Between Friends (25 page)

“
What should I do then?
Find Jessica later and talk to her in private? We leave tomorrow on
the same flight. She can’t avoid me forever.” I say and flop down
on the sofa in misery.

“
Do you love him?” Michelle
asks ignoring my questions all together. She leans against the desk
with a curious glimmer in her eyes, and tosses her hair up into a
bun.

“
Forget about Ben” I
whisper and roll my eyes, “What should I do about
Jessica?”

“
Forget about Jessica.” She
teases, “It’s a simple question. Do you love him or
not?”

I am not sure why I am scared to admit
it out loud, but I think it’s because once I actually verbalize my
feelings they will either sound absolutely ridiculous, or
frighteningly real. I am petrified to tap into those deep dormant
emotions, because I know exactly how I feel about Ben, despite how
badly I am trying to fight it. Because even though I told him I
wanted him out of my life for good, the truth is that I am
terrified of my life without him. No matter how much I try to deny
my feelings, I love Ben, I always have and I always
will.

“
Yes” I mumble, unable to
look up at Michelle.

“
Sorry I can’t hear you.” I
hear a smirk shine through her voice.

“
Yes okay, I love him.” I
hiss.

“
What the hell are you
doing then? Why are you sitting around here worrying about Jessica
and Michael? They will forgive you. Maybe not today, but soon
enough, and right now, you and Ben need to fix your
shit.”

“
But Michelle, it’s not
that easy” I say slouching further into the sofa.

“
So you are just going to
let him go? So he can go out and have more meaningless sex with
girls like Stephanie?” Michelle asks tapping her foot on the
floor.

“
Maybe that is all he
wants! Maybe that is all I was to him too!”

“
Ben would never do that to
you, he worships you.” Michelle chuckles.

“
Oh please.” I say rolling
my eyes, “Yeah, he worships me as a friend who drinks beer with him
over a Blackhawks game on a Thursday night.”

“
Go and find him right now.
You need to give him an ultimatum. You are either together
for
real
, or
you’re
nothing
at
all.” Michelle commands and walks over to me. She yanks me up off
the sofa and shoves me towards the door.

“
Michelle no – “ my voice
quivers.

“
Do you want to lose him
forever?” She asks.

“
I don’t know what I want!”
I cry brushing my loose strands of hair to the side.

“
Megan, stop it!” Michelle
shouts gripping me by the shoulders, “Stand up for yourself
goddammit. Tell Ben how you really feel and don’t let this get any
worse than it already is. Take it from me. You do not want to be
like Matthew and me. Jealous fights, break-ups, make-ups, cheating
on our partners, never saying how we really feel, it’s a nightmare.
But unlike us, I think you and Ben actually have a chance. You guys
have something real. You always have and always will. Do not let
him go. You will be sorry.”

I am shocked and elated by
Michelle’s words of wisdom. She is right. If I love Ben, I cannot
lose him. I deserve to know what
this
was to him. I need to find out
the truth about what happened between him and Stephanie, and I need
to find out if he loves me the way I love him. Maybe it needed to
come down to this, and maybe everything needed to blow up in my
face for me to realize that I wholeheartedly love him. All I can
hope is that after everything, he loves me too.

When Stephanie’s rendition of “Vogue”
comes to a screeching halt, Michelle thrusts me through the
doorway. She gives me a final salute and slams the door on my face
leaving me all alone in the hot and humid air. So I run. I run as
fast as I can to Ben’s villa with sweat trickling from my brow and
welling up under my armpits. My hair flying through the wind and
tangling up as it flings from side to side. Once I get to his door,
I am out of breath and my heart is pounding out of my chest,
beating in my ears. I wait for my hand to knock on the door, but
suddenly I am not that brave Megan from a few seconds ago. I am the
weak and feeble Megan that wants to slowly tip toe away and forget
this ever happened. But I tell myself I cannot be that girl
anymore. I need to do this for my own sanity and a real chance at
happiness. I raise my shaky hand and make a tiny fist that gently
raps three little knocks. I hold my breath forgetting to breathe
air into my lungs. I hear the door unlock, only to reveal Matthew
half naked with a towel around his waist and sopping wet
hair.

