Big Girl (2010) (16 page)

"Sure," Victoria said in answer to his question, with no idea how she could help them, but willing to try. Harlan waved at a chair at the kitchen table, as John let out a sigh. "Looks like you guys are having a problem," she said sympathetically, as her heart went out to both of them.

"Yeah, kind of," John admitted. "It's kind of a moral dilemma."

"Between the two of you?" She looked surprised. She couldn't imagine either of them cheating on the other. And she was certain that Harlan was faithful, and assumed that John was too. They were just that kind of people, with good values, morality, and a lot of integrity, and besides, they loved each other.

"No, it's about a friend," Harlan answered. "I hate meddling in other people's business. I always wondered what I would do if I found out something that would hurt someone I love, but thought that they should know. It's a situation I've never wanted to be in."

"And you are now?" Victoria asked innocently, and they both nodded at the same time. John sighed again, and this time he spoke up. He knew it was too hard for Harlan to do it, and he was the one who had the information first hand. They'd been talking about it for two weeks, and had hoped it would work itself out. But it hadn't. It had gotten worse. And neither of them wanted to see Victoria heading for a wall. They loved her too much as their friend, and almost like a sister.

"I don't know all of the details. But it's about Jack. Your Jack. Life is really weird at times, but I've been talking to a teacher I work with at my school. I've never liked her, and she's kind of a bitch. She's very full of herself, and she's always working some guy. She's been talking a lot lately about some teacher she's having an affair with. He works at another school. She sees him every weekend, but apparently only one night, and she's pissed about it. They see each other one night and one afternoon, and she thinks he's cheating on her, although he says he isn't. Other than that, she thinks he's a great guy, and she says he's crazy about her. They're planning to spend Thanksgiving together instead of going to their families, and he told her he would go see them on Saturday after Thanksgiving for the weekend. And then, I don't know, but it rang a bell for me. I asked her what this guy's last name is, and where he teaches. I never bothered to ask her before, because I really don't give a damn. She says his name is Jack Bailey, and he teaches chem at Madison." John turned sad eyes toward Victoria, and she looked like she was going to faint or burst into tears. "It sounds like your guy is riding two horses, or trying to. I wanted to say something before you got in any deeper. It sounds like he's splitting every weekend, and now Thanksgiving, between the two of you, which is a shit thing to do, if he hasn't told you that's what he's doing and you haven't agreed to it. And honestly, this girl is really a bitch. She's just not a decent person. I don't know what he's doing with her, when he has you." It made both John and Harlan feel sick, for her, and now she looked it too. She started to cry as they sat at the kitchen table, and Harlan handed her a tissue. They felt terrible telling her but thought that she should know what she was dealing with, and whom.

"What am I going to do?" she asked them through her tears.

"I think you have to talk to him about it," John said simply. "You have a right to know what he's doing. He's seeing a lot of you. And apparently of her too, every weekend. And she says she's been sleeping with him for two months." He didn't add salt to the wound by telling Victoria that the other woman claimed he was great in bed. She didn't need to hear that too, particularly since she hadn't slept with him yet herself, but they all knew that she would soon. She had kind of guessed that it would happen naturally over Thanksgiving, and with all her roommates away, she'd been planning to invite him to stay at the apartment, when they got back from their holiday with their families. Although she knew now that he'd been planning to spend it with the other woman, and lying to her about where he was spending the weekend. He was lucky it was a big city and he hadn't run into either of them when he was with the other. But it was a small world anyway, and by sheer coincidence he was seeing a woman who worked with one of her best friends. The possibility of that happening was slim, but it had happened. Providence had intervened.

"What do I say to him? Do you think it's true?" She was hoping it wasn't, but John was honest with her again, however painful.

"Yes, I do. She's a slut, but there's no reason for her to lie or make this up. I think he's the one who's not being honest. And it's a rotten thing to do to you, even if you're not sleeping with him yet. You've been dating him for almost as long as she has. It sounds like he's playing you both." Victoria felt sick as she listened, and sat frozen in her seat. She felt cold suddenly, and the boys saw her shiver.

"Do you think he'll tell me the truth now?" she asked miserably.

"Probably. He's been pretty much caught red-handed. It would be interesting to hear what he does say, and how he explains it. This will be a tough one to justify or clean up."

"I never asked him if he was seeing someone else," Victoria said honestly. "I didn't think I had to. I assumed he wasn't."

"It's a good question to ask," Harlan added sadly. "Some people don't 'fess up unless you ask. But by this point, seeing each other every weekend and building a relationship, he should have told you whether you asked or not." She nodded and thanked John for the information, although she hated hearing it, and he looked miserable for having told her. But they all knew it was right. She had to know. She sat with them in the kitchen for a long time, mulling it over, rehashing what they knew, and was confused, hurt, and angry about it. She managed to avoid Jack at school all the next day. She didn't feel ready to confront him. And that night he called her.

