Being Amber (12 page)

She was a loose puddle, clinging to the feeling of joy Xander provided for her. She lay there alone, happy.

As time ticked by, Jaci’s body, and her senses came to her slowly.

No sex?

It felt like sex and something more. It felt like she gave him something from inside her. Relinquished her instinct of self-preservation and in doing so, she was completely defenseless against him now. She felt the familiar pang of sadness, the feeling of abandonment when she was in their bed alone. And it was felt more keenly this time.

* * * *

Xander shut himself in the bathroom. This endeavor challenged him to his highest limits, and they were a second away from total annihilation. His cock was rock hard for Jaci. It literally throbbed, throwing a tantrum and demanding satisfaction. He could no longer fool himself into thinking what he felt toward her was platonic. He was falling in love. He felt compelled to make her feel better, to provide the escape she so desperately needed. To make her world safe and…

He shook his head disappointed in himself as he shed his shorts and turned on the shower. He didn’t know if he could do this again without fucking her.

He absolutely refused to allow himself to fall in love and he had to make sure that she didn’t either. He didn’t want to hurt her. Enough of that had been done already.

Jordan was covering Jaci’s surveillance for the day. He had plenty of time on his hands. He needed a release of his own.

By the time he stepped out of the shower and wrapped the towel around his waist, he heard Jordan talking on the other side of the door. Shit. He hadn’t brought in any clean clothes with him.

Going commando under his shorts was his only option.

After a quick run of fingers through his hair, Xander left the bathroom and was met immediately by a disapproving glare from Jordan. She’d recognized the aftermath of his actions, and it was obvious she didn’t approve. He wasn’t surprised. She’d never suffered such soul searing pain. Never needed the catharsis, the shelter of oblivion. She didn’t truly understand the relief he’d provided Jaci. Trying to avoid Jordan’s chastising scowl, Xander walked over to Jaci who was still in bed. She’d cocooned herself in the blanket from chin to toe. He searched her with his eyes. Her cheeks were flushed. Leaning over, he met her gaze.

“How do you feel?”

She met his gaze with foggy eyes and then parted her dusky-pink, rose-petal lips and sighed.

She was coming back to herself nicely. He was satisfied that she’d feel good, numb, for a while. It was exactly what she wanted and needed.

“She needed it,” he said in Jordan’s direction before he escaped from the women through the apartment door, closing it behind him.

Xander entered the elevator and pressed the button for the seventh floor. When he arrived there, he walked the hall, looking into the open doorways. It only took about twenty steps before he found what he was looking for. He stood in the entrance, absorbing the scene in front of him. He’d been with this group of people many times before because there were no feelings, no love or commitment between the people in this group, just sex, demanding, almost animal in its expression. Several people stood against the back wall of the apartment, watching the writhing, sweaty bodies rutting against each other on the bed. There were more men than women in the heap of flesh.

Xander wasn’t interested in being with a man, but he couldn’t have joined in with the men even if he was. Being gay in New Atlanta was against the law. The citizens were constantly fed the propaganda that this was an “illness” needing eradication from the population. The “offense” of being gay was overlooked by the Amber police force. But as a cop he was still expected to abide by the laws in public.

From the other side of the room, Sasha held her hand out to him. She was in leather that pushed up her breasts and gave easy access to the short landing strip of hair at her cunt. She’d been watching, or more likely, waiting for the right situation. They were benefriends and she knew his needs well. There was scant romance in Xander’s sexual encounters and that was all right with Sasha. She liked rough.

With a few steps, she was on her knees in front of him, tugging down his shorts. A moment later his cock was consumed by the warm depths of her mouth. But there was no way he could withstand her talented mouth for long. He pulled Sasha up by her ponytail and bent her over the bed, holding her down with a heavy hand on her back.

Xander slipped his saliva-coated cock inside her and curled his body over hers, his abs conforming to the catlike curve of her back. He gripped each of her arms, holding them down on the bed. There was no warm up, no romance, just feral, reckless sex. He pounded into her, reaching around her body to stimulate her clit.

She begged for more of him when he came inside of her. He continued to pump his hips until she came, screaming her pleasure, as her body clutched and spasmed around his cock. The encounter took less than ten minutes.

“Thank you, my dear,” he whispered into her ear before he kissed the back of her neck and rolled away from her. Xander sat, looking away from the bodies woven together on the bed beside him.

Dread collected in his gut as he pulled his shorts on and left the room. This hadn’t worked. He walked away from it only slightly more relieved, but also more aware that, in his head, it was Jaci he’d fucked. Jaci’s cries that echoed in his ears. It was all Jaci.

Chapter 8

Her day had been perfect. What Xander did released all the pent-up emotions and stress she’d been battling. It drained right out of her. She couldn’t wait to see him and thank him for the relief. She couldn’t wait to talk to him about it, feel him out. She wanted to know if he had similar feelings for her or whether she was making something out of nothing. Had he done the same types of things with Diana? Somehow, she doubted it.

Most importantly, she wanted more of it. But when he arrived at the apartment later that night, and she had the opportunity to talk with him, she didn’t sense a change in the way he looked at her or acted around her. She had a hard time bringing it up after that. When Jaci realized that nothing had changed between them, that Xander immediately returned her back into the friendship category, she was crushed.

