Before You: Standalone Contemporary Romance (21 page)

“Milly...” I didn’t want to answer that. Not when lives were in doubt. It was too trivial.

“I’m serious. Out of all those movies, what did you learn?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know – don’t build smart robots.”

She rolled her eyes. “No, chica. People will do anything for the people they love. And those men, they love us. They’re coming back. Believe it.”

With a deep breath that I had to force into my lungs, I nodded my head, keeping my eyes locked with her pale, but hopeful eyes.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

She ran her hand over my hair lightly. “If I can’t get you through the mother of all panic attacks, then I don’t have the right to call myself your best friend. Now, let’s see if the doctor will let you go home so we can watch inspiring movies, play board games, and ingest loads of chocolate and wine while we wait for that call.”

Nodding, I returned the squeeze of her hand as she let go and exited the room to find someone. Then I rolled over onto my back and took another deep breath, placing my hands on my forehead as I tried to calm myself by focusing on different things around the room – anything to keep the horrific images, all colored red, from pushing to the surface of my mind.

––––––––

E
ach day dragged slowly into the next. At first, we tried to pass the time at home, taking more emergency time off work, risking our jobs, because in the mist of our fear, we were incapable of concentrating. I went to my therapist. I cried until my eyes were sore and swollen.

Breathe.

The days stretched out and turned into a week without any new information. I lived with a tightness in my chest, a scream that was clawing to get out. Everything ached. I just wanted him back.

It was not knowing that was the hardest.

“They probably just can’t get a flight,” Milly assured me. She was applying lilac concealer under her eyes to hide the dark circles created from worry and lack of sleep. She’d decided that she needed to go back to work to try and distract herself, and was trying to get me to go along as well.

Pressing my lips together, I leaned against the doorway of the bathroom watching her apply her makeup. Anxiously, I pulled at the hem of the vintage T-shirt I’d been living in because it smelled like André. I lifted the neck of it to my nose and inhaled, realizing that it now smelled more like me than him. A pang of longing struck through my center and stung the backs of my eyes.

“Why haven’t we heard anything, Milly? Why don’t they have any answers? This not knowing is driving me crazy. I don’t know whether to be patient or to mourn or to...god, I don’t know how to act or feel right now. I just feel stuck, and I want to scream out my frustration and punch holes in the walls. I keep expecting one of those horrible head chopping videos to turn up in the news. I’m so scared for them.”

Placing her tube of foundation on the counter, she turned to me and placed her hands on my upper arms.

“Willa. I love you like a sister. But you need to stop this. You need to stop giving up. That feeling inside you – those doubts in your mind – I need you to tell them to fuck off. Because honey, I can’t keep being your rock and mine too.
I need you
. I’m panicking inside just as much as you are. I’m just not going to let it get the better of me until I know for sure that those boys are safe. And they are safe, I feel it in my heart. What does your heart tell you, Willa?”

I shook my head. “It just keeps whispering his name.”

She nodded her head. “That’s because it’s calling him home. Now...” She pulled me into the bathroom and stood me in front of the mirror. “Focus on that big ball of doubt you’ve got sitting in your gut, and tell it to fuck off.”

“OK,” I said with a sigh, nodding my head, knowing I needed to keep waiting and keep hoping.

“Not ‘OK’, Willa. ‘Fuck off’. I want you to say it out loud.”

I felt silly and shifted on my feet. “Milly...”

Her hands tightened around my arms. “Do it, Willa.”

I released a sigh and lifted my eyes to look at my reflection. For a second, my breath caught in my throat. I didn’t realize I looked so bad. My dark hair was a tangled mess and the circles under my blue eyes stretched low into my cheeks. My usually clear complexion was mottled and almost yellow. My full lips a cracked white. If I walked onto the set of The Walking Dead, they’d think I was an extra.

“Fuck off,” I said to the grief-stricken woman in the mirror. She was so sure that her life was destined for destruction that she believed her happiness would be taken from her.

“Again,” Milly said, pushing gently.

“Fuck off!” I called it out a little louder.