"Where were you today? I looked for you all over and couldn't find you," he said, sounding as affectionate as ever. It was Thursday, and they were supposed to have dinner together the next day. She tried to keep her voice normal, but it was hard. She didn't want to confront him about what she'd heard until they were face to face. This was not a conversation she wanted to have with him over the phone. She had felt sick about it all day, and hadn't slept the night before. It was hard to believe that someone she cared about so much and had been so open with, and trusted so much, had been so dishonest with her. It had been a heart-wrenching revelation. All her fears came back to her that she wasn't good enough to be loved. She hoped he had some reasonable explanation for it. But she couldn't imagine one. She was willing to listen to what he had to say, and wanted to hear it, but the evidence John had presented to her was pretty damning.

She told Jack she had been busy all that day, meeting with students and their parents about the college process, and she invited him to come to the apartment for a drink before dinner the following night. He said it sounded like a great idea, and he was as warm as ever. She had never pressed him about spending both nights of the weekend together, and never wanted to be pushy, but she decided to try it now and see what he would say in response.

"Maybe we can do something Saturday night too. There are some really great new movies out," she said innocently.

"Maybe we can do that Sunday afternoon," he said with a tone of regret. "I have to correct exams all day Saturday and Saturday night. I'm way behind on it now." There was her answer. She could have Friday night and Sunday afternoon, but not Saturday or Saturday night. And with a sinking heart and a knot in her stomach the size of her head, she knew that what John had told her was true. She hadn't doubted it, but hoped he was wrong somehow. Apparently, he wasn't.

She was distracted and nervous at school all day Friday and saw Jack in the teachers' lounge briefly at lunchtime. She nearly ran out the door, and told him she was late for a student meeting. And he arrived at her apartment right on time on Friday night. He looked as appealing and as relaxed as ever. There was a quality about him that made him look honest and sincere. He exuded integrity in a way that suggested that he was a person you could trust. And she had, wholeheartedly. Apparently, he was not what he appeared. It was a bitter pill for her to swallow. They were alone in the apartment. Everyone was out on Friday night. And Harlan and John knew what she'd be doing. She had told them. They were at John's place to give her space but had told her they were available if she needed them.

She had no idea how to start the conversation as she poured him a glass of wine with trembling hands. She had worn slacks and an old sweater. Suddenly she didn't feel beautiful, as she often did when she was with him. She felt ugly, and unloved, and betrayed now. It was a terrible feeling. She hadn't bothered to wash her hair or wear makeup. The notion of competing with the other woman was foreign to her. Her spirit and her confidence in herself had folded like a house of cards. He was proving her father right, she wasn't worthy of being loved. Someone else was.

Jack was looking at her carefully as he held his glass of wine. He could see that she was upset, and had no idea what it was about.

"Something wrong?" he asked innocently.

Her hand was shaking as she set down her glass, and her stomach did a roll. "Maybe," she said softly and raised her eyes to his. "You tell me. I never mentioned it before. Harlan's boyfriend John works at the Aguillera School in the Bronx. Apparently a friend of yours does too. I guess you know who she is better than I do. She says she's been having an affair with you for two months, and she sees you every weekend. I guess that makes me pretty stupid, and you dishonest, or something like that. So what's the deal, Jack? What's the story?" She looked him dead in the eye, and he stared at her for a minute, set down his glass, and walked across the room to look out the window, and then he turned toward her again, and she could see that he was furious. He had been caught.

"You have no right to snoop around about me," he started on the offensive, but it got him nowhere. She didn't buy it.

"I didn't. It fell into my lap, and I guess I'm lucky John told me. She's been bragging about you. It's a small world, Jack, even in a city the size of New York. How long were you planning to do double duty, and why didn't you tell me about it?"

"You never asked me. I never lied to you," he said angrily. "I never told you we were exclusive. If you wanted to know that, you should have asked me."

"You don't think you should have volunteered that by now? We've been seeing each other every weekend for almost two months. Apparently the same amount of time you've been involved with her. What does she think is going on?"

"I never told her I was exclusive with her either," he said, looking angry. "And it's none of your business anyway. I haven't slept with you, Victoria. I don't owe you anything, except pleasant company when we go out, and a nice evening."

"Is that how it works? Those aren't the rules I play by. If I'd been seeing someone else, sexually or not, I would have told you. I would have felt I owed you that, just so you don't get confused or hurt. I had a right to know, Jack. Just as a human being and someone you supposedly cared about, I deserved that. This wasn't just about dinner. We were trying it out as a relationship. And I guess you're doing the same with her. And who else is there? Do you have slots open during the week too? It sounds like you've been a pretty busy guy, and not an honest one. It was a shitty thing to do, Jack, and you know it." There were tears in her eyes when she said it.

