Beautiful Mess (38 page)

“This
isn’t about you and Cole,” she’d insisted.  “This is about you and me, and
the fact that we’re going to different schools in different states, and we
don’t know what will happen or when we’ll see each other again.  So,
please
! 
Come spend one last night dancing and laughing with your friends.”

The
pleading, insistent look in Layla’s eyes had been too much to refuse, and Bri
had agreed.

“Good! 
But we want
you
there, Bri.  Not this mopey, depressed, shell of a
person you’ve been the last few weeks.  We want you to come and be happy,
at least for the night.”

Bri
couldn’t guarantee that, but she promised she’d try.

So,
with a bit of trepidation, Bri pulled up to the hotel where the dance was being
held, and parked her car.  She walked into the ballroom, and it wasn’t the
sparkling chandeliers, or the beautiful decorations that caught her eye. 
It was Cole.  Of course he was the first thing she saw.  He was
sitting at a table with Serena and their friends.  He looked so sad and
lost, like he didn’t know where he belonged anymore.

Cole’s
eyes lifted and found hers, and Bri’s heart clenched.  His eyes sparked to
life for a moment as he saw her, but quickly returned to the dull, empty look
they’d had for weeks.  Bri felt tears spring to her eyes, and she quickly
averted her gaze.

Forcing
herself to breath, she quickly found Layla and her friends at a table across
the room.  She did her best to force down all the sadness, guilt, and
heartache she was feeling.  She wanted to enjoy this night with her
friends, and she didn’t want her misery ruining their night.

She
slipped into her seat with a smile plastered on her face.  If anyone
noticed how forced it was, they didn’t say anything.  Instead the girls
all welcomed her with hugs and compliments on her dress.  Bri did her best
to stay engaged in the conversations around her.  She did her best to
laugh and joke like nothing at all was wrong.  She tried to act like the
old, carefree Bri.

But,
as she picked at her dinner and sat through the retrospective slideshow the
student council had put together, her eyes kept roaming back to Cole.  She
missed him so much.  Just the sight of him caused her heart to ache, and a
fierce longing filled her.  The impulse to run over and throw herself into
his arms was almost overpowering.  She was shocked at herself for feeling
this way.  She should be over him by now.  But, she was slowly
beginning to realize that maybe her feeling for Cole had run deeper than she’d
thought.

As
if sensing her thoughts, Cole looked up and met her eyes.  Bri’s heart
started pounding, and she couldn’t hide the pain and longing on her face. 
They stared across the room at each other, and Bri’s breath caught as she
watched Cole’s eyes soften, his desperation matching her own, and something
like hope started growing in her chest.  But then he shook his head sadly
and turned his eyes, the moment between them broken.  A debilitating
despair crashed over her, so potent she didn’t think she’d ever break free of
it.

The
DJ’s voice over the microphone snapped Bri’s attention back to the room, and
she turned a false smile to Layla, who was dragging her out to the dance
floor.  Bri tried to forget about everything that was wrong with her and
just enjoy herself, but she couldn’t shake the despondency that had settled
over her.

Sometime
later, the DJ switched to a slow song.  Bri stepped back as all her
friends fell into the arms of their boyfriends, leaving her feeling
conspicuously alone.  She turned to go back to her table, when a hand
touched her arm lightly.

“Would
it be too much to ask for a dance?”

Bri
turned to see Cole smiling sadly at her.  A lump formed in her throat, and
tears burned behind her eyes.  She nodded and Cole pulled her into his
arms. 

He
held her tight, and she leaned her cheek against his.  Closing her eyes,
she felt all the tension leave her body.  The knot in her chest loosened,
and she could finally breath again.  A feeling of wholeness and peace
flooded her.  Bri had been so lost the past few weeks, but she was home
now.  This is where she belonged, in Cole’s arms.  She lost herself
in the feel of him, his arms around her, his body pressed against her, the beat
of his heart against hers.  She knew he could probably feel her heart
pounding, but she didn’t care.  She gave herself that moment to forget all
the reasons why they would never work, and just enjoyed him.  When she
felt she had enough control over herself not to break down in tears, she
spoke. 

“How
are you doing, Cole?” she asked softly, not moving her cheek from his. 
She had been worried about him, and didn’t think she’d get another chance like
this to talk to him.

“Just
fabulous, Bri,” he replied sarcastically.  “How are you?”

“I’m
miserable,” she replied honestly, a tear slipping down her cheek.  She
didn’t have the energy to lie to him and pretend she was okay.  She didn’t
really want to lie to him, anyway.  Even though it would probably hurt him
even more, Cole deserved the truth.