The strangest thing happened – my heart beat a little faster, and I saw some pink bloom in my cheeks.

That girl in the mirror could fuck off. The harder my heart beat, the louder it called André’s name. It felt sure and strong in my chest. I glanced at Milly, and a small smile kicked up the corner of my mouth.

“That’s good. One more time. Yell it. We’ll do it together.”

She shifted to stand beside me and took a hold of my hand. Together, we looked into the mirror, took a deep breath and yelled at the top of our lungs.

“
FUCK OFF!
”

Laughter.

Color in our cheeks.

A sparkle in our eyes.

A lighter feeling within our bodies.

And hearts that called out names.

An-dré. An-dré. An-dré...

***

D
espite our bathroom screaming, the nagging doubt still remained. I didn’t want it, and I tried to focus on the beating of my heart – An-dré, An-dré – as I went through an article about women’s health checks and when you should get them, marking all the facts and making sure they were correct and not pulled verbatim from some website.

Milly had been right in suggesting we go back to work. Despite the fact there was a very real possibility that we could get fired from taking so much time off – me more so than Milly – it was good to keep my mind busy.

Somewhere around lunchtime, I heard my cell phone vibrating from within my desk drawer, and I pulled it out, swiping my finger against the glass screen to answer the blocked number.

“Willa Henderson,” I answered formally, expecting it to be a work call, but hoping it was news.

“Ma’am, this is Staff Sergeant Cleary of the US Army. I’m calling to inform you that your brother, David Henderson, was involved in an incident at one of our facilities.”

“Is he all right?” I asked in a rush, pushing back my chair as I stood up straight. I was desperate to know.

“He’s injured ma’am, but he’s going to be just fine. He’s recovering at Fort Irwin in the Army Hospital here.”

“Oh thank god.” The relief I felt flooded my body and caused me to shake. “And André Bauer? Is he there too?”

“I’m sorry, ma’am, I can’t disclose that information.”

“What do you mean? I’m his girlfriend. He lives with me. He was traveling with Dave. Surely you can at least say whether he’s there, and if he’s OK.”

“I’m sorry, ma’am. I can only notify his next of kin. Thank you for your time.”

“Wait!” I yelled into my cell as the sound of the call disconnecting clicked in my ear. My hands went to my head, and I threw my phone across the room in frustration. “Shit! Fucking shit!”

Milly appeared in front of me with my cell in her hand. “Was that about Dave?” she asked, hope quivering her voice.

I turned to her and lowered my arms, taking my phone from her hand. “Yeah,” I smiled, happy that we had some news. “He’s OK, Milly. He’s at the army hospital in Fort Irwin.”

Her hands when to her mouth as she gasped, immediate tears of happiness sprang to her eyes. “Thank god. Thank you, Lord.” She crossed herself and held her hands together, looking up as the relief seemed to come off her in waves.

“We should go out there. I’m sure he’ll be more than happy to see you.”

She nodded happily, any worry about walking out of work and annoying Vivienne any further wasn’t even a consideration. “I’ll get my purse.”

Then she stopped and turned back to me. “What about André?”

I kept the smile on my face as my eyes began to swim. I shrugged. “They wouldn’t say. I’m not family.”

She placed her hand on my shoulder. “I’m sure he’s there. If Dave is there, I’m sure he is too.”

Nodding, I pulled my bag out of my drawer and dropped my cell inside. “Let’s get out there and find out,” I said, praying silently that she was right, and that he was there. I didn’t know what I’d do if he wasn’t.

––––––––

F
ort Irwin Road stretched for miles through a seemingly endless desert plain. It wasn't until we were almost on top of the Army training base, where the hospital was located, that we started to see signs of life.

“His name is David Henderson. I was contacted earlier and told he was here. I’m his sister.”

The soldier checked his clipboard with a frown then held out his hand. “ID.”

I handed him my license. Scrutinizing it for a while, he looked from it to me then handed it back before turning his attention to Milly.

“And you are?”

Milly looked at me nervously. “Milagros Torres.”

“And your relationship with Mr Henderson is?”

“I’m his girlfriend.”

