Behind Her Smile (24 page)

After hanging up, she went to tell her grandmother. “Mom and I are going for coffee.”

“That’s nice, dear,” Sheila replied with a warm smile.

Rick looked up from his laptop. “How was your meeting?” he asked.

“It was okay. I’m not a hundred percent sure I’m going on the trip, though.”

“Really? Why?” he asked.

“Lots of reasons. Just some stuff I need to think about first.”

Her grandmother gave her a serious look, and Madison could tell she was onto her. “Don’t pass up something you’ll regret later,” she told Madison. “The past is in the past.”

Madison just shrugged. “Yeah, okay. Well, I’m still thinking about it. I signed up for now. But they don’t order the airline tickets for a few more months.”

Sheila started to say something else, but Rick put his hand on his wife’s and said, “I’m sure you’ll make the right decision, Madison.”

A moment later, the toot of a horn out front signaled Michelle’s arrival. “Gotta run,” Madison said. “See ya later.”

As she climbed into her mother’s van, Michelle reached over and gave her a hug. “It’s so good to see you, sweetheart. We really miss you.”

“I miss you, too,” she said automatically, and then realized she really did. A yearning washed over her, but she quickly squelched it. If her mother knew the truth, she wouldn’t be so eager to have Madison back home. She’d raised her to know better, and Madison had chosen to live a lie and compromise on things that her mom had clearly taught her would lead to regret. At least her grandmother knew everything and still loved her.

“Grandma said you were at church,” Michelle said.

“Yeah. The high school mission trip meeting,” she replied. “But I’m probably not going,” she added hastily.

Her mother glanced over for a moment, revealing a hurt expression. “I see.”

Why do I have to be such a jerk to her, Madison thought. I’m the one who messed up, not her.

Once again attempting conversation, her mother asked, “So have you had a chance to spend any time with Luke?”

Just the mention of his name brought a longing to Madison’s heart. “A little. I had dinner with his family the night he got home.”

If Michelle already knew about that, her face didn’t give it away. “That’s great. I know Kelly and Ben are so happy to have him here for the holidays.”

“Yeah,” Madison agreed. “Lucy and the rest of the kids, too.”

Her mother nodded and maneuvered the car into the lot in front of the Coffee Stop. After parking and getting their coffees, they settled into a booth in back. “So what are your plans for Christmas?” Michelle asked.

Madison looked up and saw the pain in her mother’s eyes. Shrugging, she replied, “I don’t know. What do you want me to do?”

Immediately her mother put her hand over Madison’s. With tears in her eyes, she said, “I really want you to come home. We all do. We’re a family, and we belong together.”

“You might not feel that way after you find out everything,” Madison replied. “I’m not the perfect girl you raised me to be, Mom.”

Her mother’s face looked stunned. “Honey,
none
of us are perfect. Me especially. There’s nothing you could ever do that would make me not want you. Nothing.” She held Madison’s gaze unwaveringly.

Suddenly Madison was the one with the tears. Her mom came around to her side of the booth and slid in, wrapping her arms around her and holding her close while the dam broke open and all of Madison’s heartache and regret poured out. “Oh, Mom. I’m so ashamed,” she said between sobs. Bit by bit, the truth tumbled out until all the secrets lay bare before her mother. Not once did Michelle look appalled. It was only sorrow Madison saw in her mother’s eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” Michelle said, rocking Madison in her arms. “Oh, my sweet, sweet girl. I’m so very sorry.”

Madison was taken aback by her mother’s words. Pulling back, she looked up at Michelle’s face and saw tears streaming down her cheeks. “Mom? Are you okay?”

Her mother shook her head. “I feel responsible, Madison. Your father and I had concerns about Miles from the very beginning. We tried to protect you, but clearly, we needed to do more.”

Hardly believing her ears, Madison said, “Mom, this is
not
yours and Dad’s fault. I made my own choices. And no matter what you would have said or done, Miles and I would have found a way to be alone together. So don’t ever think that way.”

Michelle gave her a sad smile as she carefully guided Madison’s hair off of her face. “Oh, Maddie,” she paused and then added, “you’re becoming a very wise young woman, you know that?”

“Took me long enough,” Maddie replied with a half grin. The tremendous weight of her secret had been lifted, and the relief was almost euphoric.

The next day, Madison moved back home, just in time to help her family select their Christmas tree.

