Between Black and Sunshine (2 page)

I pace the floor of my room and mutter obscenities into the air. My head is spinning and my body is buzzing and I know I’m losing control. Just the thought of her coming here is bringing back all the anxiety at the loss of control I experienced during my last year in Iowa when my mind seemed to take a step into crazy town, one piece at a time, until it became where I lived permanently.

Tonight Jude told me she got into Portland University. Tonight, she told me she’s leaving Iowa and coming – to me. I want her here; I miss her so damn bad. The nightly conversations we have aren't effective. They’re not enough to make me feel as close to her as I need to be. They’re more than enough to let me know that it will always, and only, be Jude.

But I know there is only one way things can end with us and I know the only way to prevent that ending is to stay away from her. But that is no longer an option.

“Damn it,” I growl, slamming my hand into the metal tool chest.

“What are you flipping out about in here, man?” My roommate, Rake, says, pushing a hand into my arm to get my attention.

“Jude,” I manage to mutter.

“What about her?”

“
Shit
… she’s coming – here. To live here. To go to school here.” Saying it out loud makes my blood pressure rise. She’s going to be here. On her own with no one to watch out for her but me.

“Is that a bad thing?”

I stop my pacing and pierce him with my eyes. “Yes, Rake. It’s a bad fucking thing.”

He shakes his head at me. “I don’t get you, man. How can the girl you’re in love with, coming to the same city as you, be a bad thing?”

I just stare at him. I shouldn’t have to explain this to him. I’ve been living with him since the day I showed up in this city.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he says, with a smile. “If you think I’ve got your goofy ass figured out, trust me, I don’t. This is the girl you’ve been obsessed with since the minute you came here. She’s the reason why you were such a shit show for the first six months after you showed up here, right? Because you couldn’t stand being away from her.”

“Exactly,” I tell him. “It’s taken me two years to build some kind of life where I can function without her. I still think about her every minute of every day. How the hell am I gonna stay away from her once she’s in the same city as me?”

“I never understood what the hell this girl did to mess you up so bad. What’d she do that broke your heart like that?”

“She didn’t break my heart,” I growl at him out of frustration. “She’s never been anything but completely devoted to me. I mean, hell, when I left her I never thought that she’d do exactly what she said she was gonna do and hold onto me. I figured after a while she would start living her life and forget about me.”

“Hold up. I thought you were in love with this girl? What am I missing here?”

I run my hands through my hair and have a strong urge to just yank it the hell out of my scalp. “Forget it, man. It doesn’t matter.”

“Oh, hell no. I’ve seen what that girl can do to you. You think I don’t realize that every time you get into one of your psychotic crazy ass moods that it’s because of her? Because of something she said to you or something you saw on that Facebook page you’re always looking at? The way you react around women who get too handsy with you isn’t normal either. And if you think I’m ever gonna forget that scary, shutdown, asshole that I had to live with when you first came here, you’re wrong. So if I’m about to be living with Zombie, Crazy or Irrational Luca once she shows up, I need some fair warning. Let’s get this shit straightened out.”

“It’s not gonna be good – I can tell you that.”

“Why? You love the girl, she loves you, she’s moving here to be with you. Why is that bad?”

“I can’t be with her, Rake. You’ve seen how I get. You know what an asshole I am… the violent shit I’m capable of. And you’re right… when I get angry or I shut down or start using or drinking too much, it’s because of something she said or something I saw or a memory of us or Jonah that I can’t extract from my brain. I can’t even think about us, about who we were, about Jonah, without losing it. The phone calls are almost more than I can handle…”

“So, what? You’re afraid you’re gonna hurt her?”

“Yeah. Always. But mostly it’s the loss of control. She was in her corner of the world where I couldn’t touch her. It didn’t matter what I thought or did because none of that affected her. She was in her box where I couldn’t hurt her. It hurts like hell being away from her. But it was such a monumental relief knowing that I wasn’t going to fuck her life up, that she was free to move on, find her life, fall in love with someone else. Once she comes here I don’t know how anything besides the two of us falling right back into who we were is gonna be an option.”

