Back in the Soldier's Arms (3 page)

“You owed it to me to be faithful.” She hurled the words at him, her calmness replaced by hurt. Unable to hold it in check. Thinking of what he’d done to her and wishing upon wishing that it hadn’t happened. That everything was back to normal again. But it wasn’t. “And I do not want to be having this conversation right now.”

He shut his eyes. She watched him do it, wanted to do the same, but was holding so tightly on to her strength that she didn’t dare let herself.

When he opened them again and looked at her, she saw a sadness, a deepness there that she’d never seen before on his face. A hurt that she felt mirrored in her own steely gaze.

“Penny, I love you so much,” he said, leaning forward, hands on his knees. “I know you don’t believe me, but I’m so sorry for what I did. If there was anything I could do to make it up to you, any way to prove to you that it meant nothing to me, that it was the worst decision I’ve ever made in my life, I’d do it.”

Penny stood then, moved past him. Brushed fiercely past his outstretched hand, not wanting to touch him. Not having the strength to be so close to him.

Because goddamn it, it hurt.

“Trust was all we had, Daniel, and you broke that.”

She couldn’t face him because tears were streaming down her cheeks, leaving wet, slippery marks across her skin. As they curled toward her mouth she let her tongue flick out to catch the salty wetness of them.

Had serving her country, being away for so long, caused her marriage to fail? Was it her fault? Did she have to shoulder some of the blame?

“It wasn’t all we had, Penny,” he said softly.

Anger built within her, compelled her tears to stop. “It was everything, Daniel. Because without it, we have nothing.”

He stood then, reached for her wrist. She yanked it back, not letting his skin connect with hers.

“We have Gabby.”

She nodded. “She will always be the most important person in my life, Daniel. And I know you’re a great dad. Nothing changes that.”

He stared at her. Waiting for the but.

Penny kept it inside her mouth, though, not letting the words spill.

But you ‘re a crappy husband, she wanted to say. And you’ve hurt me more than I ever thought was possible. No matter how hard this was for him, no matter what he’d been through, he was here and she was going back to no-man’s-land.

“I’m sorry, Penny. I don’t know how else to say it to you, or what I can do. But I’m sorry and I love you.”

She swallowed, shaking her head to stop the words from settling in her mind.

“I’m sorry, too, Daniel,” she replied, squaring her shoulders and looking him straight in the eye. Penny took a deep, shaky breath. “And for the record, it’s not because I’m incapable of forgiving, it’s because I can’t forget, Daniel. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forget what you did.”

Couldn’t forget that he’d been with another woman. That his hands had touched another’s skin, his mouth had traced another’s lips.

It made her skin crawl.

This time it was him who was swallowing, who was shaking his head sadly.

“I don’t know what else I can say to prove to you how important you are to me. How much I love you.”

She shook her head. “Can we drop it, Daniel, please? I just want us to play happy families for Gabby’s birthday, remain civil and be the parents I know we both want to be.”

“Daddy?”

Gabby’s little voice rang out down the hall, still croaky with sleep.

Daniel went to move, but Penny stepped in front of him.

“Let me.”

He didn’t resist.

“I don’t want to have this conversation while Gabby’s around. I’m only here for the week, and there’s no point in upsetting her.”

Daniel stood, arms hanging loosely by his side, posture alert, tall, not yet defeated. So unlike the strong man she was used to, the one who would never back down.

Like he had so much left to say, like he wanted to fight for what he wanted, but was unsure how the hell to do it.

“It’s your call, Penny.”

She turned her back on him and went to her daughter.

Tears still threatened, but she shrugged them away. After what she’d survived in the army, what she’d seen and experienced, she should have been able to cope with this. But nothing she’d seen serving overseas could compare.

Her heart was breaking, slowly, over and over, and there was nothing she could do about it.

No way to help it heal before it shattered all over again. Like a record stuck on repeat.

To a very bad song.

“I—want—Daddy!”

Daniel entered the room to see Penny’s face crumpled. She composed herself within a half second, but he didn’t miss it. And he didn’t want to cut her out, either. “Honey, why don’t you let Mommy help you?”

