Betty in the Sky with a Suitcase: Hilarious Stories of Air Travel by the World's Favorite Flight Attendant (11 page)

Problem? No Problem

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which lists problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.

Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.

Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: IFF (Identification Friend or Foe) inoperative.

Solution: IFF always inoperative in ‘off’ mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

Solution: That's what they're there for.

Problem: Engine #3 missing.

Solution: After brief search, Engine #3 found on right wing.

Problem: Aircraft handles funny.

Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious!

Problem: Target Radar hums.

Solution: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics.

Problem: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

Solution: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: DME [Distance Measuring Equipment] volume unbelievably loud.

Solution: DME volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Mouse in cockpit.

Solution: Cat installed.

Problem: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

Solution: Took hammer away from midget.

Random Factoids

•  The average jet has about 3 million parts, which are held together by about 3 million fasteners.

•  The weight of the paint required to cover a jet adds between 400 and 1,000 pounds (181-453 kg) to the weight of the aircraft, depending on the size.

•  Every commercial aircraft in the world loads passengers from the left side.

•  Air travel is the second safest mode of transportation. What’s the safest? The elevator/escalator.

•  A jet will get about 11 hours of maintenance for every hour it flies.

•  It’s recommended that you do not donate blood within 24 hours of flying.

Grumps, Grouses & Gripes

Say you have three flights in one work day. Each aircraft holds 270 people. That’s over 800 passengers to deal with in one day. Is it any wonder that we deal with the occasional grumpy, stupid, or crazy person? But you know what the really sad thing is? It’s the grumpy, stupid, and crazy folks that you remember!

So You Want to Be a Flight Attendant?

Here’s how to train for the job:

1.      Go to a resale store and find an old, navy blue suit that an army sergeant might have worn. Add a white shirt and a tie. Wear the same outfit for four consecutive days, every week, all year long. Smile.

2.      Go to an airport and watch airplanes take off for several hours. Pretend you are standing by for them and they are all full. Go home. Return to the airport the next day and do the same thing again. Smile.

3.      Fill several large boxes with rocks. Lift them over your head and place them on the top shelf of a closet. Slam the door shut until the boxes fit. Do this until you feel a disk slip in your back. Smile.

4.      Turn on a radio. Be sure to set it between stations so there is plenty of static. Turn on the vacuum cleaner and garbage disposal. Run them all night. Smile.

5.      Remove the covers from several TV entrees. Place them in a hot oven. Leave the food in the oven until it’s completely dried out. Remove the hot trays with your bare hands. Serve to your family. Don’t include anything for yourself. Eat peanuts. Smile.

6.      Serve your family something to drink one hour after you serve them their food. Make them remain in their seats during this time. Ask them to scream at you and complain about the service. Eat peanuts. Smile.

7.      Scrounge uneaten rolls off the plates for you to eat two hours later when you’re really hungry. Eat peanuts. Smile.

8.      Place a straight-backed chair in a closet next to a bathroom, facing a blank wall. Use a belt to strap yourself into it. Eat the stale rolls you saved from your family’s meal, preferably while someone is using the bathroom. Smile.

9.      Ask your family to use the bathroom as frequently as possible. Tell them to make splashing water a game and see who can leave the most disgusting mess. Clean the bathroom every hour throughout the night. Drink stale coffee in the closet next to the bathroom. Eat peanuts. Smile.

10.    Make a narrow aisle between several dining room chairs and randomly scatter your husband’s wingtips and loafers along the way. Turn off the lights and spend the night walking up and down the aisle while banging your shins against the chair legs and tripping over the shoes. Drink several cups of cold, stale coffee to keep yourself awake. Smile.

11.    Stay up all night, then wake your family in the morning and serve them a cold, hard sweet roll. Don’t forget to smile and wish them a nice day when they leave for work and school. Ask them to berate you. Eat peanuts. Smile.

12.    After the family leaves, take a suitcase and go out (preferably in winter) in the yard. If it’s not raining, turn on the sprinkling system and stand in the cold and the wet for 30 minutes, pretending you’re waiting for the crew bus to pick you up. Then go inside and wait by your bedroom door for another 30 minutes while an imaginary maid cleans and makes up your room. Smile.

13.    Change into street clothes and shop for five hours. Pick up carry-out food from a local deli. Go back home. Sit on your bed and eat your meal. Set your alarm for 3 A.M. so you’ll be ready for your wake-up call. (It’s now 12:30 A.M.) Eat peanuts. Smile.

