Before I Wake (14 page)

What?

“Anything else?” Tod whispered, and Sabine’s eyes flew open,
her hand still tight around Thane’s.

“He heard your voice,” she said, and though her eyes didn’t
close again, they lost focus, like she was looking at something none of the rest
of us could see. “He’s cold, deep down inside and he’s afraid of the cold
because it’s foreign. It shouldn’t be in him, and he wants to get rid of it, but
he can’t. But as much as he hates the cold, he’s even more afraid of losing it,
because once his body’s gone, he’ll truly be at Avari’s mercy. And that’s what
he’s afraid will happen if he doesn’t bring Tod.”

“What cold?” Nash sank onto the couch cushion next to me, like
he’d forgotten how mad he was.

“Demon’s Breath,” I said, then immediately wanted to take the
words back. Just saying them couldn’t push Nash into relapse, yet I felt guilty
for bringing up such a touchy subject. But once I’d started it, I had to finish.
“There’s Demon’s Breath in place of his soul. He wants to get rid of it, but if
he does, he’ll lose his body, then Avari can do whatever he wants with Thane’s
soul.”

Nash nodded stiffly.

“Is that all?” Tod asked.

Sabine nodded. Then, “Kaylee, you touch him.”

Both Tod and Nash looked like they wanted to object, but I
grabbed Thane’s arm before they could, and Sabine closed her eyes again.

“He’s scared of you,” she said, almost immediately. “But not
scared enough. He’s terrified that you can extract his soul, if he ever gets it
back, but he knows that if Avari gets you, you’ll no longer be a threat. Before,
he wanted to take you to Avari because he was scared of Avari. But now he wants
to turn you over because he’s scared of
you.
”

I should have been relieved by that—the big bad reaper was
afraid of me. But knowing he was willing to drag me into the Netherworld to
eliminate the threat I now represented was enough to wipe out any relief I might
otherwise have felt.

“Avari wants us both?” Tod said, and Sabine nodded slowly.

“But for different reasons. He’s afraid that if the hellion
doesn’t get you, he’ll never let Thane go free. And based on what little I know
of Avari, I’d bet he won’t let Thane go even if he
does
get you,” she said to Tod. “He’s a hellion of greed,
right?”

We all nodded, and if we hadn’t been looking at Sabine, we
might have known Thane was awake before he grabbed her by the throat.

9

I GASPED AND
Tod pulled me out of reach. Nash grabbed for Sabine, but Thane stood and
pushed her backward with him. “Who the hell are you?”

“What’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you?” Sabine
croaked, clutching the hand that held her by the throat at arm’s length. “Did
your dad beat you? Your mom leave you? Did your girlfriend kick your balls clear
up into the back of your throat?”

Thane’s eyes widened, and I realized he was surprised into
silence for the first time since I’d met him.

“Whatever it is,” the
mara
continued, her voice hoarse but audible, “I’m going to top it, if you don’t let
me go
right now.
”

Thane studied her for another second, like he was debating—or
maybe waiting for verbal brilliance to strike. Then his eyes narrowed and he
frowned at her, and I could see his grip on her loosen a little. “I remember
you. You’re the feisty little firecracker I saw at Kaylee’s house.” When he’d
been stalking me, in anticipation of reaping my soul.

Sabine frowned—she’d never seen him before—and her eyes
darkened. Every lightbulb in the room seemed to dim, and chill bumps rose on my
arms. “Know what happens when you hold a lit firecracker?” she said, glaring up
at Thane, who didn’t answer. “It’ll take your hand clean off.”

Thane burst into laughter, and Nash edged around the coffee
table, closing in on them both.

“Nash…” Tod warned, but he couldn’t make himself inaudible to
another reaper. Not that it mattered. Thane had already seen Nash.

“Try it, and I’ll kill her,” he said. “Before you can even
blink.” The reaper didn’t have to hurt her to kill her. All he had to do was
remove Sabine’s soul, and he could do that in an instant. Much faster than I
could retrieve a stolen one.

Nash shuffled backward a few steps, his jaw clenched in fury,
hands curled into fists at his sides.

“And how long do you think that would last, in a room full of
bean sidhes?
” Sabine demanded, her voice dark
and low, but as fierce as I’d ever heard it. “How far do you think you’d get
with my soul?”

“Hmm… Good point,” Thane said, and I exhaled slowly. But he
kept talking. “Maybe I’ll take you whole, and let Avari pick and choose the
parts he wants.”

“I’ll kill you,” Nash growled, and Tod edged closer, ready to
back his brother up.

Thane laughed. “I’m already dead.”

“You could be deader.” Nash was so furious he couldn’t control
the twist of fear in his eyes. I could see disaster coming like an
out-of-control train, but I couldn’t stop it.

