Before You: Standalone Contemporary Romance (16 page)

“I think it’s for the best.” He kept his head down and pulled the zip closed.

“So, what? Last night was...?”

He lifted his gaze to meet mine. “A beginning. Last night was a beginning.” He walked over to me and slid his hand into my hair. I wrapped my hand around his wrist as I looked up at him, my heart hammering in my chest. He bowed his head and kissed me tenderly. “I’m not leaving
you
, Willa. I’m just going to stay somewhere else. I think it’s the right thing to do under the current circumstances.”

He released me, but I kept a hold of his wrist. “But where will you go? How will you even sleep?”

He took a hold of my hand in his and moved his thumb gently against my skin. “Perhaps it’s time I figured out how.”

“But how am
I
supposed to sleep? I need you.”

His green eyes seemed to lighten as he released my hand and took a hold of my face. “We’ll work it out,” he assured me, pressing a soft kiss to my lips before he moved to pick up his bag. “We’ll be OK.”

Panic rose up in my chest as he slung the bag over his shoulder. “This is my house too, André. I don’t want you to go,” I said.

He stopped in front of me and wrapped me tight in his arms, pressing his lips to the top of my head. “I’ll be a phone call away.”

I wiped at my eyes as he pulled away and walked toward the door where Dave was standing with his arms folded across his chest.

“Tell him he can stay, Dave,” I demanded.

He glanced at me then glared at André without responding.

“I’ll come back some other time for the rest of my stuff,” André said.

“Dave, tell him!” I prompted.

He stepped back to let André past then returned to the door once he had, effectively blocking me in the room.

“Let him go, Willa,” he said, standing in my way, blocking me, until we heard the front door open and close.

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because I’m your brother, and I’m trying to take care of you. A relationship with a guy like André is the last thing you need right now.”

“You have absolutely no idea what I need.”

“Yeah, Willa, I do. You need as little stress as possible. That’s what your doctors prescribed, and that’s what I’m doing.”

“How does sending away the guy I’m involved with create less stress? He’s the one who makes me feel better – he makes me feel right – normal even.”

He released a heavy sigh. “Yeah. For now, Willa. Right now, everything probably feels like sunshine and fucking rainbows. And I’m not trying to protect you from that. What I’m trying to protect you from is the André who is just like me. The André who gets restless. The André whose first love in this world is the adventure behind finding that perfect shot. Look at these walls, Willa.” He gestured with his hands around the room where André had put all of his pictures back up to cover the walls as he had in Chicago. All the beauty and the pain on the planet was up on display. I remembered how I felt when I saw it all for the first time, and I remembered how connected I’d felt to André as a result. I just hadn’t understood quite how connected we really were at the time.

Dave continued. “This is André’s life, Willa. This is what he’s about. He travels a lot. He risks his life, even when he doesn’t have to, and he
doesn’t
get attached to anyone. It’s why he’s so good at his work.” He walked over to the wall and tapped a photo of a pink flower growing out of the ground with a piece of tattered fabric lying next to it. “See this one? He picked his way through a fucking minefield to get that shot. And this one.” He tapped one of a brown bear growling. “There’s no fucking telescopic lens used in this shot. André stood in front of an angry bear and took the photo while the rest of us were running for our lives. The man is a maverick, Willa. I know him. I’ve seen him in action. And people don’t change. And they certainly don’t give up a job they love because their girlfriend gets scared, and if he did, he’d resent you for it. Either way, you’d be over. You think I’m an asshole right now, but I’m trying to protect you from going through all that.”

With my eyes wide, I looked around the walls, taking in all the shots and thinking about the setting behind them. Then I folded my arms across my chest and looked at Dave. “I want to be alone, Dave. I need to think.”

“I’ll be right downstairs,” he said softly, withdrawing from the room and leaving me with André’s pictures. André’s heart.

Slowly, I walked around the room, studying them, touching them, spending time on each one, looking at the world through his eyes. I imagined standing with him, witnessing the process he would go through to capture each one. Some of them scared me. Others fascinated me.