The soldier handed her back her ID. “I’m sorry ma’am, it says family only.”

Milly’s eyes went wide as she looked at me, silently begging for my help. I remembered her saying that she needed me to be there for her too, and I linked arms with her then looked back at the soldier.

“Please, sir. She
is
family to us. Dave will want to see her more than he wants to see me. We won’t be any trouble, we just need to see that he’s OK. We've been worrying ourselves sick for over a week.
Please
.”

There was a softness behind his brown eyes as he gazed upon both myself and Milly. He’d probably seen this a thousand times, but he still had compassion toward us, as he seemed to consider our plight. “Let me make a call and see what I can do.”

He moved to the side and picked up the receiver before dialing and I strained my ears to hear. I couldn’t really make out what he as saying, but I heard the word ‘civilian’ and hoped that was a good thing.

“You can come through,” he said, handing us our visitor passes before instructing us on the path to take to find Dave's bed.

I thanked him and hesitated before following his instructions. “Can I ask after another patient – André Bauer? He should have been brought in with David. They were traveling together.”

He shook his head. “I'm sorry, ma’am. I can't give out information on other patients.”

Heaviness weighed deep in my gut as I pressed my lips into a smile. “Thanks anyway.”

Milly slipped her arm into the crook of mine as we headed in the direction we were told. “I'm sure he’s here.  Dave will know where he is.”

I swallowed hard, trying to hide my fear and disappointment as I nodded and patted her hand. “I'm sure he is.”

An-dré. An-dré

***

“T
here he is!” The happiness in Milly's voice caused me to smile as she rushed toward Dave's bed. He was in a room with a few others, curtains drawn between their beds for privacy. Seeing him lying in a hospital bed made him seem smaller than he normally did. I wasn't used to seeing my big brother hurt.

And he was hurt. There were bandages across his cheek on the left side, and his left arm was bandaged up to the shoulder.

“Hey you,” he lifted his good arm to catch Milly as she ran for him, and I watched them embrace. “I missed you so much, beautiful one.”

“I was so scared I’d never see you again,” she gasped, her voice muffled against his chest as he held her to him.

He urged her to lift her head and looked into her eyes. “I could never leave my magnificent Milly.”

Then he kissed her, and I had to look away, feeling as though I was intruding on a very private moment.

When I looked back he was wiping tears from her cheeks, his own eyes shining, as they whispered to each other in a way that only lovers do. It made my heart ache with happiness and longing for my own love.

“Willa,” Dave said, turning his attention to me.

“I'm so glad you're OK, Dave.” My face crumpled as my tears fell before I walked toward him when he held his other arm out for me. As I embraced him, I was careful not to press against him too hard since I had no idea how extensive his injuries were underneath those bandages.

“I’m just happy to have both of my girls back. I'm sorry for scaring you. How have you been? I mean, are you OK? I've been worried about you since...”

“I've been fine.” I cut him off and exchanged a glance with Milly, who knew I hadn't been fine at all. But I didn't want Dave to know that. At this stage, it was more important that he got better. “All that therapy seems to have paid off.”

He let out a relieved sigh and closed his eyes. “I'm so glad you're OK. How’s André?”

It felt as though a gong went off in my head, and I sat back quickly, looking at him with a frown. “That's what we were going to ask you.”

His eyes went wide and he looked between us. “What do you mean? You haven't seen him?”

“We haven’t heard anything from anyone,” Milly said. “They wouldn't tell us because we’re not family.  So we assumed he'd be here with you.”

“I haven't seen him. I was outside when the explosion happened. I’d left him in our quarters while I made a call to you. I was hit by debris and evacuated with the rest of the injured who needed surgery. I figured he got out and would be home by now.”

I shook my head.

No.

It was happening again.

That thud in my ear.

The tightness in my chest.

It was happening.

Not again. Not again.

“Willa.”

My eyes went wide, and I could feel someone grabbing at my hands.
Willa
. I heard my name, a muffled sound in my ears. My vision was blurry, but I could see their faces.

“Look at me, Willa.”

Like hearing through water.

“Focus on my face.”

Weight on my chest.