Before I Break (7 page)

“Sta
y with me,” she purrs in my ear, her hand trailing up my naked leg. Oh shit! I try to move but I’m stuck. Her eyes are still closed but now she’s climbed on top of me.

“I’ll
make it worth your while,” she purrs in my ear, she smells so good, and she’s starting to kiss my neck as her hand grabs my...

“C
hristopher, get up!” My eyes open, and my dad is standing next to the sofa where I vaguely remember falling asleep.
Was I just dreaming?
It seemed more real than any dream I ever had. I can still feel her lips on me, the smell of her hair, how warm her skin was. I start to sit up but it’s as if gravity wants my head right here on the sofa. Ugh, my stomach feels like I’m on a roller coaster.

“You
think getting drunk is going to solve your problems?” My dad’s voice is loud and feels like a hammer to my head. He puts his arm around me, pulling my weight up so I’m now in a sitting position

“Where
am I?” I ask, unsure. I honestly have no idea until I recognize that ugly blanket Lisa made in high school and realize I’m still at her house

“Ugh,
my head.” I groan. My dad forces a cup of coffee into my hand.

“This,
what you’re doing, is not going to be your answer,” my dad says gruffly. I lift the cup to my mouth, but before I can even drink it, the smell makes my stomach churn, and I set it down.

“We’re
in a bad situation. Is it the end of the world? No? But if you become a self-pitying drunk it will be,” he says sharply, “an
d
whether we like it or not, you’re a father now so we’re going to have to figure this thing out with this woman. Sooner rather than later.”

He can
’t think I’m in any condition to talk to him about the state or plan for my life now.

“I just
want to sleep,” I mumble, putting the coffee down on the floor, and I lie back down on the couch.

“I’m
not sure what your plan is, but if you’re still engaged to Jenna or plan on being, I suggest you get up and come home. I’m sure she won’t be happy that you’re here of all places, and you probably haven’t called her since I found your phone in the dirt in our yard,” he warns.

Jenna.

Her name makes me sit up.

I’
ve told her a thousand times Lisa and I are just friends, and have been since kindergarten, but she says as long as she has breasts and a vagina she’ll never trust her.

It takes a minute
, but with my dad’s help, I make it out of Lisa’s house, into the truck, and back home to my bed. I ignored the disapproving lecture he gave me all the way home. I think I deserved a night like last night after all I’ve gone through.

My mom must
’ve agreed since she cleaned my room and tucked me in like I was twelve then brought me ibuprofen, after I managed to hold down a piece of toast. My bed is much better than Lisa’s couch

***

I wake up, still in my room but the sky’s dark. The birds are already making noise so it must be early morning. I sit up and see the clock on my desk says that its 5:11 am. I must have slept straight through yesterday. I feel a lot better.  My stomach is empty, growling, and the smell of bacon coming from down stairs has coaxed me out of my sleep. The splitting pain in my head is gone now, just a dull ache replacing it.              

I pick out a t-
shirt, jeans, and boxers and make my way to the shower and wash the stink of vomit and whiskey off me.

I haven’
t talked to Jenna at all. I told her I’d call her after I talked to my parents, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I don’t know what to tell her. I don’t know where we go from here.

I needed a day off from feel
ing and thinking. But now it just seems like a day wasted. I was sort of prepared to confirm that she was right. To explain to her that what I have is an actual condition and not some made up crap. Knowing her though, she’s figured everything out. She may have possibly been willing to stay with me; it wasn’t like I couldn’t get a divorce, which I’m not even sure this marriage is even
legitimate
. I’m sure the girl…Lauren. I have to stop calling her the girl.  She’s not some random woman after all…Lauren would’ve agreed to sever ties after realizing I’m not the man she loves.

But a kid, knowing that
I have a child with someone else...that’s something I don’t think Jenna will accept and I can’t blame her. I’d just like to hold on the memory of me being happily engaged to the woman
I
chose and thinking what
our
kids would look like a little longer.

Well
, there wouldn’t have been any kids until she finished law school, passed the bar, and established herself within a firm... but that’s irrelevant now. After I brush my teeth and throw on my clothes, I head to the kitchen. My stomach already craving the bacon and eggs my mom is frying up. She glances back at me as I sit down at the table. She already has a plate fixed for me. She sits down at the table across from me and pours orange juice in our glasses
.
I start to dig into my plate and she clears her throat. I roll my eyes as she takes my hand.

“
Lord, we thank you for this food you blessed us to receive, and for our bodies to be healthy enough to receive it. Amen,” she says, and I grunt an Amen before shoving a spoonful of eggs in my mouth. I’m trying to count the few things to be thankful for this morning, but as of right now I’m not in a thankful mood.

Someone’
s screwed up my life, and if God planned my life like this, I’m pretty pissed at him right now. But since my mom is still here when she came so close to being gone I won't voice that opinion to her.

“
Is Dad out back already?” I ask, noticing she’s set no plate for him.

She nods
.
“He wanted an early start,” she says after finishing her juice.

“
How are you feeling?” she asks, and I’m not sure if she’s referring to my mental state or the hangover from yesterday. I glance up at her a second before my eyes land back on my plate.

“I don’
t know,” I admit honestly. Today, I’m kind of numb. I don’t how to feel or think, but it’s better than being furious or hopeless, so I’ll take it.

“
Lauren is going to come here tomorrow,” she says quietly, her voice normal though the statement is anything but. I let out a deep breath.

