Beautifully Broken (18 page)

I didn’t look back at where
I left him standing. I couldn’t bear to watch his heart breaking as mine was,
at this very moment. I turned the corner onto our street, sighing with relief
when our house came into view. My sanctuary awaited me and I all but ran the
last fifty feet. I flung the door open, sending it flying against the wall.
Hannah and Theo were nowhere in site and I breathed a sigh of relief. I didn’t have
the strength to deal with their barrage of questions while still dealing with
my own.

I closed the front door
locking it in place behind me. I made my way into my bedroom, looking for
solace. I flopped onto my back landing on my pillows. Why, why did he have to
seek me out? I was
finally
starting to lead a somewhat normal existence before today.

I had accepted the fact that
we would never speak again, let alone see each other. I leaned over the side of
my bed grasping the handle to my nightstand drawer firmly. I knew exactly what
needed to be done and I finally had the courage to do it.

I pulled the now yellowed
envelope from its hiding place, underneath my parent’s picture. The tips of my
fingers traced the script, spelling out my name across the front. I pressed the
thick paper against my nose. His smell had almost faded, completely. I let out
a loud sigh before slipping my finger under the back flap, releasing the hold
of the old glue. I pushed myself back against my headboard before pulling out
the contents. I unfolded the lined page covered in his handwriting. My eyes
slid closed, taking in a deep needed breath before reading his thoughts.

Dear Bennett,                                                                                       
September 28, 2008

Today our baby
would be four months olds, at least from what I had calculated. Not a second of
any day goes past, without me thinking of ‘it’ and you. It has been a year
since the last time we had spoke. There are so many things I wish I could take
back. You deserved a better man than me. I know that I would have done right by
you and our baby if I had been given the chance. I was thrilled when Hannah
called and told me. I couldn’t believe that life would be that good to me. You
were, are, still my reason for breathing and existing.

I know our baby
would have been beautiful. I know this because you are beautiful. I always
envied your strength and courage; I just wish I could find a piece of that now.
I’m lost and shattered. My world has turned into a dark and lonely abyss. I
don’t live anymore I just exist. I’m living in Boston now. It’s okay. I like my
job but I have lost the passion. I’ve been trying to keep tabs on you in a
discrete way. I try not to ask Hannah for too much information but sometimes
she volunteers it. I live for those days.

I got married about
a month ago and divorced two weeks later. I’m not exactly sure why. She wasn’t
you! I guess I just needed to feel, something. She’s a nice girl but she knew
my heart would never belong to her. God, I don’t know what I am without you,
Bennett. I’m just a soulless man living out my days the best I can. I miss you.
I know that probably doesn’t help, but I do. I miss you so much and I love you
even more. I just want you back in my life. I need you to come back to me. I
need you to make me whole. I’m dying here without you.

Come home to me
Bennett. Come back to me, please.

I love you with all
that I am and all that I will ever be,

G

The letter slipped through
my trembling fingers and onto the floor. I couldn’t help but wonder what would
have happened, if I had opened the damn thing all those years ago. Thoughts of
what our life could have been like flashed before my eyes. All this time, I had
the answer to mending the broken pieces of my heart. Why couldn’t he have just
picked up the damn phone?

I plucked the thin piece of
paper from the floor and shoved it back into its envelope and back into the
drawer. I could feel the walls closing in on me. All the hurt and pain was
fighting its way up to the surface. I fled to the backyard as fast as my feet
could carry me. I slid out the back door and onto the extensive deck over
looking the vast stretch of grass. My mind kept drifting to visions of our
child, playing in ‘our’ tree house, back at our parents’ house.

I made my way to the center
of the yard. The crunchy, dew-covered blades of grass tickled my bare feet. The
sun was just beginning to set behind the line of trees. I started out spinning
in circles slowly, but quickly propelled myself faster. I let my arms float up
beside me, hands splayed as the wind blew through every strand of my hair. My
heart felt lighter and I felt, alive.

I was becoming dizzy so I slowed
my pace, my hand landing hard against a strong, unyielding surface. I instantly
clutched my now throbbing hand against my chest. When I turned around to see
what I could have possibly hit, my eyes caught his smoldering glare.

“Gray, what the Hell are you
doing here?” I rubbed my hand forcing the pain away.

“You didn’t really leave me
with any other choice now, did you?” He smirked while reaching out for my hurt
hand. His touch sent my stomach into spasms.

I gently pulled my hand from
his, “How did you even know where I lived?”

He let out a loud boisterous
laugh, “I am a cop Bennett, or did you forget that?”

“No, I didn’t forget.” I
smirked. My feet were beginning to go numb. The sun had dipped further behind
the horizon and the cold was seeping through to my bones.

“You know you’re supposed to
wear shoes during winter time, right?”

I wasn’t finding his teasing
amusing. I rolled my eyes heading towards the stairs to the deck. His hands
clasped around my wrists spinning me into his chest. I gasped at the closeness
of our bodies. My gaze fell to his lips, which were nearly inches away from
touching mine. I caught my bottom lip between my teeth, biting down, trying to
push the desire to touch my lips to his away.

“Please stop doing that,” he
whispered. His sweet breath caressed my sensitive skin all the way down to my
core.

Damn!

His voice dropped into a
hushed tone, “Bennett, why didn’t you just tell me? We could have figured it
out together.”

