Before and Ever Since (9781101612286) (20 page)

“Are you O positive?” the doctor asked.

“No, I'm A,” Kevin said, still rolling.

“Then we can't use you,” she said, already gesturing to me. I saw Kevin's face fall, and then the doctor's voice sounded like she was talking from a well as she put her hand on my shoulder and asked me to come with her. But all I could do was shake my head.

“Emily, go,” Kevin said, his voice cracking. “What's the matter?”

“I'm A positive, too,” I said, on a whisper, feeling the bile rise up in my throat. Feeling the panic I prayed I'd never feel, but not giving a shit at that moment about something that petty.

It was my prayer.
Whatever it took.

I turned out of Dr. Somebody's grasp before she could put words to the question in her mind, and looked up into Ben's face, the whole movement feeling like slow motion. He looked into my eyes, the question already there, but he read it in an instant. He was a smart man. His eyes registered everything right there in front of me. Confusion, disbelief, and then realization and shock, before filling with tears.

“Hate me later, Ben,” I whispered, the tears streaming down my face. “Please—”

He tore his eyes from me and yanked his jacket off, letting it drop to the floor. “I'm O positive,” he said quietly, swiping a hand across his face as the tears blinked free. “Let's go.”

The doctor only hesitated briefly, giving me a quick glance before leading Ben off down the hall. I watched his back as he strode like a man wanting to rip something apart. Probably me.

It was done. The secret was out. And my baby was lying in a hospital bed and needing surgery because of it. The man I loved was just mentally kicked in the nuts, and the man who raised her—

“Emily.”

Kevin's voice cracked on my name, and I turned around slowly, not feeling my legs anymore. I felt my mother's hands on my arms, and I thought for a minute they would have to hold me up.

He was shaking, crying, and Sherry was holding his arm. I had the most random thought that in all the years I'd known him, I'd never seen him look so bad. He looked old. Like I had literally added twenty years to him.

“What the living hell—just happened?” he said, his words clipped and ragged.

His eyes weren't there yet. He hadn't quite let himself believe what he'd just seen. Ben Landry was going to give blood to his daughter. I could see the thoughts playing out. He wasn't allowing it to be true.

“Let's go sit down,” Sherry said, gesturing to some chairs nearby. “Before both of you fall down.”

I nodded, and headed that way, but Kevin yanked his arm free of her.

“No,” he said, swinging me around and pulling me out of Mom's grip. “You tell me,” he said through his teeth. Tears and disbelief poured from his eyes. He was begging me to make it not so. The anger slipped for a second, and it was just pure grief. “Please, Emily—”

I felt my illegal hamburger coming up, inch by inch, with every sob. “I'm sorry,” I managed to push out. “I'm so sorry, Kevin.”

His face slowly went blank, his eyes dead. The tears kept coming but it was like there was nothing driving them. “No,” he finally whispered. “You didn't—” He shut his eyes and shook his head as if that would knock the thought away. “I'm her father,” he said, his voice hard and thick on each word.

I closed my eyes, unable to stand the torture on his face any longer. “I wanted you to be,” I whispered. “I didn't know unti—”

He grabbed the front of my shirt and pushed me backward, making me gasp and fling my eyes open wide. Sherry cried out, and my mom yelled out expletives.

“You self-righteous bitch,” Kevin spat in my face, pain so etched into his features I didn't think anything would ever make it better. “How dare you beat me up all these years!”

Everyone came running to pull at him, but I didn't fight him. I deserved it.

“Raking me over the coals for what I did,” he yelled in my face. The yelling wasn't the bad part, it was the agony in his voice that ripped at my heart. “When you were fucking Landry back then.”

I shook my head. I could hear Sherry talking, pleading with him, reasoning with him. I could hear my mother fussing and feel people pulling at us, but it was all like white noise.

“No, I wasn't,” I sobbed. “It was after you and I broke up, just one time.” I had to stop and catch a breath. “Before he left town.” I grabbed at his hands. “Kevin, please, Cassidy needs us right now.”