Sabine glanced at him, then at Tod, and something silent passed
between them. Tod nodded, then lunged forward and grabbed Nash by one arm. Nash
shouted and tried to jerk free, and I stepped in front of him, trying to warn
him. Trying to shut him up. He was too scared for Sabine to see the danger he
was putting himself in. Thane could kill him just as easily as he could kill
Sabine. In fact, that may have been his plan, to draw Nash close enough to take
them both at once.

If that happened, Tod and I could only save one of them.

When I finally got Nash to stop shouting and throwing punches
that went right through Tod, I realized Sabine was talking. To Thane.

“…more fears than any reaper I’ve ever met, and I know what
they are,” she whispered, and Thane stared at her, mesmerized. “You’re not
afraid of your final rest—you welcome it. You
crave
it. You’re afraid of an eternity spent serving Avari. That’s the thought that
leaves you shaking in your tighty-whities, cowering in the corner late at night.
You’d do anything to get free from him, wouldn’t you? But taking me won’t help.
He wants
her.
” She let go of his arm to point at me
with one hand, and a spark of fear shot up my spine.

Was she selling me out? Again? Or was this a distraction?

“You’re right. So let’s trade.” Thane pivoted with her still in
his grip and looked right at Nash. “I’m taking one of them. You decide
which.”

My breath froze in my lungs for the half second it took Tod to
pull me to his chest. “No way in hell.” I tried to push him off—I couldn’t help
Sabine if I couldn’t move—but he wouldn’t let go, and I didn’t know whether to
feel loved or underestimated.

“You want her back?” Thane demanded, still focused on Nash—he
knew better than to bargain with Tod. “Then give me Kaylee. Just scuttle over
there and wrest her from the arms of your brother.”

Nash glanced at me and Tod, and the confusion churning slowly
in his eyes scared me.

“That’s your brother, right? Cain to your Abel?” Thane asked.
“I’ve pieced a few things together. They betrayed you, didn’t they—your brother
and your girlfriend? They broke your heart and stomped all over your pride, but
you can make all that end, right now. Give her to me, and I’ll let this one go.
What’s it going to be? Which one will you save?”

Nash glanced from me to Sabine, then back, his irises churning
with intense green twists of anger and brown swirls of fear, and I could
practically read confliction in the frown lines etched into his forehead.

He didn’t know what to do.

Sabine could see it, too. She was waiting for his decision. And
I saw the exact moment she lost patience. “Oh, for fuck’s sake.”

The
mara
wrapped both hands around
Thane’s wrist, then tucked her knees to her stomach and let herself hang from
his arm—for the fraction of a second it took for him to lose his balance.

Thane grunted and tried to let go of her, but she clung to him.
He tipped over. She hit the floor and Thane fell on top of her, his arm still in
her grip. Sabine gave his arm a quick twist and Thane howled as something
tore.

He rolled away from her, and Sabine was on her feet in an
instant, feet spread for balance, hands curled into fists. “Get the hell out of
here before you really get hurt.”

Thane stood, holding his wounded arm, staring at all four of us
in shock rapidly bleeding into fury. And just before he blinked out of
existence, I saw fear closing the gap. He had to go back to Avari empty-handed,
with an injured arm.

I almost felt sorry for him.

Almost.

As soon as Thane was gone, Nash wrapped his arms around Sabine.
“What the hell were you thinking?” he said into her hair. “He could have killed
you in a heartbeat.”

Sabine shoved him away. “And you could have saved me just as
fast.” Her expression said anger, but her eyes said pain, and I knew that the
truth was somewhere in between.

“I tried!” Nash insisted.

“Yeah, when you thought I was the only one in danger. But when
he told you to choose, you just stood there.”

“You wanted me to give him Kaylee?”

Sabine rolled her eyes and glanced at me and Tod. “Neither of
them would have let that happen, and I wouldn’t, either. I didn’t need you to
rescue me, Nash. I needed you to
choose
me. Just
once.” With that, Sabine snatched her keys off the end table by the couch, then
stormed out the front door, barefoot and pissed off. And more hurt than I could
even comprehend.

“Nash…” I said when she was gone. I wanted to help.

I should have known better.

“Get out. Both of you, just go away.” Then Nash stomped down
the hall and slammed his door, leaving me and Tod alone in the living room.

* * *

Tod had to go back to work, so when I left Nash’s, I
returned Emma’s costume, grateful that she was sleeping when I got there, so I
wouldn’t have to recount the story that started with me dressing up like an
idiot and ended with Nash acting like one. For now. But she’d probably want the
details in the morning.

Alone in my room, I knew I should be grateful that the action
was over, at least for the moment, but with nothing to do but think and pet Styx
while she slept, the night passed slowly.
Excruciatingly
slowly.

I couldn’t sleep and I wasn’t hungry, and it turns out there’s
nothing good on television in the middle of the night when you don’t subscribe
to the movie channels. I considered ordering something On Demand, but my dad had
already threatened to kill me—an ironic word choice, for sure—if he got one more
bill from the satellite company.

