Badass Zombie Road Trip (39 page)

“Your boat, gently down the stream,” Lucifer sang, just under his breath, and with his signature smile sunnier than ever.

“You shut up,” Mike demanded. “How much time is left?”

“Two minutes, thirty seconds,” Jonah said.

Mike threw Candy across the boardwalk. “Say your goodbyes to your shitty pals.”

Candy tumbled into Dale’s arms, the zombie catching her before she could hit the ground.
 
He hugged her tight, then the pair of them joined Jonah, including him in their last moment of group affection. In the cool of the caverns, under the watchful eye of the Devil, the three cowered together, waiting for the end.

“I’m sorry we couldn’t find my soul, man,” Dale said.

“It’s okay,” Jonah said. “I don’t think you were really using it.”

“For what it’s worth,” Candy said. “I’m really glad I met you. Both of you.”

“Yeah,” Dale said. “And I just got used to you and your fresh mouth.”

“At least it’s not rotten.” Candy punched the zombie lightly on his arm.

“Watch it,” Dale said. “I may be rotten but I’m still prime A beef, baby.”

Candy turned to Jonah, lowering her eyes in a sudden bout of shyness. “Jonah, I know you wanted to wait for love next time, but I totally would have … you know. I mean, if you had wanted.”

Jonah lifted her face by the chin and said, “I wanted.”

She leaned forward and placed a soft kiss just on the edge of his mouth, and with it, Jonah knew he would die a happy man.

“Go ahead then,” Dale said. “Don’t mind me.”

“What?”

“Make out. You have plenty of time to bone her.”

Jonah glanced at the watch. “Dale, we have less than a minute left. I can’t make love to a woman in less than a minute.”

The zombie, iniquitous to the end, smiled wide, showcasing his blackened molars and oozing bicuspids. “That’s not what I’ve heard.”

All Jonah could do was shake his head and laugh.

“That’s all very touching, but you still lose,” Mike said. “I win.”

“No, you don’t,” Lucifer said. “I win.”

Mike snorted. “Whatever. I’m erased from your list, that’s all that counts.”

“If you say so.”

Narrowing his eyes, Mike asked, “What does that mean?”

Lucifer whistled and looked at his nails as if he didn’t have a care in the world.

Mike advanced on Satan, brandishing his weapon as if it could damage the Lord of Darkness. “What the fuck does that mean?”

 
“If you must know,” Satan said. “It means you
are
off my list.”

“Damn right.”

“But consider yourself crossed off. Not erased.”

Jonah didn’t know what that meant, but it seemed to make all sorts of sense to Mike. The man began to tremble, though whether with rage or fear was hard to tell. He shook his head and jawed the air in silence for a moment before he managed to find his voice.

“No,” he whispered. Then, louder, he said, “They didn’t find his soul. That was the deal. They lost, and now he stands in for me. That was our deal.”

“Wrong again,” Lucifer said. “The deal with the boy was simple. All Jonah had to do was cart your son’s bag of bones to the place where his soul was hidden. That’s all.”

Mike’s eyes went wide with panic. “That’s not what you told me!”

me
…
me
…
me
…

Lucifer touched the tip of a long forefinger to the end of his chin. “I must have lied. Imagine that.”

The watch alarmed.

Beep! Beep! Beep!

Jonah lowered his head in a cringe at the last sound he supposed he would ever hear. But the beeping of the watch wasn’t the last sound he would ever hear. Nor was the high-pitched scream of Dale’s father that quickly followed. Jonah snapped his eyes up just in time to see Satan resting his burning blue hands against Mike’s chest. The mortal shuddered and jerked and danced under the Devil’s clutch, jigging with electric jolts until he finally gave up the ghost.

Literally.

The man’s eyes rolled to the back of his head as he went slack from head to toe. His body fell over the rail of the boardwalk and disappeared into the rushing waters beneath. Mike Jenkins was gone.

