Badass Zombie Road Trip (30 page)

“Pull over!” Candy shouted. “Now!”

“All right!” Jonah yelled as he eased onto the shoulder. Candy opened the door, but before she could grab her bag—damned if she wasn’t serious about walking!—Jonah said, “You win. Okay? You drive.”

“Seriously?” she asked.

“Yeah.” Jonah paused to yawn a full, healthy, not-fighting-it-this-time kind of yawn. “I can’t stay awake, and I’m sure you’re just as capable a driver as I am.”

“I’m a better driver.”

“I don’t doubt it,” Jonah agreed, too tired argue the point.

“Good then. Scoot over.” Moving across the seat, Candy pushed him toward the door.

Jonah got out of the driver’s side and made his way around the front of the car, but when he arrived at the passenger’s side, he found it occupied. Dale had crawled between the seats and now smiled at Jonah through the windshield. Jonah knocked on the passenger window and waited patiently as Dale settled himself in and rolled the window down. He had no choice but to wait, because Dale had locked the door.

“What are you doing?” Jonah asked.

“It’s my turn to ride up front for a while,” Dale said. “You can stretch out in the back for a bit.”

“I don’t want to—”

“You’ll sleep better.”

“I don’t care.”

“Come on!” Candy said, then laid down hard on the horn a few times. “Time’s a-wastin’!”

Jonah lowered his face to growl in Dale’s ear, “Please keep your conversation away from my lack of sexual exploits.”

Dale saluted Jonah while grinning ever wider. “Aye aye, captain.”

Crawling into the back seat, Jonah decided he didn’t really care what the pair up front talked about. It wasn’t long before the rocking of the car lulled him into a peaceful, dreamy sleep. In moments, he was back at the cabin, showing his dream Candy just how much he wanted her. He could have slept for hours, for days even, as long as he stayed in that perfect dream world with his perfect dream girl.

This time, when Dale shook him awake, Jonah felt refreshed. He blinked and yawned and stretched and wondered why he hadn’t let Candy drive before.

“Time to get up,” Dale said.

“How long was I out?” Jonah asked.

“Four hours.”

Four hours without incident? He supposed that Candy could be trusted with the wheel after all. Jonah rolled forward in the seat a bit as the car came to a gentle stop. They must be refueling, which meant he could snag some coffee. “Where are we now?”

“Still on 70,” Candy said, the worry in her voice palpable.

“And we have a problem,” Dale added with an anxious look.

His face wasn’t just apprehensive; it was also faintly blue. Then red, then blue again. Jonah lifted himself from the back seat, already knowing and already dreading what he would see. The scenery had changed considerably; the dry stretches of open road were long gone, replaced by a rich, thick forest. And sure enough, a set of flashing lights rested atop a Colorado State Highway patrolman’s vehicle parked right behind the Focus.

“What happened?” Jonah asked, as he looked to his partners in crime.

“Nothing,” Candy insisted. “I didn’t do anything.”

“You must have done something.”

“I swear. I haven’t done anything.” She stared into the mirror, begging Jonah with her eyes as much as her voice. “You guys have to believe me.”

Jonah was overcome with the notion that she wasn’t talking about her driving.

“You don’t think he’s looking for us?” Dale asked. “Do you?”

Candy switched her attention to the dead man. “Why would he be looking for you two?”

“No reason,” Jonah snapped.

“Yeah,” Dale said. “We haven’t done anything, either. Not in Colorado, anyway.”

Thankfully Candy wasn’t paying him any attention. She had shifted her concern back to the mirror and the approaching officer. “What are we going to do?”

“Just flash him some tit,” Dale said. “That should get us out of this.”

“Fuck you,” Candy said.

“Yes, please.” Dale grinned, despite the tone of worry in his retort.

“Stop it,” Jonah hissed. “Let’s just see what he wants. If none of us has done anything, then we don’t have anything to worry about. Right?”

Candy nodded, but Jonah heard her swallow hard.