14.    Repeat the above schedule after just three days off, every week for twelve months straight. Now you are ready to become a flight attendant!

A flight attendant:

“A friend of mine was an attendant on a flight that happened to be carrying a famous person in first class. This person asked my friend to please hang up his coat for him, and my friend replied, ‘Just a minute, please!’ He then asked him a second time, ‘Would you please hang up my coat for me?’ and my friend said, ‘In just a minute, please!’ At this point the famous person became very indignant and in a very huffy voice said
, ‘Do you know who I am?
’ The flight attendant immediately picked up the PA system and made an announcement to the passengers: ‘Ladies and gentlemen, does anyone know who this man is? He seems to have forgotten his name.’ That did the trick and the passenger didn’t say a thing for the rest of the flight.”

A passenger:

“My aunt, Velma Maul, was one of the first four stewardesses ever hired by American Airlines back in 1933. Years after her death we discovered a scrapbook she kept of her career with American, including a logbook of her first year of flight (now in the National Air and Space Museum). One of the things that most interested us was an entry where she described the time when Lawrence Tibbett, the famous opera singer, was a passenger on one of her flights. He summoned my aunt to his seat. ‘Stewardess!’ he said irately, ‘I can barely breathe from all the cigarette smoke in this cabin! Can’t something be done?’ ‘Oh, sir,’ answered my aunt, ‘I’m afraid we can’t tell the passengers not to
smoke
!’ It was a different world from today!”

A flight attendant:

“A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator, which she did. The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. She was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, ‘Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?’ Not one hand went up. So she took the crabs home and ate them herself.”

Betty:

“Because people seated in the exit row might be called upon to open the emergency exit, there are rules governing who gets to sit there. There are only three rules: first, you have to be over 15 years old. Second, you must speak English. Third, you cannot require a seat belt extension. This is because you have to be able to see the exit; you have to be able to verbally direct people to the exit; and you have to be physically capable of opening the exit. This last rule is the most awkward to enforce, because it’s really hard to tell people they have to move to a different seat because they’re too fat. But people like the exit row because there’s extra leg room so sometimes it’s hard to get people to move. One day a portly gentleman took his assigned seat in the exit row, and then he called me over and asked me in perfect English if I could give him a seat belt extension. I told him, ‘I’m sorry, but you can’t sit here if you need a seat belt extension. Let me find you a new seat.’ He gave me a blank look and then said,
‘No hablo inglés.
’ Well, that meant he violated two of the three rules of sitting in the exit row, because you can’t sit there if you don’t speak English, which I told him (in English) while he continued to pretend he didn’t understand what I was saying. When I persisted, he then pretended to be asleep. I collected some other flight attendants to back me up, including one who spoke Spanish, and with all of us working on him, we finally got him to move. So take a word from me, and if you’re thinking of trying this trick—it doesn’t work.”

A flight attendant:

“I had an overweight passenger in the exit row and I was insisting that he move to a different seat. He was angry about being asked to move and assured me he could open the emergency exit with one arm tied behind his back. Then I told him, ‘That’s fine, but you have to be able to fit through the window, too!’ He finally moved.”

A pilot:

“On a packed flight from Fort Lauderdale to La Guardia, we were carrying a full load of New Yorkers. New Yorkers are famous for being cranky and demanding, and they want everything we have to offer. This was back in the day when we handed out souvenir decks of playing cards. We had arrived in New York and I was standing alongside the flight attendants saying good-bye to the passengers when one lady came up the aisle and apologetically handed the lead flight attendant a full air sickness bag as she disembarked. The flight attendant held onto the barf bag with one hand while continuing to tell the other passengers good-bye. Then along came another lady who grabbed the bag out of her hand and said sternly, ‘I didn’t get one of those!’ I made a move to stop her but the flight attendant put her arm across my chest and shot me a look that said, ‘
Don’t you dare
!’ That lady exited the plane looking very self-satisfied that she managed to get the last of something…even though she didn’t know what it was!”

Fact

Ticket to Hell

Early in 2002 Malaysian businessmen did a brisk business selling tickets for flights on the fictitious Hell Airlines. Chinese mourners couldn't buy them fast enough. During the Qing Ming festival, which is a Chinese version of Memorial Day, offerings are burnt to appease deceased relatives. The plane ticket, along with its fake passport, credit card, and checkbook, were purchased by Chinese customers as gifts for their dead loved ones, and delivered by burning.