Beautiful Mess (36 page)

Except
one, and her mind made sure she remembered it.

Feeling
her heart crash, Bri gently reached back and moved Cole’s hands down.  She
didn’t stop kissing him, but she slowed her kisses, trying to reduce the
tension between them.  Finally managing to calm down a bit, she pulled
back to look at him.

“I’m
sorry,” she whispered.

“Don’t
be.”  He reached up and cupped her cheek.  Bri leaned into his hand
and smiled sadly.

“I
shouldn’t let things get this far.  It’s not fair to you.”  She shook
her head, dropping her eyes.  “I just...”

“Stop,”
Cole said gently, but forcefully.  Bri lifted her eyes back to his. 
“I shouldn’t let things get this far, either.  I know how you feel about
this, and I shouldn’t put you into these kinds of situations.”  He paused
a moment and smiled.  “Although, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t
really
enjoy these minor lapses in judgment!”

“Me,
too,” Bri smiled back at him.  “Though, it would be so much easier to
control myself if you weren’t so damn sexy.”  She kissed him lightly
before rolling off him.

“I
have news for you, Ambria,” Cole helped her to her feet, then pulled her
tightly against him, his face millimeters from hers.  “You have me beat in
the sexiness department, hands down.”  He kissed her deeply, making her
insides turn to jelly.

“Maybe,”
she murmured.  “But you are by far the better kisser.”

“I
wouldn’t bet on that.”

Bri
laughed and turned away, heading back up the beach.  She heard a tortured
groan behind her, and threw a glance back at Cole, who had obviously been
enjoying the view as she walked away.

“Ambria,
you’re going to be the death of me,” he shook his head, the tortured, longing
look still in his eyes.  He ran to her side, wrapped his arm tight around
her waist, and led her back up the beach.

Bri
enjoyed the rest of her week off.  On Friday, Layla insisted that they
needed a girl’s night, and demanded that Bri spend the night.  After doing
facials, mani-pedi’s, and eating their weight in pizza and chocolate, Layla set
up the air mattress on her bedroom floor for Bri, and the girls got ready for
bed.

Bouncing
onto her own bed, Layla shot Bri a look.

“So,
how are things with Cole going?” she asked innocently.

Seeing
right through Layla’s casualness, Bri replied, “Fine.”

“Oh,
come on!  Things have got to be better than
fine
,” Layla pushed.

“What? 
Things are good.  What else do you want me to say?”

Heaving
a huge sigh, Layla dropped all pretense of indifference.

“You
can start by giving me some of those details you’ve been keeping to
yourself.  Like, is Cole an amazing kisser?”  Her eyes sparkled with
interest.

Deciding
she’d best get Layla off her back, Bri nodded, her cheeks blushing.  “Yes,
he really is.”

“I
knew it!  With lips like his, how could he not be.”  Layla’s eyes got
a dreamy look in them.  “I bet that boy knows at least fifty different
ways to make a girl moan.”

“Layla!” 
Bri swatted her with her pillow.  “Don’t you have a boyfriend?” she
teased.  She would love to know what Devon would think about Layla’s
fascination with Cole’s kissing prowess.

“Of
course,” Layla snapped out of her day dream.  “And he is
very
satisfying, I assure you.”

“Wait! 
Did you guys finally...?”

“Oh! 
No, not yet.”  Layla’s face flamed a bright red.  “I told you, I’m
holding out for Chris Carrabba at my wedding, remember?”

“Of
course.  I think you’re smart for waiting.”  Bri smiled encouragingly
at her friend.

“Yeah,
well, it hasn’t been easy.  What about you and Cole?  You two seal
the deal yet?”

“Wow,
Lay, what a romantic way to put it,” Bri quipped.  “Not that it’s any of
your business, but no, we haven’t.”

“Seriously?” 
Layla was shocked.  “You two have some
serious
chemistry going
on.  Heck, you can cut the sexual tension between you two with a
knife.  What’s holding you back?”

“You
mean besides the whole I’m not having sex in high school thing?  Or the
whole I don’t know exactly how I feel about him and don’t want to confuse
everything with sex thing?”

“You
don’t know how you feel about him?” Layla asked skeptically, not buying it at
all.

“No. 
Unlike some of you lucky people who know exactly how you feel, for some of us
it’s a little harder to figure out.”

Layla
scoffed.  “Uh-huh.  Okay, moving on for the moment.  Yes,
besides those reasons, what’s holding you back?”

Bri
sighed.  “It’s not going to work out for us.  I can’t imagine sharing
that with Cole, and then having to say goodbye, for good.”

“What? 
Why aren’t things going to work out for you two?”

“Because,
Cole is going away to Duke, and I’m staying here and going to Stanford. 
We both know long distance relationships like that never work, so don’t even
say it.”

