Before and Ever Since (9781101612286) (21 page)

“I don't have the energy for a fight, Ben,” I whispered. “I'm—”

“I don't, either,” he said, turning to meet my eyes. He looked as beat up as I felt. “I just wanted you to know—that's all I can give you right now.”

He got up and walked slowly out, leaving me there. I knew in my heart he wouldn't be in the waiting room when I got back.

•   •   •

C
ASSIDY DIDN'T ASK FOR ME, BUT
I
DIDN'T GIVE HER THE OPTION.
I went in after Kevin left her with Josh. She met my eyes and then closed hers and went to sleep. As much as that ripped at my gut, I had to let it be okay. She had to come to me on her own terms. That was her way.

I held her hand as she slept, remembering her tiny little fingers when she was born, the impossibly small fingernails and little creases at the knuckles.

“Mr. Lockwood told her how it really happened,” Josh said from his chair on the other side of the room, his voice hushed. I'd thought he was sleeping, too, and his words startled me.

“What?” I asked, looking at her beat-up face, her mouth slightly open. “What do you mean?”

“He told her that you didn't cheat on him, that you didn't do what he did.”

My eyes filled with hot, burning tears, and I blinked them back. “He said that?”

Josh nodded. “He said that y'all weren't married yet, and weren't even together anymore when—you know—” He looked so creeped out at the thought of me having sex, it was almost comical.

“Yeah,” I said, trying to end his discomfort.

“So anyway, he told her she didn't need to be mad at you, but she's still—I don't know.”

“It's okay,” I said, looking at her. “She feels betrayed. I get that.” He got up and pulled her sheet up a little higher, and he touched her cheek as I watched him care for her. “How are the two of you?” I asked.

He shrugged. “We haven't really had a chance to talk about it, but I'm not giving up.”

I smiled. “Good for you.”

He looked at me with a surprised expression. “Really?”

I gave a little head shrug. “You're a good man, Josh. She's lucky to have you.”

Ben wasn't there when I went back to the waiting area. No one was. Kevin had evidently left for the night, and Josh gave me permission to go home as well. I'd actually laughed out loud when he said that, and the sound was so foreign to me that I had to stop and think the last time I'd heard it.

I decided to take him up on it, thinking Kevin's idea of a shower was probably a good one now that Cassidy was among the conscious. I promised to be back the next morning to let him go do the same, and although he balked at first, he agreed once I pointed out that she was now awake and could smell him.

It was a mild night, chilly but not wet cold like Texas could be, when it goes to your bones, so I grabbed a thick blanket and headed out to the swing in my pajamas. In my red pajamas that Ben had peeled off me the day we made love all over the house. I hugged them to me at the memory, wondering what he was doing. It had taken every ounce of willpower I had not to stop at his house on the way home. And then again not to leave and go over there after my shower. And then again before I went outside. Every single cell in my body wanted to go talk to him, but I had to let it rest. Just like with Cassidy, I had to let him leave and figure things—and there was another thing she came by honestly I supposed. And with both of them, I felt the empty hole in my middle where my fear festered. The fear that they wouldn't come back. I'd survived Ben's departure before, and could probably do it again, but I didn't want to. Not after rediscovering something so amazing. But Cass—my skin went icy just thinking about that. I didn't think I could survive losing her.

I pulled my fuzzy-socked feet up in the swing with me just in case anything nocturnal decided to crawl on them, and wrapped myself in the blanket. The night sky was clear and full of stars. I remembered sitting out there on lawn chairs when Cassidy was little, trying to count them and laughing as we kept having to start over.

Ben had missed all that. But we'd beaten the what-ifs to death. Things happened as they were supposed to, I had to believe that. And even if that weren't true, there was nothing we could do to change it now. All of us—myself, Cassidy, Kevin, Ben—all we could do was look forward. I covered my face in my hands.

“Shit, that's such a load of crap,” I muttered into them.

I heard my gate open, and in the dark, that was a little unsettling even though I was hoping it was Ben. Per my luck on that, it wasn't. It was Kevin.

I had a brief second of self-preservation, where I wondered if he'd brought a weapon or a vial of poison or something, but he just strolled slowly over to where I sat on the swing with his hands in his pockets and leaned his head back to look up at the stars.

“You didn't answer the door; I figured you might be back here,” he said. “It's clear, tonight.”

