Betty in the Sky with a Suitcase: Hilarious Stories of Air Travel by the World's Favorite Flight Attendant (15 page)

Fact

This is your captain speaking: Don’t have a cow, man!

A. Frank Steward tells of the time that Nancy Cartwright, who does the voice of Bart Simpson, was onboard a flight he was on. She was invited to the cockpit to make all of the captain’s announcements, which put the entire plane into hysterics.

A pilot:

“When I was the second officer on a long flight, I came on the PA system every so often in order to point out interesting views and mention interesting facts. I pointed out mountain ranges and lakes; I pointed out things on the right of the plane and features on the left of the plane; I told them what the weather was like where we were going and what time we would be arriving. After we landed, I was standing in the doorway saying good-bye and everyone was thanking me for a nice flight. Then two little old ladies toddled up to me. One blue-haired lady said, ‘Oh, I appreciated your tour guide information so much! I just loved hearing about all the things we were seeing! Thank you for keeping us so well informed!’ I was flattered and told her, ‘You’re very welcome!’ But then her blue-haired companion tottered up and said, ‘As for me, I just wished you would
shut up
!’”

A flight attendant:

“When gas prices went so high that it sent the price of flying spiraling upwards, suddenly fewer and fewer people were flying. On one flight where there were a lot of empty seats, the pilot got on the P.A. and said, ‘Ladies and gentleman, as we prepare to taxi down the runway, I’d like to request that if there’s an unoccupied window seat next to you, please move over to that seat so that the other airlines think we’re full as we go by.’”

Pilot Sayings

* Always try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

* There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

* You know you've landed with your wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

* The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, the runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

* The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane that’s used to keep the pilot cool. If the propeller stops, the pilot starts sweating.

* Truly superior pilots are those who use their superior judgment to avoid those situations where they might have to use their superior skills.

A pilot:

“A pilot in training saw a bright blinking light in the night sky in front of her as she flew, and she thought it was air traffic heading for her. She kept asking for clearance to fly higher and higher to avoid it. When her instructor asked her why she kept moving higher, she pointed at the light and said she needed to fly above it. He looked at it and said, ‘Do you really think you can fly higher than
Venus
?!’”

A pilot:

“For years the mandatory retirement age for pilots was 60—no exceptions made. One pilot I know of never mentioned this to his wife because he had a girlfriend in another city. When he reached the age of 60, he retired without ever telling her, while he kept making trips across the country to see his sweetie. When he got home, he’d tell his wife all about the piloting he’d done. Well, this scheme worked for him right up until the day his wife went out to coffee with some other pilots’ wives. One of them asked her, ‘So, how’s your husband enjoying retirement?’ She said that he wasn’t retired. ‘But didn’t he turn 60?’ ‘Yes, but he didn’t retire, he’s still flying!’ They all turned to her and told her the mandatory retirement age was 60—no exceptions. Well, that was the end of
that
wife! I don’t know about the girlfriend.’”

A pilot:

“A friend of mine was a pilot with twelve years of experience, but he flew one day with another pilot who seemed to feel my friend needed a lot of coaching. Whatever he was doing, it wasn’t quite right, and the other guy was constantly giving him advice which he didn’t need or appreciate: ‘I think you should slow down a little more’; ‘You should lower your flaps now’; ‘You should begin your descent here.’ After a little bit of this, when it became obvious that it wasn’t going to stop, my friend pulled out a little notebook and a pen and started taking notes every time some unneeded advice was offered. So when his co-pilot said, ‘I think you should slow down,’ he’d pull out the notebook, jot a note, and put the notebook back in his pocket. ‘You should lower your flaps’ and he’d whip out the notebook and write something down. ‘You should begin your descent here’ and out would come the notebook. Finally, he got up to use the bathroom but he left the notebook lying on his seat. The other guy was curious to know what he’d been writing down, so he picked it up and looked through it. All that it said was, ‘Screw you. Screw you. Screw you’ all over the paper. So he put the notebook back where he found it, and didn’t say another word for the entire day.”

A passenger:

“Due to a mechanical problem, followed by a weather delay, followed by a traffic jam on the tarmac, our flight was four hours late in leaving. When we finally arrived at our destination, tired and grumpy, the captain made this announcement as we taxied towards the terminal: ‘On behalf of this airline and the entire crew, we want to thank you for flying with us today. We realize that you have a choice in selecting your air carrier, and we hope next time you think of an on-time departure you’ll choose us
anyway
.’ All the tension in the cabin evaporated, and the passengers were smiling as they deplaned.”

A pilot:

“When I was a young pilot, we had a full flight and were flying from Atlanta to New York when we encountered several huge ugly thunderstorms. We were given clearance to fly through the middle of a couple of the biggest thunderclouds. When we were right in between them, the plane was hit by a huge bolt of lightning. It made a big bang—an ear-splitting explosion—but it didn’t harm the plane in the least. I made a PA announcement telling the passengers what had happened; and then we continued our flight. When everything had calmed down, the co-pilot asked me if I had heard the blood-curdling scream that followed the lightning strike. I had been so focused on my duties that I hadn’t heard it, but the co-pilot heard it and he wondered which of the passengers had screamed that loudly. When we landed, one of the first class passengers lagged behind. It turned out he was a million-mile passenger, and he asked to have a word with me after everyone had exited the plane. He congratulated me on how the incident had been handled and remarked on how calm everyone had stayed—with the exception of that one huge horrendous scream. ‘Yes,’ I replied, ‘my co-pilot heard that scream and wondered if it unnerved the other passengers.’ The man said, ‘Well it did indeed unnerve the other passengers, but not because of the scream as much as the person who was doing the screaming.’ I asked him who it was and he replied, ‘Your lead flight attendant.’”

