she hadn't combed her hair and didn't even have nail polish on.

Their bikes stopped at almost the same time, and they both got off. He said he was going to the steam room, and with a warm smile he stuck out his hand.

"I'm Collin White, by the way."

"Victoria Dawson." They shook hands, and after a few inane words, she picked up her things and left, and he headed to the steam room, and stopped to chat with a man he knew along the way. Victoria was still thinking about him when she walked home. She felt good after some exercise at the gym, and he'd been nice to talk to. She hoped she would see him again.

Her doctor was right, and by the time she went back to school, she could cover most of what was left of the bruising with makeup. There was a faint shadow still around her eyes, but she looked pretty good, and the swelling had come down a lot around her nose. Not all the way, but close. And she loved her new nose. She felt like she had a whole new face. She couldn't wait to see her parents in June and watch their reaction, if they noticed. The difference seemed enormous to her.

She had just taught her last class of the day, after helping half a dozen students with the college essays they hadn't finished and were now panicked about, when three of the girls were lingering in the classroom, talking. One of them was the student who had had the breast reduction over Christmas, and the same threesome who had discussed it before. They were best friends. They went everywhere together at school.

"How did it go?" Victoria asked cautiously. She didn't want to be too intrusive. "Not too painful, I hope."

"It was great!" the girl said, pulling up her sweatshirt and exposing her bra, since there were no boys in the room at the time. "I
love
my new boobs! I wish I'd done it sooner!" And then she looked at Victoria intently, as though seeing her for the first time, and in some ways she was, parts of her anyway. "Omigod! You did it!" She was staring at the middle of Victoria's face, and the other two girls looked too. "I love your new nose!" she said emphatically, and Victoria blushed to the roots of her hair.

"Can you tell?"

"Yes ... no ... I mean, you didn't look like Rudolf before. But it's a definite subtle difference. That's how it's supposed to be. People aren't supposed to shriek and know you did it. You're just supposed to look better and no one can figure out why. Your nose is great! Watch out though, it's addictive. My mom does something all the time. Chin implants, botox, new boobs, lipo. Now she wants to reduce her thighs and calves. I'm happy with my boobs," the girl said, looking pleased.

"And I love my nose," Victoria admitted happily, since they were all so much more sophisticated than she was, and familiar with the process. "I actually decided to do it after talking to you. You made me feel brave. I'd never dared to do it before."

"Well, you did good," she congratulated her, and gave Victoria a high-five.

They all left the room together, and passed Amy Green and Justin in the hall. She smiled broadly at Victoria. She hadn't admitted the pregnancy yet at school, and it still didn't show, although it would soon. She was young and her muscles were tight, and she was dressing carefully to conceal it. Justin was constantly with her protecting her like a security man guarding the Hope diamond. They were sweet to watch. "He follows her around like a puppy," one of the girls said, rolling her eyes as they walked by.

Victoria thanked the girls again for their good advice and went to her office to pick up some files she wanted to take home. She was touched by their praise of her new nose. She loved it too. She wondered for a minute then if she should have a breast reduction too, and then she remembered what the girls had said, that plastic surgery was addictive and some women didn't know where to stop. She was going to stop here, with her nose. She'd have to work the rest off the hard way, and she was working at it steadily. The wedding was five months away.

She ran into Collin White again that night at the gym, and they chatted easily as they rode the bikes. He told her what law firm he worked at on Wall Street and that he was a litigator. It was an important firm, and his job sounded interesting to her. And she told him where she taught. He had heard of the school. They talked about nothing in particular, and when they got off the bikes, he surprised her and asked her if she wanted to go for a drink across the street. She looked as big a mess as she had before, and couldn't believe that he'd ask her anywhere or want to be seen with her. He asked her again as though he really meant it, and she nodded, put on her coat, and followed him across the street, wondering why he'd want to have a drink with her.

They both ordered wine, and she asked how his sister's shoulder was after the snowboard accident.

"Painful, I think. Those things take a while, and you can't do much with a shoulder, except time. She was lucky she didn't need surgery when it happened."

He asked more about the school where she worked then, and why she'd gone into teaching, and about her family. She told him she had a sister who was seven years younger, had just graduated from USC the previous June, and was getting married in five months.

"That's pretty young," he commented, looking surprised. "Especially these days." He had told her he was thirty-six, and she said she was twenty-nine.

"I think so too. Our parents got married at that age, right out of college, but people did that more then. Nowadays, nobody gets married at twenty-three, which she will be in June. I was hoping she'd wait, but she won't. It's all about the wedding. My whole family is temporarily insane," she said with a rueful grin. "At least I hope it's temporary. They're driving me nuts."

"Do you like the guy she's marrying?" he asked, looking at her closely, and Victoria hesitated for a long time, and then decided to be honest. "Yes. Maybe. Well enough. But not for her. He's very domineering, and opinionated for a young guy. He doesn't let her open her mouth and thinks for her. I hate seeing her give up her personality and her independence just to be his wife." She didn't say that he had a huge amount of money, and didn't think it appropriate to do so. And that wasn't the point. She wouldn't have liked Harry any better for Gracie if he'd been poor. The money made him pompous. But his own personality made him controlling, which was what Victoria didn't like about him. She wanted more for Gracie than that.