“Shit, Luca. That’s some weighty crap. Seems like you’re stressing way too much over the whole situation. Ninety nine percent of the time you’re a good guy – one of the best guys I’ve ever known. I mean, hell, if I had to present someone with the best buddy title it would definitely be you. And I’ve never seen anyone so in love with and committed to another person as you are to that girl.
The girl you haven’t even seen for years
. That’s gotta be enough to keep you in the good guy zone, right? I mean, I can’t see Asshole Luca going anywhere near the girl that you’re so in love with.”

“That’s the thing, Rake. I don’t have control over Asshole Luca. I can’t tell that motherfucker what to do. No one’s safe from him, not even Jude.”

He lets out a long breath. “I got your back, man. If I see you heading down the wrong road, I’ll reign you in. I mean, seems like you gotta give it a shot with her. What’s the worst that could happen?”

The images come back to me sharp and clear: Arnie, in a heap on the kitchen floor; Jude’s terrified eyes after the first two times I went into a blind rage; the litany of punches I’ve thrown since the first time I beat another human being; Jonah begging me to protect her right up until the night he died. All I can do is shake my head.

“Come on man, it can’t be that bad. You might even be good for each other.”

“No,” I tell him adamantly. “She’s so much better without me.” Callie’s Facebook pictures are proof of that.

“I gotta say, I don’t know the girl but if what you’re saying is true, I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t agree with you. If she’s been holding onto you for this long and is coming back to you first chance she gets…
after you left her
… maybe she doesn’t think she’s better off without you.”

“I never said she agreed with me.”

He shakes his head at me. “I don’t know what to tell you, brother. She’s a grown woman who’s allowed to make her own decisions and looks like she’s decided to be with you.  If that’s not what you want, I guess you gotta find a way to tell her that.”

“I have told her that. She doesn’t listen to me.”

“Well hell, Luca. If you feel this strong about staying away from her than you just have to find a way to keep doing that.”

I close my eyes, the pain of having to let go of her
again
is becoming very real. How the hell am I gonna do that? Break her heart all over again?

“Let me know if I can do anything,” Rake says, slapping me on the back before walking out of the room.

His pep talk wasn’t helpful. All it did was remind me of how messed up this all is. We should be able to be together. I should be able to give myself to her and find a way to make her happy. But I can’t start letting myself believe that’s an option. Because it’s not and it never will be.

I slump down at my desk and boot up my laptop hoping the proof will give me the pep talk Rake wasn’t able to deliver.

Her Facebook page is permanently open on my desktop. She never posts anything but Callie posts pictures of her regularly. I obsess over her Facebook page because it’s all proof that, despite what she tells me on the phone about her life, she’s happy. She has friends. She’s social. She’s better. Without me, she’s better.

The progression is obvious starting from the pictures of her from when I was still there with her. She’s with Callie and the other girls, but she’s not really there. You can see it in her eyes.

And then there are the months after I left where Jude ducks and shields her face from Callie’s camera, like she’s trying to disappear like she always did when Jonah was alive.

Slowly but surely though, you can see her come back to life. As the months pass she’s with Callie more and more. Her smiles become more frequent and larger. She wraps her arms around other girls. Sometimes there are even guys with their arms around her which is something she wouldn’t have let happen while I was there. It’s taken me a while to see those pictures as a positive thing, but if I want Jude to move on, I know I can’t expect her to never fall in love again.

The day Callie posted a picture of Jude standing next to one of her drawings with a gold ribbon attached to it – the same gold ribbon that was partially responsible for getting me into this college, I felt so much pride and relief. For the first time since I had left I was absolutely sure I had made the right decision. Jonah would have been proud of her.

And then, that summer, there were pictures of Jude
in a bikini
at Callie’s cabin. Which was spectacular for at least three reasons. Jude was becoming comfortable acknowledging that she had a body with someone other than me. She had left her house and her mom for more than a few hours which was something she was never willing to do. And I had a picture of her that reminded me so much of the weekend we spent at that lake where I kissed her properly for the first time. Before I saw that picture I had almost forgotten how amazing her body is. My shitty memory couldn’t do it justice. But now I had a picture. I saved that picture to my desktop, zooming in on her face, on her body, taking in every beautiful pixel of her. 

