Being The Other Woman: Who we are, what every woman should know and how to avoid us (35 page)

Chapter 23
 

Tid Bits
 

I was able to discover one true positive thing that came from my affair with Blake: Based on my experience, I was able to help my friend Janet through the difficult time of confusion and devastation after her husband Ian’s affair. I was able to offer her the insights that I had gained as the other woman. Ian, who is also my dear friend, came to realize the hurt that he not only caused his wife but also the pain that he had caused the other woman by selfishly misleading her. In my conversations with Janet and Ian, I learned much about the marriage side of things, things that I had never understood before as the other woman. Because of what I learned, I became passionate about sharing my experience. I feel that I have valuable insight that I can share with husbands and wives. But even more valuable, are the insights I wish to expose the other woman to. I felt compelled to open the curtains not only to all parties involved in the messy business of an affair but also to those who judge them. In essence, I wish to close the door on the opportunity for affairs to create destruction.

As I spoke regularly with Janet during that difficult time of her life, I recalled all the reasons that Blake had given me as to why he was unable to let go of our relationship and return to his marriage and give his wife one hundred percent effort. I shared with Janet what Blake had told me. What she had the most trouble understanding was my advice to not constantly revisit the affair and to stop continuously mentioning Kelly’s name. Ian was being honest with Janet about his affair and how he had succumbed to temptation. He had spilled the beans, falling to his knees in confession. He remained contrite for months, enduring endless nights of interrogation by Janet, who felt she had to know every detail. She couldn’t get the affair out of her mind, and even in moments when they would begin to share a bit of joy, her anger would quickly resurface and she would bring the subject up again.

It wasn’t just my experience with Blake that told me dwelling on the affair and the anger was dangerous. I also remembered my mother telling me about an affair my father had, after which she spent a number of years running it through her mind and torturing him with questions and blame. She was so angry, filled with so much self-inflicted pain because she kept reliving that time over and over in her mind, that one day she just got sick of herself. She could no longer go on. She was making herself and my father miserable. Finally, she concluded, “Either I let go and move forward today or I have to leave him to spare the both of us.” Like other women I’ve talked to, my mother also discovered that interrogations about details (What restaurant did you go to? What shirt did you wear? What sexual positions did you use?) only created the desire to learn more. Each question led to more questioning. Wives want all the details so that they can actually feel present in moments where they were left out. They want to know
exactly
what
happened
, but each new piece of information is a new imagined visual. Continual interrogation is self-torture. It destroys our mental health. I had to remind Janet that she was working on a future, not living in the past. What was done could not be undone, I told her; she had been given enough honest detail for now.

Blake told me that when he reconciled with Beth, she bombarded him with questions, references, and pot shots pertaining to our affair. “Every time I had committed to working on the marriage and felt resolved to put effort in rebuilding our relationship,” he said, “she brought you up again. She never allowed me to forget about you.” Each time Beth mentioned my name, he was catapulted back to a time we shared together. I knew that if Janet wanted Ian to forget Kelly, then
she
had
to.
It had to stop, not only for her sanity, but also for the marriage to move forward. She had to focus on her marriage, not on the other woman. Talking about Kelly specifically, gave her power and let her into the marriage. I told her to shut the gate.

The next important thing was for Ian and Janet to date each other again, to go back to sharing those moments together that are just for them. No children, no work issues, none of the distractions that take their focus away from rebuilding the connection. Life has to go on, of course, and with it come the everyday responsibilities that are required of us, but one day a week (or once a month, if that is all that can be squeezed in) there must be special time for just the two of them to remember what it was that brought them together in the first place. Taking time to renew their relationship is vital. They need to instill new life into their relationship. They need to remember to laugh, reinvent their shared life, embark on new journeys together. Janet needed to recognize the wonderful qualities in her husband. She needs to focus on positive issues, not on his flaws and his history.

I remember that Blake also complained about feeling neglected by Beth. “She wanted me back,” he said, “but when I was back, she didn’t want to do anything together.” The last time I spoke to him, he was still complaining. “I cannot tell you when the last time Beth and I actually had a date together.” This was a major bone of contention with him then, and it still is. It is also one reason why he still strays today.

I also told Janet that she needed to remember that Ian’s sexual needs are very important. This is how a man connects with his lover. He has to have sex in order to feel loved and to give love. Without sex, the wife has no security that the husband will want to faithfully stay in the marriage. It’s not simply that he isn’t getting laid as much as he thinks he should. It’s that without sex he cannot connect with her. He cannot express himself, and he is left to feel not only sexually frustrated but also emotionally frustrated. Without sex, he feels neglected, rejected, and unloved. This is the other woman’s greatest purpose in an affair. She is not there to replace his spouse entirely, she is there to fill in what is lacking in his marriage.

During my study about why men cheat, I found some very blunt and profound insights. For example, one man compared a woman’s need to talk about things as a man’s need to have sex. He said that he needed to feel respected and loved to have the incentive to do the right thing. “The other woman “needs” him with a respect and adoration that happens when he is primed to have an affair after feeling neglected,.” He said.

Let me break it down like this. I’m a woman. I like my sex with butterflies and romance. Bring me sweet words and thoughtfulness. Add a glass or two of wine. And animal planet can’t bring as much passion. However, when I am dog-ass tired and stressed to the max and my brain cannot shut off, the last thing I feel like doing is crawling all over my mate like some porn queen. To me, it is down right rude and disrespectful to focus on his throbbing member when I’m dealing with the latest crisis in my family. I recall Blake wanting me to “get up on it” while the early morning news was broadcasting the Space Shuttle explosion that killed everyone on board. I was listening in shock as he was groping me. Am I the only one who thinks this was a tad inappropriate? Can I just have a minute to mourn what just happened? Even a second to take this in? But even though I believed we were headed toward marriage, deep inside I knew “no” was not an option for the woman in my position. Deep inside, most mistresses will relate and therefore, deep inside she knows where her place is in his life.