"Yeah, whatever," he said, nasty with her for the first time, and he looked cold now. He didn't like being called on the carpet, or being accountable for his behavior. He wanted to do whatever he wanted, no matter who got hurt, as long as it wasn't him. He wasn't the man she'd thought him, not by a long shot. Lamb chops hadn't been a problem, but his integrity was. He had none. The fact that she never asked was no excuse for him leading her on. "I don't owe you any explanations," he said, standing and looking down at her unkindly. "This is dating, that's all it is, and if you don't like the heat, get out of the kitchen. Or in this case, I will. Thanks for the wine," he said, strode to the door, and slammed it behind him. That was it. Two months with a guy she liked and had believed in, and he had cheated on her, lied, and had no regret whatsoever. He didn't give a damn about her. That much was evident. Victoria sat in her chair shaking after he left, but proud of herself for having confronted him. It had been ugly and painful, and she told herself that she was better off finding it out now, but she felt like someone had died when she walked back into her bedroom, lay down on the bed, and sobbed into her pillows. She hated what he had done, but worse yet, she felt terrible about herself. All she could think as she remembered the look in his eyes before he left was that if she had been worthy, he would have loved her. And he didn't.

Chapter 14

Victoria still felt shattered over the disappointment with Jack Bailey when she left for L.A. for Thanksgiving. It was good to see Gracie, and share the holiday with her family, but she was feeling terrible about herself. Gracie could see it, and was sad for her. She could tell how upset she was by what she was eating. All her parents noticed was that she had gained weight, and Victoria went back to New York on Saturday. She couldn't take it any longer.

She called Dr. Watson on Monday morning after Thanksgiving and went in to see her. They had been talking about Jack for the past several weeks. No matter how Victoria turned it around, she still felt somehow to blame, and that if she were truly lovable and worthy of being loved, Jack would have behaved differently.

"It's not about who you are," her psychiatrist said kindly, again, "it's about who he is. His lack of integrity, his dishonesty. This wasn't your failure, it was his." Victoria knew it intellectually, but she couldn't get it emotionally. For her, it always went back to whether she was lovable or not. And if her parents hadn't loved her, who would? And the same principles applied to them. Their failure to love her as she was spoke volumes about who they were, but it still made her feel terrible about herself. And she tried to fill the void with gallons of ice cream when she went home to L.A. over Christmas. She was still depressed and couldn't seem to turn it around. Her parents knew nothing about the relationship with Jack.

She had never shared it with them, and she knew that if she had, they would only have found a way to blame her when it failed. Of course he couldn't love her if she was too fat, and the other woman in his life was probably thin. And in some part of her psyche, Victoria believed that too. She had never had the courage to ask John what the other woman looked like. She believed her parents' subliminal and overt messages. Men only loved girls who looked like Gracie. And no man wanted an intelligent woman. She didn't look like Gracie, and she was a bright girl. So who would want her? She was still seriously depressed when she went back to New York on New Year's Eve. She spent midnight on the plane and when the captain announced Happy New Year at midnight, Victoria pulled a blanket over her head and cried.

It had been agony seeing Jack at school between Thanksgiving and Christmas. She never ate lunch in the teachers' lounge anymore. She stayed in her classroom, or went for walks outside, along the East River. It was a serious reminder of why it wasn't smart to get romantically involved with someone at work. Picking up the pieces later was a mess. And there were whispers among teachers and students that they had been dating and she had gotten dumped. It was humiliating beyond belief. Victoria did all she could to disappear, although it was Jack who should have been ashamed. And she heard just before Christmas that he was dating the French teacher who had been chasing him since the first day of school. She felt sorry for her, since she assumed he was still seeing the woman at John's school, and not being any more honest with the French teacher than he had been with her. Or maybe the French teacher was smarter and knew the right questions to ask, like "Are we exclusive?" Or maybe he would have lied. In any case, it wasn't Victoria's problem anymore. Jack Bailey was no longer in her life. It was a dream that had almost happened, and had fallen apart before it did. More than anything, for Victoria, it was a loss of hope. Helen and Carla tried to comfort her as gently as they could, but she avoided them too. She didn't want to discuss it with anyone, in school or out. She didn't talk to John and Harlan about it either now. It was done. But they could see how badly it had impacted her.

