Beneath the Honeysuckle Vine (38 page)

May God keep you safe, my love…my one true reason for living
.

Vivianna folded the tender pages and brushed the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand.
She was angry for a moment—angry with Justin.
Why had he changed?
Why hadn
’
t he endeavored to fulfill his promises of love?
How her heart ached in that moment
,
longed for the man Justin had been.
How she wished that the sight of Justin caused her heart to leap
;
how she wished it w
ere
Justin
’
s kiss she longed for.
Yet it wasn
’
t—not now—not anymore.
Furthermore, it was Justin
’
s fault her heart did not beat so madly in his presence as it once had.
After all, wasn
’
t it Justin who brought Johnny Tabor to
Florence
?
It was Justin
’
s fault—all of it!
Yet in an instant, Vivianna humbled herself once more.
It was not Justin
’
s fault
,
nor was it Johnny
’
s fault.
Johnny could not change the truth of his being so handsome
,
so thoroughgoing in his rank of attractiveness.
Perhaps he might change his behavior if he wished
,
mask the pure magnetism of his manner.
Yet Vivianna would not wish him to alter.
No—she most certainly did not.
Johnny Tabor had found his way into holding Vivianna
’
s attention with his pure desirability
,
into piercing her heart with some intangible power she could not understand
,
and that was no one
’
s fault but her own.

As she returned the letter to its place in the small box, she sighed.
Perhaps she was simply not meant to love Justin Turner
,
just as she was not meant to love Caleb.
Perhaps Justin
’
s letters to her and hers to him—perhaps they had simply been an instrument to help both she and Justin to endure the horrors of the war.
Perhaps she would one day leave
Florence
.
Perhaps the Turner boys she had so desperately loved would become nothing but a sweet memory of the past.

Vivianna thought of
Savannah
then—of the great debt she owed to her.
Savannah
wanted nothing more than for Vivianna to marry Justin
or Caleb.
It was many times
Savannah
had confessed this to her.
Guilt and anxiety gripped Vivianna at the thought.
She could not disappoint
Savannah
,
nor Nate and Willy.
She could not.
Yet Justin did not want to marry her—at least, not in that moment.
And she was not in love with Caleb.
Either marriage would be out of obligation—either for Vivianna
’
s part of it
or for Justin
’
s and Caleb
’
s.

Shaking her head with utter frustration and fatigue
,
Vivianna sighed.
Many things occurred out of a sense of obligation
,
including marriage.
Perhaps she should have accepted Caleb
’
s proposal.
Certainly she was not in love with him
,
but she did love him
,
and he was steady.
Caleb, though owning no sign of passion, was a good man—a kind and understanding man.
In those moments of near despair and utter weariness, Vivianna Bartholomew wondered if she
’
d made a terrible mistake in not marrying Caleb Turner.
After all, what good had it done her to dream over Justin
,
to have him return home only to find him so changed?

It was late.
Vivianna knew it was never wise for a body to ponder so deeply when one was so very tired as she was.
She stood, lifted the lantern with one hand, and tucked the small box containing Justin
’
s letters under her arm.
She needed rest.
The day had been long and emotionally taxing.
Even in that moment, she could yet feel the press of Johnny
’
s lips to hers.
They began to rise in her then
,
all her emotions
,
every one
,
all the feelings she
’
d buried for so long—the ardor that had begun to stir deep in her from the moment she
’
d first kissed Johnny beneath the honeysuckle.
Still, she was weary
,
worn from the events of the day
,
from hard labor
,
from the emotional consequences of her discussion with Justin.
Yet it was the thoughts of Johnny—her confusion mingled with delight—that most exhausted her.
She remi
nded her
self that he was nearly a stranger to her.
He was not someone she
’
d known the whole of her life as she had Caleb and Justin.
He was a stranger
,
a stranger whom she knew nothing about
,
save that he was from
Texas
and had a family there
,
that his sister was named Jeannie and had named her son after him
,
and that he held secrets.