“
Where’s Ben?” I ask as my
fingers tremble.

Matthew rubs the side of his face and
looks at me with pitiful eyes, “Oh Megan, I don’t know how to tell
you this...”

“
What?’ I shout feeling a
lump form in my throat.

“
Ben left this
morning.”

“
He what?” I say feeling my
jaw drop to the floor.

“
Yeah, he took off back to
Chicago.” Matthew sighs running his fingers tensely through his
hair.

“
Did he say anything?” I
finally muster as Eric appears behind Matthew.

“
He didn’t say much. He
just packed his things and told us he changed his flight to this
morning. He left about an hour ago.” Mathew shrugs and bites his
lower lip.

Eric gives me a silent look of
sympathy that only makes me feel a million times worse. Tears start
to well up in my eyes and my lips begin to quiver.

“
Why would he leave?” I
stammer.

Eric begins to answer, but nothing is
making sense. Everything is blurred and muffled as I look up at
both of them in a daze. I can feel my heart racing and my breathing
quicken. I try to speak, but I can’t, because I’m pretty sure my
heart has just exploded in my chest. I try to move my feet, but
they are like giant cinderblocks screwed to the floor. Eric is
waving his hand in front of my spaced out face, and when I look
into his green eyes framed by his long blonde lashes I cave into
his chest and let out heaving sobs of misery.

I have never in all my life, EVER
cried like this over a guy. Sure, I let out a few cries over Marco,
and sure there were a few tears that trickled for Donny. But have I
ever wept to the point of
silent-cries-that-choke-up-your-throat-and-even-make-the-most-beautiful-people-turn-ugly?
No. Not on your life, and I can’t believe that every one of these
shameful sobs are over Ben’s decision to leave.

I pull away from Eric, sucking back
the tears from continuing to fall down my cheeks. I am overcome
with emotion I don’t fully understand. I am angry with Ben for
leaving, but I am mostly mad at myself for letting it get to this
point. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought by being
closed off and guarded I was protecting myself, but really all I
did was push Ben to his breaking point.

In every relationship I have ever been
in, whether it was Marco, Will, or Donny, not one of them ever
stood a chance. I was my own worst enemy and never let anyone of
them get too close. In the end, they all ended things with me
because I just could not open up. Just like Ben. They had enough of
dealing with my insecurities. For some reason, I could never accept
that someone, especially someone like Ben would ever love me. But
by him choosing to leave without saying goodbye - enough said. I
have done it again. I have pushed him away and I have lost him
forever.

“
Are you going to be okay?”
Eric asks, bringing me back to reality.

“
I’m fine.” I say, and wipe
away the last remaining tears from my cheeks.

I watch them share a concerned glance,
when Eric sighs, “We’ll see you later then?”

I nod and walk away with hunched
shoulders and burning red eyes. There is nothing I can do, and this
time, I know none of this is a game to Ben. It is really
over.

Chapter 20

The next day, I sit alone and secluded
at the lobby bar patiently waiting for the shuttle to arrive. I
twiddle my thumbs and watch a soccer game blaring from the
flat-screen behind the bartender as I casually sip my pina colada.
Of course I still feel like a basket case after I spent yesterday
locked in our villa, hidden under the covers and ordering room
service. I watched Spanish re-runs of “Friends” and devoured a
greasy burger and fries, while everyone else enjoyed their last day
in paradise. So today, I thought I owed it to myself to bask in the
heat from the Costa Rican sun, instead of crying alone in the
bathroom and writing letters of apology to Jessica and
Michael.

“
Want another?” the
bartender asks as he wipes down the countertop.

“
Might as well.” I sigh and
slurp the remaining slush, before I slide my empty glass over to
him.

“
Why so down Sinorita?” the
bartender nods with narrowed eyes, “You’re too beautiful for a
frown.”