She
felt him tense, but he didn’t say anything.  She decided to keep going, to
lay it all out there.

“I
feel empty, and lost, and like I’ll never be happy again.  I feel terrible
for hurting you, and confused, and guilty, and sick.  And I don’t know how
to make it stop,” her voice broke.

Cole
pulled back to look at her.  His eyes were full of confusion, and a
desperate hope that caused another tear to fall.

“What
do you want from me, Bri?  Tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do
it.”  His eyes pleaded desperately with her.

“I
don’t know!  I don’t know what I want,” a small sob escaped her.  “I
just need some time to figure it all out.”

The
hope in Cole’s eyes died, and he looked at her, crestfallen.  Bri felt
what was left of her heart shatter.

“I
can’t give you any more time, Bri.  We don’t have any more time.”

She
reached up and grabbed his cheeks desperately.

“Yes,
you can,” she pleaded.  “We have all the time we want.”  Her face
fell as Cole sadly shook his head, his eyes dropping to the floor.  “You
once told me you’d wait for me forever.  Can’t you wait for me now?”

Slowly
Cole’s eyes rose to meet hers, full of sadness and disappointment. 

“That
was when I thought there was a future worth waiting for.  But you’ve made
it clear that there isn’t a future for us.”

“Cole,
please...”

“You
can’t even tell me what you want, Bri!  And I can’t wait around
indefinitely for you to figure it out.  Especially when there’s a good
chance it’s not me.”

Bri
shook her head, unable to speak through the constriction in her chest.
 Cole leaned in and kissed her forehead sadly.

“Goodbye,
Ambria.”  He turned and walked away.

Bri
stood there, tears streaming freely.  As she watched Cole’s retreating
form, she was hit by an epiphany.  A mind blowing, life changing, earth
shattering realization.  She finally knew
exactly
what she
wanted.  But he had just walked out of  her life for good.

Desperate
to get out of there before she completely fell apart, Bri grabbed her purse,
and fled the hotel.  She sent Layla a quick text saying she was leaving,
and then put her car in drive.  She hadn’t even made it out of the parking
lot before her sobs overtook her.  She cried uncontrollably the whole way
home.

As
she walked into her house, her dad looked up from the book he was reading in
the front room.  Seeing her tear stained face, he jumped up and pulled her
into a hug.

“Shhh,
Pumpkin, it’s okay.  What happened?”

“Cole...”
was all she could get out before another round of sobs racked her.

Connor
pulled his daughter over to sit on the couch.

“What
happened with Cole?  Did you guys fight again?”

“No...
well yes, sort of,” Bri sniffed.  “We were dancing and talking... and then
he asked me what I wanted... and I told him I didn’t know... and then he walked
away!”  she managed between sobs.  “I hurt him, again... and
why
? 
Why does it still hurt this badly?” she pleaded, desperate for an answer.

“Oh,
Sweetheart,” her dad pulled her in and kissed her head.  “You’re in love
with him.  Of course it’s going to hurt.”

Instead
of immediately dismissing them, Bri let her dad’s words sink in.  She took
a moment to really think about how she felt about Cole.  She thought about
how much she missed him, his touch, his laugh.  How desperately she wanted
him, needed him.  How miserable she’d been without him, and how much he
meant to her.  And finally, she knew.  It had been staring her in the
face this whole time, but she’d been too stubborn, and just plain scared, to
admit it to herself.

She
was in love with Cole Marra.

Completely,
irrevocably, desperately in love with him. 

More
tears spilled as she looked up at her dad.

“I’m
scared, Daddy,” she confessed.

Connor
sighed.  “Bri, I feel I’ve made a mistake.”  At Bri’s confused
expression he continued.  “You see, I’ve raised you to be cautious, with
everything.  I’ve taught you the importance of thinking before you
act.  Of thinking through things logically, and listening to that big
brain of yours.  Now, for most decisions and situations in life, this is a
good thing.  But with love... love is different.  It’s ruled by
emotion, and you can’t always think through it rationally.  Because love
isn’t always rational.  In fact, it’s very easy to ignore, to dismiss love
entirely if you think long and hard enough about it.  And I think that’s
what you’ve done with Cole.  You’ve doubted and renounced love, and
convinced yourself that you don’t feel what you really do.”  He
sighed.  “I feel that’s partly my fault, and I’m sorry.  But, I’d
hate to see you deny yourself something as wonderful as falling in love,
because you’re afraid of opening yourself up.  Love is the best thing we have
in this life.  Sometimes it’s the only thing that makes life worth
living.  Don’t let your fear get in the way of that.”