Also, I’d already watched everything that was available.

Around four in the morning, I realized I didn’t want to move.
The end of my nose itched, but scratching it seemed like too much trouble, so I
let the itch continue, because feeling an itch was better than feeling nothing,
right?

So I lay there, listening to my own thoughts race through my
head so fast I could hardly focus on them. I wondered how long Sabine could stay
mad at Nash before she took him back, because we all knew she’d take him back. I
wondered why Nash couldn’t see what he was doing to her, and how long it would
take him to realize that loving her wasn’t enough. He had to love her more than
anything else in the world. More than he loved me. More than he loved frost.
More than he loved his own life. He had to love her like nothing else existed
for him, ever, and I wished there was some way for me to tell him that without
making him hate me more.

Then I wondered why Avari wanted Tod. Was one reaper not enough
for him?

Of course it wasn’t. One of anything was never enough for
Avari, and asking why a hellion of greed wanted something was pointless. Avari
existed
to want things. He’d probably obsessed
over the souls of thousands of people in the eons of his existence. Surely I was
just the latest in a long line of obsessions, and I wondered if he’d gotten any
of the others.

I wondered if he’d get me.

But by the time the sun came up, even my thoughts had started
to slow, and I wasn’t sure I even cared if Avari got me. What did it matter? I
was already dead. He would make my afterlife hell if he got my soul, but he was
clearly prepared to do that, anyway, so maybe it would be easier for everyone if
I just…let him.

I couldn’t beat him. I couldn’t outlive him. I couldn’t outrun
him. So why fight the inevitable?

My dad came into my room at seven-fifteen—I know, because I’d
been staring at my alarm clock for the past fifty-three minutes. “Kaylee, where
are you?”

That’s when I realized he couldn’t see me. Because I had no
desire to be seen.

With a sigh, I concentrated just enough to slip into the
physical plane, and that took a great deal more effort than rolling over, which
I’d been putting off for the past few minutes.

“Why are you still in bed? You have to be at school in half an
hour!”

“I’m not going.”

“The hell you aren’t. Get up. Get in the shower and wash your
hair. You look like…”

“Death warmed over?” I blinked when I realized my eyes were
dry. “’Cause that’s how I feel. Minus the warming over.”

“Kaylee,
please.
” My father shoved
Styx over and sank onto the side of my bed. “This is normal, but you have to
fight it. You’re not going to feel alive until you start acting like you’re
alive. Tod says—”

I rolled onto my back and glared up at him. “You’ve been
talking to Tod behind my back?” A spark of irritation flared deep in my gut and
swelled for a moment before sputtering out.

“No, I’ve been talking to Tod in your absence. I’m worried
about you, and he’s the resident expert on afterlives. He says you have to want
to live—so to speak. That you have to find a reason to be here. I understand
that I can’t be that reason, but you have to find one. Find something that makes
you want to get out of this bed.”

“I have plenty of reasons to get out of bed. School just isn’t
one of them.”

“Bullshit,” my dad said, and I blinked at him in surprise.
“Your life isn’t over.”

“Um, yeah. Actually, it is. My death kind of coincided with the
end of my life. Funny how that works.”

“You know what I mean. I know you, Kaylee. I know that a simple
change in your state of being isn’t enough to make you lose interest in the rest
of the world. So
get up.
There are friends at school
waiting to see you smile and hear you talk. There are stolen souls out there
waiting for you to liberate them. There’s even a grim reaper who loves you more
than his afterlife itself, and if that’s not enough to get you moving, you
better close your eyes, because I’m coming back with a bucket of cold
water.”

I didn’t realize my eyes had watered until tears trailed down
my face to soak into my pillow. “It’s enough,” I whispered, pushing myself
upright. “You’re enough, even without all the rest of that.” I wrapped my arms
around my dad and laid my head on his shoulder, and more tears soaked into his
shirt. “I’m sorry. I just get lost in it, in the middle of the night. It’s so
quiet, and there’s nothing here but my thoughts, and even those start to repeat
after a few hours of nothing else, and then they stop making sense.”

“But it’s better now?” he asked, his arms so tight around me
that my ribs ached. I could hear it in his voice, how badly he needed me to say
yes. Even if it wasn’t true.

“Yes,” I lied, and more tears fell. “It’s better now.”

I still didn’t want to go to school. I didn’t want to shower,
or brush my teeth, or dry my hair, but I did all of that because every time I
looked up, I saw my father watching me, and he looked scared. He looked like he
wanted to help me, but didn’t know how. Like he wanted to save me, but couldn’t
see the threat.

He looked like he’d already lost me.

I blinked into the bathroom at school to save time, and slid
into my desk in Advanced Math just as Mr. Cumberland started calling roll. “Are
you okay?” Emma whispered, and I wondered if that “death warmed over” descriptor
was more accurate than I’d thought.

“Yeah. I just don’t want to be here today.”