They waited as the officer approached the Focus. Instead of stopping at Candy’s window, he flashed a smile at the back seat, then walked on ahead a few feet, where he stopped and waited. Relief washed over Jonah with that smile. He never thought he would be so glad to see a smile with way too many teeth for a normal human being.

“What the hell was that?” Candy asked.

“I think he wants to talk to me,” Jonah said.

“How do you—”

“Trust me. Just stay here. I’ll be right back.”

Jonah rolled out of the back of the stuffy car into the cool Colorado afternoon. Drawing a deep breath, steeling himself for another encounter with the Devil, he puffed up his chest and swaggered to meet the would-be officer of the law.

“What do you want?” Jonah asked.

Satan stared down at him with his usual mile-wide grin. “Game’s over, son.”

“Excuse me?”

Pointing at the car behind them, the uniform-clad Lucifer said, “Did you think I wouldn’t know? Did you think your little friend there could get away with it?”

“Ah,” Jonah said, as he grasped the situation. “I thought I could let her drive because she was technically a passenger. I’m sorry if I was wrong, but you didn’t clarify that I had to be the driver, just that I had to stay on the ground.”

Satan scrunched up his nose. “I don’t care who you let drive, kid. I’m talking about what she’s done.”

“Done?”

“Yeah. Done. Or should I say has been doing for the last three hours?”

Jonah—more confused than the time he caught his mother masturbating with a cucumber in the bathtub—stared up at Satan with wide, curious eyes. “What has she done?”

“You tell me, son.” Lucifer pointed at the car again.

Jonah’s gaze trailed down the length of Satan’s arm, beyond the pointing finger, and into the cab of the Focus. There sat Candy, trying her best to ignore the proceedings in front of her by busying herself with a cell phone. Dale’s cell phone.

“What is she doing with Dale’s phone?” Jonah asked.

“You tell me,” Satan said. “She’s been diddling with the thing for a while now.”

And all at once, Jonah knew. He didn’t need to watch her place the phone into the cradle on the dashboard to know what she was doing, what she had done. “Oh, no.”

“Oh, yes.”

He couldn’t believe Dale let her do it. And on his phone? Jonah whipped about in place. “She didn’t know. I forgot to tell her.”

“That doesn’t matter.” Satan stared down at Jonah with a cold gleam in his blue eyes. “I told you maps only. No GPS. You agreed. We shook hands on it.”

“But she didn’t know. It must have slipped my mind. It’s my fault.”

“Yes, it is. And that’s why you lose.”

“But we’ve come so far. You can’t do this.” Jonah could hear the whine in his voice, but couldn’t stop himself.

“Yes, I’m afraid I can.” Satan shrugged and sighed, a bit too loudly. “Though, after all the excitement, it’s seems such a shame to win by default.”

Jonah sensed an opening, and dove for it headlong. “Then don’t.”

“What’s that, son?”

“Don’t just win by default. We have what, twelve hundred miles left to go? That’s twelve hundred miles of stories and adventures and all kinds of stuff you’re going to miss out on just because I forgot one silly rule?”

“I don’t know,” Satan teased. “Second chances don’t come cheap.”

“How much?”

Lucifer returned to his grin. “Forty-eight hours should just about cover it.”

Jonah winced. Forgetting to warn Candy was going to cost him two whole days. He glanced down at the watch, which read well over one hundred and twenty hours left. Forty-eight hours was a drop in that very large bucket. “Okay. Forty-eight hours.”

“Then we have a deal?” Satan asked, his hand held out for another confirmation.

“Sure.” Jonah shook hands with the Devil, and as he did, the watch beeped loudly and the readout changed. Only it didn’t lose forty-eight hours. The display proclaimed that there were now just forty-eight hours left. “Hang on. This thing is wrong.” He held out his arm, shoving the watch into Lucifer’s face.

Satan glanced down at Jonah’s arm and shook his head. “Looks about right to me.”

