Before and Ever Since (9781101612286) (22 page)

“Until I was born.”

I nodded slowly. “There was no doubt,” I said softly. “But Kevin was in love with you, and I couldn't take that away.” I took her hand, and the fact that she didn't pull it away gave me courage. “Baby, I'm not justifying what I did. I probably did everything all wrong, but you've had a great dad that loves you over the moon and back.”

“I know.” She was quiet for a moment, appearing to process everything. “So that's why you freaked out when Ben showed up back in town?”

I sighed. “Just a little.”

Her eyes teared up. “Josh asked me to marry him.”

“I know.”

“How do I know it's right?” she asked. “You and Dad weren't right. He wasn't even Dad.”

“Yes, he was,” I said. “He earned that title, Cass. And as far as being right goes?” I gestured around the room. “Who's been here? Josh hasn't left your side in three days, he's barely eaten. He's the real deal, honey. If that doesn't tell you something, then I don't know what you want. You need to make that right.”

She hit the channels on the remote, sending the TV into a silent surfing frenzy. “So does everyone know now?” she asked.

I inhaled deeply and let it go. “Pretty much. Ben giving you blood because
we
didn't qualify was quite the train wreck.”

She frowned. “That's how Dad found out?”

“That's how they both found out. With me standing in between them. It wasn't my finest moment.”

“I'm sorry,” she said softly.

“It's okay.”

“No—I mean, I'm sorry, Mom,” she said, two big tears spilling from her eyes. “I'm sorry I caused all this mess.”

I squeezed her hand. “You didn't cause it, doodlebug. I kept this secret. The chain of events to unravel it kicked into gear the day Ben came back into town. It was just a matter of time.”

“What about Ben?” I blinked and she looked down. “What does he think about it?”

I fought the tremble in my mouth. “He's—pretty devastated. But he's so proud of you.”

“Is he still here?”

I shook my head. “He left last night. He needed to get things sorted out, I think.”
Or get the hell away from me.
I pushed a small smile. “Like somebody else I know.”

“Is he mad at you?”

I chuckled. “Oh, yeah. But mostly he's just hurt.” The burn filled my eyes again. “Overwhelmed that he missed your whole life and didn't even know it.”

“You love him again, don't you?” she asked. I met her eyes and blinked my tears free. “I've never seen you like this with anyone else.”

I nodded. “I do,” I said, hearing the shake in my voice and hating it. I cleared my throat. “But it doesn't matter, baby girl. What matters right now is getting you well and out of here.”

“Don't change the subject,” she said.

I swiped fingers under my eyes and blew out a breath. “Ben is a point I can't control or fix. You are my priority right now.”

“And I'll be okay,” she said. “He loves you, too, Mom.” I closed my eyes, remembering those last words he said to me. “If Ben's the real deal for
you
,” she began, “you need to go make it right.”

I had to give myself a couple of seconds on that one. “I hate it when you use my words.”

“I know,” she said as I got up and readjusted my purse on my shoulder. “Where are you going?” she asked. “Josh clearly left you to babysit. And when do I get more than one visitor?”

“When you get out of ICU,” I said. “And Nana has something to talk to you about.”

“Nana's here?”

I went outside to get Mom, and she walked nonchalantly to the hallway door. “Bernie doesn't know about the money, so don't say anything,” she said under her breath to me as she clutched her purse.

I raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

“I just don't want her knowing I have that kind of money,” she said. “She tends to want to spend whatever's around.”

I looked past her to where Aunt Bernie and Holly were chatting in the waiting area, and Holly looked as if she wished for UFOs to beam her up.

“Okay,” I said, shrugging. “But tell me you aren't just going to hand her that cash, to keep around
here
?” I gestured around us.

“No, and thank you for thinking I'm that brainless,” she said, giving me a look. “I'm going to the bank from here. Putting it in a little savings account for her. Just want to show it to her first.”

I hugged my mom. “You're amazing, you know that?”

“Yeah, I know that.”

•   •   •

I
T WAS THE NEXT NIGHT BEFORE
C
ASSIDY WAS MOVED TO A REGULAR
room, and another week and a half before she was released. Normally, she would have walked her muscles stronger after the surgery, being dragged from bed at crazy times of night to shuffle around the nurses' station. Having only one good leg pushed out the healing.