Confused and hurt, she wasn’t sure if she could play this game. She didn’t think she was strong enough. But she had too much pride to show even the slightest hint of what a sucker punch this return to friendship status was. And, because she seemed to have no self-respect at all, it was still easy to crawl into bed with him at the end of the night.

When Jaci opened her eyes to the sun in the morning, she was nervous. She had planned a day of exploring with Xander. He was supposed to take her through Circle City for the first time. But their “not sex” sex the morning before loomed over her. The day felt like a disaster waiting to happen because it was impossible for her not think about, and he seemed to have no clue as to what he’d actually accomplished. He’d flipped a switch within her.

She needed more of him, more of what he’d done.

Xander stopped in the doorway to the kitchen and leaned on the jamb, looking her up and down. “Come here,” he rumbled as he held his arms open, ready to close them around her when she went to him. Instead, she stood frozen in place for a moment. The pleading words that weighed heavy on her tongue were a breath away.

Again please. I need it again. I need you again.

She saw the command and control, the restraint he forced onto his face, into his eyes, as she reluctantly took the few steps into his arms. He wrapped them tightly around her and swept her off her feet, carrying her to the bed and cradling her on his lap. “What is it?”

She looked down, away from his searching gaze.

He sighed. “You were hurting, and my instinct was to make you feel better. I did that in the only way I know how. I want to be close to you, to be your friend and help you through this. I want you to know you’re safe with me.”

He sifted his fingers through her hair and she raised her gaze to his, fully knowing that all her feelings were there for him to read.

“You’re a beautiful woman and I’m not going to say I didn’t enjoy myself yesterday morning, because I did.” He paused as if trying to choose his words carefully, but the sinking feeling inside was already settling in. It didn’t matter how he worded it. There was a but coming.

“You and I will be living together a long time and having a relationship with you, a true bond, is more important to me, means more to me than sex. I can get sex anywhere and so can you. I want something different for us.” He took her chin and tilted her face toward his. “I have never had a girlfriend, never loved a woman in a romantic way, and I don’t intend to start. I like my life the way it is, uncomplicated.

“I’ll take care of you for as long as you need me to. And that includes doing what we did yesterday if I feel it’s what you need. And I will love you, already do really. But what you’re thinking…what you’re hoping for is not going to happen.

“You have to trust me. Have to trust that I know what’s best for both of us.”

Jaci lowered her gaze and turned her face away from him, swallowing hard because she was choking on her heartache. Devastated. She was absolutely devastated. She tried as hard as she could not to cry. She didn’t need to add humiliation to the long list of emotions she was dealing with. “Okay.”

Xander held her for several long minutes stroking her hair and holding her, before he gave her a couple of soft pats to the rear and stood, setting her on her feet. “Come on.”

He took her hand in the elevator on the way down to ground level and led her through the rear lobby. Her heart still soared when he touched her. No matter how rejected she felt and how it’s-not-happening he was, hope sprouted at his touch. She yearned to be the kind of woman he wanted, the kind of woman he could fall in love with.

Jaci’s breath caught in her throat when she exited the back entrance of building seventeen into Circle City. The perfectly landscaped courtyard was filled to the brim with mature trees, colorful flowers and a fountain. The ballads of songbirds mingled with the sound of trickling water and lifted her spirits. They stepped onto a winding path that held shady nooks with benches to stop and rest along the way.

“It’s nice, isn’t it?” Xander smiled at her reaction. “This green space is a complete ring. It juts up against every rear entrance of the Circle City buildings, leading from building to building, rimming the whole of the city. There are two main streets that cross, splitting the city into quadrants. Building seventeen is in the south quad. If you ever have to travel to a far end of the circle, you can grab a solar cart to drive. But, the only place carts are allowed is on the two main streets. The north-south street, which is over there,” Xander pointed, “is Peachtree Street. The east-west street that dissects Peachtree Street in the center of the city is Marietta Street. They walked together on the courtyard path until it met Peachtree, and then started making their way north toward the center of the city.

There were no cars, busses or trucks. No pollution. Solar carts zoomed quietly by on the paved paths that were surrounded by beautifully manicured vine covered trellises and flowers of every kind. Bridges arched over koi ponds and beautiful shade trees provided shelter from the New Atlanta sun on well-manicured grass. The feel was reminiscent of the kind of small town main street seen in some of the old TV shows from the last century. There were shop windows to look through and outdoor cafes to stop and rest. Circle City was a perfectly hidden secret within the twenty-eight ugly buildings that created its perimeter.

“I don’t understand how it can be so gorgeous here. I expected it to be like the rest of Amber.”

“We don’t need a thing from the Gov to grow gardens. It’s something we have control over. Ambers in Circle City take pride in what they have here. It’s a simple joy to be surrounded by beauty, but every little thing helps and everybody works to keep it special.

Xander still held Jaci’s hand as they crisscrossed the circular perfection. She watched the efficient bustle of men and women in grey uniforms emptying trash, sweeping walks and caring for the landscape. Hand in hand, they strolled the morning away, passing shops, restaurants, the recreation complex, and dance clubs. When they decided to stop and figure out the rest of their day, they chose a table shaded by an oversize umbrella on the patio of cute bistro. They sat together in the shade, smiling and relaxed with a moment of awkwardness before Xander spoke.

“So, do you want to go to Tri-C to sign up for classes?”

“Tri-C?”

“Circle City College. All the courses are online, but you would have to register for classes at the administration office. It’s not too far from here.”