“
Thanks” I mutter as he
slides me a new drink. I really don’t want to sound unpleasant, but
I know I do.

“
I made it a double. I hope
that’s okay.” He says and gives me a wink.

“
That’s great actually.” I
say with a half smile.

The bartender jerks his head to the
side when a bunch of footsteps echo behind us and trek up the
stairs and into the lobby. I turn around and follow his gaze,
silently watching from a distance as Jessica, Michael and their
hundred or so guests check out at the front desk. They are forced
to make their way past me, but ignore me as if I am invisible. I
decide I can handle Jessica and Michael’s blatant disregard. But
even her pleasant Aunt Florence has provided me with the coldest of
shoulders. Then when Michael’s prude and snobbish mother quickly
slides into the bar stool a few seats away from mine. I look over
and give her a polite smile. I am grasping for any type of human
acknowledgement, hoping she will return a grin, but no such
luck.

I become tense and infuriated, turning
my back to her and grumble that this is useless. No one would ever
disobey Jessica by speaking to me. Who am I kidding? I loathe in
some self-pity and start to feel like the once awkward and dorky
Megan who was isolated during her elementary school days, until
Jessica chose to befriend me. I swear the only reason she even gave
me the time of day was because she figured if we were friends, I
would let her copy all my answers on our tests, which somehow I was
suckered into doing on more than one occasion.

Now here we both are, all these years
acting like complete strangers over something that could have
easily been avoided had I been honest with everyone, including
myself, right from the beginning. I should have told Jessica what
happened between Ben and me. She would have known what to do. She
would have never let me become another one of Ben’s fleet of booty
calls. I wish I could just cry into her shoulder and have her tell
me everything is going to be okay, but unfortunately, none of that
is the case. The truth is I am not even brave enough to approach
her.

Out of the corner of my eye, I watch
Jessica kissing her family goodbye and Michael hugging his father
farewell as they all board an idling shuttle headed to the airport.
I am relieved though, when I see Matthew, Eric, Stephanie, and
Michelle all stagger into the lobby together, chatting and
laughing. Yesterday must have been quite a smash, because everyone
except for me is in a great mood. Even Steven, all black and blue,
lets out a hearty laugh from a joke his cousin Charlie makes. For
heaven’s sake, he was sucker punched and humiliated and is still
happier than I am right now.

I tell myself to try and look happy. I
stupidly smile at the bartender, but he takes that as an
opportunity to ask me if I need anything else. I shake my head and
look down at my drink to twirl my straw in its slushy juices. I dig
through my purse and pretend to look for something to occupy my
time, until I feel someone hovering over my shoulder. I lift my
eyes up and see Steven leaning against the bar. I wince at his eye,
which looks even worse up close all red, boiled and swollen. I take
a large gulp and feel like a fool, wishing I could just run
away.

“
Hi Megan” he says and sits
on the stool beside me. Great, I am trapped.

“
I’m so sorry.” I blurt out
cutting right to the chase, but nervously force my eyes down, “I
never thought-“

“
No you didn’t think.”
Steven says cutting me off with a chuckle, “Look, I really liked
you, I just wish you would have been honest with me.”

“
You’re right, you deserved
the truth” I sigh and fiddle with the fringe of my shorts, “I’m
really sorry I wasn’t.”

“
Well if you were, I could
have avoided a black eye.” Steven sternly says.

A really awkward silence fills the
space between us and it makes me shudder. He gets up from the stool
and walks back to his family herded on the opposite side of the
lobby. When he if half-way there, he stops, turns around and says,
“Whatever happens, I hope it works out for you.”

I feel guilty that I used Steven to
get at Ben, but I honestly did like him, and had things been
different, we could have actually had something. It was more than
selfish to treat him how I did, and so unlike me, that it is
embarrassing. I watch Steven walk away with his hands forced
rigidly in his pockets, and I know he will make one girl very lucky
some day. Unfortunately, that girl won’t be me.