She was grateful for the distraction when she went on a college tour with Gracie in January, over a long weekend. They went to visit three schools in the East, but Gracie was determined to stay on the West Coast. She was a California girl, but they both enjoyed the trip anyway. It was a wonderful chance to be together. And Gracie didn't say anything when Victoria ate a huge steak and baked potato with sour cream, followed by a hot fudge sundae for dessert when they went out to dinner. She knew how sad she was over Jack. And Victoria was well aware herself that even her baggiest pants had gotten tight since Thanksgiving. She knew she had to do something about it, but she wasn't ready to yet. She wasn't ready to give up what her shrink called "the bottle under the bed," which in her case was fattening foods. In the long run, the result of eating them only made her feel worse, like an alcoholic, but they offered comfort for a minute.

One of the highlights of Gracie's visit to her sister was spending a day with Victoria at school. She sat in on her classes, and she had fun talking to the other students. And it gave her students further insight into Victoria to meet her younger sister. Gracie was a big hit in the classroom, spoke up easily, and was the instant focus of all the boys, who wanted her e-mail, and to know if she was on Facebook, which she was. She handed her e-mail address out like candy, and they grabbed it. Victoria was relieved that Gracie left before she turned her classes upside down. She was more beautiful than ever at nearly eighteen, which suddenly made Victoria feel old as well as huge. It depressed her to think that she would be turning twenty-five in a few months. A quarter of a century. And what did she have to show for it? All she could focus on was that she had no man in her life and was still battling her weight. She had a job and a sister she loved and nothing else. She had no boyfriend, and had never had a serious one, and her social life consisted of Harlan and John. It didn't seem like enough at her age. And Dr. Watson broadsided her the next time they met, when Victoria told her about the college tour she'd taken with Gracie and how much fun it was for her.

"I want to raise a question for you to think about," her psychiatrist said quietly. Victoria had come to rely on her in the past year and a half and value what she said. "Do you think it's possible that you keep the weight on so you don't have to compete with your beautiful younger sister? You take yourself out of the running, by hiding behind your own body. Maybe you're afraid that if you lost the weight, you still couldn't compete, or don't want to."

Victoria brushed off what she said and summarily dismissed it. "I don't have to compete, nor should I, with a seventeen-year-old girl. She's a kid. I'm an adult."

"You're both women, in a family where your parents pitted you against each other, and told you that you weren't good enough, and she was, from the day she was born. That's a heavy weight for both of you, and more so for you. So you withdrew from the competition." It was an interesting point that Victoria didn't want to hear.

"I was big before she was born," Victoria insisted.

"Big compared to your sister. Don't confuse the issue. But being overweight is different." The psychiatrist was suggesting that it was a protective covering she wore, a camouflage suit that kept people from seeing her as a woman, even though she was a pretty girl. But not as beautiful as Gracie. So she checked out of the competition and disappeared into a body that made her invisible to most young men, except ultimately the right one. But her psychiatrist hoped that she would take the weight off before that, only because it made her unhappy.

"Are you saying I don't love my sister?" Victoria asked, looking angry for a moment.

"No," her doctor said quietly, "I'm saying you don't love yourself." Victoria fell silent for a long moment, as tears ran freely down her cheeks. She had learned long since what the tissue box was for and why people used it as often as they did.

In the spring of Victoria's second year at Madison, they offered her a permanent job in the English department. And she was relieved to hear that Jack Bailey's contract wasn't being renewed. The rumor was that he'd been told "it wasn't a good fit." But his heated affair with the French teacher had turned ugly, and they'd been seen fighting in the halls, and the passionate Parisian had hit him right in school. And after that, Jack had gotten involved with one of the students' mothers, which was a well-known taboo in the school. Victoria was relieved that he was leaving. It was painful every time she ran into him in the halls, and a reminder to her that somehow she had been inadequate and not enough for him to love her, and he had been dishonest and a jerk.

She was thrilled to have the job for good and not have to worry about it every year. Now she had a home at Madison and could settle in with a sense of security about her work. Helen and Carla had been thrilled when she told them and took her out for lunch. And she celebrated the news that night with Harlan and John. Bill had moved out by then, to live with Julie, and John had taken over his old room and was using it as an office, and they were sharing Harlan's room. John was a good addition to the group and Bunny liked him too. She was spending more and more time in Boston, and Victoria had a feeling she'd be moving soon too, and possibly getting married. As single people, it was a fluid community, but she, John, and Harlan weren't going anywhere. She didn't even bother to call her parents about the job, although she told Gracie, who was two months away from graduation and was ecstatic over being accepted at USC. And she was planning to live in the dorms. Their parents would have an empty nest at last. They weren't happy about it, but she was adamant, and their parents always gave in to
her
. It struck Victoria that they were more upset about Gracie moving to the dorms than about her own move three thousand miles away. Whatever happened, Gracie was always the apple of her father's eye and his baby, and Victoria was their tester cake. They hadn't thrown her away, but they might as well. Their lack of affection and approval for her had done just as much damage. And for Victoria, it was the reality of her relationship with them.