Being The Other Woman: Who we are, what every woman should know and how to avoid us (32 page)

I could fill these pages with stories from women who have invested money they really didn’t have into flying to places to meet up with their lovers. Loaning or giving them money. Paying for hotel rooms, dinners, or other expenses so that the charge would not show up on his credit card bill. Either way, there is usually an outpour of money she really can’t afford to be spending.

I’ll be the first to admit it. I am vain. If you aren’t vain, then you must be one of those lucky ones who live in an area that has those grocery stores with the “family friendly” aisle and no
Cosmopolitan
at the checkout stand. You also must not have cable TV and you find ways to ignore the enormous cultural expectations of women today. My butt no longer looks like it did when I was twenty, and I have a hard enough time dealing with that, so when my father said one day, “He’s aging you,” I raced to the mirror. I had suddenly developed these huge bags and dark circles under my eyes. A few weeks later, when my bathtub clogged, I discovered there was enough hair in the drain to give my cat extensions. I was losing my hair from stress, and then I also noticed that I no longer could control my gray hairs with my tweezers. When my youngest sister sat playing with my hair one day and said, “Oh my God!” I considered starting an auto pay plan with my hair colorist. My forehead was so creased that when I wasn’t wearing makeup, I called myself Steve Jr., after the son I think my father always wanted. Thank God for Botox, or I might have stayed in my jammies all day. You may think that’s just a part of aging, but my affair ended many years ago while I was in my early thirties. Today, at thirty six, I look and feel far more vibrant then I did back then. Further, it’s been at least two years since I ran to the local day spa for an updated Botox injection.

It wasn’t just my vanity that had a severe humbling from the stress of my affair. My overall health was damaged by the time things came to an end and for sometime after. I’m one of those never-get-sick people, but during those few years of my affair and some time after, I’ve sometimes felt like I’m near my death bed. My adrenal glands are just now recovering from the shock they took as a result of all of my emotional ups and downs. My almost-photographic memory has evaporated, and today, if I don’t write everything down this second on my “to-do” list, I’ll forget it. I think I walked around for two years after my affair feeling like I was stuck in a van with Cheech and Chong, and “too much mind” left me with migraines. My chiropractor’s cell phone number is stored on my speed dial in the event my neck gets stuck. I used to call him up and say, “Tim, I have whore neck again,” he appreciates my humor and opened the door for me, even on his days off.

Science is finding more evidence every day that negative emotions and high states of stress are cancer causing and can contribute to some forms of heart disease. Evidence supports that women in strained relationships face greater cardiovascular risk than their male partners do. Women in contentious relationships are more likely to develop high blood pressure, high cholesterol, high blood sugar levels, or Metabolic Syndrome. Even if you have not seen the short term affects to your health in having an affair, there may be long term ones. The other woman suffers heightened anxiety, depression, and abnormal amounts of stress. When she is suffering these emotions, she is not likely to be able to eat much and probably sleeps even less. Her mental focus will usually be very fixated on her affair.

When I think of things having to do with the affects of my relationship with Blake, it seems ironic to me that the irritable bowel syndrome commercial suddenly comes on TV. I still look for “signs” from the universe. All joking aside, my health went in the shitter…  as is bound to happen to any woman who chooses to live her life as the other woman.

PART 3

Decisions, Prevention
and Healing

Of all the discoveries which men need to make,
the most important, at the present moment,
is that of self-forming power treasured
up in themselves.
 

~ William Ellery Channing

Chapter 20
 

Are You in a Toxic Relationship?
 

In the movie
The
Thomas
Crown
Affair
, actress Rene Russo says the one line that causes the movie to kerplunk itself smack in the middle of my list of favorite movies: “Men make women messy.” Why did that line elicit such a strong emotion from me? Because, well,
men
make
women
messy
. Plus, I liked the character’s strength and her ability to spit the truth, when sitting in a limousine with that gorgeous billionaire, Thomas Crown.

The other thing that men do is cause wonderful women to fall head over heels for them in hopes that the men will respond like Mr. Crown did. A woman wants a man to make her his utmost focal point and show unwavering resolve to love her. Almost any woman who has been in a relationship lasting for any substantial length of time can recite in detail the things that her husband, boyfriend, or lover did to sweep her off her feet.

Normally, of course, after some longevity, such acts of generosity and loving kindness fade a bit within reason. Some women are fortunate enough to never experience any change in his doting at all. But sometimes acts of generosity and loving kindness cease for good. Even worse are the unhealthy relationships that become habits and addictions where we lose ourselves and become so completely enmeshed that we forget who we really are and how we deserve to be treated. Horrible are the relationships where women end up surrendering to physical, emotional, or mental abuse.

Just because a man has an affair doesn’t mean he is emotionally, mentally, or physically abusive. Some men just make horrible mistakes. Some fall out of love poorly. Others have some serious growing up to do. But there are some men who are so damaging to women that to continue our lives with them is to create a self prison with bars of misery.