Four generations of women sat together around the little table in Joan’s apartment. She’d been looking forward to her annual Christmas tea party for months. The table was draped in a festive holly print tablecloth with a decorative teapot serving as a vase for some white roses surrounded by tiny glass votive candles. The teacart that had been the first piece of real furniture she’d bought after marrying Phil those many years ago held the steaming teapot of vanilla cinnamon tea and a tray of assorted tea sandwiches and scones. Finally, a small crystal bowl cradled the sweet whipped cream to garnish the pastries.

“Everything looks so yummy,” Madison said, as she took her seat between her mother and grandmother. Under the table, she tugged at her short skirt, bringing it as close to her knees as it would go.

“You’ve outdone yourself again, Grandma,” Michelle added, giving Joan a hug before joining her daughter at the table.

Sheila popped up and disappeared into the kitchen, returning with a box of matches. She proceeded to light the votives, adding a flickering glow to the atmosphere. “There,” she said. “Now we are really ready to begin.” Then helping her mother into her seat, Sheila sat down, too.

Joan looked around the circle and smiled.
What a treasure these girls are to me,
she thought. And suddenly she felt as if she might begin to cry.
No time for tears, you silly old woman,
she chided herself. Then, reaching toward her daughter and granddaughter, she said, “Shall we pray?”

The four women joined hands as Joan asked the blessing. “Dear Heavenly Father, it is with full hearts that we thank You for this time together.” She paused to clear her throat and the emotion in her voice. “At this most special time of year, when we get ready to celebrate the birth of Your Son, we treasure our family so very much.” Thoughts of her dear Phil, who was celebrating yet another Christmas face-to-face with God, rushed into her mind. Then she rallied herself and finished her prayer with, “Please bless this food to the nourishment of our bodies and this fellowship to the encouragement of our souls. In Jesus’ name, amen.”

Sheila was immediately on her feet again, taking the teapot around the table and serving all of them. Next, she served the sandwiches and scones, followed by the sweet cream. Then, taking her seat again, they all began enjoying the delicious tea and treats.

“I’m so glad you do this every year, Grandma,” Michelle said. “It helps me get refocused after the final hectic week at school before the break.”

Madison agreed. “It’s like this is the kick off to Christmas,” she said with a grin.

“I’m just glad you girls have time for it,” Joan said, her heart warmed by their comments. “Remember when we used to do this with the neighborhood moms and their daughters?” she asked Sheila.

“Of course I do, Mom. It was the big hit of the season.” She took a bite of her scone and added, “especially these. Christmas tea was the only time you made the cranberry scones, and everyone loved them so much.” She glanced over to Michelle and Madison. “Tea parties were your Grandma Joan’s specialty. We had one about every two to three months to celebrate some occasion. She’d make blueberry scones or cinnamon scones, but the cranberry ones were always for Christmas.”

Joan smiled as she thought back to birthday parties, end of the school year gatherings, and lazy summer afternoon teas with her friends and their daughters. Life had been good to them, and her heart was full of the blessing of sweet memories.

As they enjoyed their party, she reflected on how each of them had changed and grown over the years. Sheila was now well into her sixties, yet she had the fresh glow of love from her recent marriage to Rick. Michelle was a seasoned teacher, and her daughter was becoming a young woman.
I must be very old,
she thought to herself.
But inside, I don’t feel all that different. I can still remember clearly the rush of new love, the joy of becoming a mother, and the ministry of being a pastor’s wife.

“Mom?” Sheila’s voice interrupted her thoughts.

“Yes?”

“You look like you’re deep in thought.”

All eyes were on her. Joan smiled and sighed. “I’m just thinking about how blessed my life has been.” She reached over and patted her daughter’s hand, noticing a shadow in Madison’s countenance. “I heard your friend Luke is home from college,” she said to Maddie with a smile.

Madison nodded, but her face did not light up the way Joan had expected.
I guess we will be spending some more time together over that sweet one tonight, Lord,
she thought silently.

Although her vision was fading, and she’d had to give up her volunteering at the elementary school, God had replaced it with a vibrant prayer ministry. What a blessing to know that she still had a purpose, even as she stepped into her nineties. Prayer was something she’d always be able to do.

So many of her family members were busy with work or school or other life demands. But she could faithfully carry their needs and concerns to the throne of grace on a daily basis. The only thing that would be better would be to have Phil there by her side, leading them both in their intercessions. But, even though she could not see him, she suspected he was actually doing just that from the other side of the veil. And it gave her great peace and joy each time she went to prayer.