She didn't argue too much when I insisted she stay with me for a couple of weeks. Not because I was that awesome, but because I had the only house with one floor. Her apartment, Josh's apartment—everything was stair-challenged for her, so I got her old room fluffed and cleaned up. And by that, I mean I actually did it myself, instead of paying someone else to do it.

I had nothing else to do every night when I'd get home from the hospital. I had no active clients since I'd referred them all to other Realtors. All, meaning three. And I had no other kind of life other than going to Mom's to play Scrabble with her and Aunt Bernie.

And that was just sad.

I couldn't bring myself to go “make it right” with Ben. I had pursued him enough, and then slammed him with the shock of a lifetime. He could either make up his mind to forgive me or decide it was too much. However he played it, it had to be his decision.

I was so busy making sure that Cassidy was taken care of and had everything she needed to heal properly that I didn't have time to sit and ponder the what-ifs. Or whether he knew that it had been exactly twenty days since he left me in that little chapel.

But at night, lying alone in my bed, I'd look at his pillow and picture him sleeping. Every morning was a weird mixture of feeling a little bit emptier and a little bit stronger. He'd left me before. I could ride it out again.

I had just helped Cassidy from her room to the couch one morning, with pillows, a steaming mug of coffee, and the remote, when my doorbell rang. I opened it, already knowing it was Josh, coming to take care of his woman. I had to hand it to him, he was dedicated. Only problem was he kept bringing their things over and leaving them there so she'd feel at home. Her movie collection. Her favorite pillows. His favorite video game and headphones. I was slowly becoming their vacation house.

He waved on his way in but pointed behind him. “Your mom's here,” he said.

I waited as she ambled up the sidewalk. “Hey,” I said. “What's up?”

“I assume you have coffee?” she asked, pushing the arms of her royal blue velour jogging suit up.

“Of course,” I said. “What's with the outfit?”

“Bernie bought it for me.”

“Ah, that explains it.”

She gestured the same to me as she came in and I shut the door. “What's with yours?”

I had on ratty blue flannel pajamas with two buttons missing and a tank top underneath. “I'm comfortable.”

We poured our cups, getting ready to go out in the backyard. I needed some of the sunshine I'd heard rumors about, something to make the yuck go away.

“I don't get a hello?” Cassidy said to Mom, feigning hurt feelings.

Mom waved. “Hello!”

The two of them had sat nearly every night poring over the internet travel sites, as Mom helped her plan the perfect honeymoon trip for her and Josh. She'd also brought the telescope. Presumably for Cassidy, but we'd have to see.

“We'll be in the back for a while,” I said.

“Show him your notes,” Mom said over her shoulder, and Cass held up her travel spiral notebook victoriously.

“I miss the swing,” she said. “I want to come, too.”

“Maybe later, I'll put a lawn chair out there for you,” I said. “Something a little more stable than the swing.”

“Deal,” she said.

“I'll bring ours,” Josh said.

I put on a smile. “Fabulous.”

Mom and I breathed in deep as we walked out, the air fresh and crisp and remarkably dry under a perfect sky. The swing swayed gently under our feet as the coffee warmed our insides.

“Has Kevin been coming by still?”

“Yeah,” I said. “Every couple of days, he comes by and walks around the block with her.” I laughed. “Takes about an hour to do that at her pace, so they've been talking.”

“I'm so glad.”

“Me, too.”

“And Ben?”

I felt myself wilt a little. “What about him?”

She nudged me. “You know what about him. Don't play dumb with me.”

I shrugged. “There's nothing to tell, Mom. I haven't seen him.”

There was a pause, and then she asked, “Has Cassidy said anything about him?”

“She's asked some questions here and there,” I said, tracing the rim of my cup with my finger. “Mostly, I've told her she can ask him anything she wants to know, which I'm hoping is true. She said she would kind of like to know him better. She has a cousin, you know. Bobby's son.”

“Holy crap, I didn't think about that,” she said, looking at me. “Did she know him?”

I shook my head. “They put him in private school.”

“You know those new condo places they built last year?” Mom asked. “Overlooking the river?”

I got whiplash from the subject change. “Yeah.”

She took a sip of coffee. “I went and talked to the office people there today.”