When I reached the closet, I opened the door, expecting to find some of his things inside. One side was full of files and paperwork. The other side had some clothes. I pulled out one of his dark shirts and held it to my nose, inhaling that unmistakable scent that was André before I hugged it to my chest, deciding that I was going to sleep in it that night. As I turned to close the door again, I paused, and my heart squeezed tight.

On the door where I’d written my name when I was a teen, André had covered the mirror with more photos. They were unlike any of the other photos in the room. They were all me. He had printed up the photos he’d taken of me that day by the window and put them all up. The sight of them all took my breath away. Looking at them was like looking at myself through his eyes. And his eyes were beautiful. They saw
me
– the girl who felt more plain Jane than fancy Nancy – as beautiful. Through his eyes, I looked like a voluptuous version of Angelina Jolie.

My eyes shifted to the mirror, studying my reflection with a newfound appreciation.

He saw me as beautiful.

Again, I looked around the room, taking in all the photos and seeing the beauty in all of them. André had beautiful eyes. I couldn’t take that away from him. I couldn’t take that away from the world.

It was then that I knew. Somehow, I needed to get better. If André and I really were what it felt like we were, then I needed get control of my fear. One day, I was going to have to let him go and trust that he was going to come back.

––––––––

“Y
ou mentioned EMDR?” I said as I sat across from my therapist the next day.

“I did,” she said with a kind smile. “It stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It’s a fairly new type of treatment for sufferers of post traumatic stress. The idea is to get you to focus on something else while we talk through the memories you have the most trouble with. It’s about redirecting your mind so that when you think about what happened you associate it with something other than your fear of losing your loved ones.”

“I want to try it.”

She nodded, but tilted her head curiously. “What made you change your mind?”

“I...I think I’m falling in love.”

I could see the beginning of a smile curling her lips. “Do you want to talk about that first? New relationships are hard under normal circumstances.”

I clasped my hands in my lap. They felt clammy, and I was shaking a little after admitting what I just did. “He...uh...he does the same job as my brother.”

She tried to keep her face expressionless, but I could see the twitch in her eyebrow. “How do you feel about that?”

“Petrified. He could leave at any moment, and there are so many risks involved. I was trying not to think about it. But it’s something I need to face. Especially if I want a future with him.”

***

“I
thought you were staying with a friend.”

André placed the keycard onto the table that sat beneath the wall-mounted television in his hotel room. “The hotel staff are very friendly,” he said with a smile.

I sat on the bed. “Why don’t you just come back? I’ll talk to Dave.”

Opening the mini bar, he pulled out two bottles of sparkling water and handed me one before sitting beside me.

“Don’t push him. I gave him my word and I broke it, knowing what that meant to him. This is the consequence of doing that. Having me living under the same roof isn’t going to make him trust me again. It’s going to take time.” He ran a hand through my long hair then kissed me gently.

I cupped the side of his face, bruised on his jaw where Dave had hit him. “Are you even sleeping?” I could see the dark circles under his eyes.

“A little,” he whispered.

I kissed his eyes. “Do you want me to stay tonight?”

“I would like that very much, but...” He took the bottle of water from my hand and set it on the table along with his. “I actually have something I need to talk to you about.”

“What is it?” I asked, nerves building in my stomach as I dreaded the worst. Even though I was taking steps to accept the fact he’d have to go away on assignment again, I wasn’t quite prepared to hear that news so soon.

“I’m going back to Germany.”

I felt as though I’d been punched in the stomach. “I see,” I responded in a whisper, shifting away from him slightly, needing some distance to absorb the news, no matter how small that distance was.

He took a hold of my hand. “Not for good. Just for a week, or maybe two. You see, I haven’t been back there since I left. I...I didn’t even go back for my mother’s funeral. And I think I need to go and finally pay my respects. I need to say a proper goodbye. You are the first person I’ve ever told about my parents, and now that I’ve said it all out loud and survived, I feel as though I need to do this as well.”

Feeling awful, I shifted closer and ran my hand down his arm. “Oh god, of course. I completely understand. Do you want me to go with you?”