“Us?” he said, acid lacing his words. “That's rich, Em. Us.” He let go of me with a fling and a push, shoving at everyone else that was groping at him as well. He started to sling another insult at me, but something inside him finally broke, and he crumpled right there in Sherry's arms in the middle of the lobby.

I couldn't breathe. I had destroyed so many people with my deception. Not intentionally, but the result was the same. I backed up slowly till I met with wall, and I slid down the smooth white surface till the floor welcomed me. There was a small couch on either side of me, but I curled my legs up against me and stayed where I was.

Mom was crying and came to sit on the couch, holding Ben's jacket. “Honey, come up here,” she said, but I shook my head.

“I'm good,” I said. I didn't hear the words come out but they seemed to as she patted my hands.

“She's gonna be okay,” she said. “They're gonna fix everything. She'll be okay.”

“Nothing's gonna be okay,” I said, holding my head. “Ever again.”

“It may not be the same,” Mom said, trying to reach Holly again for the fiftieth time. “But it will be okay, honey. You'll see. Things have a way.”

I watched Kevin and Sherry go to the chairs at the opposite wall and sit down. She was talking softly to him and rubbing his back. He was right, she was great, and he was smart to love her. He was a moron for cheating on her.

And I had destroyed him. And possibly Ben, too. But none of that mattered as much as the girl in the bed. I came close to destroying her and losing her, and that thought once again brought the anguish to the surface.

I heard a ruckus and looked up to see Josh skidding to a stop at the nurses' station.

“Cassidy Lockwood?” he said, his voice panicked. “Is she here?”

“Oh, shit, I forgot—” I began, but my mother got up and went to him, putting an arm around him and walking down the hall a little way. They stopped after several feet and he stared down at her, his reddened face making his blond hair glow. I could tell he was crying even from that far away, and she hugged him till he let go on his own. She linked an arm in his and led him back down to us and put him in a chair on our side. He didn't say anything, just sat bent over with his elbows on his knees, sniffling every few minutes. I wondered if Cassidy's ring was still with him.

A nurse came to talk to us. The police came to talk to us. An intern came to talk to us. Ben didn't return. I didn't really expect him to, but I found myself envious of Kevin having Sherry there. And then I knew how far I'd fallen, to be envious of Kevin for anything.

I reached for his jacket from Mom and pulled it to me, smelling his scent, closing my eyes to pretend he was there with me. Which pretty much knocked me down the rest of the way.

I didn't care. I kept watch on the nurses' station, looking for any kind of activity on the spot I knew her chart was kept. I watched Josh put mileage on the rug, wearing out the same spot many others before him had worn. And I tried not to make eye contact with Kevin, who was doing all the same things on his side.

I was still sitting in the same spot, my arms around the jacket and my forehead resting against it when Mom nudged me. I jumped, thinking it was the doctor, but then she laid a hand on my shoulder and I looked up to see Ben enter our little alcove.

His dark eyes were raw and swollen, the lids heavy. He didn't even look my way, but he locked eyes with Kevin. I couldn't read either of their expressions to know if it was hatred or anger—or indifference. Kevin just looked blank. Robotic. Ben walked to the back chairs and sat down alone, elbows on knees, head on fists. Kevin's gaze followed him and then landed on me, and it wasn't blank. It celebrated the fact that I'd destroyed that, too.

•   •   •

I
T WAS CLOSE TO MIDNIGHT WHEN THE DOCTOR
I
FOUND OUT
was named Dr. Branson finally came out, looking tired. I scrambled to my feet, hoping I didn't fall on my face from everything going stiff and numb. Kevin focused on her and refused to look at me.

“Cassidy came through just fine,” she said, pulling off her scrub cap. “She does have three fractured ribs on her left side, and bruising to her colon.”

I grabbed my mother's hand and breathed a sigh of relief. “And the bleeding?”

“Was from a nick to her spleen,” she said.

“Oh, God,” Kevin said, rubbing at his face.