What a woman should always know is the difference.

Some relationships are worth saving for the higher and better good they bring to our lives. Others are as toxic as the water around Chernobyl. Toxic water will kill you. The only way to save yourself is to swim to the shore as fast as possible, climb out, and wash away the pollution.

A toxic person can be the bitch in the cubicle down the hall or the person we choose to give our hearts to. In her book,
Toxic
People
, Lillian Glass describes a toxic person as “anyone who has poisoned your life, who is not supportive, who is not happy to see you grow, to see you succeed, and who does not wish you well. In essence they sabotage your efforts to lead a happy and productive life”.
¹¹
Glass goes on to suggest how to deal with toxic people. She adds that most psychologists agree that closing the door, letting go, and completely losing contact with the toxic person may be the only way to regain your mental health.

Toxic men are careful enough not to quickly inoculate you with their poison but slip an IV into your arm while you are asleep in infatuation. The drip is so slow you hardly notice the small effects over time as you absorb the illness.

Toxic men make us feel stupid for having dreams, desires, or goals. They don’t believe we can achieve them. They think our ideas are illogical distractions from the things they think we should be putting our focus on. Toxic men make us feel like our thoughts are insignificant and our feelings are unstable. They say things that make us question ourselves while they attempt to convince us that they are the only ones who might tolerate our inadequacies. They minimize the things and people that are most important to us. “You’re just like your mother,” the toxic man will say, or “Yeah, but
your
family… .” and goes on to say that our families do things in ways that are not as good or as important as the way that theirs does things. Your job is not as important as his. Your contribution to society is not as meaningful as his. Your friends are not as relevant as his.

Toxic men also excuse their own behaviors and hurtful actions by pointing at you.
It’s
your
fault
. You made them do it, whatever it was. “If your ex-boyfriend hadn’t sent a client to your business, I wouldn’t have felt insecure,” he’ll say, “and therefore I wouldn’t have pursued inappropriate relations with the girl at the coffee shop.” Or, “I was so afraid of losing you that I grabbed your throat and choked you because I was afraid that you would leave me.” Or, “I didn’t feel like you really loved me, and so I went to her.”

You’ll never find true joy and happiness with this guy, but for some reason, we still believe we are the ones who will lose when he goes.

If you want to know if the person you share your life with is toxic or not, Glass writes, “the only thing to concern you is that you are treated with dignity and respect that you deserve.” She goes on:

Negativity can wear down your physical resistance. Anger and hostility affect the production of the hormone nor-epinephrine. A person who feels constant stress or hostility may produce an overabundance of this hormone, which causes high blood pressure as well as blockages that lead to heart attacks or stroke. There is also, as researchers have confirmed, a high correlation, in cases of cancer and heart disease, with repressing negative emotions.
¹²

Glass names approximately thirty types of toxic personalities. The following seven kinds are example’s of those I’ve found, and created based on her work. These are men we often find ourselves involved with.

1. The
Belittling
Bully
. This man seems to get a thrill out of belittling you, either outright or by minimizing accomplishments, goals, perspectives, or feelings. For example, you might express your excitement for your hard work at winning a new client from a competitor and he will respond that the client switched because he likes your boobs. He is constantly analyzing everything about you and makes it a point to remark on your imperfections. To be in his presence is to be constantly scrutinized. A good example would be the story I told earlier of Blake accusing me of encouraging a man to send me flowers. He implied that I was unprofessional and flirtatious and the man sending me flowers made me unattractive to him. He often uses accusation to try to convince you that you are less than a person. He spins everything in order to keep you on the defensive. His arguments are often illogical and far fetched.

I believe that when a man is constantly critiquing you and diminishing your self-worth, he is doing so because he secretly fears that you will figure out he’s not as good as he wants you to believe he is. He fears that you will discover that you are actually too good for him. He thinks that if your self esteem rises, your eyes will open to his shortcomings and you will be vulnerable to being seduced by someone who will truly give you what you deserve. Therefore, the bully constantly beats up anything you say, do, feel, need, or aspire to become.

