Betty in the Sky with a Suitcase: Hilarious Stories of Air Travel by the World's Favorite Flight Attendant (8 page)

A flight attendant:

“A flight attendant friend of mine drove to the airport on a very hot day. Because his car didn’t have air conditioning, he was wearing shorts, a T-shirt, and flip-flops. When he got to the airport, he went into a bathroom to change into his uniform. Suddenly he realized he had forgotten his uniform shoes. He had his suit, his tie, his hat—and no shoes. He had nothing to wear but his flip-flops. He started cursing a blue streak and then stepped out of the stall to discover that a priest was occupying the next stall over. He apologized for his language, and then explained the problem. The priest said, ‘I think I might be able to help you!’ He pulled out a pair of little black booties that priests wear at the altar. He put these slippers on and you really couldn’t tell that he wasn’t wearing regulation shoes. The priest happened to be on his flight, and he was so grateful that he kept plying the priest with free drinks. By the time they arrived in Boston, the priest was so drunk they wheeled him off the flight in a wheelchair. Ever since then, that flight attendant has taken those black booties with him around the world, and he sends the priest a constant stream of photos of the places those booties have been: Here’s your booties at the Taj Mahal…Here’s your booties at the Eiffel Tower…Here’s your booties at the Parthenon…And the priest really appreciates this.”

Betty:

“A flight attendant I worked with had long hair, and one morning at the hotel she didn’t appear at the appointed hour to catch the shuttle back to the airport to catch our next flight. When we called her room to see what was holding her up, she said she had gotten the curling iron stuck in her hair and she couldn’t get it out. We told her to cut the lock of hair off—but she adamantly refused. A few minutes later she came down from her room and climbed into the shuttle with the curling iron stuck into the back of her collar. She worked the entire flight with a curling iron down her neck rather than snip a little bit of hair off.”

Betty:

“A flight attendant I worked with was famous for being chronically late. One morning we all met in the hotel lobby to take the van to the airport for our first flight of the day, but she wasn’t there. We all thought, ‘Here we go again!’ and someone called up to her room to see when she was coming down. ‘I can’t come down—because I can’t find my skirt!’ She had somehow lost her uniform skirt between the time she took it off the previous evening and the next morning, and she could not find it anywhere. A couple of flight attendants went up to her room to help her search for it, and they looked high and low, searching every place in that room. Finally they found it, in between the mattress and the box spring. She had placed it there the night before in order to press it, and had completely forgotten about it!”

A flight attendant:

“There was a seven-year-old boy on my flight, flying alone. When he took his seat, I noticed that a very large person had occupied the seat previously and had let the seat belt out to its maximum dimensions. I said to the little boy, ‘You should tighten up before we take off,’ and I nodded at the seat belt. During takeoff as we were climbing, I glanced over at him and saw that he was squeezing his eyes, his arms, his legs and shoulders—everything was as tight as it could be…except for his seat belt.”

Crime Busters

* During a skyjacking epidemic, a major airline hired two psychiatrists to act as security agents to screen passengers and arrest anyone who looked suspicious or showed signs of mental instability. Working independently and unknown to each other, the two men had been on the job one day before each arrested the other.

* A pickpocket at the Seville Airport had the unfortunate luck to choose the worst possible victim. The thief specialized in international events that drew large crowds of visitors, and he thought he was in his element when he came upon a large group of young men in the airport. He chose his target and dipped into a bag, little realizing he was stealing from Larry Wade, champion 110-meter hurdler for the U.S. Athletic team. He was also spotted by Maurice Green, the fastest sprinter on Earth, capable of running 100 meters in 9.79 seconds. According to Darwin Awards (www.DarwinAwards.com) the two athletes quickly chased down the thief despite his hefty head start. The pickpocket attempted to pretend that he was just an innocent French tourist, but the entire episode was captured on film by a Spanish television crew that had been interviewing Mr. Greene at the time.

* In Knox County, Ohio, a thief broke into a Mooney aircraft and stole the avionics system, including the Emergency Locating Transmitter, or ELT. This device sends out electronic homing signals when a plane crashes. During the robbery, the crook jarred the ELT just enough to activate it, and authorities easily tracked and apprehended the perpetrator.