Layla’s
mouth dropped, and her eyes flashed in anger.

“Did
you even
talk
to
him about Sanford?”

“I
couldn’t, Lay.”  Bri dropped her eyes.  “Duke has been his dream
since he was a kid.  I couldn’t ask him to give that up for me.”

 “Yes,
you could!”  Layla threw her hands up in frustration.

“Why? 
Why would I do that?”  Bri was starting to get angry.  How selfish
did Layla think she was?

“Because
you’re in love with him, you idiot!” Layla yelled.

Bri
sucked in a breath, stunned.  “What?”

“Come
on, Bri, don’t even try and play dumb with me,” Layla gave her a reproachful
look.

“No. 
No, I’m not...”

“Ambria,”
Layla groaned.  “Anyone who has seen you two together can see it. 
You freaking light up when he walks into the room.  When you two are
together, he’s the only thing you see.  You gravitate towards him whenever
he’s near you, and I don’t even think you know you’re doing it.”  Layla
grabbed Bri by the shoulders and forced Bri to look at her.  “Just because
you can’t admit it to yourself doesn’t mean it’s not true.  And when you
love someone, you are willing to take risks for them.  That includes
asking Cole to go to Stanford with you.  Yes, he may still choose
Duke.  But, knowing Cole, he could say yes.  He deserves the chance
to make that decision for himself, at least.  Don’t take that choice from
him, and don’t just make it for him.  Don’t you two deserve a chance to be
together?  To be happy?”

Bri
dropped her eyes, but said nothing.

“How
can Cole make the right decision when he doesn’t have all the facts?  It’s
not fair of you to keep your feelings from him.  Talk to him.  Tell
him how you feel.  Let him decide what’s best for him.”

Bri
nodded, unable to respond.

“Okay,
I’ve said my piece.  What you decide to do is up to you, and I promise not
to bug you about it anymore.  Now, how about we watch a movie?”  Layla
hopped off her bed to search her dvd collection.

Although
the girls spent the rest of the night joking  and laughing, there was a
small seed of sadness that had lodged itself in Bri’s heart.  She knew that
Layla was wrong about her and Cole, that she assumed there was more between
them than there was.  But she was worried that if Layla had gotten the
wrong impression, could Cole have as well?

Bri
really hoped not.  Because even though she wasn’t sure how she felt about
Cole, she knew that she didn’t want to hurt him.  Now, she was really
afraid it was too late, and there wasn’t any way to avoid it.

Putting
her conversation with Layla out of her mind, Bri continued on like
normal.  Now that basketball season was over, and she no longer had night
practices, she and Cole got to spend a lot more time together.  It was
something she took full advantage of.  April was flying by, graduation
quickly approaching, and she wanted to enjoy all the time she had left with
Cole.

Despite
Layla’s insistence, Bri never asked Cole to go to Stanford with her.  Duke
was Cole’s dream, every bit as much as Stanford was hers, and she couldn’t take
that from him.  Especially when there was no guarantee they would end up
together anyway.  So instead of worrying about it, she savored every
minute she got to spend with him.

One
Friday, Bri noticed a strange ticking noise coming from her engine.  She
called her dad about it, and he told her to go ahead and take it into Jimmy’s
shop after school, and have him check it out.  She knew that Cole had
plans after school with the guys from the basketball team, and wouldn’t be done
until later.  So, she said goodbye to Cole in the parking lot and drove to
Jimmy’s repair shop.

“Hey
there, Barracuda, what can I do for you?” Jimmy smiled as he met her outside.

“Um,
my car is making this weird ticking noise.  I have no idea what the
problem is,” Bri admitted, a little embarrassed.

Jimmy
popped the hood and listened for a minute.

“Well,
I have some good news, and some bad news for you.”

“What’s
the good news?” Bri asked hesitantly.

“You’re
just running low on oil.  When was the last time you had your oil
changed?”

“Oh,
my gosh,” heat flooded Bri’s face.  “I’ve been so busy lately, I totally
forgot.  It’s definitely been awhile.”

“No
problem.  I’ll pull it in and have the guys get working on it for
you.  It won’t take long.”

“Okay,
great!  Thanks.” Bri started walking towards the lobby.  “Oh, Jimmy?”
she turned back.  “What was the bad news?”

“The
bad news is that Cole isn’t here to help us.  He would’ve gotten a kick
out of this!”  Jimmy winked at her and pulled her car into the bay. 
Bri walked into the lobby, utterly embarrassed, and waited by the
counter.  Jimmy walked back in a minute later, smiling and shaking his
head.  Bri’s embarrassment level went up another notch.

“I
seriously can’t believe I did that,” she laughed.  “I’m not usually such
an airhead.”

“Aw,
you’re a teenage girl... it happens.”

“Yeah,
but I’m a teenage girl who loves cars.  I watch Top Gear.  I should
so know better!”