“Yeah?”
I say, feeling as if I’m in a daze. Lauren, my wife, Cal’s wife. At this point, whose wife she is doesn’t matter since it’s both, or one of our DNA’s in the kid. My mom gets up from the table, opens the drawer, and then sits back down.

“I didn’
t get a chance to show you this. You left so abruptly that day,” she says, sliding a picture across the table. Her lips are pressed tightly together but curved in a smile. I pick up the picture and let out a deep sigh. It’s a little girl, maybe a year old, if that. She has big green eyes and dark curly hair all over her head. Two deep dimples. I involuntarily let out a sigh. She looks just like my baby pictures only she’s a girl.

“She’s beautiful isn’t she?” m
y mom says, not hiding her smile any longer.

Wow.
I really have a daughter, and she looks just like me. I never thought my first time seeing my child would be in a picture when they’ve been in the world a...I don’t even know how old she is.

“
What’s her name?” I ask, resting my forehead in my hand.

“Caylen,”
she says quietly. I let out a huff. “She named her after him didn’t she?” I say with an angry laugh.

“
I—I know this isn’t the best situation, and we never imagined things happening this way for you, but this doesn’t have to be all bad,” my mom says, grabbing my hand and squeezing it. I shake my head.

“
I—I’ve missed her first birthday, first word, and first steps. I don’t even know how old she is,” I say, the weight of knowing that I have a part of me in this world being added to a boat load of stress that’s overflowing...

“
We missed yours too, but that doesn’t make us love you any less. If we’d been there, would that make you love us any more?” she asks with a sincere smile. She’s right. Things could be a lot worse. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself; whether I like it or not, I’m a...I’m a dad. I’ve always wanted kids. I grew up the only child, and if it wasn’t for Lisa, it would have been pretty lonely.

If it was up to me I’
d have enough kids to start a little league. Jenna made it clear that wasn’t happening, whenever we did start a family. She doesn’t really want kids but said she’d have one for me. Now she’s probably not going to speak to me again, let
alone,
have my child. I can’t see any woman taking me seriously with something like this. Hi, my name is Chris, and I might turn into a jerk-off any minute, literally. So, this is probably the only kid I’ll ever have.

“Is she going to bring her...Caylen with her tomorrow
?” I correct myself.

“
No. I believe she’s back in Chicago,” my mom says, taking a drink of her coffee. Chicago...That’s at least a three to four hour drive. I’ve only been there...or remember being there for a trip during high school. I let out a sigh, how am I supposed to be a parent four hours away?

“How much do you know about her?”
I ask.

“
Well. Not much, Christopher. Dexter told us she graduated from Chicago University a few years ago and that she was an artist, I’m not sure what kind. She’s originally from Michigan.” She sighs and folds her hands.

“
He told us that she was a good person.” Dexter’s definition of a good person doesn’t hold much weight with me.

“
He also said that…that Cal really loved her.” Her eyes briefly find mine before glancing at the table.
Loved her?
He didn’t love her enough to tell her the truth...but my parents didn’t tell me the truth either.

I
let out another deep sigh. She’s coming here and I don’t even want to think about what she’s going to say to me. I have this guy’s face that abandoned her, that left her with a kid. But even with all that, she looked at me with anything but resentment or hatred…well, that is until I told her I didn’t know who she was.

You can
’t get married. You already are...

I fold my
hands together. It’s more like I’ve been sitting on them. Today I need to start to figure this out, with Jenna and Lauren. The woman who should or would have been my wife, who can’t know because I’m married to a woman I have a child with—a woman, I didn’t even know existed before this week.

“
What do I tell Jenna, Mom? How do I tell her this?” I look at the little girl in the picture again, trying to get my brain to connect that this is
my daughter.

“
You can only tell her the truth and hope that she understands,” my mom says weakly as if even she doesn’t believe Jenna will understand this.

“And Lauren...I don’t know what she wants from me.”
I trail off.

“Will she understand that?”
I sigh. I don’t even know what I expect her to understand...that I’m not the guy that married her and knocked her up. But I am. I’m still trying to wrap my head around this.

My
mom shakes her head
.
“I’m sure this is going to be difficult for her, but she led me to believe at least that this is about Caylen. She hasn’t had a lot of time to digest much of this, but maybe enough to try to understand that you aren’t the man she fell in love with.” My mom’s tone is hopeful. I’m not as optimistic.

Love. She loved him.  I hate to hear that word in the same sentence as him. It makes him real, and he doesn’t deserve the recognition. If I’m going to figure this out or make sure the direction of my life isn’t going straight into the ground, I need to start doing something.

“
Do you know where she is? Lauren?” I ask.

“
I told her about the Ritter Inn...” my mom says, grabbing our finished plates from the table.

“
Actually, Rose confirmed that she checked in after she left,” my mom admits.

“
I’ll be back to help Dad before noon,” I say, grabbing the keys to my truck off the table.

“Where are you going this early?”

“I’m going to try to catch Jenna before she heads to school,” I say, heading out.

“
Chris. Would you like me to call and schedule with Dr. Lyce?” my mom asks hesitantly.

“I’
ll be finding a new doctor,” I tell her before leaving out. My parents lied. I have to forgive them. Dexter lied. I expect that from him. But my doctor? Any doctor that would keep something like that from me, I never want to deal with ever again.

“
Good luck, son,” my mom says before I get in my truck. I’m going to need it.