After the tea party was over, Sheila offered to give Madison a ride home, since Michelle had some Christmas errands to run. The three of them helped Joan clear the table and do the dishes, and Sheila made sure the candles were out before they left. It was likely Joan would take her afternoon nap once they were gone, and she’d forgotten about lit candles in the past.

On the way home, Sheila asked, “So how are things going with Luke?”

“What do you mean?” Madison replied.

“I mean between the two of you. You do like him, right?” She hoped she wasn’t overstepping her bounds, but she and Michelle were both concerned and wondering where Madison stood with him now.

“It doesn’t matter how I feel,” Madison replied.

“Why would you say that? He seems like he really cares about you, honey.”

“He might care about me, but not the way you think, Grandma. And even if he did, I could never go there. Not now.”

Sheila glanced over at her. Regret—it was so toxic. She hated to see her granddaughter drowning in it. “You know, Maddie, none of us are perfect. Even Luke.”

Madison nodded. “Yeah. But I’m not talking about being perfect. I’m talking about the kind of girl Luke deserves, and it’s not me.”

“But shouldn’t you let Luke decide that?” Sheila asked.

“Could we just drop this, please, Grandma? I know you mean well, but there’s no way it could ever work between Luke and me. Okay?”

An arrow pierced Sheila’s heart as she realized the victory darkness had won in Madison’s heart and mind.
Oh please, Lord. Help her find her way out of this sea of self-condemnation and worthlessness.

They rode in silence for the last few minutes. Then Madison reached over and gave her a hug before getting out of the car. “I love you, Grandma. I’m sorry if I was short with you. It’s just hard for me to talk about Luke right now. Maybe it’ll be easier after he goes back to school.”

Sheila nodded. “I understand, honey. Just don’t short sell yourself. God still loves you as much as He ever did, and so do I.”

“I know,” she replied, “and I’m really thankful for that.” But her voice did not sound convinced.

That night over dinner, Rick could see that Sheila wasn’t herself. “Are you feeling alright, sweetheart?” he asked.

Sheila looked up at him and replied, “Yeah. I’m fine. I’m just worried about Maddie.” She paused and then added, “She’s so down on herself.”

He put his hand over hers. “She’s young. Give her time. I think eventually she’ll snap out of it.” He hoped his words sounded reassuring. There was a fine art to this husband thing, and he was still trying to find his way.

“I was really hoping Luke’s homecoming for Christmas might do the trick,” Sheila continued, “But she’s totally closed off to the possibility of anything ever developing between them.”

Oh. I see where this is going,
he reflected silently. “So you were hoping they’d become a couple, right?”

“Don’t you remember how cute they were together when Madison was in junior high?” she asked, her voice sounding almost defensive.

What do I say now?
“Of course I do. But things change. They’re both older now, especially Luke. Going off to college is a big step in maturity. A high school girl may seem pretty young to him at this point.”

“If that was all it was about, I’d be fine. But this is about Madison thinking she’s not worthy of a guy like Luke.” She looked him in the eye and added, “She drowning in regret, honey.”

He nodded. Rubbing his hand over his face he thought about the situation. “You tried to talk to her about it, right?”

“Yes. But she cut off the conversation.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

His wife took his hand. “Just help me pray for her. There’s something in me that just says those two belong together. I don’t know exactly why. But I can’t shake it.”

“Prayer I can do,” he replied, relieved to have a direction to take.

They joined their hearts in a prayer of intercession for Sheila’s granddaughter, Rick hoping his words would match the fervency he could see his wife was feeling about Madison’s troubles. And then Sheila reached over and placed her hand on his cheek. “I love you, Rick,” she said in a voice that told him he’d met her need.

“And I love you, my beautiful wife,” he replied, standing and pulling her up and into his arms. They kissed and Rick felt his body responding to hers. “Shall we turn in early tonight?” he asked.

She smiled and replied, “I just need to clear off these dishes and then I’m ready.”

“How about if I do the dishes in the morning?” he asked with a wink.

“Promise?”

“I promise,” he replied as he took her hand and led her to their room.

Joan was about to climb into bed when she remembered she’d wanted to say a special prayer for her great granddaughter. Knowing that she’d likely drift off into dreamland if she prayed after she got under the covers, she sat down on the edge of the mattress and gazed at a photo of Phil on the nightstand as she began to pray. Her heart filled with love, she felt the power of God surge through her veins as she began to intercede for Madison.