Before I Break (11 page)

            
 
“…I know that you’re still upset with me, and I understand why. I just…now especially, I don’t want you to feel like you’re alone in this. I know you don’t agree with my judgment and the decision I made, but I hope that you still feel like you can talk to me. The worst thing you can do is hold this all in.”

I look at my dad who has always been my hero, a fair man whose opinion I valued and respected. People used to always joke that my famil
y was the modern day version of the Cleavers, and it wasn’t far from the truth. My relationship with my parents was always great. I’m privileged that, out of all the homes I could have ended up in when I was adopted, I was truly blessed to end up in theirs.
              “I know you did what you did because you thought you were protecting me. I don’t like it, but I guess I understand it.” I shrug. He looks surprised then a smile spreads across his face. He grabs a Snickers off my desk. I’m addicted to them. I used to buy the whole boxes from kids during those school fundraisers.

“I
didn’t expect you to come around so easily,” he says happily.  He grabs another snicker and tosses me one.

“I
probably wouldn't have if it wasn’t for Lauren,” I admit, opening up the candy bar. I see his lips press together.

“I
figured if she could understand and overlook what you did, I could too.” I take a bite of my candy bar.

“Y
our mom told me things went well when you went to see her,” he says after taking a bite from his.

“Well, I wouldn’t say we’
re best friends or anything, but I guess we’re both trying to make the best out of the situation we’re in.” I fumble with the candy bar in my hands. I think back on the conversation I had with Lauren. She was pretty considerate, sitting there, letting me vent while she had to feel torn up inside. I sigh reflecting on it all.

“The way she looked at me, Dad…” I hesitate, trying to forget the way her eyes grabbed mine and practically begged them to not look away.

“S
he looked at me the way Mom looks at you sometimes.” My Dad shifts in his seat uncomfortably.

“And
the way she talked about him, Cal…” I sigh, thinking back to how her eyes lit up when she shared things I’m guessing made her fall in love with him. I try to think when, if ever, Jenna looked at me like that.

“You
need to be careful with her, Chris.” he states, quickly snapping me from my own thoughts.

“What
do you mean?” I sigh. Since the whole secret reveal I really haven’t wanted to hear his advice on things, but today needs to be a good day. It’d be nice if we could reflect on the happy normal family we once was before all this started.

“I
mean that things are very complicated, and I think it would probably be best if they stayed as simple as possible,” he replies. He looks me squarely in the eye with the same look he used to give me when I was a kid before taking me to a store and telling me I can only pick one thing and no more than that.

“Lauren’
s just found out about you. It’s going to take more than a few days for her to really grasp the truth that you’re not the man she knows and…”

I put my hand up to stop him
.
“Dad, we have an understanding. I’m sure it’s hard for her, but right now her concern is with her daughter. Everything else is pretty irrelevant now,” I say, standing up.

He presses his lips together and his brow furrows.
He’s frustrated. I can tell there’s more he wants to say, but he turns his attention to the picture of Caylen on my desk.

“Your
mother is beyond excited about her. She’s all she talks about,” he says.
After a moment, he rests his head in one hand, and we both look at the newest generation of the Scott family. In the last two days, this is the first time in this house that the anger and tension has disappeared.

            
 
“Who’d a thought? Me? A grandpa?”  He smiles widely, and in that moment, he’s not the man with the stern, hard demeanor who I’ve gotten used to, but is back to being my dad. He’s the man who coached my little league, who was everyone’s favorite neighbor, and who was my best friend. This is the man I want Caylen, my daughter, to meet; even though the man that made her is the one who drove him away.
 

***

              “She’s been out there a while. Maybe I should go ask her to come in?” my mother says as she looks through the window for the tenth time since Lauren has pulled up.
              “Let her get her bearings. There has to be a reason she hasn’t come in yet. We don’t want to ambush the girl,” my dad says calmly as he reads his newspaper.
              My mom walks over to him and glances over his shoulder. She then gives him a playful nudge.

“William Scott you can act as calm as you want. You’ve been reading that same page of the newspaper for the past half hour,” my mom teases him. He rolls his eyes
, dismissing my mom, but a smile spreads on his face.

             
“I can’t believe they’re here. My granddaughter is here!” she sings, running over to me and giving me a big hug. I can’t help but laugh. She hasn’t been this excited about things in a while.
              “I can’t wait. I can’t wait,” she sings, peering out of the window again. My dad gets up and pats me on the back.
              “Are you okay, son?” he asks, his voice concerned but cheerful. The mood in the house has completely reversed since the last time Lauren graced our doorway.
              “Yeah,” I squeak out, not recognizing my own voice. I sound like I’m twelve. I laugh, rubbing the back of my neck. I joke about my mom, but I’m just as excited as she is, just a hundred times more nervous but I am managing to stay still. My dad arches an eyebrow at me. Then he walks over to my mom, clasping her shoulders.
              “She’s getting out of the car!” she announces excitedly.
              “Honey, I think you and I should go in the kitchen,” he says, taking her hand. She whips around, confusion on her face
              “Why would we do that? They’re about to come in,” she says, pointing toward the window.