I pulled my hands out of his
grip, hearing his condescending tone. “Let’s not do this Gray. What’s done is
done we can’t go back. As much as I wish I could, I can’t undue what I did.” My
defenses were falling back into place and I wanted to shut him out.

He shoved his hands into the
front pockets of his jeans. “You think I don’t know that? I know we can’t go
back but we
can
start over.” His eyes remained focused on his feet.

I sat back against the vinyl
railing leading up to the sliding glass door. “You don’t understand, Gray.
Things
have
changed I’ve changed. I’m not the girl you used to
know anymore.” I stole a peek at his fallen face. I hated to be the one to
shatter his dreams but I was beyond repair. He couldn’t fix me just because,
now
he
was ready. “I just read your letter tonight,” I whispered through clenched
teeth.

His stilled his fidgeting
body and I knew I had caught him off guard. “I wondered why you never came. I
guess I just assumed that your hatred for me outweighed your love.” He shrugged
his shoulders before coming to sit next to me. “I thought maybe the information
it contained turned your love for me…. honestly, I just figured you would never
forgive me. I’m not the same guy either, Bennett. A lot has happened in the
last couple of years, but my love for you, has never wavered. I know better
than anybody that I don’t deserve your forgiveness but I’m begging you. Please
Bennett, please forgive me.”

My hand settled on his knee,
pulling his leg into the side of my body. “How can you feel as though
you
don’t
deserve
my
forgiveness? If anything,
I
am
unworthy of
your
forgiveness. For crying out loud, I’m the one who got
rid of the only binding piece of the two of us. I’m
broken
Gray
don’t you see that? I have deserved every, single thing that has happened to
me. You deserve so much more than I am. Leaving me, was probably one of the
smartest decisions you could have ever made.”

My hand fell from his leg
and I turned to hide my face in shame. His warm gentle hand went to my back,
comforting me. I wanted to turn into his accepting arms but I couldn’t bring
myself to do it. It was only a matter of time before I hurt him again.

I shrugged off his touch,
breaking the connection we had found again in one another. “Gray just go. You
shouldn’t be here.” I refused to turn around. One look into his crystal blue
eyes and I would drag him into my room, without a second thought.

“DAMN IT, BENNETT!” He was
right in front of my face, shaking me into a standing position. “I tried to
move on. You don’t think I pushed myself to forget about you, to forget about
us? For fuck’s sake Bennett, I got married!”

Hearing the words come out
of his mouth, even though I already knew it, made me want to throw myself off a
building. The thought of Gray with another woman sickened me. My hands
instinctively flew up in front of me to warn him off. If he tried to touch me,
I was going to lose it.

“Shit! Bennett wait, I
didn’t mean, I mean...FUCK! What did you want me to do? You made a life
altering decision that concerned
both
of us, without me.” His weathered body
slammed down onto the deck. I watched as he fought against the internal battle
to come to me, or let me be.

I
don’t
know
what I expected. He was right. He deserved to be happy. I had made my decision
without him. Could I have really expected him to come back to me, with open
arms? I all but pushed him into that other woman’s arm. I had no one to blame
but myself. I settled in next to him, shivering in the process. The sun had set
and the wind was picking up. I tucked my feet up under my butt just as he was
wrapping his soft, black leather jacket around my shuddering shoulders. I
smiled at the notion, but it wavered as I took in his desolate expression.

“I don’t know how I can ever
make this up to you.” My voice came across shaky and all my confidence failed
to make an appearance. “The last couple of years have been Hell for me Gray.
Not that I didn’t deserve it, but Hell all the same, more than you could even
imagine. I guess, I just can’t fathom how someone as wonderful as you, would
even want to be with someone like me.” I was disgusted with myself. I pressed
my head against his shoulder seeking comfort. I had thought about nothing but
being with this man, for the rest of my life.

His finger slid under my
chin, tilting it up so I could see into his gleaming blue eyes. “I have
never
wanted
anyone else. You were it for me the day I met you. You have to understand that
nothing would have taken precedence over you or our unborn child. Bennett, I
would have given it all up for ‘us.’

“That’s exactly, what I
didn’t
want
Gray. I know, better than anybody else, how much it meant for you to become a
cop. I
couldn’t
be the one to take that away from you. I love you too
much to have you resent me for the rest of our lives.” My voice was barely a
whisper.

He looked away from me
momentarily. When his eyes came back to rest on mine, his hand dropped from my
chin. I could see the lust and want inside of him. My body reacted in a way
that had been foreign to me for so long.

“Bennett, I was half way
through. We could have made it work.” A loud sigh escaped his throat and I
chastised myself for doing this to him.

“Don’t you see how much I
hurt you?” The silence was palpable. We were at an impasse, one I wasn’t sure
we could maneuver our way through. I had done something irreversible and
unforgivable but yet he was willing to do just that. I was shrugging out of his
jacket when his hands stilled my movements. I willed myself to look into his
hypnotic eyes to say good-bye, and let him go.

“Look, we have a lot to work
on. I’m not delusional to that fact, but my heart literally
can’t
beat
without you. I have tried my damnedest to get over you, but its fucking
impossible woman. All I’m asking for Bennett is a chance. We don’t have to jump
right back into things. We can take our time, talk things through, and get to
know each other again. I’m just asking for you to accept my forgiveness.”