“But
Dad, I’ve made such a terrible, catastrophic mess of things!  I’m not sure
I can fix it.  I think it’s too late,” she sobbed.

“Oh,
Sweet Pea, you’re young.  You have so much to learn.  And yes, you’re
going to make mistakes.”  He gently wiped a tear off her cheek.  “But
loving someone means that sometimes you have to take a leap for them.  You
need to let Cole know how you really feel about him.  It is terrifying,
but if you’re not willing to put yourself out there, you can’t expect him to.

“Have
you messed thing up between you two?  Yes.  Does that mean that you
can’t fix it?  Absolutely not.  Will it be hard? 
Probably.  Will it be worth it?”  Connor tucked his finger under
Bri’s chin, and lifted her eyes to his.  “Only
you
can answer that,
I’m afraid.  But, if you love him, if he’s that important to you, then
fight for him, Bri.  Fight with everything you have.  Don’t let him just
walk away.”

Fight
for him.  Bri knew he was worth it.  She just had to figure out how.

“Thanks,
Daddy,” she hugged him, her tears slowing.  “Um, can I ask you something?”

“Of
course.”

“Do
you think I don’t let myself be happy?  That I get in the way of my own
happiness?”  Cole’s words had been weighing on her the whole way home.

Connor
let out a breath.  “No, I don’t think that you don’t let yourself be
happy.  But I do think that you keep people at a distance, because you’re
afraid to be hurt.  I think that by doing that, you keep yourself from
pain, but you keep yourself from being truly happy, too.”

Bri
dropped her head.

“Now,
I know a lot of that has to do with you losing your mom.  And I also know
that a lot of that is my fault as well.”

Bri
opened her mouth to protest, but her dad held up a hand to stop her.

“No,
it’s true.  You lost your mother when she died, but you lost me when I met
Summer.  I know this hasn’t been easy for you, and I know things between
you and Summer aren’t great.  I know that you often feel like you don’t
have anyone to depend on, or turn to when you need them.  But I want to
you know that no matter what, I’ll
always
be there for you. 
Whatever you need, I’m here for you.  You can count on me.”

Bri
nodded, more tears spilling.  Her dad leaned in to kiss her forehead.

“I’m
so proud of you, Ambria.  So proud of the person you’re becoming. 
Please don’t let fear hold you back any longer.  You have so much to give,
so much to offer the world.  I’d hate to see you burdened by regret for
the risks you didn’t take.  So, do yourself a favor, and do your old man a
favor, and start listening to your
heart
.  Sometimes it knows best
what you need.”

“But
how do I know my heart will make the right decisions?”

“Oh,
Pumpkin, it won’t.  Just like anything else, your heart will make
mistakes.  But those mistakes are how we grow.  Don’t be so afraid of
failing, that you don’t even try.  Okay?”  Bri nodded.  “I love
you, Bri.  I believe in you.  And just remember, no matter what,
you’ll always be my baby girl.”

Bri
gave a small laugh.

“Thanks,
Dad.  I love you, too.”  She kissed her dad on the cheek and headed
to bed.  She was done crying, done feeling sorry for herself, and done
being miserable.  It was time to act.  She had some serious thinking
to do, and some serious plans to make.

Because
in all of this mess, there was one thing Bri was sure of.  She wasn’t
going to let Cole go without a fight.  She loved him too much.  She
just needed to figure out a way to prove it to him.

By
the time graduation arrived on Wednesday night, Bri had made her
decision.  She knew what she needed to do.  She was going to take a
risk, more like a
giant
leap, because she knew Cole was worth it. 
And even though she was still hurting, and achingly desperate to have him back,
there was hope in her heart.  Hope that she would be able to fix things
between them.  Hope that he would forgive her for being such a stubborn
idiot.  Hope that there was a chance for them to be happy, together. 

So,
while she was still heartbroken and terrified, that small seed of hope allowed
Bri to walk up, her head held high, to receive her diploma.  The senior
class, decked out in navy blue and white gowns, were assembled in rows out on
the football field.  Parents, families, and friends filled the stands to
watch and cheer their graduates.  Bri accepted her diploma and
congratulations from the principal, and paused to get her picture taken. 
She was even able to give a genuine smile, her first one in weeks, as her family
and friends cheered for her.

She
cheered for each of her friends as they accepted their diplomas.  When it
was Cole’s turn, Bri clapped and cheered as loud as she could.  She didn’t
know if he realized she was cheering for him, his eyes never sought her out in
the crowd, but she hoped that he knew.