I looked at her in surprise. “For?”

“Me to lease one.”

That was the second time she had rendered me speechless.

“Um—”

She waved a hand. “I know. I know what I said—all the traveling, blah, blah, blah. But you know what?” she said, scrunching up her nose. “Turns out I'm having more fun planning Cassidy's trips than my own.”

“But—that won't be forever, Mom.”

“I know,” she said. “But it got me thinking about doing that for other people.”

“Oh, lord.” I had to laugh. “I thought you wanted to do something with cooking.”

“I could combine it,” she said. “And I don't want that big house anymore, but just a little place I wouldn't have to keep up much with would be okay.”

“And—Aunt Bernie?”

She shrugged and took another sip. “I could go for quick trips when she's nearby, and then come back.” She turned to face me. “Cassidy's little doo-ditty showed me what's important. I want to be around for my family.”

“Have you told Aunt Bernie?”

“Yep,” she said. “She's gonna leave in a day or two and come back in a couple of months. I'll probably be settled and ready for a little road trip by then.”

I looked in her wise eyes and gave her a smile. “Okay then. My mom's getting a condo.”

“Is that embarrassing?”

“Not at all,” I said with a shake of my head. “I'll take that over Big Blue any day.”

She laughed, and then the sound of the gate latch shutting caught both of our attention and we turned. Two seconds later, I forgot all about condos.

CHAPTER

20

B
EN STROLLED SLOWLY AROUND THE HEDGE, STOPPING WHEN
he saw us.

Lots of things stopped on me, too. My feet, for instance, lost their blood supply in seconds.
Protecting the heart
.

“Hey,” he said, his voice sending my skin on a little ride.

“Hey.”

He pointed behind him at the gate. “Josh said you were back here.” He glanced at the back door window. “I didn't want to go through the house.”

I got to my feet, so happy that I could stand on them and not fall over.

He crossed his arms. “Morning, Mrs. Lattimer,” he said with a warm smile.

“Good morning, Ben,” she said, her voice full of smiles and innuendo and I wanted to shove her off the swing for it. “Missed you, lately.”

He nodded but didn't address that. Instead, he returned his gaze to me. “Is it a bad time?”

“No!” Mom said, jumping off that swing like she was a spry little kid. “I was just thinking I needed to go whip up something to eat.”

“Really?” I said.

“Sure was,” she said, lifting her chin. “My Cass loves waffles.”

“You're gonna make waffles?”

“I'm gonna make whatever I can find in your kitchen,” she said with a haughty look. She winked at me though before she went through the back door.

And then we were alone. Ben in his standard jeans and shirt over a T-shirt. Me in pajamas. Again. Much crappier ones. But the wiggle in my belly was not about my attire. The more disturbing issue at hand was the intensity in his gaze. He didn't blink. He didn't move. And all I could do was grip my cup with all I had and hold my head up high. If he was coming to tell me good-bye, then that was his prerogative. I would not cry. I would not crumble in front of him.

“How is she doing?” he asked, his voice quiet. He walked a few steps and stopped again.

I nodded. “She's getting better every day. It's just slow going.”

We looked at each other until I thought my skin would catch fire. Something had to give, or start, or end.

“Ben—”

He closed his eyes as if he dreaded speaking. When he opened them again, I saw the struggle. He took another couple of steps, bringing him just out of touching reach. I focused on his hands, the rough callouses and skin that I remembered felt like heaven on my face.

“Were you ever gonna tell me?” he said.

My breath left me. I didn't have an answer for that. “I was about to tell you when the police called me,” I said.

He shook his head slowly. “If that hadn't happened. If she'd never overheard it, if none of that ever went down?” he said, nailing me down. “Would you have ever told me that I had a daughter?” he repeated.

I looked at him with my chin up, not letting myself falter. “I don't know, Ben.” His expression of hurt pained me, but I wasn't going to lie anymore. “I'm sorry,” I said. “I didn't know how to go there. How to tell you without Cass or Kevin knowing. How to tell her without Kevin or you finding out. There wasn't a solution that didn't hurt someone.”

He walked up closer, inches from me. His eyes looked raw, like he hadn't been sleeping. “I know I was gone. I know—you thought I left you—and so I'm not dogging you for giving up on me,” he said, his voice cracking a little. “But do you know what it would have meant—” He stopped and angry tears filled his eyes. “To my mother?”