Jimmy
laughed.

“Just
please don’t tell Cole about this.  I’d never hear the end of it,” she
laughed.

“Don’t
worry, your secret is safe with me.  Not that I’ve seen much of him
lately.”  Jimmy eyed Bri knowingly, causing her to blush.  “And when
he is home, he’s holed up in his room painting.  He’s got the senior art
show coming up in two weeks, and he’s obsessing over every little detail.”

 “Knowing
Cole, I’m sure whatever he puts up there will be amazing.  Everything he
does is amazing,” she smiled.

“Only
since you came along,” Jimmy smiled.  At Bri’s confused look, he
continued.  “Don’t get me wrong, Cole has always been talented, whether it
was art, or basketball, or football.  But since he met you, he’s gone from
great to exceptional.  I think part of it is that he’s showing off, trying
to impress you.”  He winked.

“Well,
it worked,” Bri replied, shyly.

“But
I think the other part of it is that with you, Cole is able to fully be
himself.  He doesn’t have to hold back, or suppress anything.  You
don’t expect him to be anything other than who he is, and because of that he
can do what
he
wants to do.  Instead of doing what everyone else,
myself included, wants.”

Bri
was stunned by this new insight into Cole.  She hadn’t realized she’d had
such an impact on him.

“In
fact, I think that’s why he loves you so much.”

“What?”
Bri gasped, her head shooting up.

Seeing
Bri’s shocked expression, Jimmy smiled.

“Haven’t
figured that out yet?  Knowing Cole, he hasn’t said anything,
either.”  He laughed.

Panic
flooded Bri, and her face paled.  This couldn’t be happening.  As
Bri’s shocked silence continued, Jimmy started looking uncomfortable.

“Shoot,
I’m sorry Bri.  I didn’t mean to upset you.  I thought you
knew.  Hell, anyone who sees you two can tell.  Please, don’t tell
Cole I said anything.  He’ll never speak to me again if he knows I told
you.”

“But...
what if I don’t...,” she stammered.  “What if I can’t...”  She shook
her head.  “I don’t want to hurt him,” her eyes finally focused on Jimmy
again.

“Bri,
it’s okay,” he smiled sympathetically at her.  “It’s not like Cole is
going to profess his love tonight.  He’s still trying to come to terms
with this, and what it means for him.  You see, when Cole’s mom left he
saw how much it affected me, what a mess I became.  Because of that, I
think he came to see love as something that would only end up hurting him,
destroying him.  So Cole has kept himself closed off, never allowing
himself to get too close or too attached to anyone.  Until you. 
You’ve changed things for him, and he’s still trying to figure everything
out.  It’s not easy for him, and it’s going to take some time, but he’ll
get there.  He loves you too much not to.”

Jimmy’s
words were meant to reassure her, but they frightened Bri to her core.  If
Jimmy was right and Cole
did
love her, she couldn’t return his
feelings.  She had been wrong to think that they could be together and no
one would get hurt.  Fear and panic threatened to consume her, but she
swallowed it back down.

“Thanks
Jimmy,” she forced a smile for him.  “How much do I owe you for the oil
change?”

“It’s
on the house.  Do you know what Cole would do to me if he found out I let
his girl pay for an oil change?  Trust me, it wouldn’t be pretty!” he
laughed.

Bri
smiled and sat down to wait for her car, but her mind wouldn’t stop
spinning.  How had she allowed this to happen?  She should’ve seen
this coming and distanced herself from Cole before his feelings for her grew
too deep.  But somehow she’d missed it.  And now she was going to
break his heart and she didn’t see any way to stop it.

As
she drove her no longer ticking Mazda home, Bri came to a decision.  The only
way to possibly spare Cole’s heart was to put some distance between them. 
She need to pull back before his feelings got any stronger, and maybe if they
weren’t spending so much time together his feelings would fade.  It wasn’t
something she wanted to do, but it was what she needed to do.  There were
only seven weeks left until graduation.  Bri needed to start preparing
herself, and Cole, for their ultimate end and separation.

So,
feeling incredibly sad but determined, that is what Bri did.  She drew back
from Cole.  She was distant with him at school, and avoided him when she
could.  And she used the excuse of too much homework to avoid him after
school.  At least that wasn’t a total lie.  Her AP tests were in a
week, and all her teachers were trying to cram in as much last minute
information as possible. 

Cole
was confused, and a little frustrated by Bri’s sudden change of behavior. 
It hurt her to know that she was upsetting him.  But, it was better that
she let him down gradually, and that he pull away from her, than to outright
break his heart when she couldn’t return his feelings.  So, even though it
pained her that Cole was growing more and more distant with her, Bri was glad
that her plan seemed to be working.  It was just a lot harder than she thought
it was going to be to let Cole go.