“No, we got to it in plenty of time, closed it up, cleaned everything out; she will be fine,” Dr. Branson said, holding up a hand. “There were open gashes to her abdomen so there are staples, but she was incredibly lucky in so many ways. Just going to be in a lot of pain for a while. We did go ahead and set her leg while we had her under, since the rest of the surgery went so well.”

“Okay,” I said. “What—um—” I couldn't think clearly. “How long will she be asleep?”

“Till morning, at least,” she said. “And I will warn you, since you haven't seen her yet, she did sustain some cuts and bruises to her head and face, but they're minor and will heal. She's got a mild concussion, but nothing to worry about since she'll be here for a bit anyway.” She smiled at me. “I can't tell you enough how miraculous this was. A wreck like that—somebody had their hand over all the important parts.”

We thanked her, she left, and we stood there. Mom walked off to update Aunt Bernie and try to reach Holly. My entire body seemed to let go at once, as I stood there alone, and I started shaking uncontrollably. I couldn't stop. I made it to the couch and hugged myself as tight as I could, trying to will it to quit, but then the tears and the nausea came back, and no amount of mind control would stop it.

I finally got up to make a run for the bathroom. I was halfway there, when I felt light-headed and my knees gave way. I felt the earth coming up at me, but I never landed. Arms that I'd know in my sleep caught me. He adjusted me against his chest, and through the haze and the head-to-toe buzz, I felt his words in my hair.

“I've got you, just breathe,” he said. “Steady breaths.”

“I'm—I'm good,” I heard myself say.

“Yeah, just come on,” he said, walking me somewhere.

Ben walked me into the ladies' room, apologized to two women in there, and brought me to the sink to run cold water over my wrists, which wouldn't be still. I looked around for the nearest stall, refusing to puke in front of him, and half crawled to the toilet. I retched violently, as my body felt like it was beating me up for everything I'd ever done. I sobbed harder as my stomach convulsed over and over. Dimly, I was aware of him kneeling behind me and holding my hair, and as mortifying as that was I loved him for it. Especially since I knew he hated me right then.

The trembling receded, the buzzing got lower, and I blinked in the light until my vision was semi-normal. I was exhausted. It was worse than any hangover I'd ever had.

“I'm—sorry,” I said on jerky breaths. “I don't know why this—happened.”

“Shock,” he said. “The comedown can do that.”

He handed me a cold, wet paper towel, and I held it against my face. What I really wanted was to jump in that toilet and flush. I had a flashback to finding out I was pregnant and alone and thinking it was the worst thing that could possibly happen. I was so naïve. Having Cass was the single best thing in my life. Almost losing her then was the absolute worst.

I stayed there, crying quietly into the toilet, wishing he would leave me there.

“Come on,” he said, backing up so I could crawl out backward.

I did and rose shakily to my feet, heading to the sink to wash my mouth out.

“Still feel sick?” he asked.

I shook my head. “I don't think so.” I looked at him until he came into focus, and then I looked back down at the counter as I felt crying potential coming on again. “Thank you, you didn't have to do this.”

“Well, I couldn't let you pass out on the floor.”

I nodded and took a chance, meeting his eyes. The distance there hit me to the core. “Thank you.” I hoped he could read my worn-out, swollen, red eyes and know that was for everything. Saving Cassidy's life without hesitation. Everything.

His mouth twitched, and he looked away. “No problem.”

My heart ached for him. “Ben—”

“Not now,” he said, his words clipped. He closed his eyes and let out a slow, controlled breath. “Not yet, okay?”

I blinked back the burn, knowing I had to give him that. “Okay,” I whispered.

When he opened his eyes again, the pain there, the tears reddening them, broke my heart into five hundred little pieces. But he opened the door for me anyway.

CHAPTER

18

I
WOKE UP TO A NURSE'S VOICE OVER THE INTERCOM, PAGING
someone named Dr. George. I'd slept off and on curled up on one of the couches, with Ben's jacket as a blanket, and I could feel the weight of my two-hundred-pound eyeballs as I tried to clear them. Sleeping after crying was never pretty with me. And my mouth tasted like rotten dragon dung.