I shut my eyes to the pain in his face.

“She didn't go anywhere,” he said, pointing behind him. “She was right there, in my house. My brother was right across town.”

I nodded, my eyes still closed as tears leaked out beneath them.

“I was wrong for that, Ben,” I said. I opened my eyes and the tears fell hot down my cheeks. “I'm sorry. I'm so—so sorry.” Seemed like I was saying that a lot.

He ran a sleeve across his eyes. “So am I.”

So it was good-bye, then. Okay.

He turned around and let out a ragged sigh as he walked back around the side of the house and through the gate, clicking it shut. I stood there, feeling the burn and the horrible, stirred-up hole of acid in the pit of my stomach. Okay, he'd seen me cry, after all, but I hadn't crumbled.

I couldn't make my feet move, however. All I could do was stare at the place he'd been standing, and cry softly for the only man I'd ever truly given my heart and soul to.

Finally, I turned around and walked in the house. Josh and Cass were involved in a show, but Mom turned from the open refrigerator when she heard the door. Her face fell when she looked at me, and she shut the fridge and came over to wrap me up in a big hug.

“What did he say, honey?”

“Not much,” I said, sniffling. “Basically that I'm a big, fat liar.”

“He said that?”

“No, but it all meant the same thing.”

She chuckled silently and rubbed my back.

“I'm sorry, baby.”

I pulled back and went for a paper towel to mop up the mess that was my face.

“It's okay,” I said. “I think I already knew it was done for, I just—still had that grain of hope, I guess.” I wiped my face and sucked in a fast breath to cleanse everything from my head. “Okay, enough of this. Do we have waffle stuff?”

She paused and then went with it. “You barely even have cereal.”

“Kinda what I thought,” I said. “Let me go throw some clothes on and put a bag over my head, and I'll make a quick run to the store.”

“I can go, Emmie.”

I shook my head. “I'm better when I'm moving.”

She nodded and winked and gave my hand a squeeze. “Okay then. Get moving.”

I passed behind the couch on my way to my bedroom. Behind where Cassidy and Josh were heavy into a discussion about music videos.

“Mom?” she said.

“Yeah?” I responded, pretending to pick up an imaginary something off the floor.

“Ben came by?”

I chewed at my lip and turned to her as she looked at me from her awkward angle. There was an odd expression of curiosity there. Or hope.

“Yes.”

Her eyes registered my appearance. “I guess it didn't go well.”

I linked fingers with her over the couch. “He asked how you were doing, doodlebug. Feel free to reach out on that anytime you want.”

She raised an eyebrow. “That's not what I asked.”

I squeezed her finger and smiled. “I know.”

It only took me a few minutes to wash my face, slap on a little powder, throw a sweatshirt and jeans on, and twist my hair up in a clip. I smiled in the mirror before I left the bathroom, insistent on not letting the knife in my gut get me down. I was better than that. I had done the best I could do at the time, and the best I could do since. That probably wasn't true, and most likely I could have made some better choices, but it was what it was. I took a deep breath and decided that I was clichéd out.

“Back in a bit,” I called over my shoulder as I opened the front door. But my words were cut as short as my steps as the door shut behind me and I found myself staring into Ben Landry's face again.

O
R NOT ACTUALLY UP IN HIS FACE.
M
ORE LIKE ACROSS THE
yard. But the shock value of him still being there, and looking at me, and—still being there! He might as well have been two inches away.

After the stutter step, and the funky little noise that came out of my throat, I made my way around the porch and through the yard toward where he stood leaning against his truck with his arms crossed. His eyes never left me, but I couldn't read them. I stopped about a foot away, thinking it was a reasonable personal space and yet he could still touch me if he wanted. If
he
wanted.

“I thought you left,” I said. My voice didn't sound right. I crossed my arms, too, so we could match.

“I thought you'd be eating waffles,” he said. His eyes looked so tired, I wondered if his staying was more from being too exhausted to make it inside his truck.

“Going to—get the stuff,” I said, pointing toward my car. That he was parked behind.

He nodded, and then took a long, deep breath.

