Being The Other Woman: Who we are, what every woman should know and how to avoid us (28 page)

After my father and mother divorced, my father would drive forty-five miles to pick me and my sister’s up for our weekend with him. Before he arrived, my mother would rant as she packed our belongings into our weekend bag. As we drove for the next hour, my father would criticize my mother and all of her bitchy qualities. The only way to get his attention was not to share in our school projects of which we might have received accolades, but to report more of Mom’s bizarre behavior. When we arrived back home on Sunday night, Mom asked how our weekend went, and we told her all about Dad’s grouchiness. The only thing that was accomplished by all of this tattling was the immense feelings of guilt my sister’s and I shared because we felt like we were betraying one parent or the other. As I grew up, of course, I learned how to manipulate this in my favor. If Mom disagreed with something or expected a behavior from me, I would run to Dad with her unreason. When my father placed restrictions on me, I ran to my mother who was more relaxed. They were still battling to be better than each other and more loved and approved of by their children. I could always win one over to my side.

DeAnna left her husband of twenty years after discovering that he was having a long term affair. She was so angry that her sons also began to hate their father for the tears they witnessed fall from the eyes of their mother. They hated him and refused to speak to him or visit with him. Later, when DeAnna remarried, she tried to bring some normality back into their lives. The boys resisted and eventually turned to their father, who was then able to tell them that her unreasonableness was why he had left her. This made DeAnna miserable. She thought her sons were going off to the dark side. She’d been deserted again, affirming her belief that she was unworthy of love. As the boys became teenagers, every time they were faced with a consequence for their misbehavior, they would run to Mom or Dad with stories that validated the hatred the parents felt for each other. The boys, who had been active in sports, received above average grades, and had promising futures, stepped off into the true dark side, which was rebellion and a storm of constant trouble. The boys have been arrested several times for possession and use of drugs. One was discharged from military boot camp after being charged with driving under the influence and the other moved out of his mother’s house and into his own apartment before his eighteenth birthday, did not graduate from high school, and reportedly hates both parents.

When I was still involved with Blake, Beth told her children that I was a bad person and that my children were horrible and awful people and we were the reason that they were going to lose their dad. This could have backfired on her if Blake and I ever married. My children and I would have been a regular part of the lives of Beth’s children. Wouldn’t I have extended extra care to her children? Would I make a point in getting all the children together to try to bond them with fun activities? When we took Blake’s children home to their mother, who was still angry, what conclusions would the children draw? Would they have begun to question her truth? Maybe not. Perhaps they would have aligned with their mother and always hated me. Maybe nothing would have ever been good enough and I would have been miserable. How would they use what they learned from the three adults in their lives as they became teenagers? What I do know is that it never would have been the fairytale I wanted for myself or our children.

Dr. Harley, author and a founder of Marriagebuilders.com, talks about how an extra-marital affair can affect the children:

There
are
two
things
that
children
learn
from
an
affair.
One
is
that
it’s
alright
to
lie,
because
they
see
their
parent
not
only
lying
about
the
affair,
but
also
encouraging
them
to
lie
for
them.
And
also
develop
an
ethic
that
says
under
certain
conditions,
it’s
OK
not
to
tell
the
truth.
The
other
thing
that
they
learn
is
that
it’s
OK
to
be
thoughtless.
It’s
OK
to
do
something
that’s
good
for
you
and
bad
for
the
people
that
love
you
most.
It
sets
them
up
for
a
lifetime
of
failure
because
they
don’t
learn
two
of
life’s
most
important
principals:
honesty
and
thoughtfulness.
They
learn
that
the
opposite
is
OK.
⁹

Though the chances of bliss are low for the mistress turned wife, the odds are not so bleak for the husband and wife who are rekindling their marriage and recovering from an affair. As husband and wife begin to heal the rupture in their marriage, the mistress becomes the scapegoat. The wife blames her. “We had such a sweet relationship,” says Karen. “Even if it had its troubles, it wasn’t so far gone that we were ready to let go of each other.” Adding, “It would have been one thing if we were falling apart and she let the downward spiral take its course and the marriage end on its own, but she wanted him
now
.” Obviously she holds the other woman more responsible for her husband’s philandering than him. It has worked for them though.