Sherry was asleep in Kevin's lap, as he stared straight ahead at nothing. Mom had left around two in the morning, promising to come back later. Josh was curled up in a chair like a little boy. Ben was gone. My heart fell a little further at that.

“Your boyfriend went to get coffee,” Kevin said, his voice flat and free of bite. It worried me a little.

I just looked at him, not trusting that my voice would even work yet. He gently lifted Sherry's head and slid out from under her so he could stand and stretch. His hair stood on end in places, and I noticed his two-day growth was going a little lighter than blond.

“Does Cassidy know?” he asked.

I leaned forward and massaged my temples, since a screaming headache was another joyful by-product of the night before. “Yes.”

“What?”

The word bounced around the room, against my ears, against my body. I kept my head down. “Can you give me a few minutes to pull myself together before you lay into me?” I asked. “I can't even think right now.”

“That's all I've done is think,” he said. “All night. About everything. When did Cass find out?”

“Kevin, ple—”

“When?”

I blew out a breath. “Yesterday.”

I waited in that pause, almost hearing the thoughts form in his head.

“You told her.” It was a statement, not a question, and it was barely audible.

I shook my head, still holding it down. “She overheard us talking.”

“You and Landry?”

I looked up. “No. Me and Holly and Mom. Ben didn't know, either.”

“And she left upset?” Kevin said through his teeth, walking closer.

I closed my eyes, or as much as they would close. “Yes. I tried to stop her, to talk to her, but she's stubborn and tempered like you.”

It was out of my mouth before I could think about it, and there was no taking it back.

“She's nothing like me,” he said, his voice wobbling on the words, and I was hit with the irony of her saying those same words about him.

“Yes, she is,” I said, looking up at him. “You raised her, Kevin. How can she not be?”

But he didn't hear me. “She's like him,” he said in a whisper. I saw Ben return out of the corner of my eye, holding a cardboard cup carrier, and Kevin turned to follow my gaze. “Yes, him. So many things I see about her now, that I never thought to question.”

Sherry stirred on the couch. “Kevin?”

“Like how the hell do you get brown eyes in three generations of blue-eyed people on both sides? Hmm.” He walked up close to me and looked down into my face with anger but also an emptiness that I knew was impossible to fill.

“I'm sorry,” I said, feeling like it was an echo.

“You're sorry,” he repeated, grabbing one of my hands and yanking me up. He turned to Ben. “Does that make
you
feel better? Because she fucked you over, too, evidently.”

Ben's jaw tightened. “Look, this isn't the place or the time—”

“Oh, yeah, it is,” Kevin said. “How does it feel, Landry?”

“Don't,” I said, feeling the hint of warning bells.

“Congratulations, it's a girl!”

“Kevin!” Sherry said, swinging her feet down.

“How does it feel to find out somebody else raised your only child?” Kevin asked, raising his arms in question.

“Stop it!” I yelled, shoving one of his arms down. “You're making it worse. We'll deal with this later; right now it's about that girl in there.”

Kevin wheeled around and had my face in his hands before I could even take a breath, backing me up a step. “Exactly,” he hissed. “And
that girl in there
is still yours.” His mouth trembled with the effort not to cry. “I have nothing. You took the one thing I thought I did right in my life away from me.”

I was tired. More than exhausted, I was tired of being the bad guy. I pulled his hands off me and started to say that, when Ben spoke first.

“Excuse me, you have nothing?” Ben said, his voice quiet but firm.

Kevin turned to him, a look of disbelief across his face. “You really don't want to do this right now.”