Which, in light of the news I just got, is probably a terrible thing. I’ve been letting myself keep part of her. I’ve never let go of the memories of us. I’ve locked down the love she made me feel in a chamber in my heart where it will always exist. She’s my fairytale that I know will never be a reality, but that gets me through my days.

She was never supposed to be here.

I scroll backwards through the photos until I find the only one Callie has posted of Jude when she still had Jonah. It’s probably the only photo Callie has of her from the first eight years of their friendship.
Confirmation day
.

Her hair was blonde, the color she’d been born with. It hung down past her waist in two long braids. She’s young and isn’t wearing makeup; just her beautiful porcelain skin; her unnaturally, natural, red, fat lips; her kaleidoscope eyes.

Pure. Innocent. Happy
.

I was in love with that girl, same as I am with girl I have now. I don’t remember a day in my life when I haven’t loved her. What are the chances that I’ll ever stop loving her, at least enough move on from her and let her move on from me? I’m thinking zero. There is no chance that I will ever stop loving her.

I’m totally fucked.

I take one last long look at the picture reminding myself that the purpose is not to remember how long I’ve loved her but to remember who she was before I infected her life: pure, innocent, full of sunshine. The girl who had a brother in her life who knew how to make her happy and was able to keep her safe.
Jude before me
.

I close down the computer and look at the note I have tacked to my wall. It’s one of many that Jude would slip into my locker as a way to try and make me remember that what we had the summer we ran away was good. That I was good for her.

Remember that day when we snuck into that boat? We raided the cupboards and ate all that fancy food and drank champagne. That night we slept with the waves below us and the stars above us. I’ve never slept as well as I did the night those waves lulled us to sleep. I woke up in your arms and I looked at your face and I was happy. I didn’t think it was possible to be happy without him. But I was. I had never been happier. I want to be that happy again.

I keep the letters because it’s proof that Jude doesn’t see reality. She thinks our life together that summer was a fairytale and at times, like that night on the boat, it was.

But she forgets. She forgets that the reason she slept so well wasn’t because of the waves, but because it was the first night in weeks that we had someplace to sleep besides the truck. She forgets that we gorged on that food because we hadn’t eaten in days. She doesn’t think about the fact that it was only weeks later that she overdosed and almost died.

She had been in my hands for less than three months and she almost died.

I can’t. I definitely can’t start believing that I’ll ever be anything other than bad for her.

I have three months to get the girl out of my mind and pull my shit together. I have to find a way to be there for her without wanting her. I need to focus. I need to remember who she was. I need to remember who Jonah would want her to be. I need to remember exactly who I am.

Pure, innocent Jude. The girl that was full of sunshine. Jude before me.

“This is going to be so much fun!” Callie squeals as she drags me into the department store.

“Yay!” I squeal back, genuinely trying to sound excited.

Callie laughs and rolls her eyes at me. “Are you trying to make over your personality too?” she jokes. But the truth is that
yes
, I’m trying to make over every part of me. I haven’t admitted this to her yet.

After I told Luca I was coming to Portland and it went exactly how I thought it would – not well at all - I realized something. He needs to see the old me; the girl I was before us. So I made a list titled,
How to be the Girl Luca Can Accept.

Look like the old Jude – Blonde. Fresh. Clean. Moderate clothes.

Act like the old Jude – Naïve. Quiet. Obedient. Pleasant. Conservative.

Be innocent like the old Jude – No drugs or alcohol. No piercings, no more tattoos.

Dedicated like the old Jude – To my art, my family (?), church (??) and school.

Utilize my boobs – He loves them and I need to take advantage of this fact, which may conflict with innocent and church goer - boobs take priority.