I stared up at him. “Are you here to kill me? Because about all I have the strength to do from here is throw this blanket at you.”

He shook his head while still gazing upward. “Nah, wouldn't be worth the jail time.”

I moved my feet up a little closer to me. “Want to sit down?”

He looked down dubiously, as if maybe it was a trick, then landed heavily on the swing. He didn't say anything for a few minutes, just swayed us gently with his feet. I felt so sorry for him suddenly, thinking of how I'd just gone sick over the possibility of losing Cassidy. To find out she wasn't even mine—

“I'm so sorry, Kevin,” I said, and I could tell by his profile that he closed his eyes. “I don't expect you to care that I'm sorry, I'm not saying it for me. I just truly regret—” I had to stop. “No, I don't.”

He looked at me, and in the dark I couldn't quite read his eyes.

“I can't say anything that's gonna be right, I'm screwed no matter what I say, so I'm just gonna talk. I'm sorry how things happened, but I don't regret you raising Cassidy. You—you're a fantastic father. She is who she is partly because of you. If I ever see Ben again, I'll tell him I'm sorry that he
didn't
get to raise her, and I do regret that for him, but I don't for you. You did everything right.”

He looked away and wiped his eyes, then looked up at the sky again. “Except with you.”

“Oh, yeah, you sucked as a husband, but you were an A-plus father.”

A laugh broke through his tears, and I dared to laugh with him for the seconds it lasted. “And Josh told me what you said to Cass tonight, Kevin.” I nudged him with my foot. “You—were pretty A-plus there, too. You could've made me out to be a scheming troll.”

“I think I went in there with that, actually,” he said, scrubbing at his eyes again. “But the second I saw her, I broke. I just wanted her to feel like everything would be okay again. It wasn't about me, anymore.”

I felt my own tears fall but I wiped them quietly away. It wasn't about me, either.

“She told me I'd always be her dad, no matter what,” he said, his voice breaking. “That meant more to me than anything ever has—or ever will.”

My own flood started again. “Maybe in a backassward way, this can help y'all get close again.”

“Don't push it.”

I chuckled. “Sorry.”

He looked my way. “What do you mean
if
you ever get to see him again?”

I gave a head shrug. “I don't know if he can forgive me. And I can't blame him for that any more than I can blame you.”

Kevin sighed heavily. “I probably didn't help that.”

“I doubt it was anything he wasn't already thinking.”

“But if you didn't know,” he said, the tone in his voice testing me, “and he left town, how could you have done anything differently?”

“Well, for starters, I'm sure he's probably thinking I should have said something since he's been back,” I said. “Other than that—there are things I could have done.”

“Like leaving me?” he said, turning toward me.

I paused, thinking out my words. “I could have hurt you like that.” I shook my head. “I could have tried to track him down, and I know that's what he's thinking. But honestly, you and I were making a life by then.” I looked at him. “I made a choice. Was it wrong?”

His head moved slowly back and forth. “Did you ever love me, Emily? I mean, really? Or was I just convenient?”

My stomach contracted. “Of course I did. We were a family, Kevin. I didn't marry you to get a father, I married you because I believed you
were
the father.” Sort of. It was enough of the truth to put his heart at ease, and I needed to do that for him.

“And if he would have never left?”

Oh, God, don't ask me that.

“Never mind, don't answer that,” he said, as if reading my mind. “I'm gonna go.” He stood up slowly so that the swing didn't lurch.

I pushed the blanket behind me and stood as well, and before I could think better of it or give him a chance to back up, I wound my arms under his jacket and hugged him to me. It was foreign and familiar at the same time. I felt him catch a breath in surprise, then after a second or two his arms came up. One around my back, one hand cradled my head, and I felt him lay his cheek against my head as he held me. It had been years since I'd been in Kevin's arms, and while it was comfortable, it wasn't right. It wasn't Ben.

He pulled back and looked down into my face. “I'm gonna marry Sherry,” he said.

I smiled. “Really?”

“And I'm gonna be faithful.”

I bit my lip. “Okay.”

“No, I'm serious,” he said. “When Cass told me she didn't think people could be faithful, it hit something with me. I have to show her that I can.”

That reminded me. “Did you know that Cass and Josh were engaged?”

He frowned. “They are?”

“They were. She broke it off that night. There's a ring and everything.”