“What to do with this?” Satan said. He looked around, searching for someplace to put the glowing, yellow orb that filled his right palm. Digging in his jacket for a moment, he pulled free a worn-out beer bottle. “Dang. This one is already full.” He held the thing out to the zombie. “Thirsty?”

“Not really,” Dale said.

“For fuck’s sake!” Jonah shouted. “Shut up and do it!”

duet
…
duet
 
…
duet
…

“All right,” the zombie said. “Geesh. Keep your fucking panties on.” Dale snatched the bottle and turned it up. And as he drank, he changed.

Gone was the sallow green color.

Gone was the putrid scent.

Gone were the rotten flesh and oozing discharge and milky eyes.

His thumb even grew back.

“Not bad,” Dale said, after a healthy burp. “I prefer dark ale, but that was okay.” As he spoke, there was something new to his voice, a quality and character that had been missing for the last few days. Not to mention the fact that he looked a heck of a lot more alive than he had for some time.

“Dale?” Jonah asked.

“Yeah?”

“Is that you? I mean, really you?”

Dale patted his chest and torso. “I think so. Oh, wait.” Awareness filled the man’s eyes, which were already bursting with life. “Yeah, I get it now. Yeah! I’m me again! I’m whole!”

hole
…
hole
…
hole
…

A great whoop of success went up from the three of them. Candy and Dale hugged each other and punched the air and kicked the wooden walkway, and Jonah wanted to get up and dance a jig of joy for their victory, but his ruined knee left him sprawling on the boardwalk. Candy and Dale righted him with gentle laughter.

“I take it you have all you need?” Satan asked.

“How?” Jonah asked, quite out of breath from his victory fall.

“Easy, I gave Dale’s soul to his father. He had it when you arrived four days ago. And, per the deal, you brought Dale’s body to the place where his soul was hidden, thus you won.”

Candy and Dale cried out in joy again, but Jonah understood the full implication of it all. He hushed his friends and asked, “We won four days ago?”

Satan nodded. “It would seem so. Yes.”

“Then why put us through all of this? The last four days have been a nightmare.”

“Because that wasn’t the whole deal. The deal was you come to me with a tale to tell and I put Dale’s soul back. What kind of story is a drive from Reno to Sacramento? Boring!”

ring
…
ring
…
ring
…

“Who cares, Jonah?” Dale asked. “We won.”

“Yeah, but don’t you see? This was never about you and me. This was all about snagging your dad.”

“My dad …” Dale looked to the railing and fell quiet. “He killed my mother. He deserved what was coming to him.” Dale gave a soft sniffle. “Mom. He killed my mom.”

Candy pulled him close, and the man broke down in her arms. “Hush, hun. It’s all said and done. Just let it go.”

“Speaking of going,” Satan said. “It’s time I took my leave.” The Devil turned on his heel and started to walk away.

“Wait,” Jonah said. “Can I ask one more thing?”

“For my favorite human, sure.”

Jonah limped to the Devil and, leaning on him, asked in a hushed voice, “Why do this? If Dale never planned on returning to California anyway, then why drag us all into this? You already had a contractual claim to Mike’s soul. Why not just wait for him to die naturally?”

With that grin that Jonah had come to know so well, Satan proclaimed, “Now where’s the fun in that?”

Jonah groaned. He should have expected the answer, but it rubbed him raw nonetheless.

“And sorry about your knee, son,” Satan said. “I’m afraid I can’t help you with that.”

“Don’t worry,” Jonah said. “I don’t want or need your kind of help anymore.”

“Very well. And very wise.”

“So that’s just it? We are all free?”

“Free as the wind blows.” Satan gave Jonah one last wink. “You kids stay out of trouble. Hear me?”

With that said, Satan disappeared, leaving Jonah without support. He grimaced as his injured leg took his full weight before he could stop it. After limping to the weeping form of his best friend, Jonah wrapped his arms around Dale and rested his ear against the sobbing man’s back. There he held his friends, closed his eyes and reveled in the sweetest sound he’d heard since this whole madness began.