Vivianna thought then of Johnny Tabor
’
s tin box
,
the one Justin had told her he clung to as if it contained the most valuable of treasure.
She thought of his asking her to sink it in the river if he died.
She thought then also of the dead Confederate Nate and Willy had found in the woods.
Quickly, she buried her suspicious nature.
Justin would not own a friend who was in any
way wicked.
He would not.
Her mind was too tired—too worn out.
She would return to her bed and sleep.
And in the morning, she would take Justin
’
s letters to her old home and hide them.

A cloud passed over the moon
,
and the darkness thickened.
Vivianna was grateful she had not wandered too far from the house in seeking out pure privacy in which to peruse Justin
’
s letters.
Even with the lantern light, the thick darkness would have caused difficulty for her as she made her way to the house had she not known the path so well.

“
Vivianna.
”

Vivianna gasped
,
her heart leaping so quickly within her bosom she feared it may well leap entirely from it!

“
Johnny!
”
she scolded as she looked up to see Johnny standing before her.
He held a lantern in one hand
,
a small, battered tin box tucked under his left arm.
“
You near scared the waddin
’
outta me!
What are ya doin
’
out here in the dead of night?
”

Johnny arched one broad brow and asked,
“
What are
you
doin
’
out here in the dead of night?
”

Vivianna paused in answering.
She fancied she might well tell him what she was doing and why.
And before she could think to do otherwise, she did indeed tell him.

“
I…I wanted to read Justin
’
s letters once more…before I put them away perhaps forever,
”
she said.
She could not believe the confession had passed beyond her lips!
Why would she tell him of her plans to put Justin
’
s letters away?

Johnny glanced to the small box she carried.

“
You
’
re givin
’
them up?
”
he asked.
“
Have you…have you and Justin come to an agreement on
—”

“
We
’
ve agreed that he needs more time to heal…that perhaps I do, as well,
”
she interrupted.
“
We are neither of us the same…changed since the letters passed between us.
He wants me to love him for the man he is now
,
not the man he was when he wrote these to me.
”

Johnny
’
s eyes narrowed.
“
But I thought ya loved him
.
I thought ya wanted to marry him.
”
He paused
and
then added,
“
You refused Caleb for the mere memory Justin left in you.
And now, you refuse Justin for
—”

“
I have not refused Justin,
”
Vivianna interrupted once more.
“
He told me today…that he wants me to give up the letters…give up the man he used to be.
As I said, he wants me to love who he has become.
”

“
And will you?
”
Johnny asked.

Vivianna could not understand her desire, her need to be honest with Johnny.
Yet honest she was as she said,
“
I don
’
t know.
I must confess it to someone.
”
She paused and gazed into his handsome face.
His eyes were warm—held sincere concern.
“
You
’
re his friend, Johnny…but may I trust you with a secret?
”

“
I fear I
’
m the greatest keeper of secrets you
’
ll ever meet, Vivianna,
”
he said.
She thought there was perhaps more meaning in his words than
was
apparent.

“
Then I
’
ll tell you this
.
I love Justin…but I love the Justin I knew here.
”
She held the box up that he might better see it.
“
The Justin whose heart is written in the letters in this box.
I…I think the Justin you brought home…I fear he may be lost to me forever.
And I confess further that I don
’
t know if I can love the man he is now.
I…I don
’
t care for some of the changes in him…a certain arrogance that appears every now and again…an impatience.
”
She shrugged and added,
“
Oh, I
’
m sure I
’
m not bein
’
very understandin
’
.
After all, you know what he endured at
Andersonville
.
More than anybody else, you understand.
”
She shook her head
and
restrained her tears.
“
My feelings go back and forth
. O
ne minute I
’
m heartbroken that he doesn
’
t love me as he did, but in the next breath I feel freer than I have since before the war.
”

Johnny said nothing—simply looked at her
,
his dark eyes smoldering with an intoxicating allure.
Warm and sudden moisture flooded her mouth as she gazed at him.

“
Do ya think badly of me, Johnny?
”
she asked him.
“
Do ya think I
’
m fickle and stonehearted?
”

“
No,
”
he mumbled.
His eyes narrowed.
“
I think Justin
’
s a fool
. A
nd if those letters you
’
re holdin
’
are what
’
s keepin
’
your heart a prisoner…then burn
’
em and set yourself free.
”