2. The
Self-Destructive
Victim
. This man always wants things to go well in his life, yet every time things seem to be on track he self-destructs. As quickly as we see hope that he learned from his last mistake, he makes the same mistake all over again. I knew a man who had experienced a divorce that he said he did not want. His wife left him because she could no longer tolerate his partying. After he had settled into his new life he seemed to be on the right track. He learned his lessons. He bought a new house and was excited to see his children every chance he could, he hated to see them go and was depressed when it wasn’t his week with his daughters. He wanted a family and missed having a partner to share his life with. Finally, he met a girl who he really seemed to like an awful lot. They were getting very close and she was falling in love with him. He says he was in love with her from the moment he met her. After months of romantic courting, one night he invited her to meet several of his friends at a barbeque and she joined him. She had a fabulous time and hit it off smashingly with his friends. Her blend with his friends seemed to make them both all the more twitter pated with each other and, that night, he asked her to accompany him on a vacation to meet his mother—a woman he honored greatly. Soon after inviting her to meet dear mom, he romantically told her it was time to go home. He had other things in mind now; they were both feeling very passionate toward one another. She said her goodbyes to his friends and thanked them for the invitation. She ran home to grab a night bag and agreed to meet him shortly after, at his house. But when she went to his house he wasn’t there and never showed up. She worried that something had happened to him and drove back to the party to find out what time he had left and what might have happened to delay him. He wouldn’t answer his cell phone and she worried that perhaps he had been in an accident. When she arrived back at the friend’s house, she walked in the door calling for him. Hearing voices, she went down to the basement where she found him doing cocaine. She left in shock. He tried to make amends and promised to never do it again but the writing was on the wall. He is alone again, still hoping she will come back. He lets her know this sometimes when he calls her late at night from bars.

Not long ago, I had coffee with this same man and he told me about his life. He spoke of how bad things always happened to him. He always seems to find himself in trouble, people always get him wrong, he’s always in the wrong place at the wrong time, and it never is his fault. The victim typically banks on words more than action; talks but never does anything. He wants things a certain way, but then he acts in ways that bring the complete opposite of what he says he wants. No matter how many opportunities we give this guy, he will never change.

3. The
Problem
Avoider
with
Ice
in
His
Chest
. This guy is a wimp who can’t confront anyone or make a decision. He is unreliable, runs away from any stressful situation, and is unable to deal with the problems at hand. He says one thing and does another. He doesn’t know what he is doing and neither does anyone around him. He is often a bullshitting liar, an ultimate manipulator, and you cannot be sure if anything he says is believable. You never really can communicate with him, so you never know how he really feels about any issue. This is the guy who, when caught in a lie, hides and avoids conversation.

He also runs away from anything that may make him deal with emotions—yours or his. For example, once me and Shane were driving in minor traffic on a four lane road to a golf course. While we were stopped at a red light, I saw some small children crossing the street with a puppy. When the light turned green, the van in front of me jumped forward just as the puppy began to run back home. I knew what was going to happen. “No, no, no, no,” I yelled. I watched the vehicle roll over the top of the dog and keep driving. I don’t believe the driver even knew he had hit the animal. It was one of the most horrific sights I have ever seen. The dog spun and rolled, as if in a cartoon. Then I heard the children begin to scream and cry. Crying myself, I pulled up alongside the dog and saw that it was still alive and yelping. My automatic reaction was to get the dog in my car and rush it to animal emergency in hopes of saving it or, at best, putting it out of its misery kindly. I wanted to comfort the children, too. I was overwhelmed with maternal instinct and sadness. When I started to put my car in park, Shane began screaming at me. “GO, GO, GO. Drive, goddamn it, drive!” I looked at him like he was insane. The only thing to do was save the dog. But he put my car back into gear and kept screaming at me, putting his hand over my leg and pressing my foot down on the gas. I was staring at the maniac next to me as other passers-by stopped their cars. He continued to scream at me. I drove off… sickened and in a complete daze. I couldn’t understand him. “Why?” I kept crying to him. Finally he calmed down enough to tell me that he didn’t want to listen to the animal yelping in pain. It would upset him too much. I never forgave myself for letting that happen, and the scene has played over and over in my head for years. I had never left anyone or anything in need like that before in my life, and abandoning that injured dog haunts me still today. In the years that followed, every time an event major or minor transpired in my life where I needed emotional support, Shane reacted the same way.

4. The
Rabid
Dog
.
You never know where you stand with this guy. His emotions change like a light switch. One minute he’s happy, the next he’s exploding about some ridiculous thing. Once the bomb has gone off, he calms down and asks, “What’s wrong?” as if you hadn’t just been assaulted. You spend your life with this guy on pins and needles, never knowing if, after you’ve shared a fun-filled afternoon, you’ll face a catastrophe that evening. He loves combat and will challenge everything you have to say, even if it’s not directed at him. I once had a conversation with one of these guys about car insurance. I had slid on ice and smashed my car into a tree, causing a wee bit of damage to the front end of my vehicle. He suggested that I use his friend’s body shop; perhaps we could work a deal where my insurance would cut the shop a check, and maybe I could get some sweet accessories in addition at the expense of my insurer. When I told him that pimping my car out wasn’t really my biggest concern, he turned on me and proceeded to chastise me about defrauding my insurance company. I tried to change the subject, but no matter what topic I turned it, he was still screaming at me, until finally, he hung up on me. Later, he told me that his reaction was my fault for being so difficult. When I was guarded around him afterwards, he didn’t understand why I would be.