She shook her head, determination clear on her face. Burning in her eyes.

“No! I—want—you!” She punched out each word.

Geez. The last thing they needed right now, with everything this tense, was Gabby having a tantrum. She’d been so good lately, had hardly planted her bottom lip down in anger and refused to do what he asked for months.

Until now.

Her timing was impeccable.

“I’ll go and get dinner started.” The sadness in Penny’s voice made him look up.

He shook his head, resisting the urge to glare at Gabby. “No, stay,” he asked.

Penny looked up at him, hope shining in her eyes. “Can Mommy help us?”

Gabby caught her bottom lip between her teeth, chewing on it softly. She nodded, eyes flickering between them. “Okay, then,” he said.

Penny shot him a grateful look. He fought to break his gaze, to pull his eyes from hers. After so many years of being so close, of knowing what the other was thinking before they said something; of touching each other, brushing against one another without even thinking about it.

And now the distance was painful.

Daniel walked over to the closet and looked through Gabby’s clothes. “Pink T-shirt?”

He looked back over his shoulder as Gabby sat on the bed, still pouting. “The sparkly one.”

Daniel laughed, catching Penny’s raised eyebrow as he did so.

“Come over here,” he said to her, beckoning with one finger. Penny pushed off from the doorjamb where she’d been leaning. She looked unsure, but she did it anyway.

“Check out the sparkly T-shirts and tops,” he said, voice low, although he knew Gabby could hear him. “And she orders me to get the sparkly one like I’d know which one she means.”

Penny laughed, but she reached for a soft, pink tee with a dog on the front. He watched as she fingered it, pleased that the air between them had relaxed, if only temporarily.

“I remember buying this,” Penny said, lifting the top and pressing it to her face. Inhaling the scent. “We saw it after lunch, on our way back, before I shipped out. It was too big for her then.”

Penny was right. It was the day before he’d waved her goodbye. The day before he’d effectively become a solo dad. Been left alone.

He pushed the thoughts away. She was here now and that’s what mattered.

“Is this the one?” Penny asked, voice filled with hope as she held it out.

Gabby nodded.

Daniel doubted it was the one she’d originally had in mind, but he was grateful she’d agreed. For Penny’s sake.

“Pants?” he called over his shoulder.

“Skirt!” she responded.

He glanced at Penny as she chuckled.

“Is she always like this?” she whispered.

Daniel moved his head slowly from side to side, pleased to have an excuse to bend closer to her. To reduce the physical void between them.

“When you left, I used to joke with my Mom that she was a mini-tyrant. At least once a week. But she hasn’t been like this in ages.”

Penny looked sad. “Has my coming home upset her? Should I have just stayed away until I could come back for good?”

Daniel couldn’t resist touching her then, had to connect with her.

Because she was wrong.

“Penny, you coming home is the best thing that’s happened to us. Don’t go beating yourself up over one temper tantrum thrown by an overtired child.”

She gave him a weak smile.

“But she only seems to want you. It’s like I’ve been made redundant.”

He closed his hand around her shoulder, keeping his touch light when what he really wanted to do was draw her against him and hold her close. To comfort her.

“I’m what she’s been used to this past year,” he said, looking into her eyes. “Once you’re home for good she’ll probably forget all about me within a week.”

“I doubt it,” Penny said.

But the flicker in her eyes told him that she hoped it was at least partly true. She angled her body slightly, as if asking him to remove his hand, but not wanting to shrug it away.

Or maybe she just didn’t want Gabby to see her do it.

Either way, whatever her reasons, he had no intention of making her feel uncomfortable.

But when he took his hand away, his skin was left feeling cold. And he wished he’d had permission to keep it there longer, all night if she’d let him.

“Shall I go and check on dinner? Your family will be here soon.”

Daniel didn’t answer, moved himself away instead, not wanting to crowd her. He turned to Gabby.

“Can Mommy help do your hair while I go do dinner?”

Gabby went to shake her head, but he stared at her, gave her a look that he hoped said that it was time to behave. He could see the defiance gone from her face, the determination of before as good as disappeared.