“Well, he's there—”

“Because he's determined to get her back,” I said, realizing I sounded like a cheerleader for Josh.

“I thought you weren't crazy about him,” Kevin said.

“I wasn't,” I said, crossing my arms for warmth. “But the last few days, he's surprised me.”

“We'll see,” he said, sounding like the old Kevin.

“Kev.”

He stopped himself and ran a hand over his face. “Okay. I'll give him a chance.” He walked slowly around the swing toward the gate, and stopped halfway there, gazing up at the stars again. “I can't speak for what goes on in Landry's head. But for what it's worth,” he said, turning his body partially back to me, “he's a moron if he walks away from you a second time.”

I watched his figure retreat into darkness and heard the gate click closed, then sat back down and pulled the blanket around me. I longed for Ben, ached for Cassidy, and sent a small prayer of thanks up for at least Kevin's—something. I don't know if it was forgiveness. Maybe just acceptance. Something other than hatred. He had hugged me back at least.

And he was vowing monogamy with Sherry. That had to be a plus to come out of this, right? Yeah, don't push it.

CHAPTER

19

I
WALKED THROUGH
M
OM'S FRONT DOOR THE NEXT MORNING,
determined to have a good outlook. Josh and Kevin were speaking to me, so there was improvement, but the two people that I needed the most were still on the fence. Or maybe not even on it. They might have been skipping on the other side of it for all I knew.

First thing I'd noticed was the absence of Ben's truck, but that was okay. He deserved a day off. Sounded reasonable.

“Hey, we're almost ready,” Mom said, emerging from the hall. “Come get you some coffee and sit a second.”

Mom looked ready to me. “
We
meaning Aunt Bernie?”

She winked at me. “Eye shadow.”

“Ah.”

“So, how was Cassidy last night?” she asked.

I tilted my head. “Ignoring me, but I think she had a good talk with Kevin.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, he came over last night,” I said, climbing onto a stool and letting my mother fix me a cup like I was little. “Seems he doesn't wish me dead.”

“Well,” she said, giving me a look. “It's not like he's all purity and light.”

I stirred the creamer in. “No, but even he didn't deserve this, Mom. He loves her.”

“I know he does, honey.” She studied me a second. “What about our Ben?”

The concrete in my chest shifted a little. “I don't know. Trying not to think about that. Next?”

She patted my hand. “The house is being shown this afternoon.”

I felt a weird little pang of sadness. “Really? By who?”

“I have no idea,” she said. “I'm just glad it's getting closer to being ready.”

“You anxious to hit the road?” I asked, feeling a silly separation anxiety over the thought of her leaving.

Her expression changed. She looked conflicted. “I was. At first.”

I leaned forward, my elbows on the bar. “Change of heart?”

She shook her head. “No, not really. I still want out from under this wooly mammoth,” she said with a chuckle. “I'm just not all up on the
leaving
part. Not now, after Cass's accident.”

“She'll be fine, Mom.”

“I know, but I just—you know there's still furniture that has to be moved—maybe Ben—oops, sorry.”

I smiled. “It's okay.”

“Anyway, there's still things to do. And I don't want to leave Cass right now. I don't know,” she said then, in her
I'm done
voice, popping her hands on the bar. “Spending time with that girl has been a blast, too. I'm not ready to leave that, either. She's been a big help. She got you those two boxes of books, right?”

“Yeah,” I said, rubbing my face that I didn't bother fixing. I didn't see much point. “They're still in my car, actually.”

“Probably stay there till you sell it and they'll go in the next one.”

I chuckled. “Probably.”

“Girl, those have been here since you moved back in. Sell them or something, it's deadweight.”

“I know,” I said.

“They've been all over this house,” she said, washing her cup out. “I think I finally moved them out of your room when your Uncle Tommy needed a place to sleep for a couple of weeks. Moved them to the hall closet, then I needed that for something and I moved them to your dad's office for a while.” She shook her head. “I don't even know how they made it downstairs to that closet.”

“Dad's office?” I asked, as memory dawned. “They were in Dad's office?”

“For a while,” she said, looking at me funny. “Why?”

I got goose bumps. “Oh, my—hang on.” I was off that stool and out the front door in seconds, hitting the remote on my keys for the back trunk. “Damn it,” I muttered when of course it didn't work. I opened it with the key and stared at the boxes.