The steady thump of Dale’s beating heart.

lublub
…
lublub
…
lublub …

After some time, Jonah felt a light touch on his shoulder. He raised his head to greet Candy’s smile.

“So this is the real Dale?” she asked softly.

“Yeah,” Jonah said.

“I like him.” She hugged the weeping man tighter as she kept her eyes on Jonah. “Almost as much as I like you.”

“I like him, too. Almost as much as you.”

They stared at one another over the slumping pile of Dale for what seemed an eternity. Sighing and staring and listening as their grieving friend wound down his epic weeping.

“Guys?” Dale finally asked. “I appreciate the love and all …”

“Don’t mention it,” Jonah said. “Really, don’t mention it. Because I don’t think my masculinity can handle another putdown for some time.”

“Yeah, well, can you two get the fuck off of me, please? I can’t breathe, and I’m pretty sure I need to do that now.”

Candy and Jonah did as asked, leaving a hale and hearty Dale to sit back, wipe at his damp eyes and blow his streaming nose.

“Thanks again,” he said between honks. “Sorry I got all wimpy on you. I haven’t cried like that in years.”

“No worries,” Candy said. “Your secret is safe with us. Now, if you gentlemen will forgive me and my curiosity, there’s just one thing left I don’t understand.”

“I doubt that,” Dale said, getting to his feet. “I’m gonna bet there is a shit ton of things you don’t understand.”

Candy laughed as she stood. “Now there’s the Dale I’ve come to hate.”

“I think she means about this whole thing,” Jonah said, and held out his hand, motioning for the big guy to help him up.

Dale helped Jonah upright, and offered a shoulder as they slowly made their way to the exit. “Oh. Well, don’t ask me. The last few days are kind of a blur. The more I try to think about it, the harder it is to remember what happened.”

“I’ll keep it simple, then,” Candy said, as she followed the guys. “If you couldn’t go back to California, then why did you live so close? If my soul were in peril, I would have moved to another freaking country to get away.”

“I was wondering the same thing,” Jonah confessed. “I’ve been wondering that since this crap started.”

Dale stopped, holding Jonah in place as he looked off to the side, obviously embarrassed by his answer. He mumbled something.

“What was that?” Jonah asked.

“He said it was you,” Candy whispered.

Jonah wasn’t expecting that. “What do you mean me?”

“I was all set to move with Clare to the East coast. But then I met you. And … well … I didn’t want to leave you.”

“Me?”

Dale smiled down at him. “You’re my best friend, Jonah. I liked you right away, the moment I met you. I knew we would always be best buds. I couldn’t just leave after that. You’ve been my only real friend. I guess … I guess I’m saying …” he paused and gave an audible swallow before he said, “I love you, man.”

“I love you too, buddy,” Jonah said.

With a grunt, Dale started for the exit again. “Okay, but don’t spread it around. Barbara says she likes guy-on-guy action, but I don’t want to get a rep for it or anything.”

“Again,” Candy said. “Your secret is safe with us.”

“Us,” Jonah said. “I like the sound of that.”

“Me, too.”

“Now I have a question,” Dale said.

“Shoot,” Jonah said.

“Why are my boxers full of maxi pads?”

“Because you kept getting your panties in a wad,” Candy said.

As the three of them laughed—loud and wild and finally free—Jonah knew that she was the one. Anyone who could verbally shoot back at Dale that fast would always have a special place in Jonah’s heart.

Not to mention a few other special places.

****

Tonia Brown's short stories have appeared in a variety of anthologies. She has cranked out several books, including Lucky Stiff: Memoirs of an Undead Lover, Badass Zombie Road Trip and the erotic steampunk series Clockworks and Corsets. Tonia lives in North Carolina with her genius husband and an ever fluctuating number of cats. When not writing she raises unicorns and fights crime with her husband under the code names "Dr. Weird and his sexy sidekick Butternut."
You can learn more about her and her pen name, Regina Riley, at: www.thebackseatwriter.com