I look at my list often; adding, amending, questioning.
Doubting.
When I picture the girl on my list I don’t picture someone who belongs with Luca. I don’t picture myself. But if this is what Luca needs in order to accept me as his, then I’ll become her.

I’ve been trying hard to become her. I haven’t been out with my non-Callie friends because that would shoot ninety percent of the list to hell. I haven’t touched any sort of illegal substance. I’ve taken out my nose, eyebrow and tongue rings. These are the easy things.

For everything else, I need Callie. And thank God she got accepted to Berkley so her endless list of extracurricular activities has come to a halt, or at least a slow crawl, allowing her to be here for me.

Callie practically runs over to the junior’s department and immediately begins pulling things off the rack that make me cringe. This is why I need her. I would never voluntarily pluck a pink cardigan off the shelf.

“What do you think about this one?” she asks, holding up a light blue sundress.

“I can’t remember the last time I wore a dress.”

“I hate to break it to you babe, but if you’re going for sweet and innocent a few dresses might be necessary. The neckline might be too low on this one though.” She moves to hang it back up but I grab it out of her hand.

“Boobs, Callie. I’m a sweet, innocent girl who doesn’t mind showing off some cleavage.”

“Right,” she laughs. “I almost forgot you have them. I bet they’re going to be so happy to be set free from those baggy black clothes.”

“God,” I mutter. Even when I was actually forced to wear dresses and pastels my chest was always covered up. Exposing my chest is something I’ve never done.

“Relax, Jude. It’s going to be scary at first for them, but they’ll be fine.”

“Can we please stop talking about my boobs like they’re people?” I mutter while defensively pulling a long-sleeved shirt with a turtle neck off a rack.

“You brought it up. Come on, let’s start with this. I can’t wait anymore to see you in this stuff.”

As we walk to the dressing room I’m internally chanting the word
Luca
as a reminder of why I’m torturing myself.

As I strip down in the dressing room I can feel a panic attack coming on as I stare at the pile of pretty clothes. I’m not unaware of why I have such a visceral response to the fabric. It’s because those clothes represent the weak girl who needed her brother’s protection. The girl who had no voice and depended on her brother for everything. Putting those clothes on will make me the girl who needs people in her life. The girl who is weak and needs help.

But I’m not that girl anymore, I remind myself. I’m strong and independent. The only thing I’m scared of now is losing Luca and if I have to wear a damn costume in order for him to see how strong and independent I am, I will do that.

I open the dressing room door and stand before Callie in the blue dress.

“Holy shit,” she says, bringing her hands to her mouth. “I mean, wow, Jude. I’ve never understood why you hide that body.”

I feel my eyes bulging at her. She knows why I hide my body.

“Sorry, that was stupid. But damn, you should be proud. I would be walking around naked if I had all that going on.”

“Okay, this is weird,” I say, retreating back into the dressing room.

“You’re buying it though, right?”

I don’t respond.

“Put that pink sweater set on. Oh my god,
so innocent yet so sexy,
” she says in a ridiculous voice. “I need to see it.”

I put my black clothes back on and gather the rest of the clothes. I’ll buy them and try them on in the privacy of my bedroom.

By the time we climb back into Callie’s Volvo I’m exhausted and my wallet has taken a serious hit. Clothes, shoes, bags, underwear, makeup…
Jesus
. That place was like a black hole. Mentally, I’m ready to give up. The sound of Luca’s name running through my head is becoming more of an angry yell instead of a hopeful chant. But I can’t give up.

I hit one of the pre-set buttons on Callie’s radio, changing the independent college station that she puts on when I’m in her car because she knows how much I hate her pop music. A happy, chirpy, simple, catchy song plays and I sit back and force myself to smile. Callie just looks at me suspiciously.

“So what do you do when you’re with your other friends?” I ask her, mindful not to inflect the word
other
with disgust like I usually would. Callie has two sets of friends: our friends who have all, in the last two years, morphed into various version of the rebel girl I became the summer after I lost Jonah; and her friends who she picks up through all of her activities.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. Where do you guys go, what do you talk about?”

“That’s a weird question.”