My friend Janet says, “I will never get to a place where I could say that the affair was a good thing, but I can say that in the end we are much stronger now.” After she first discovered Ian had been unfaithful, she was devastated. She called me at all hours of the night. But Ian immediately ended the affair and, with tremendous remorse, did everything possible to save his marriage. They phoned Kelly, his mistress, together, and he very abruptly told her it was over. He refused to take her phone calls and, when Kelly tried desperately to phone him at work, he had a third party answer and inform her not to contact him. He also informed Janet every time Kelly tried to contact him. He drove straight home from work every night, and his first words upon entering the door were “No contact” to ease her wondering. Janet and Ian sought marriage counseling, but even then, she vacillated between accepting her role in neglecting him and taking him for granted and her bitterness for all the ways he had taken her for granted and deceived her. She also wondered if she was strong enough to make it through.

They survived his affair by working together with a great deal of love. They were able to come to a place of compassion where, through Ian’s effort and remorse, Janet learned to let go. In many ways they are more united today then they were before. Although Ian’s mistress told Janet that he had called her his soul mate, Ian told Janet, “Even if our marriage had ended, I wouldn’t have been with Kelly, anyway.” Many therapists report that, sadly enough for the other woman, most men tell their therapist the affair meant nothing to him.

“The woman I was seeing believed I was going to leave my wife and marry her.” One man admitted. “I didn’t set her straight because I didn’t want her to stop seeing me. But I never planned to leave my wife. I knew I was leading her on.”

Gordon and Melissa were also able to recover from his affair. He broke it off immediately when he was faced with losing his wife. To this day, I have never heard a man speak so beautifully about the love he has for his wife and the good fortune he feels because she stayed with him. He suddenly discovered all the beauty he had within the walls of his home. He has never forgotten the price that he almost paid and has become a better husband. I cannot recall a time that I ever saw them so happy.

There is no need for me to fill these pages with stories of successful recoveries from affairs. There are plenty of them in books that line the shelves of book stores. Essentially, they say it may not seem like it right now, but most people who recover from an affair find that their relationship is stronger because they have weathered the storm together. Recovered marriages are stronger. Husbands and wives grow closer. They are secure and don’t worry about future infidelities if they work through things properly.

When a husband and wife choose to stay together after an affair, two outcomes are possible. Either they grow closer together in a more enriched and loving relationship where they discover better ways to communicate their needs to one another or he becomes a serial cheater. The marriage will be far better or much worse.

Seth, for example, married Bridget and they had children when they were both young. Over the course of fourteen years, he had many one-nighters and a couple of emotional affairs. Seth loved Bridget for their history together, for her sacrifices, and for their children. They shared some tough years, but Seth was never completely happy, never quite satisfied. But every time he strayed, Bridget took him back. She became less and less fun to deal with, however, and their home became filled with suspicion and arguing. He finally decided she was not pleasant to be around anymore. He couldn’t stand her hatefulness, which did nothing to keep him home but in fact made him go out more often. Bridget was a sure thing. She would never leave him. She gave him unconditional love. Eventually, however, Seth did leave Bridget, and now he lives with a woman with whom he seems truly enamored. But they have only been together for a short time. He still hurts for Bridget and responds with jealousy whenever he hears that she is dating someone new. Seth says he knew that he wanted out years ago. The delays and back and forthing just gave him and Bridget miserable, wasted years. I’d be willing to bet money, though, that if things don’t work out with the new gal, he’ll be back on Bridget’s doorstep, begging for another chance that she’ll probably give him.

Lance sweeps women off of their feet in a whirlwind romance. They fall head-first into infatuation. He’s always sure that this one is it. He has even gone so far as to purchase a few engagement rings. The moment “it” becomes real, however, Lance starts to withdraw. Many of his other women have given up a big part of their lives to be with him, and then they’re emotionally trapped. His friends hate meeting his girlfriends because they find it difficult to look them in the eye while peering into the crystal ball set on the table. There is no sense in telling any of them what usually happens in their situation because each one believes that she is different. They are damaged souls. They just don’t know it yet. His buddies refer to Lance as a Boot Camp Lancelot, because when a new recruit abandons the army immediately after boot camp, it’s called “a failure to adapt.” Lance can’t adapt to marriage. I guess some people are just born without the ability to grasp the concept of commitments they sign up for. What can anyone say to a man who doesn’t want to change?

We women have this funny knack for convincing ourselves that men will be different for us. That is, he will be better for me than he was toward you. It’s a me thing, not a
he
thing. Because I am
me,
he
will be different.

I know a dozen men who have remained married and continued to have affairs. Their wives refuse to leave them and forgive them time and again. Why should they change? They have the best of both worlds. They never have to care about how their behavior affects anyone else. As long as their wives refuse to walk out and their girlfriends think they love them, these guys will always get their cake and their Twinkie.