Pulling one open, I was greeted with multiple titles of all genres and colors and authors.

“What are you doing?” Mom asked, coming down the front porch steps, looking at me like I was crazy.

“I don't know,” I said. I also didn't know how I would explain it, but I couldn't worry about that yet.

I pulled books out, three and four at a time, and set them on the driveway, going back for more. Some I hadn't seen since I was a teenager, since I probably boxed them up to move
away
from home and they never got unpacked.

“Emily, have you lost your senses, girl?” my mother asked me. She looked around. “Mr. LeBoeuf is gonna start talking stories if you keep this up.”

“Let him talk, he needs entertainment,” I said, emptying one box completely. “Hmm. Okay, well maybe not.”

“Maybe not, what?”

“Nothing,” I said. “Let me look in here.”

“Lordy, can I put these back in?” she said, gesturing to the empty box and the pile on the ground.

“Sure,” I said. “Did Cass look through these?”

“I doubt it,” she said. “We opened them, and I recognized them right off. I've shuffled them around enough, I ought to.”

Three layers down, and my fingers hit metal.

“Oh my God.”

“What?” Mom said, looking alarmed.

I looked at her, feeling tears come again. I swear, I was going to dehydrate. I dug down to wrap my hands around the edges and pulled it up out of the books, sending them tottering askew. I didn't care. It was the box.

Mom and I both looked down at it. “What's that?”

My chin quivered.
Your house's final gift to you
. “It's Dad's box.”

Her eyes shot up to mine. “Dad's—what?”

I just nodded.

She shook her head. “But—why would—how do you know that?”

“I just do,” I said. “Come on.”

I left everything there in the driveway and carried the box in the house, Mom following on my heels like a confused puppy.

“This makes no sense, Emmie,” she said as I laid it on the bar. “Why would he put it in a box of your books?”

“Because they were in his office,” I said. “And Uncle Tommy saw him take it out of the real hiding place behind the poster, so he hid it temporarily so Tommy wouldn't come steal from it. And then he died.”

Mom stared at me like I'd just spoken in tongues. “You need to take a nerve pill.”

“I can't explain it all right now, Mom. But it's true, so open it.”

She shook her head, looking frazzled and a little annoyed. Until she flipped the latch and lifted the lid, the hinges crackling with years of not moving.

It was exactly how I'd seen it in my vision. A stack of money, and a stack of scribbled notes on various slips of colored paper. She might have questioned the origin of the money, but there was no mistaking her own handwriting. Her hands shook a little as she touched one and picked it up.

“What does it say?” I breathed.

I heard her breathing get a little faster, and she sniffled and laughed before dabbing at her eyes. She picked up another one, and another. “It's all the little notes I'd leave for him now and then.
X marks the spot—
” She laughed again. I chuckled to myself, as I couldn't tell her I knew what that meant.

“And this—” She picked up a small flip notebook, with listed items, clearly in my dad's handwriting. “Oh, sweet lord,” she whispered. “Charles.”

“What?”

I walked around to read it with her. It was a ledger of sorts, dated with dollar amounts added and taken away, over the decades, with little comments next to them.

One day we'll see the pyramids!

Skipped coffee with the guys for one month

For The Grand Canyon

Minused for Tommy . . . will repay

There were years and years and years of them, and way too many Tommys.

The last one showed the $500 withdrawal, on May 7, 1998, with a balance of $11,450.

I picked up the bundle of green. “Oh my God.”

Mom was full-out crying by then, and I put an arm around her. “He gave Tommy money the night he died.”

“I'm guessing he never repaid it.”

“Of course not,” she said, sniffing. “He never did. Then he went and died the next year, the mooch.”

I laughed, and she did, too, in spite of the tears still flowing. The knocker banged, and we looked up to see Holly come in.

“Hey,” she said. “What's—what's the matter? What—is Cass okay?” she asked, her face going scarlet with worry.

“Yes—Cassidy's awake,” I said, calming that fear. “We're going over there in a minute; what are you doing?”

“Coming to see if Mom wanted to go up there with me, and I saw your car.”

I smiled at her. “Come see this.”

She set her purse down and looked over my shoulder. “Holy shit, where did all that money come from?”

“Dad's box,” I said.

She head-jerked at me. “Seriously? This is the box? There's really a box?”

