Being Amber (7 page)

Their eyes met again. He was doing it on purpose, trying to catch her gaze. Instinctively, she looked away. Her face flushed. He was an intense man. When he looked at her like that, she felt like he knew every secret in her soul. She liked it. In that moment, she wanted him to look at her like that for the rest of her life.

Jaci glanced at Caroline, who rolled her eyes again. “Okay, get on out of here, Xander. Jaci has to clean up and change. She’s had enough of you for now.” Caroline shooed him away toward the door.

“Let me grab my clothes, jeez,” he said, ducking away from her. “I’m going to take a shower at your place,” he grumbled over his shoulder as he grabbed his clothes and strode out the door. Jaci’s gaze followed him all the way. He was magnificent to look at and as she watched him go, something inside her shifted. Suddenly she wanted more of him. She needed him to come back.

“Now listen.” Caroline’s voice intruded on the longing that started to develop inside her. “We have a few more things to cover before tonight.”

That caught her attention. “What do you mean ‘before tonight’?”

A knock sounded at the door, and Caroline walked over to let Jordan in. The hallway was crowded with people.

“What’s going on out there?” Jaci asked.

“There’s a bigger gathering than usual because people have been wanting to come in,” she said, closing the door and walking back over to the bed. “Our open way of living is literally that. Open. When we’re home, we usually leave our front doors open. People come in and visit, watch a movie, eat, talk, sleep. You literally are never alone here. Most people stick to roaming their own building and you’ll get to know the people on your own floor the best.

“Let’s put it this way,” Jordan said. “If your door is closed, you’re either not home, showering or doing the nasty. And a lot of people don’t even close their doors for that. You could spend a year here and never sleep in your own bed if you didn’t want to.”

“That explains the crowd I walked through when I left for the Center yesterday morning. People were touching me when I walked by. I didn’t even realize they were doing it on purpose.” Jaci shook her head in understanding. “So, people are waiting for me to open the door so they can just come in here?”

“Yep.”

Jaci’s heart beat faster with anxiety.

“You suddenly look nervous,” Jordan said.

“I am. Meeting large amounts of people…I don’t know…is intimidating. Especially when I look like this.” She motioned to herself.

“You won’t be alone. We’ll be here. And we’ll fix you up. You’ll look luscious.” Caroline winked at her.

Jaci rolled her eyes. “I don’t think I’ve ever looked luscious.” She laughed, and it felt weird to laugh so soon after the events of the past day.

“You might as well get used to people seeing you
au naturelle
. We’re one big family here with a lot of brothers and sisters,” Caroline said. “I think I have probably seen every person in this building in their pajamas. Hell, I’ve probably slept with at least half.” She paused. “When I say sleep, I mean sleep…you know that right?”

Jaci smiled. “Yes. I get it. I want to take a shower. I feel stinky, and I’m dying to wash my hair.”

“Oh,” Jordan said standing up. “I’m getting a com. I have to take this. I’ll be back ladies,” she said as she slipped out the door.

“Can you manage the shower on your own?” Caroline asked while helping Jaci to her feet.

“I think so.”

Caroline eyed her for a few moments. “Okay. You got anything to change into?”

“Not really,” Jaci said, walking the last few steps to the bathroom.

“While you’re in the shower, I’ll find something for you to wear. When you get out we’ll get you in some clean clothes, put some food into you and take it from there. Sound good?”

Jaci nodded and shuffled to the bathroom. After closing herself in, she turned on the shower and then released the strings at the neck of the paper gown she wore. She was so glad to get out of that crinkly reminder of the sterilization. She wadded it up into a ball and tossed it into the can. Pulling the curtain back, she stepped into the shower and stood with the spray hitting her back. The hot steam felt good. She felt…good? She wouldn’t go that far. But, she was hopeful. She already felt like she had a place where she belonged.

Maybe she could withstand the loss of her old life.

The loss of her fertility.

The loss of her family.

“Shit.” Bowing her head, she groaned. As soon as she started thinking, she started hurting all over again. The rush of feelings swarmed her, erasing any hope she’d accumulated that day. The longer she stood under the spray, the more she felt like someone ripped her insides out and left a hole there. Stark emptiness swam around inside her. Jaci got down on her knees in the tub and curled herself up in a ball, letting the hot spray sting her back. The waterfall of her dark hair created a dim, wet sanctuary for her face.

It was true. There was something in the touching and acceptance that eased her. It was the times she was alone when misery attacked, devouring all the emotional progress she’d made. This was all an illusion. She knew nobody cared about her, loved her here. It was impossible. She’d only been in Amber for a day. But she supposed pretending that someone cared for her made life bearable right now. Being connected with other people kept her from collapsing in on herself, from becoming a shell of skin with nothing of value inside. It helped her feel not so alone. It distracted her from suicide.

She inhaled the hot, wet air wafting around her face and then released a shuddering breath. The shower spray needled her back from the jets hitting the same place for so long. She shifted slightly to relieve the sting. If only it were that easy to dull the other pains.

In these silent moments, she felt too much, way too much. The emotions were caustic, like acid eating through her heart. She’d do anything to make the hollow loneliness that swam around inside of her subside. Caroline told her she didn’t ever have to be alone in Amber unless she wanted to. In that moment, she didn’t want to.

She called out. “Caroline?” There was only silence.

Then the bathroom door opened

“Caroline’s not here. You okay?” It was Xander.

Jaci wasn’t expecting him to be there. “Yeah,” She struggled to sound normal. “I’m just being pathetic. I’m fine.” She heard the click of the door close and sighed.

So much for not being alone
.