And
so, the last week of April arrived, and with it Bri’s AP tests.  She had
her Biology test on Monday, her Calculus test on Wednesday, and her English
test on Thursday.  The week passed in a blur of facts, formulas, and
examples that Bri hoped she had kept straight.  She was fairly certain
she’d done well enough to pass her Bio and Calc tests, but she really hoped she
had done well on her English test.  It was her future major after
all. 

As
she made her way to her locker after school on Thursday, she wasn’t surprised
to find Cole waiting for her.  He had continued to walk her to class, eat
lunch with her, and meet her after school, even though they didn’t say much
when they were together.  Her stomach twisted in pain and guilt, but she
reminded herself that it was better that he hate her, than she destroy him.

“Hey,”
she greeted him dully, not looking at him as she opened her locker.

“Would
it be okay if I walked you to your car?  There’s something I need to talk to
you about.”

Fear
clenched Bri’s heart at his formal, detached tone, and her eyes darted up to
his.  Was this it?  Had she finally pushed him too far away, and he
was ready to break up with her?  Cole’s grim, determined face threatened
to break her resolve, but she managed to hold herself together.  She
nodded and they walked silently out to her car.

She
unlocked the doors and climbed in.  Cole sat in the passenger seat and
took a deep breath before he turned to face her.  The sadness and pain in
eyes stole Bri’s breath.

“Look
Bri, I know you’ve been busy and stressed with all of your AP tests and
everything lately.  I just wanted you to know that it’s okay, I
understand.  This was a big deal for you, an important part of your future
that you didn’t want to screw up.  But, I’ve missed you, Bri.”  He
reached out and brushed his fingers up her cheek and into her hair.

Bri’s
eyes closed involuntarily, and she leaned into his hand.  She had
forgotten how good his touch felt.  Well, not forgotten.  It was more
like she hadn’t allowed herself to think about it, afraid she wouldn’t be able
to keep herself away from him.  And she had been right.  One touch
and her determination and resolve were gone.  She wanted nothing more than
to climb over into Cole’s lap and let him hold her. 

Cole
leaned closer, and Bri’s heart began pounding. 

“I
just wanted to make sure you were still coming to my art show tomorrow
night?”  He looked at her, pleadingly.  His dark hair had fallen into
his eyes.  Bri’s hand reached up on its own and brushed it off his
forehead.

“Of
course I’m coming tomorrow.”  She gave him a small smile, unable to
resist, her plan to let him go completely forgotten.

A
beautiful smile spread across his face, and it nearly stopped her heart. 
In that moment she never wanted to do anything to cause that smile to fade.

As
Bri smiled back at him, Cole’s eyes sparkled and he leaned into her.  His
lips touched hers softly, hesitantly, and suddenly Bri felt right again, whole
again.  She hadn’t realized how wrong she’d felt the past couple of
weeks.  But as she gently kissed Cole back, she felt just how wrong things
were between them.

As
Cole deepened the kiss, Bri could sense the depth of his feelings for
her.  He couldn’t say it, but he was trying to show her how much he cared
for her.  How much he did love her.

Guilt
tore through her, and Bri pulled back, not wanting to give him hope for
something she couldn’t give him.  He smiled warmly at her, but she could
see the disappointment in his eyes.  He wanted more from her, but he
wasn’t going to push her.

“I
know you’re probably exhausted, so I’ll let you get home and rest.  I’ll
see you tomorrow.”  Cole brushed a quick kiss on her lips and got out of
the car.

Bri
watched him walk away, her heart torn in two.  Part of her rebelled
against the thought of letting him go, and wanted to jump out of the car and
run after him.  But, the other part of her knew she had to let him
go.  If she didn’t, it was just going to be that much more painful for Cole.

On
Friday evening, Bri parked her car in the school parking lot and let out a
sigh.  Despite her best intentions, she had dressed up for Cole
tonight.  She wore a coral dress, with her brown leather, jacket and
leopard print heels.  While she knew she needed to keep Cole at a
distance, she couldn’t help wanting to look nice for him on his big
night.  She walked into the school feeling nervous, not sure what to
expect.  Her body and mind were giving off mixed signals, and she wasn’t
entirely sure which of them was in control at this point.

The
senior art show was held in the art wing.  The classrooms had been cleared
of desks and tables, and partitions had been setup to display the artwork and
move people through the rooms like a museum.  As she walked in, Bri was
surprised at how many people, parents and students, were there.  This was
a bigger deal than she had thought.  She walked around a minute, looking
for Cole.  She hadn’t told him when she’d be coming, and when she didn’t
see him anywhere, she decided to go in and find his display.

She
meandered through the exhibit, taking in the various displays of the other
students.  Cole’s display was the very last one, and it took up the entire
wall.  When Bri turned the corner and saw it, she froze.