“No, you brought this show,” Ben said, setting the tray of steaming cups down. “You want to push Emily around and make a bunch of noise, come on.” He stepped up and crossed his arms so there wouldn't be confrontation. “I know you're upset, Lockwood. You have every right to be. But, my God,” he said through his teeth as his own emotion came to the surface. “That girl is amazing. And you got to—” Ben stopped as tears sprang to his eyes and his voice failed him. “You got to hold her at night when she had a nightmare, see her take her first steps, teach her to ride a—”

He scrubbed angrily at his face as the flood wouldn't stop once he let it open. I didn't even know I was crying, too, until the drops fell wet on my hand.

“Don't you ever tell me you have nothing,” Ben continued. “Because you got it all, buddy. And just because a little DNA got in the way, that doesn't change twenty-one years.” He pointed randomly off to the side. “You think she ran off and wrapped her car around a tree because she was
happy
?”

He wiped his eyes again and grabbed one of the cups before he walked off down a hallway to nowhere. I turned around to find my chair and met Josh's gaze. Quiet Josh, who'd sat there all night in complete silence, looked at me like I had personally pulled his life apart. That line was growing.

•   •   •

T
IME RAN ON A LONG LOOP CIRCUIT, BEING INSIDE WITH NO
windows. I had no sense of day or night, except for when the meal carts came around. Cassidy was moved to a room but still hadn't woken up past stirring, so we took turns sitting with her. Her doctor told us that it was normal that she didn't wake up right away, due to the head trauma. While that made sense, it turned me inside out. She looked so young and fragile, all hooked up to tubes and wrapped up. Her head was bandaged on one side, and her face was swollen and cut up and purple from an apparent face-plant with the steering wheel and much broken glass.

Josh made his stand. Anyone could come and go as they wanted to, but he wasn't leaving her side. I didn't argue with him; I had to respect him for that. I sat on the other side of her, holding her hand, begging her silently to forgive me.

Holly came with fresh clothes for me, having finally heard the news when my mother physically went to her house. Mom and Aunt Bernie came and checked on Cass, checked on me, and watched Kevin and Ben for spontaneous combustion, but the two mostly avoided each other. Ben was the only one who never went in Cassidy's room. He stayed in the waiting room, hour after hour, getting drinks or snacks when people needed them, leafing through every magazine there was, but not saying much. He never asked for a visit with her. And I was afraid to offer it, for fear that would be the moment she'd wake up. I didn't think that would be the best thing to start her recovery with.

I found it interesting that Kevin finally broke to the hygiene gods and had to leave for a quick shower, whereas neither Ben nor I did. I didn't care if I smelled. I only needed to see her wake up and talk to me. Ben was looking pretty rough, himself, his dark beard mixed with gray making him look ten years older.

Finally, in a prime moment right after Mom and Holly and Aunt Bernie had left, Kevin strolled back in, looking fresh and clean but just as tired, and Josh walked out.

“She's awake,” he said.

“Oh my God,” I said, jumping to my feet. “I'm coming.”

Josh held out a hand. “They're with her right now, checking her over.” He ran a hand through his spiky blond hair and then rubbed his eyes. He looked enormously relieved, and let a little smile through. “But she actually talked.” He closed his eyes and repeated it again, as if to himself. “She actually talked.”

My heart warmed all the way up for him right then. He loved my baby that much. Tears came to my eyes, and I walked up and hugged him. He didn't hug me back right away, just kind of did it halfheartedly, but that was okay. I understood that. I was everyone's Antichrist of the moment, and while it was beginning to wear on me, the only thing that mattered was Cassidy's recovery.

“Thank you, Josh,” I said and then let him go. “How long will they be with her, did they say?”

He looked away, looking at everyone else but me. “Um, they said they'd come tell us,” he said. “But she actually just asked for her dad.”

My chest physically hurt. Like something sat on it. I concentrated on pulling in a slow, deep breath and letting it go. She didn't want to see me yet, and that was okay. It wasn't about my need, it was about hers. I repeated that in my head as I watched Kevin's eyes water up, thinking that eventually I'd buy it.

“Which one,” he said bitterly, blinking back the tears.

“Jesus,” Ben said, making Kevin wheel around. “Who do you think? She's not gonna ask for me, and she's certainly not gonna call me
Dad
.”