Gabby sighed, dramatically, more teenager than kid.

“Okay.”

Daniel was sure Penny’s heart had broken all over again, but he left them to it. No one had ever said this would be easy, but they all had to figure it out. Had to cope.

Somehow.

And right now he had to prepare for seeing his mother and his brother. They might be his family, but they were treating him like the black sheep after what he’d done.

As if he wasn’t beating himself up enough without having them glare at him, too. Without acting like they’d never speak to him again, if it wasn’t for Gabby, because of what he’d done.

Daniel dropped a kiss to Gabby’s head as he passed and resisted the urge to look at Penny again.

Instead he walked out the door and into the kitchen, and poured himself a glass of wine.

Tonight was going to be a long night.

This was harder than Penny had expected. When she’d been away, she’d imagined that the day she returned home would be the day everything returned to normal.

Daniel had put an end to that with his infidelity, but she hadn’t expected it to be so difficult with Gabby.

She heard a knock at the door as she was pressing gloss to her lips. She was nervous, which was stupid, given that Daniel’s family had been her family, too, since before she’d joined the army. But still. If their marriage was truly over, would they still consider her family? Still want to see her? Still feel the same he q the samabout her?

Prickles tingled across her skin at the thought of losing them, too. Daniel’s mother was like her own. A surrogate for the one she’d lost. And his brother? She’d always been so close to him, but surely brothers’ blood ran too thick for her to expect him to remain close to her. “Mommy!”

Penny looked up at her reflection, pausing to consider herself in the mirror before she braved their guests. There were tiny lines playing across the skin at the corners of her eyes that hadn’t been there when she’d been deployed for the second time, a tiredness that had crept up on her without her realizing. And there was a sadness, a hollowness in her expression that she had felt but not seen before, and that scared her.

Because until now, she’d worried about smile lines around her mouth, not frown wrinkles.

Penny sighed and smoothed the soft fabric of her top down her torso. She glanced down at her hand and looked at how tanned it was. But there was no white line where her wedding ring had once sat, and the hollow at the front of her neck was bare. She’d always kept her wedding rings on a chain there, the weight of them reminding her of home, but she’d removed them the day Daniel had told her what he’d done, and she’d never put them on again.

If he hadn’t told his family before, they were going to figure it out pretty quick. His mother would notice her bare hand the moment she saw it.

“Mommy!” Gabby hollered again.

“Coming,” she called back.

She didn’t see Gabby when she emerged into the living room, but she did see Tom walking through the front door.

And a laugh caught in her throat. A laugh that could so easily have turned into a sob.

Maybe he did think of her like his sister, if his body language was anything to go by.

Daniel stepped forward to shake his hand, or maybe to pull him in for the hug-and-back-slap thing they used to do. But the look on Tom’s face spelled anger. The same look she bet he wore when things weren’t going his way on a mission. She might be a soldier, but even she knew how tough and determined a Navy SEAL could be!

Tom glared at Daniel, pausing only to smack him on the side of the head with his open palm as he passed.

“Ow!”

Daniel reached to where he’d been knocked, hand over his left ear.

“Idiot,” Tom muttered.

Daniel didn’t look amused, but he didn’t argue either.

Penny took a deep, gulping breath before stepping fully into the room. At least they knew. It would have been harder if Daniel hadn’t been truthful about what had happened between them. About what he’d done.

She cleared her throat, announcing her presence.

“Penny!”

His mother’s excited call made Penny forget her thoughts. Made her worries drain away.

“Oh, Pen, it’s so good to have you home safe and sound.”

She let herself be folded into the warm, welcoming embrace of the woman who’d been like her mother for the past eight years.

“Thanks for coming over, Vicki,” Penny mumbled against her mother-in-law’s shoulder, hoent qoulder, lding her back, tight.

She found herself being held at arm’s length to be inspected.

“Thanks?” Vicki repeated, shaking her head. “The last thing I need is thanks! I’ve missed you every day that you’ve been away. Daniel couldn’t have kept me away if he tried.”