             
“I know. I just think maybe we should give them a few minutes alone first. This is a private moment,” he informs my mom, who, I think, is pouting.
              “B ... but I’m the grandmother,” she asserts.
              “Of course you are, and I know you’re ready to coddle and spoil that little girl to pieces, but let’s give Chris a little time. Let’s allow him to meet ... his daughter first,” my dad says calmly. My mom looks so disappointed, but she sighs, a small smile returning to her face.
              “That’s why I love your father, Chris. When I’m flying off the handle, he’s there to pull me back to earth,” she says and kisses my dad on the cheek.
              “We’ll just be in the back,” she says, then gives me a hug, squeezing me tight.
              “I’ll try not to take long Mom,” I promise her, squeezing her back. She gently pats my arm, and she and dad slip out of the room. I take a deep breath and open the door to an entirely new stage of my life. I walk down the porch, my feet feel like they're a thousand pounds each. My heart speeds up as I see
my
little one making her way, her steps quick and chaotic. She has curly brown hair separated in two pig-tales, and wide green eyes. She’s like a walking doll, and I've never wanted to hold anything more in my life.

I
s this real? This is my daughter? I squeeze the penguin in my hand I bought for her as she and her mom make their way onto the side walk. Lauren’s eyes are watery, and she’s smiling widely her, lips pressed tightly together.
              “Hi,” she says, her voice a little shaky and high pitched. She sounds as nervous as I feel, but she looks amazing. Her hair is pulled back in a low ponytail, but her skin is vibrant, her eyes no longer puffy. The sunlight is bouncing off her eyes, causing them to sparkle.
              “Hey,” I respond, my own voice a little shaky. Lauren lets go of Caylen’s hand, and she makes her way over to me. My daughter looks at me with the same magnetic pull her mom has. She’s smiles and I’m in love.
              She reaches up for the penguin I’m holding, and I realize that it’s the toy she’s mesmerized by and not me. I’m a little jealous.
              “Umm, my friend’s daughter loves the penguins in the
Madagascar
movie. I thought she’d like it.” I glance up at Lauren.
              “She watches that movie all the time,” she replies.

“
I’m glad I made a good choice,” I squat down so I’m near Caylens eye level.  “I thought you might like this.” I say holding the stuffed animal out to her.
              “Pepe!” she says excitedly, taking the penguin from my hand and stuffing it in her mouth.
              She looks so much like my baby pictures.  This little person is mine, right here in front of me. The feeling of having someone that shares my genes, connected by blood. I’ve never shared that with anyone before.
              “I’m Chris, Caylen,” I say with a smile, blinking away the hot water in my eyes... and Caylen’s smile makes more tears come. I quickly wipe them away. Lauren walks closer me. She gently touches my shoulder, and Caylen grabs my face, giggling. I laugh.
              “Caylen. This is your daddy.” Lauren’s words come out of nowhere. I’ve never been so grateful to hear anything in my life.

            
 
“Thank you, Lauren.” I hope that she can see that I truly mean it. I’m grateful that she brought this little girl into my life. That she’s kept her safe and done it on her own without any of my help. For the first time I hope that the vision I had last night wasn’t just a dream, those words he said to her was genuine. I hope that Cal and Lauren were in love. I hope more than anything Caylen was made out of love. For a second there’s an intense pressure in my head but in an instance it’s gone. I shake the feeling away and look up at Lauren, whose eyes are wide and her body completely still.

            
 
“Lauren,” I say, my voice slightly raised. She looks like she’s seen a ghost. After a second she snaps out of it. She lets out a breath and moves toward me. She brings her hand to my cheek. It’s soft and warm and strangely calming, but the gleam in those big brown eyes
makes me nervous.

            
 
“Is everything okay?” I ask her, and she nods, taking her hand back. I want to tell her that everything is going to be okay. I’ll the best father I can for our daughter. The hurt that’s hiding behind her eyes I can’t erase, but I will do everything in my power to make sure I never hurt her like that. I can’t be who she wants me to be, but I’ll be the best man that I can. That, I know how to be…

It takes less than two minutes before my mom bursts out of the house and onto the porch. She hugs me, then Lauren, and snatches up Caylen in her arms. She ushers us into the house. Then my phone rings.

It’s Dexter. I feel my blood
pressure start to rise just seeing his name. I’ve called him a thousand times and
now
he decides to call back. I quickly excuse myself from the room and step on the front porch. I wrap the phone tightly in my hand and let out a deep breath before answering.

“Chris, I presume?” he says
, his tone slightly amused, and it makes me want to hang up the phone right then and there.

“Very funny
, Dexter,” I say tightly, trying to maintain my composure.

“I think it’s time we had a little chat
. Don’t you?”

“I think it’s long overdue,” I reply
. I see Dexter’s limo pull up. He lets the window down and displays a wide gleeful smile.

“You picked the perfect time to show up. Want to come in, grab a drink?” I ask sarcastically.

“That’ won’t be necessary,” he says, opening the door for me, and I begrudgingly get in and feel the car pull off.

“So. The
cat’s been let out of the bag, so to speak?” he asks, closing his laptop.

“I can imagine how freed you must feel. I
personally feel like a burden’s been lifted off me.” He takes a sip from his water bottle. “You know I’m not one who enjoys keeping secrets.” He chuckles, and I want to punch the sarcasm right out of him. “You’re pretty quiet. You called me quite a bit. I’d think you’d have a thousand questions for me,” he says, leaning back into his seat.

I try to think rationally and calmly. Dexter probably knows more about me
or this Cal guy than my parents. Of course him and Cal were close, they’re both jerks and jerks usually tend to get along.

             
“You helped him do this,” I say, clasping my hands together to keep them from wrapping around his neck.  He smirks.

             
“Do what, exactly? “He says, feigning innocence.

             
“Steal, ruin, and take over my life. None of this rings a bell?” I say, not hiding my bitterness. He only smirks.