* Singapore Airline employee Austin Perot figured out how to hack into the computer systems of major airlines and used the knowledge to create fictitious accounts for 29 different fake frequent flyers, putting them ‘aboard’ various long-haul flights after the plane had already landed. Using this method, he amassed some 17 million frequent flyer miles between 1996 and 2002, enough to fly around the world around 200 times. He used the points to sell discount plane tickets to his friends and family members, before being caught. Perot pleaded guilty to obtaining financial advantage by deception in the Melbourne County court.

Animal Antics

Leopards, gorillas, and mice, oh my! Who knew there are so many airline stories starring our furry friends? In this chapter we hear about raccoons, dogs, turtles, squirrels, and mice all flying the friendly skies. Hang on for a “wild” ride!

Betty:

“When we boarded late in the evening for a cross-country flight, a man got on with a cat in a carrier. The cat meowed loudly and constantly and would not shut up or calm down. It was a very loud, insistent, annoying meow that never stopped for a single moment. When we took off it was still meowing, and by now the passengers were wondering if they were going to have to listen to this very troubling meowing for the entire five-hour night flight, when everyone was hoping to get some sleep.

“Finally the man came up to me carrying the cat in its cage and he said, ‘I know it’s against regulations but I was wondering if I could take the cat out of the carrier just for a little while so I can try to calm it down.’ He explained that he had just purchased the cat two days earlier and was flying home with it. Under the circumstances, I thought this was a good idea and together we removed the cat.

“Well, it was a very rare and expensive cat, a hybrid that was half Asian leopard, and half domestic cat. It looked like a little leopard and had absolutely huge paws. When I put out my hand to stroke it, it grabbed a hold of my fingers with its paw and held on, just like a little baby will instinctively grab onto a finger. The cat seemed to be comforted by this and quickly quit crying. With the man holding one paw, and me holding the other paw, it eventually fell asleep and the entire plane heaved a sigh of relief. In my career, I’ve done a whole lot of hand-holding, but this is the first time I’ve ever held hands with a cat. And a leopard cat, to boot.”

A flight attendant:

“A woman was flying with her small dog, which she had checked as baggage. The pilot came on before the flight and told the woman that they were unable to carry the dog in the cargo hold because they were also transporting a large quantity of dry ice, which had the potential of suffocating the dog as it melted, giving off carbon dioxide. The pet carrier was too large to fit under the seat, so the pilot very nicely told the woman that he would carry the dog with him in the cockpit. So this sweet little dog went into the cockpit with the pilot, and he soon regretted his decision.

“It was a long flight, from Atlanta to L.A., and we flight attendants would ring the cockpit to see if they needed anything to drink, or lunch, or whatever. Every time we rang the cockpit, the bell would go ‘ding-dong’ and it sounded just like a doorbell. That dog yapped his cute little head off every time it sounded. I asked the lady who owned the dog, ‘Does your dog bark every time someone rings the doorbell?’ and she said, ‘Yes, you bet he does!’

“So, having discovered this, we decided we would ring the cockpit every time we thought up a reason. That dog barked his way across the continent, driving the pilot crazy. I’m sure that by the time we arrived in L.A., the captain had quite a headache.”

A male flight attendant:

“We were in the middle of a flight and I was walking down the aisle checking on my passengers when I noticed a very large woman (with a very ample bosom) traveling with her pet chihuahua. The chihuahua was out of the carrier and sitting on her lap. Well, I’m a dog person, and I’m sympathetic to other dog people, but rule are rules, and the rule is that animals have to stay in their carriers. So I leaned over to speak to this very large woman (with the very ample bosom) and I explained why the rule is important and why she needed to comply with the rule and put the chihuahua back into the carrier. Without saying a word, she looked at me, and then she looked at the dog, and then this very large woman (with the very ample bosom) picked up the chihuahua and tucked the tiny dog into her very ample bosom. The dog fit there very nicely and seemed very comfortable. So I looked at her, and I looked at the dog (in her very ample bosom) and I said, ‘Well, technically, I guess that would qualify as a carrier…’ and the dog rode in her very ample bosom for the rest of the flight.”