“I told you,” Mom said, wiping her face. “I knew there would be.”

“Where was it?” Holly asked.

“How did you know where it was?” Mom asked then, turning to me. “How did you know it was in your books?”

“What?” Holly exclaimed. “Somebody tell me!”

I bit my lip. “I dreamed it.”

Mom gave me a raised eyebrow. “Emily Ann, don't you lie to me.”

“I'm not lying,” I said, and decided to deflect. “Mom, look at this.” I picked up the money again. “You can go anywhere you want now.” I lowered my voice to a whisper. “You don't have to ride around in a big blue gas guzzler to travel. You can go somewhere amazing.”

Mom touched the money and smiled as tears rolled down her face. She shook her head slowly. “It wasn't about the places, honey. It was about seeing them with your dad. Without him, they're just thumbtacks on a map.”

“I can't believe he saved all that,” Holly said.

I thought about how much more there would have been if Uncle Tommy hadn't mooched it. But still, over eleven grand was nothing to sneeze at.

“Jesus, Charles,” my mom said. “What I could have done with that kind of money.”

“It wasn't there for that, Mom, he wanted to take you somewhere special.”

“That's pretty damn special,” Holly said.

“Have you priced trips for two to Egypt?” I said.

“Not lately,” she countered.

“Girls,” Mom interjected. “It doesn't matter.” She picked up the bundle of money and counted off a few thousand. She put that back in the box with the notes, and put the rest of the bulk in her purse like it was grocery money. “But I know a little girl with that same wanderlust that still has her special guy to share it with.”

•   •   •

C
ASSIDY WAS INCLINED A LITTLE IN THE BED WHEN
I
WENT IN,
and her face—the part that wasn't black or purple—wasn't as pale as before. She had a cup with a straw that she was sipping from. She looked up when I came in, and although she averted her eyes to the muted TV attached to the ceiling, at least she didn't just close them and go to sleep.

Josh looked up from the newspaper he was reading.

“Hey, I'm glad you're here,” he said. “Mind hanging for a little bit while I run home and change clothes?”

We'd already had that conversation, so I knew it was a show for her benefit, and the look he ignored from her would have disintegrated a lesser man.

“I'll be back in a few, baby,” he said, kissing her hand.

“Yeah,” she said, her voice scratchy, but the sarcasm came through just fine.

He smiled at me on his way out, and I winked at him.

“Subtle,” she rasped.

I didn't say anything as I sat down on a tall-backed stool I assumed was for the doctor. “He's a good guy, Cass.”

She coughed and gripped the railing as the pain from that ripped through her. “Now I must be dying,” she said through her teeth.

“No, we've just had some conversations since you decided to drive like an idiot down a dark road.”

She closed her eyes. “Can we save this for another day?”

“No, I don't think so,” I said. Her attitude had sucked the coddling right out of me. “You want to be upset with me, fine. But feeling sorry for yourself is beneath you. Going off like that, hurting a guy who loves you unconditionally, risking your life, and terrifying everyone who loves you—and then being a jerk about it afterward? That's not who I raised.”

“Who did you raise, Mom? Kevin's kid or Ben's?”

“Did you suffer?” I asked, leaning toward her. “Was there ever a time that you didn't feel absolutely over-the-top loved?”

The anger in her eyes fizzled a bit.

“We were once young, too, Cass. We haven't always had the answers, sometimes we've had to wing it. I was your age when I got pregnant. How smart would you be?”

She focused on the cup in her hand and played with the straw. I decided to go for broke and talk to her woman to woman. “Ben was my best friend. Unlike anything I've ever known. And he picked me up every time Kevin cheated on me, and finally I was done with it. It was a couple of weeks later that Ben and I finally crossed that line. And changed everything.”

“But he didn't stick around?”

I licked my lips and took a cleansing breath. “He saw your dad beg me to come back to him, and being young and impulsive, he took off, thinking I'd say yes. He didn't stick around to hear the no.”

Her eyebrows knitted together over her nose. “You told Dad no?”

“Yes, I did. And then I found out about you. And it was like a Lifetime movie—I knew it could be either one of them, but Ben was gone without explanation, and I was scared, and then your dad was there every day, winning me back. Making me promises.” I looked her dead-on. “I wanted to believe him. And I buried my head in the sand about who made you.”