Beneath the Honeysuckle Vine (44 page)

A dizziness began to overtake her—the dizziness that often accompanied collapse.
Her knees weakened
,
and
she
forced herself to draw breath as tears streamed over her face.

“
I cannot endure this!
”
she prayed in a whisper.
“
I cannot live so alone!
”

Vivianna closed her eyes a moment
,
willing her hea
r
t to continue to beat
,
struggling to find reason and hope
,
but there came none into her mind.

Then—at last—she opened her eyes.
Johnny Tabor stepped out of the gazebo
,
hunkered down
,
and ran one hand over the tall grass.

“
Johnny,
”
Vivianna
whispered.

Johnny Tabor knew pain
;
Johnny Tabor knew despair.
Though she did not know the reason for his occasional bath of sorrow
,
she knew he suffered—perhaps as she was now suffering.
Yet Johnny Tabor did not die
;
no
,
he lived.
Even after war and loss
,
even after
Andersonville
and the long road home he yet traveled
,
Johnny continued—trudged onward.
Vivianna knew then
:
it was Johnny who would know her pain
,
Johnny who might teach her how to survive it.

Vivianna did not know how her legs carried her
,
for her entire body was weak with
sudden
mourning and despair.
Yet, somehow, she moved toward him.
Somehow she took one step—then another—and with each step toward him, she
did not feel
further despairi
ng but rather further desperation.
She must reach him—be
with him.
If she could
just
reach Johnny
—Johnny
,
who was only a short distance from her—if she could reach him
,
she might find some hope in enduring.

He heard her approach
,
stood
,
frowned
,
and started toward her.
“
Vivianna?
”
he asked
, concern overtaking him.
“
What
’
s the matter?
”
he asked, setting the box of Justin
’
s letters in the grass and reaching out to take her by the shoulders.

Vivianna shook her head and
stepped back from him.
She held u
p one dainty hand and tossed an indifferent wave.
“
Oh, nothin
’
too awful,
”
she lied
,
tears streaming down her face
.
“
I-I was just…I know ya own pain, Johnny,
”
she continued.
“
I don
’
t know
just
what causes
ya to hurt
…tho
ugh I know
ya
’
ve seen enough misery to make anybody
’
s nights restless with bad dreams.
But…but I was just wonderin
’
…how do ya…
how do
ya just keep goin
’
, Johnny
?
Whatever it is that chas
es your smile away sometimes…ya
just
seem to
fight it off.
How?
”

“
Vivi,
”
he
began.
He took another step toward her
,
and she took another step back.

Her mind was aching
;
her heart was breaking!
She did not want to tell him of her pain—didn
’
t want to heap any more pain on him.
Yet she felt compelled to do so—felt as if the only way she could overcome the sudden, miserable despair
was in telling him.

“
I
’
m…I
’
m all by myself, Johnny!
”
Viv
i
anna cried in a whisper.
She glanced about to ensure no one else was nearby.
She knew no one would be near—who would possibly be near the old, empty Bartholomew house?
Still, Vivianna had kept such a tight hold on her emotions.
For months she
’
d held them still
;
for years she
’
d kept them buried.
Yet they were surfacing.
They
’
d begun to surface the moment Johnny Tabor had kissed her beneath the honeysuckle vine.
He
’
d turned so
me sort of unseen key deep with
in her—begun to unlock her soul.
Yet now—now as she stood overwhelmed by loss and despair—she was too frightened to release her imprisoned emotions.
She feared that doing so might destroy her somehow
,
that she might cease to exist—simply vanish.
Yet as Johnny reached out
,
carefully taking hold of her hand
,
the prison door swung wide
,
and Vivianna
’
s passions were freed.

“
The
y’re
gone!
My family!
My whole family, Johnny!
I-I think I might not manage it!
I
’
m so afraid I might simply…
”

He reached for her then
,
his strong arms drawing
her
into a safe and powerful embrace.
In the next moment
,
she was sobbing against the softness of his shirt—against the firm muscles of his chest beneath. Frantically she clung to him—clutched the cloth of the back of his shirt in her trembling fists.

“
Why now?
”
she begged in a whisper.
“
Why
this moment
?
The war is over
. E
veryone is
so happy.
It
’
s been so long since they were taken from me.
Why can
’
t I…I can
’
t…I can
’
t…
”

She felt him sigh as he rested his chin on the top of her head
,
burying a hand in her hair
.
She clung even more desperately to him
,
as if releasing him would find her in
some suffocating darkness
.

“
You haven
’
t mourned them, Vivi,
”
he said.
His voice was strong yet soothing.
It was deep—rich and comforting.
“
I
’
ve watched ya all this time…wondered why ya keep from mournin
’
.
Ya keep your pain locked away
,
just like a soldier keeps it locked away.
The war is over, Vivi
,
but ya
’
ve been fightin
’
so long
,
fightin
’
same as any Johnny Reb or Yankee
…longer than some.
And
today…today
the
fight
is
finally
over
for ya
,
and ya need to mourn now
.
You
’
re knowin
’
your
own
soldier
’
s
grief
…the
grief
every soldier
knows
when
the fightin
’
ends
,
when he
’
s finally
stretched out on his bedroll one n
ight and realizes all he
’
s
lost…all t
hat
’
s been stolen from him.
I know that grief
.
I know that pain. Ya
haven
’
t
let yourself think about it before
. Y
a haven
’
t
let your heart admi
t it
. Y
ou were too busy survivin
’
’
til now.
”

He took her face between his hands.
She tried to look away
,
embarrassed by her weakn
ess and knowing her face was re
d and tear-streaked.
But he gently forced her to look at him.

“
Ya need to grieve, Vivi,
”
he softly told her.
“
Ya need to admit the
y’re
gone
. Y
a need to mourn them proper.
Ya
’
ve bottled it all up for so long
—
all your pain and fear.
I think ya put all your hopes in Justin
’
s letters…tried to ignore anything else…hoped that Justin would come home and somehow everything would be all right.
But it won
’
t, Vivi.
You
’
re realizin
’
that now, and ya need to let go of all you
’
ve been holdin
’
onto so tight.
”

Vivianna shook her head
,
tears streaming down her face.

“
They
’
re gone, Vivi,
”
he told her.
“
Let it hurt.
If ya don
’
t, you
’
ll never be your whole self again.
Ya ain
’
t cold and heartless like some
. Y
ou
’
re warm and lovin
’
, beautiful and passionate.
Know your pain, Vivi…or you
’
ll never know true joy again.
”

Still, Vivianna shook her head.
“
If I let it…if I let the pain in…it
’
ll never leave, Johnny!
It
’
s all I
’
ll ever know.
If I let it take me…I
’
ll be lost to it.
”

“
No,
”
he said.
“
No.
You
’
ll only be lost if ya don
’
t face it.
”

“
There
’
ll only be the pain, Johnny,
”
she whispered.

“
No.
Lettin
’
go will free ya, Vivi…just like puttin
’
these letters away will free ya.
If ya face your losses
,
know the pain
,
and work your way through it
,
joy will come to you.
A body can even know joy and pain together…but not if ya don
’
t let yourself feel one
. T
he other can
’
t break through.
”

“
Joy and pain…together?
”
she gasped.
She shook her head.
“
No.
”

He forced her to look at him once more.
“
I promise ya, Vivi,
”
he said.
“
You can know joy even for the hurt pain brings.
I know it to be true.
I promise you it
’
s true.
I
’
ve known it…so much pain I thought I might die
. Y
et at the same time, a joy that carried me through.
I promise ya.
”