Finally,
the last diploma was handed out, and the principal declared them
graduated.  Bri cheered and tossed her cap into the air, relieved and
grateful that this chapter of her life was over.  She was ready to move
forward.

As
she bent to retrieve her cap, she spotted Cole across the field.  He
stood, alone and still, in the mass of activity, watching her.  Nothing
registered in his dull eyes, as he stared at her for a moment.  Then with
a sigh, the only form of acknowledgement he gave her, he turned and walked
away.  

Guilt
and anguish twisted Bri’s stomach.  She had done this to him, turned him
into this lifeless, apathetic version of himself.  For a moment doubt
filled her.  How was he ever going to be able to forgive her for hurting
him so badly?  Would he even believe her when she told him how she really
felt about him?  Tears threatened in her eyes, but she forced them
back.  No more crying.  It was time to fight, and she had much to
do.  She just hoped it wasn’t too little, too late.

She
started that night, by telling her dad and Summer her plan when they took her
out to dinner to celebrate her graduation.  Summer was shocked, but Connor
didn’t seem too surprised by her decision.  They were both supportive, and
offered Bri any assistance she needed.  After dinner with her family, Bri
went the party Layla was throwing at her house.  Deciding to confide in
Layla, she pulled Layla aside and told her the plan, after first swearing her
to secrecy.

“Wow.” 
Layla was obviously stunned.  “Why don’t you just go tell Cole all of this
right now, before he leaves?”

“No. 
He probably wouldn’t believe me anyway.  I need to
prove
to him
that I’m serious.  I need to do something big, so that there’s no room for
him to doubt me.  So, please, you can’t say anything to anyone.  I
don’t want him to find out.”

“Don’t
worry, your secret is safe with me,” Layla promised.  “And Bri?  I
want you to know that I think what you’re doing is very brave.  I hope it
works out for you.”  She hugged Bri tightly. 

“Thanks
Lay.  Love you.”

“Love
you too, girl.”

The
next morning, Bri put her plan into motion.  She started by calling the
admissions office at Duke.  She’d already been accepted there, but she
needed to make sure she wasn’t too late to accept.  Then she called the
scholarship department, and after a little finagling, was assured that the
academic scholarship she’d been offered was still hers.  She then called
the director of Duke’s dance team and found out that, to her great relief, she
hadn’t missed tryouts.  Auditions were the following Tuesday.  Bri
got all the information, and after telling the director, Tanya, a little about
her dance history, Tanya was very excited to have her come try out.  Bri
then called her dad, and he gave her permission to book them both ticket to
North Carolina.  Bri had been willing to go by herself, but her dad
insisted on going with her, which made Bri happy.

Summer
had walked in while Bri was talking to her dad and had heard the
conversation.  Thoroughly stunning Bri, Summer offered to make all the
travel and hotel arrangements for her.  This was the first time Summer had
offered to do anything for Bri, and she was touched.  Maybe there was hope
for the two of them after all.

Having
everything else taken care of, Bri prepared herself for the hardest thing she’d
ever had to do.  She took a deep breath, called the admissions office at
Stanford, and declined her acceptance and scholarship.  Though they tried
to get her to reconsider, Bri was determined.  She made sure the
scholarship offered to her would be available for someone else, thanked them
for the opportunity, and hung up.

Releasing
a huge breath, Bri was surprised to find that she wasn’t as devastated as she
thought she’d be.  She had, after all, just given up her oldest, dearest
dream.  And she
was
sad, but she knew she was doing the right
thing.  Her heart told her so.  She had a new dream now.

Monday
morning, Bri and her dad flew out to North Carolina.  Tuesday morning Bri
marveled as she arrived on campus.  The Duke campus was stunning, and she
found she had no trouble picturing herself there for the next four years. 
The dance team tryouts were long and grueling, but after three rounds of cuts,
Bri made the team.  She felt a huge weight lift off her chest as things
fell into place for her.  She took the packet that had all the team
information she needed, but she didn’t hear much of what the director was
saying.  Bri’s thoughts were on Cole, and how she was one step closer to
him.  She did hear that they were all due on campus July 7th to move into
their dorms, and practices started the 9th.  One month away.  It
couldn’t come soon enough.

When
Bri and her dad returned home, she got even more confirmation that she’d made
the right decision.  She got a call from a very excited, very loud Carly.

“Guess
what!  I’m like, totally moving to California!” Carly squealed into the
phone.  “My dad got a job in San Jose, and since I need a break from my
mom, he said I could come live with him!  With you at Stanford, we’ll
practically be neighbors!  Just think of all the fun we’ll have! 
College parties and frat boys!  I like, totally can’t wait!”