She knew it was essential to get up and face the world. It was time to embark on her new life even if she forced herself to do it. The pity party she was currently throwing for herself wasn’t helping anything.

Jaci flinched at the unexpected contact of a hand on her back.

“Come on, I’ll help you out.” Xander’s raspy voice caressed her ears.

She lifted her head to look up at him, and a screen of wet, tangled hair stuck to her face. The spray of the water stopped. The bathroom fell silent.

“I can do it,” Jaci whispered shakily.

“Yes. But you don’t have to.” With the soft warmth of a towel draped over her back and a firm grip on each side of her, he lifted her, unfolding her until she stood. Xander’s gentle touch brought her to the verge of tears. He drew her into his arms and held her there.

Chapter 5

“Don’t be embarrassed,” Xander whispered into Jaci’s ear as she made an attempt to hide her body from him. With shaking hands she groped for the edges of the towel, trying to pull it around herself to hide behind. He lifted her onto the counter next to the sink. “Your body is beautiful,” he whispered, as he watched her violent blushing clash with her silent plea to be held. The fact that she was already suffering from the absence of physical contact was undeniable. She needed it as much as she needed the air that rushed in and out of her lungs. She sat for only a second, then hid from his scrutiny by leaning into him and resting her forehead on his chest. Her breathing was deep and ragged as she tried to pull herself together. “I’ve got you, sweet Jaci. We’ll do this together.” He wrapped his arms around her and stroked her back, expecting her to cry. She didn’t.

For long minutes in the steamy silence of the bathroom, she didn’t say a word. With her head resting on his chest, sheltering herself with his body, she took cover from the world They were a still life, the jaded and the lost making a connection, trying to make their lives a little less brutal, helping each other survive. Xander closed his eyes as he attempted to choke down his fury and did the only thing any Amber male ever did to help an Amber female, touch her…love her.

He felt as if he was experiencing firsthand the helpless rage that the first Amber men experienced during the mass sterilizations of their women. Those men possessed little control over anything in their lives. They were acutely aware of the fact they couldn’t stop the Gov from victimizing them, and they couldn’t take away their women’s pain. So they did the only thing they could do, give them pleasure. And now he felt that compulsion too. He wanted to make Jaci feel better, to counteract her pain.

Xander was dragged back to the present by the subtle shaking of Jaci’s shivers. He grabbed another towel and dried her hair, brushing it away from her face, and then he dried the skin she didn’t have covered. He smoothed the towel slowly over her damp, chilled body. She was slumped over and, he suspected, purposely not meeting his gaze.

Jaci’s innocence and modesty about her body was refreshing. It was an odd departure from the women who grew up in Amber and lost that sweet self-consciousness about their bodies at an early age. With the new parenting philosophy his generation was raised with, encouraging touch and physical openness, sex became a natural extension of that. Girls were used to being touched at an earlier age, and by the time boys in Xander’s generation became men, they were exceptionally skilled at giving pleasure with their touch. Most boys were adept at bringing a girl to orgasm with their hands by age fifteen, and with their dicks by eighteen. As the men got older, many learned the fine art of blending pleasure and pain–of manipulating hormones and endorphins to create a state of total abandon and euphoria for their women in Amber. As a result of the Repopulation Laws, Amber men were possibly the most skilled lovers in the history of the human race. Jaci hadn’t grown up with any of this, he reminded himself. She was unaccustomed to being touched all the time. Xander felt his hackles go up. She was probably a virgin. How was he supposed to protect that?

“You’re the one who found me?”

“Yeah, sweetie, I did.”

“Why didn’t you just let me die?” she whispered.

“Because you’re mine to take care of now.” He leaned in close so that his lips were brushing her ear. “It’s okay to stumble and fall. I’ll be here to catch you. I’ll take care of you Jaci, I promise.” Xander squeezed the words out through a tight throat. “Come on, I’m taking you back to bed.” He lifted her carefully, as if she’d disintegrate and fall to pieces in his arms, and hugged her close to comfort her, instinctively knowing it was what she needed.

He sat on the edge of the bed, settled her in his lap and tucked her into him, wrapping his arms around her to keep her warm and let her know she was safe. After a few beats of stillness, Jaci started shaking her head. Almost imperceptibly at first, but within seconds, a sob escaped her. “I can’t…” She looked him in the eye as tears spilled onto her cheeks. “I can’t do this. She looked at her lap again as her shoulders shook with heavy racking sobs. “It hurts to be alone in the world, to be forced to start your life over again. There’s nothing to look forward to. They took everything from me, including my dreams.

“I don’t want this. Let me die next time,” she cried. “Please. Please,” she sobbed. “I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to feel it anymore.”

“That’s enough,” Xander growled. “I don’t want to hear any more of this. I’m going to take care of you, Jaci. I’ll help you chase the pain away. We’ll do it together.”

He was determined to be the crutch that propped her up and helped her through this, carrying her past it to the other side, settled and stable.

Jaci curled up into a ball in Xander’s lap. He rocked her, peppering light kisses on her temple, cheek, and hair until her tears dried up. When he finally released her from the cradle of his arms, he settled her into bed. “Okay?” He looked directly into her eyes, tried to read her level of comfort, her unspoken thoughts and feelings. She returned his gaze with round eyes. He couldn’t glimpse any other emotion. They were flat with no glimmer of life in them. They were as dead as she wanted to be.

He walked over to the small table for two and sat in one of the chairs with his back against the wall. Seconds later, Caroline flitted into the room like an excited hummingbird, clothes in hand and ready for her task. She walked over to the bed and handed Jaci a pale yellow, silky nightshirt. “I love the feel of this one against my skin. It makes me feel pampered,” she said.