Fact

Almost every single day, an airplane somewhere is hit by lightning while flying. The last time a plane crashed because of lightning was in 1963. Today, all planes have ‘static wicks’ along the rear edges of wings. These metal wicks collect electrical energy – not only lightning but also static charges – and dissipate them harmlessly in the air behind the plane. Even when lightning strikes the fuselage, the passengers are insulated from any contact with the electrical charge.

Fact

Famous Bail Outs

• In 1959, a military pilot name Col. Rankin bailed out of his single engine plane when the engine failed at 46,000 feet (14,020 m). A storm was in progress over the Carolina coast at the time, and he went right through the middle of it. It would normally take a man 13 minutes to fall 46,000 feet, but Col. Rankin got caught in the updrafts and came to earth 45 minutes later. Fortunately, his parachute opened at 10,000 feet (3,048 m) and he landed intact. A passing motorist took him to the hospital, where he was found to be suffering from frostbite and shock.

• In 1955, Pilot George Smith ejected from his disabled plane. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that George was in a F100A Super Sabre jet fighter flying at 777 mph (1,250 km/hr) at 35,000 feet (10,668 m). Thus, he became the first person ever to bail out while traveling faster than the speed of sound. His clothing was torn to pieces, and his socks, helmet, and oxygen mask ripped off. He experienced a deceleration force of 40 G's, meaning that he weighed an equivalent of 40 times his weight. He was unconscious when he landed in the ocean off the coast of California. By some miracle, he landed right next to a boat and they rescued him. He was in a coma for a week and spent the next six months in the hospital.

• In 1942 Lt. I. M. Chisov of Russia had to bail out of his damaged plane without a parachute. He fell 21,980 feet (6,699 m), landed on a steep, snow-covered mountainside, and slid to the bottom. His pelvis was broken and his spine injured, but he survived and recovered.

• During World War I, Captain J. H. Hedley was in a plane over Germany when the aircraft took a hit. Hedley was sucked out of the plane at 10,000 feet (3,048 m). The pilot of the plane took evasive action by plummeting in a vertical dive. When the plane pulled out of the dive, Hedley landed unhurt on the tail. He hung on till the plane was brought safely to a landing.

Random Factoids

•  The speed of sound (Mach 1) was first exceeded in 1947 when Chuck Yeager flew at 697 mph (1,122 km/hr).

•  Most airplanes today fly between Mach .80 and Mach .86, which is about 560 mph (901 km/hr).

•  The Concorde supersonic plane flew at twice the speed of sound, about 1,336 mph (2,150 km/hr).

Fact

The flying Smiths

Some years back, a plane was preparing for takeoff at LaGuardia field. The captain was Clifford Smith; the First Officer was Harry Smith; the Second Officer was Ben Smith; the purser was Julie Smith; and the stewardess was Priscilla Smith.

Memorable Milestones in Aviation History/Herstory

1910
: Baroness Raymonde de Laroche of France became the first licensed female pilot. Upon receiving her license, she said, “Flying is the best possible thing for women.”

1921
: Bessie Coleman became the first American black female pilot. She had to go to France to learn how to fly because Americans would not instruct a black woman. “I refused to take no for an answer,” she said. Later she started a flying school. “I decided blacks should not have to experience the difficulties I had faced, so I decided to open a flying school and teach other black women to fly.”

1930
: Ellen Church became the first female flight attendant, convincing Boeing that having women aboard was the perfect thing to calm nervous male passengers. Previously, the co-pilot or ‘cabin boys’ were responsible for serving passengers.

1951
: Carlene Roberts was elected vice president of American Airlines, Inc., becoming the first woman to hold such a high-ranking office in the airline industry.

1953
: Jacqueline Cochrane became the first woman to fly faster than the speed of sound. She piloted an F-86 Sabrejet over California at an average speed of 652.337 mph (1,049 km/hr).

1958
: Ruth Carol Taylor became the first black woman to become a flight attendant, making her initial flight on Mohawk Airlines from Ithaca, NY to New York City.

1973
: Bonnie Tiburzi became the first female pilot hired by a major carrier when she went to work for American Airlines. She later said, “In the early days, they said I was trying to make a statement, but I was trying to make a living.”

1986
: The first all-female flight occurred when Captain Beverly Bass, co-pilot Terry Claridge, and flight engineer Tracy Prior embarked on an American flight from Washington, D.C., to Dallas/Fort Worth, TX. Each wore a red rose in her lapel to signify the first flight in aviation history to have an all-female crew.

Speaking of women pilots

“Flying is a man's job and its worries are a man's worries.”
—Antoine de Saint-Exupery

 “Women will never be as successful in aviation as men. They have not the right kind of nerve.”
— Hilda Hewlet, the first English lady to fly solo.

“Women must try to do things as men have tried. When they fail, their failure must be but a challenge to others.”
—Amelia Earhart