All that being said, unfortunately, if a married woman can’t get her husband to comprehend when sex is appropriate and when it is not, and she refuses him too many times, she’s opening the door, or leaving it open, to problems. The number one complaint from every man I’ve ever spoken to who has strayed was that their wives do not give them enough sexual attention. By the way, my fellow other woman, sex and love are two very different things to a man. I love being with you is not the same as I love you.

Janet took my advice. She already knew about Ian’s sexual needs, though it didn’t hurt to hear an affirmation. She wanted to start dating him because she felt their connection was disappearing and they needed those moments now more than ever. But my advice not to mention the “bitch’s” name was, she admitted, both the most difficult and the most valuable thing I told her. She took my advice, and it worked. It helped to make Kelly history.

Ian had reached a threshold. He loves Janet. He wanted their marriage to work, but after months and months of ceaseless groveling every time Janet mentioned Kelly, he was becoming convinced that the marriage was over and all was lost. He felt that Janet would never forgive him enough to let them move forward and heal and be happy again. He was getting angrier and angrier. As she berated him and barraged him with more questions about Kelly, he found it harder and harder to stuff his feelings. He was beginning to accept that they would have to divorce because he had lost faith that either of them would be able to withstand the hatred that plagued their marriage. Then, suddenly, she gave him a break. Kelly’s name evaporated from their conversations. He was able to stop feeling defensive and focus on giving his wife the love and affection he wanted to give her. Janet thus received what she really needed—his reassurance that he truly loved her.

Janet and Ian attended marriage counseling and found it very helpful. They also attended a marriage workshop from which they gleaned a great deal. I’m surprised at how openly they are able to discuss their past. It is not a taboo subject in their home. His affair is something that happened, something they worked through successfully. What is important is that they
both
wanted their marriage to work and they
both
put forth the effort to make it work. A marriage like this, where both parties love each other and work hard not to lose each other is, in my opinion, the one that not only can really be saved, but is even worth saving.

But what about the circumstances where the affair does not end after it has been exposed? Circumstances such as my affair, where Blake remained confused, and in a constant state of vacillation. What should wives do then? Where does either woman find power? The answer; by being strong and willing to walk. His ability to play the game lies in the tactic of fear. Each woman is afraid to lose him, so neither of them let go. Thus, he never has to suffer any consequences for his actions because no one is letting him. They’re both protecting him. He’s getting a free ride, no one gets off of a free ride. What he is avoiding is pain. He doesn’t want to feel the hurt of losing either woman. He will not feel the totality of his loss until he really loses one or both of them. When someone walks away, he awakens to the fact that she, also, will be free to move on with her life, another factor he has been avoiding. He will end up with the one he hurts the most in losing. Nine in ten times that person is the one he is already married to. It is when his wife is gone that the other woman begins to reveal her imperfections and the apple of temptation starts to rot. If he doesn’t return to the marriage, it’s doubtful he will remain with the mistress over time. As painful as that is to accept, why would anyone want a man in their life who preferred to be somewhere else? In reality, his departure saves years of torture and the opportunity to find healing and real love by letting him go.

Women in risky circumstances should always be prepared and have an escape plan. My father had an affair when I was young. I was not aware of what was going on, only that we moved “back home” to where my mother had grown up and that he did not attend my fifth birthday but sent me two stuffed puppies with Velcro arms hugging each other. Later, we moved back to our house, which had a few new items of furniture in it that my Dad had bought while we were gone. Sometime later, we moved to a home at least double the size. I learned as an adult that my mother had always been responsible for maintaining their checking account and paying the bills. Each time that she sat down to pay a bill, she would write a check to herself and put it in the bottom of a drawer. Finally she said to my father, “Let’s move and start over,” to which he replied, “We can’t afford it.” My mother ran into her bedroom, took all the checks out of the bottom of the drawer, and laid down enough money to make the down payment on our new house. I took this story and applied it to my own life when I was living during rocky times with my fiancé. I knew that if he left, I could not afford to pay the rent on my own. I had two small children and a small, inconsistent income. Each time I went to the grocery store, therefore, I wrote a check for $50 over the amount and opened a private account. Occasionally, I received bonuses from my employer, and those too went into the account. When my fiancé left, I had saved a few thousand dollars. This bought me time to pull myself together and implement a new plan.

If he leaves you, do NOT be a victim. If you are the wife, make him shoulder all joint responsibilities, including child support and care taking. Take a vacation, go out on the town. Under no circumstance should you give him the satisfaction of believing that you are sitting weepily at home, lost without him, and doing nothing but awaiting his return. Save your tears for your girlfriends, who will inevitably be there to support you.
Success
is
the
best
revenge
. Do all of the things that you dreamed of doing. This is your life now. Be selfish about living it. You deserve it! Focus on yourself and what is most important to your life.

Believe in karma or fate and let Dame Fortune do her job. Incidentally, I have learned that “what goes around, comes around” comes only when you stop wishing for it to happen. It happens that way as not to earn yourself a little bad juju of your own for wishing ill will on others. By the time it does come around, it is when we are almost able to feel sorry for them… almost. I have witnessed this fact of life so many times that I have become a devout follower. As you reap, so shall you sew, is a universal law. Trust it and move on.