“No. It’s wrong. You said it would cost me forty-eight hours.”

“Yup. And now you have forty-eight hours to spend any way you want. Or didn’t I explain that part?”

Jonah gritted his teeth, knowing there was no point in arguing. “No. You didn’t.”

Satan raised an eyebrow as he said, “Must’ve slipped my mind.”

“I see.”

“Yes. I would suppose you do. Now it’s high time you got back on the road. You got a whole lot of miles to cover and so little time left. It’s a long haul from here to there. I guess you won’t be stopping off at any little roadside attractions or motels or hotels anymore. Will ya?”

Every time Jonah was left holding Dale’s bag—after being caught for whatever stunt he had let the idiot talk him into as kids, and even as adults—he tried to see the bright side of his situation. There was always a bright side, whether it was time off from school due to an expulsion, or extra reading time while being grounded. There had to be a bright side to this, or Jonah supposed he might just lose his mind. “You know, I was actually glad to see you in that patrol car. Dale and I thought you were a real cop for a minute. The last thing we need is for them to catch up with us.”

“What would the cops want with you numbskulls?” Satan snapped his fingers in understanding. “Ah, that thing in Reno, huh? You don’t gotta sweat that, son. That’s old news.”

“Old news?”

“Yeah, don’t you listen to the radio? That poor woman came out of her coma yesterday and set the record straight. Attempted murder? You two? Like anyone would really believe that.”

“You’re kidding me?” Just as the weight of only having forty-eight hours left settled on him, the burden of being on the run from the police lifted. It was nice to hear good news for a change.

“I’m being perfectly serious. And you’ll be pleased to know they arrested that chunky clerk for embellishing his story a bit. Naw, the fuzz may still want you for a little light questioning, but I don’t think you’re wanted men anymore. Congrats on that.”

“Oh, thank God.”

Lucifer cringed at the prayer. “Spare me the piety.”

“Sorry. Thank you. And I mean it. I really, really, really needed to hear that.”

“My pleasure. Any other bits of good cheer I can slide your way?”

“Actually, yes.” Jonah rubbed his neck, almost embarrassed to ask the question, but eager to know the answer. “We—that is to say, Dale’s corpse and me—we were sort of wondering if you planned on fixing him if we win?”

“Give him a little physical tune-up if you cross the finish line on time? Is that what you’re asking?”

“Yeah.”

“Like putting that thumb back on?”

“Yeah, among other things.” Jonah tried not to shudder at the memory of Dale’s intimate confessions. “I know I wasn’t specific before, but … well … he’s kind of worried about it.”

Lucifer tipped his head to one side, astonished by this. “Is he? I didn’t think the zombie would care about stuff like that.”

“Me either. But he asked, so I’m asking.”

“Then tell him not to worry. I’ll take care of everything. Provided you win, of course.”

“Of course. And, while we are on the subject of that thumb … Did … did we really need it? Or did I just waste a whole night digging up some poor woman’s back yard for nothing?”

“Do you really want to know?” Lucifer asked, making a show of trying to repress his growing grin and failing. “‘Cause the answer is liable to just piss you the fuck off.”

“I thought as much.” Jonah glanced at the watch again and, rather than try to argue the point more, he settled himself on facing the task. “Forty-eight hours, then.”

“Yup.”

“That’s going to be hard.” He turned to look off down the highway, a pensive mood stealing over him. “We’re still an awful long way away.”

“You’re closer than you think.”

When Jonah turned back to ask Satan what he meant by that, the Devil was back in his car and Jonah was on the side of the road alone. He watched as Lucifer pulled the patrol car around the Focus and waved just before driving off.

“What was that all about?” Dale asked, joining Jonah on the road’s shoulder.

“Great news,” Jonah said. “That woman came out of her coma and told the police what happened.” He gave Candy a thumbs-up and, from the car, she returned his positive signal with a timid smile, one that looked both relieved and confused that the police had left without so much as a struggle. “We’re off the hook.”