“Quit being an ass, Kevin,” I said, finding my voice. “Go be what she needs.”

His cocky expression faltered, and there for a second was the Kevin I knew. I prayed that version would stay while he talked to her. She didn't need a lecture or a guilt trip about him.

It was fifteen minutes later when Dr. Branson came out and told us that all looked good so far. “Mr. Lockwood, she's asking for you,” she said. “And after that, just one at a time please. I don't want to overwhelm her right away.”

Kevin swallowed hard and blew out a nervous breath before following her down the hall. I was left with Josh and Ben, and we stood eyeing each other until I turned away. It was my turn to go off alone. I—couldn't stand being in that cramped room another second. I picked a hallway at random and let my feet carry me, refusing to let tears weigh me down again. I was tired of crying. I was tired of being everyone's whipping post.
Yes, I lied,
I thought as I rounded a corner to God only knew where. I made a solo decision at the age of twenty-one, to not voice the possibility that it wasn't Kevin I was pregnant by. I was young and pissed off for being what I thought was used and discarded. I was mad and scared—and heartbroken. And then when I knew it to be fact, I let it be. Because it was too scary not to. Days and weeks and months and years went by, and I buried it more and more. I made what I thought was the best decision at the time. Or maybe just the easiest. Yes. I lied.

“I'm sorry,” I said as I found myself staring at a door that said
CHAPEL
.

“I know,” said a familiar voice behind me.

I turned to look into Ben's eyes.

•   •   •

M
Y SKIN DID ITS FAMILIAR TINGLE IT ALWAYS DID IN CLOSE
proximity with Ben, but my brain just wanted to go the other way.

I licked my dry lips and wished Holly would have brought a toothbrush with the clothes that morning. I wasn't up for more beatings. I was thinking I'd been led to this chapel for a reason, for some peace.

“Why'd you follow me?” I asked.

“Make sure you're okay,” he said.

“I'm fine,” I said, hugging my arms to myself.

He glanced at the sign on the door behind me. “I found this myself, the other day.” He gestured with a nod of his head. “Mind if I join you?”

I really wanted to be alone, but it being God's little nook and all, I didn't feel I had a place or the right to say that. “Okay,” I said, turning to go in.

The room was dimmer than the hallway, and ten degrees cooler, washing over me with an instant diffuser. I felt calmer, just being there, and I took a seat in a pew to the left, halfway up the aisle. There were only sixteen pews total, eight on each side, split like a real church that had been shrunk.

Ben sat next to me, and I closed my eyes so I wouldn't think about him. I wasn't there for him. I was there to find—something.

It's been a while, I said in my head. I'm sorry for that. I've been busy—no, I've been lazy—It wasn't working.

“I need to talk out loud,” I said, pulling the kneeler down and getting on my knees, so I couldn't see him or feel him. “So if you don't want to hear this, you might—”

“I'm fine,” he said. “Don't worry about me.” He said that with his head bowed, not looking up.

“Okay,” I said, unsure.

I faced the front and focused on the simple wooden cross that sat on a table. It had been a long time since I'd touched base with that side of me. I stared at it, knowing there was so much to say, and suddenly none of it seemed worthy. I felt foreign in there, and realized I'd probably felt more in touch with God sitting up on my mother's roof than I did in a church.

I closed my eyes and tried to let it sink in, but I was fighting it. Then I felt pressure on the kneeler pad next to me, and Ben took my hand.

“Our Father, who art in heaven,” he began.

I opened my eyes and stared at his profile. His eyes were closed, and he continued with the prayer I knew from childhood. He spoke so calm. So sure. Even with everything he'd been through in his life, with his dad, his childhood. Me.

He finished and stayed where he was, not letting go of my hand. I looked at it, at the cross, and closed my eyes again, wanting what he felt.

“I love you, Em,” he said softly.

My eyes flew open.

“I have to start with that,” he continued. I looked at the side of his head, because he still wasn't looking at me. “I'm trying with the rest of it.”