I roll my eyes. “You were hanging out with Kelsey and Amanda last night, right?”

“Yeah.”

“What did you guys do?”

“We made Sundays and watched
Gossip Girl
on Netflix.”

“Sundays? Seriously?”

“Yes, Jude. We ate ice cream. Kill me.”

“Is that show any good?”

She smiles before she can stop herself. “Why are you asking? So you can make fun of my shallow obsession with T.V.?”

“I don’t think watching television is shallow.”

“B.S. When’s the last time you watched TV?”

“That would require hanging out in the living room. You know I don’t do that.”

“Whatever. You’re not fooling me. I know how you really feel, Jude. You and your books and music are so much better than the rest of us who obsess over social media and pop culture.”

“God, I’m really a judgmental bitch aren’t I?”

“Totally,” she says with a laugh, letting me know she doesn’t really mean it.

When we get back to my house, Callie makes me try out my new look. This time I don’t complain. If I’m going to pull this off with Luca I have to at least be comfortable as this other girl around Callie.

I wash off my black make up and apply the pink blush, lip-gloss and a light coating of mascara. I brush out my messy, black hair and tie it up into a high pony tail. Callie picks out a pair of light yellow shorts and a white tank top and cardigan for me to wear. I slip on my new white sandals that have a wedge heels before standing back and looking at myself.

I laugh, not because I look funny, but because it’s just so weird. It feels exactly like Halloween; like I’m just dressing up in a costume. But underneath, I’m all me. “OMG, Callie, did you see what happened last night on
Gossip Girl
? Jeeze, Amy is such a bitch, she’s like totally trying to take Drake away from Missy,” I say with my hands on my hips.

“Ha. Ha. Super funny,” she says with a smile. “There is no Amy, Drake or Missy on that show.”

“But someone’s trying to steal someone else’s boyfriend, right?”

She shrugs her shoulders. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“Totally,” I tell her, pulling the cardigan off, followed by the tank top.

“Why are you changing?”

“Arnie’s going to be home in twenty minutes.”

“God, I am so happy you’re getting the hell out of here. You’re going to be so happy, Jude. Goodbye Asshole Arnie and hello Lover Boy Luca.”

I can’t help but smile at that thought as I shove the new clothes back in the bag and stash it at the back of my closet. “Even if things don’t work out with Luca it will be worth it just to get out of here.” I sit down at my vanity to reapply my makeup and reinsert all of my face metal.

“Things are going to work out with Luca. He loves you. You love him. How could they not work out?”

I laugh out loud at that. “Have you not been paying attention to the last two years of my life? He left me, Callie. He went to Portland to get away from me. He doesn’t want me there.”

“Well yeah, but only because he’s messed up in the head and thinks Jonah wouldn’t approve of him ravaging your sexy body.”

Callie thinks this is why Luca rejects me and I don’t correct her because the real reason is a web of confusing lines that I can’t even untangle. I’m not even sure Jonah’s opinion of Luca potentially ravaging my body is one of those strings. I can’t imagine being with anyone but Luca and I feel like Jonah would feel the same way. I don’t remember life before Luca. He’s always been there and I don’t think Jonah would want me living a life without him.

“God, I lived for the two of you sophomore year. Every girl in our school was obsessed with him. With the way he would watch you. He was like this sad little kid looking through the window at candy that he would never get to have. Except he looked like a freaking hottie in all of his bad boy glory.”

“I’m glad it was great for all of you, but it sucked for me. It still sucks for me. I mean how fucked up are we? I talk to him every night. I tell him everything I think and feel. We’re about as close as two people can get. He tells me he loves me, that I’m the only one he will ever love, and yet, he won’t let me near him.”

“You’re about to change all that. Once you’re with him he won’t be able to keep you at arm’s length. You guys have loved each other your whole lives. You totally belong together.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do if this doesn’t work out.”

“It will. But Jude, there are other guys out there. He’s not the only one, you know.”

I force myself to smile at her even though she’s wrong. He’s the only one. He’s the only one I’ve ever seen.