“I couldn't leave,” he said, the words barely a whisper. I didn't dare breathe, waiting for the why and the whatever came next. “I got in and out twice already. But seeing you—” A look of almost unbearable sadness came over his face. “And knowing she's right in there—I couldn't drive away.”

Everything in my body wanted to close the gap and touch him, go into his arms, bury my face in the warmth, and wrap myself around him. I crossed my arms tighter to avoid the urge.

“You're welcome to go talk to her,” I said, thinking it easier to just make it about Cassidy. “She's been wanting to talk to you, too.”

His eyes woke up for the first time since he'd been there. “She has?”

I gave a little smile and nodded. “Yeah. She liked you already, Ben. Now she wants to get to know you a little.” I looked down at a rock stuck in the grass, and I toed it with my sneaker. “That's up to you, though.”

He looked at the front door like it had gold behind it. And I guess it did.

I readjusted my bag. “If you're gonna do it now, though, can you move your truck? I need to go get that waffle mix or my mother will—”

My words died on my lips as his hand landed warm against the side of my neck, gently drawing me closer to him. I looked into his eyes for answers but only got questions.

“I don't know, Emily,” he whispered, as if reading my mind. “I don't know what to do, or how this will work. Or if it will.” His other hand tucked a fallen lock of hair behind my ear, and I thought my ear might catch fire. “But I know I can't go the rest of my life and not try to know my daughter.” His eyes pierced mine. “And there's no way I can walk away from you again.”

Rather than try to talk, or ask anything that could spoil the magic of that statement, I took the gamble and moved forward, burying my face in his shirt. I wound my arms around his back, and he responded by pulling me to him so tightly it nearly squeezed the breath out of me. I didn't care. Breathing was overrated.

“I can't promise you this is going to be easy, Em,” he said, his words warm in my hair. “It's gonna take me some time.”

“I'm not going anywhere,” I said against the base of his throat.

He kissed the top of my head, and that was like a magnet for me. I lifted my face and found his lips and that was all I needed.

A
UNT
B
ERNIE LEFT IN A BLAZE OF
B
LUE, WITH MUCH FUSSING
and weeping and promises to be back in a couple of months to steal Mom from her hip new condo and take her on the ride of her life. Holly and I put Cass in the car and brought her over for the big farewell. Josh, too. And Ben, too. He actually carried her from the car to a lawn chair. They were connecting. Slowly.

Rather than move Cass more, the guys found additional lawn chairs in Mom's garage, and decided to have a yard party right there on the front lawn. Holly left to get her big cooler and some ice, and Mom got distracted by too many fallen sticks in the yard and had to go gathering.

I had something to do. I excused myself for the bathroom and headed to the stairs. Tandy met me and acted as if she wanted to follow me. I felt sorry for her that second and knelt to pet her, which surprisingly she let me do.

“You're probably confused, huh?” I said, scratching her chest. “Be glad you get a condo, girl. You just got a reprieve.”

I took a deep breath and headed upstairs. The room that I had shunned for a while was calling to me. Not really—not in the way that various parts of my mother's house had called to me in the past month or two. It was just something I wanted to touch base with.

I walked in the now totally empty room and sat on the window seat, moving the blinds so I could see out. I felt a sense of sadness, knowing I would soon not be able to do that anymore. Would the new owners go out on the roof to look at the stars? More than likely, they'd use a chair in the backyard.

I pulled my knees up to me and thought about everything I'd seen in the past two months. Everywhere I'd been. All the direct results of what that house tried so hard to show me.

“Thank you,” I whispered, feeling a little silly about it but knowing it was necessary somehow. I closed my eyes. “So much. You changed our lives.”

“Whatcha doing up here, honey?” my mother asked, breaking my reverie as she entered the room.

I smiled at her and shrugged, trying to shake off the weirdness I'd just felt. “Just thinking back, I guess.”

“I've been doing a lot of that, myself,” she said. “Hard not to after being here so long. Raising a family.”

“Seems like our whole lives were here inside this house. Even after Holly and I left, like we were still here.”

“Yes, they were,” she said, looking around from the walls to the ceiling. “Lots of memories in these walls.” She leaned over and hugged my neck. “Sometimes I wonder what they'd say if they could tell all the secrets they absorb,” she said on a chuckle.

I looked up at her and then let my eyes travel the room.

“You'd be surprised.”