He smiled and pressed a kiss to my forehead. “I love that you want to help me, but you have your own therapy to go through right now. I think it’s important that we both face up to the things we’ve been trying to forget.”

I looked into his beautiful eyes. “I understand,” I said with a whisper. “When are you leaving?”

“Tomorrow,” he stated.

My expression fell. “That soon?”

“I need to do this, Willa. It’s important.”

I forced a smile. “I know it is, André. I’m just...I’m going to miss you.”

He ran his fingers gently down the side of my face. “I’m going to miss you too. But, we still have tonight. And this hotel has pretty good room service and pay per view.”

“I’d be happy with Nutella sandwiches as long as I was spending time with you,” I whispered.

He smiled then pulled me closer, kissing me in that way that only André could. Then slowly, he undressed me, and together, we fell back on the bed and spent the night showing each other exactly how we felt.

***

“W
here were you all night?” Dave asked the next day when I walked in the house and dropped my keys in the bowl. It was almost lunchtime, and I’d just gotten back from driving André to the airport. My heart was hurting, and I was missing him already. I really didn’t need Dave’s issues in that moment, he had no idea what André and I were going through. We were both trying to heal our baggage by facing our past, it was hard, it was exhausting, but we were doing it because we felt that we could be something big together. We needed each other.

“You know exactly where I was, Dave. And I’m an adult who knows exactly what she’s doing. So is André. And you’re going to have to get used to the idea of us dating because it isn’t going to change. And before you start spouting how you’re worried about my mental stability when he goes away for work, please know that I’m working with my therapist so I’ll cope when the time comes.”

“There’s talk of them going to back to Afghanistan as early as next month.”

Pressing my lips together, I nodded my head slowly. I couldn’t stop the fear that crept over my insides, but I could breath through it. “Well,” I said after taking a calming breath. “While it’s only talk, I’ve still got time to work on this. But, right now, he’s on a plane to Germany. So there’s nothing to worry about for now.”

“Why is he going to Germany? To see his mother?”

For a moment I frowned, before realizing that Dave probably thought André’s parents were both alive, just like I did up until a few nights before. “In a way, yes, he is.”

“In a way? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that he’s an orphan, Dave, just like we are. He’s going there to visit his mother’s grave.”

Dave’s mouth dropped open in surprise and he looked saddened. “I...I had no idea.”

“Perhaps you don’t know André quite as well as you think you do. He’s not the asshole you think he is, or he pretends to be. He’s actually quite the opposite. He’s quite amazing.”

––––––––

“O
h. My. God. She’s back.” Milly was the first to spot me when I got off the elevator on my first day back at work. It had been almost a month since I’d been gone, and I was dying to get lost in something other than therapy sessions and daytime TV for a change.

“Willa,” Catherine said as she embraced me. “It hasn’t been the same around here without you.”

“Good to have you back,” Jasper said, being the next one to give me a hug. “We were all pretty worried about you.”

“I know. I’m sorry, I just wasn’t up for visitors. But I’m OK now.”

I turned to Milly, who was still hanging back, and gave her a small smile.

She smiled and shook her head as if shaking off a bad feeling. “Oh, come here,” she said, wrapping her arms around me in a tight squeeze. “I can’t stay mad at you. But, you should have at least told me you were coming back today. We could have arranged for a cake.”

“How about I take you out for cake after work to say sorry for being a shitty friend and disappearing for a whole month.”

“You’re brother said you weren’t up for having visitors. I just missed you is all.”

“I missed you too.”

She held me at arm’s length. “How about you change the cake for a cocktail and then you have yourself a deal?”

***

“I
’m not going to lie and say I wasn’t hurt when your brother said you didn’t want to see me. I mean, I’m supposed to be your best friend, and I had no idea what was going on with you,” Milly said from the bar stool beside me as she took a sip of her Cosmopolitan. It was almost 6:30 on Monday night and we’d come to
Splinters
directly from work after a busy day that made my head hurt from information overload. I’d missed out on so much and was scrambling to catch up.