Assertiveness for Earth Angels: How to Be Loving Instead of Too Nice (7 page)

With discernment, you're honest with yourself about how you feel in the presence of another person or situation. You don't try to rationalize your feelings. You don't downplay them. You listen to and honor them with discernment!

Be discerning about whom you hang out with, because those folks will influence your energy and experiences in life. Yes, you can see the good in everyone, but if a relationship is toxic, it can pull you way down.

For example, I used to belong to a meditation group in which we took turns leading the meditation and offering a brief teaching each week. The group was harmonious, sweet, uplifting, and supportive. Then one day, a self-proclaimed atheist said he wanted to join our group. Being an openhearted, “we love everyone” type of group, we had a discussion and decided to allow him in. That's when trouble started, as the man began playing devil's advocate to everything we said and arguing every point. Our meditation group became unpleasant, and we all stopped meeting within one month of his joining.

So sometimes, it's for the greatest good of all concerned if you say no to someone entering your life.

CHAPTER FOUR

HOW TO BE
NICE
AND
LOVING,
WITHOUT BEING A
PUSHOVER

E
arth Angels are nice because they're very sensitive to how energies affect other people. They treat others as they'd wish to be treated, very much living by the Golden Rule.

Earth Angels see the best in others and expect the best in return. Oh, if only the world really worked that way!

The three-dimensional physical world contains the ego, and the ego prevails for the majority of people, who aren't aware of the path of true happiness from living in the higher self.

Now, this doesn't mean that Earth Angels need to lower their standards and try to fit into the lowest common denominator of rude or ego-based behavior. But it does require Earth Angels to be aware of ego energy when it shows up.

If you have been taken advantage of repeatedly for being a nice person, then please pay extra attention to this chapter.

The ego energy is all about “me” and “I”:
What is in it for me?
and
What can I get out of this?

That's why self-centered people are called
egocentric
or
egotistical
.

Therefore, it's important to take some time when you're with someone to tune in and be very aware of how your body feels in that person's presence. Your body is one of the most accurate divination tools on this physical plane. It is a crystal that resonates with energy vibrations.

So when you meet someone, rather than worrying,
Does she like me? Am I good enough?
and posing these sorts of self-doubting questions, instead listen to what your body says. Notice:

• Do I feel drained of energy when I'm around this person?
  
• Does my stomach tighten with defensiveness, bracing myself against some danger?
  
• Do I feel myself backing away from this person or wanting to leave her presence?
  
• Is there a sense that I'm the only one giving in this relationship?
  
• Does it feel like the other person is all about taking?
  
• Does the other person joke or brag about how much she gets away with or takes advantage of others?
  
• After being with this person, do I feel tired or depressed or anxious?
  

So when you encounter a person who's ego-focused, you'll feel a draining sensation in your body, because your energy
is
literally being drained. You're also being scanned energetically by the egocentric person, who's assessing what she can take from you.

What egocentric people want to take from you can vary. They may be looking for simple things such as a listening ear or kind words. Most Earth Angels don't feel taken advantage of for giving these things, unless it becomes a one-sided relationship where you're the only one giving the compliments and doing the listening, and the other person never says anything nice to you, nor do they care enough to be your sounding board.

To find a person who isn't egocentric, you'll need to hold the intention of meeting other Earth Angels and givers . . . or those who have been working to develop self-awareness, and who have come to the realization that the path to true happiness is through balancing giving and receiving.

Relationships are synergistic. You can be as nice as an angel in heaven, but unless you're with someone who honors and respects your niceness, you'll tend to be taken advantage of by those who are egocentric.

If someone's egocentric, don't worry whether or not he or she likes you. Egocentric people are incapable of liking anyone, because their hearts are closed. They don't even like themselves.

When you get a sense that someone's a “taker,” pull back your energy and don't try so hard. He or she is not worthy of your time or friendship, and you'll end up “breaking up” anyway when you get tired of being taken advantage of. You have a limited amount of time here on Earth, and it's best to spend it on someone who'll appreciate being helped.

Egocentric people see help from others as threatening to their egos, because it means they're “weak” if they accept it. They also see receiving help as “winning” in their endless game of taking as much as they can without giving anything in return.

When dealing with an egocentric person, it's not about getting his or her approval through being nice. It's impossible to get the approval of those who are only concerned about themselves. Instead, focus on being loving and on respecting yourself.

With all assertive encounters, your goal isn't to change the other person. Your intention is to be honest and authentic, and take good care of yourself and treat other people with respect.

Realness and Respect

If you were raised on platitudes like “If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all,” you may mistake this wisdom as a directive to be “phony nice.” There's a real difference between discerning when to hold your tongue and keep yourself from saying something hurtful versus faking a smile and pretending to laugh.

Many Earth Angels are nice because that's their way of manipulating and controlling the reactions of others. And that's egocentric, too! Niceness that comes from fear that the other person may leave you or not like you unless you're super-sweet isn't a true gift to anyone.

Even the coldest and most unaware people have enough sensitivity to notice when someone's faking it. When selfish or egocentric people spot someone faking niceness, they think,
This person's trying too hard to act nice. She must want something from me. So I will take advantage of her first, before she can do the same to me!

So, being “phony nice” makes you vulnerable to those who are looking for an easy take. In this dance, you're both being insincere. You, as the Earth Angel, exercise your power when you're your authentic self.

Every day, practice taking off the false-self mask of faking a smile when you don't feel like smiling. Daily, practice saying at least one sentence aloud that describes how you actually feel, even if you're afraid of others' reactions. With practice, you'll gain confidence and security in being your true self.

Instead of trying to make other people “like” you, you would be better off holding the intention to gain self-respect and the respect of others. “Respect” means that someone believes in you as a responsible, trustworthy, and real person. Respect and trust go hand in hand.

If you pretend to be happy when you're not, other people won't trust you, because they'll wonder in what other ways you're being phony. If you force a smile or laugh, others won't respect you, because phoniness shows that you don't respect yourself.

Everyone feels the whole rainbow of human emotions, and you're no exception. There will be times when you'll be really angry, and it's okay to let others know it as long as you don't hurl toxic anger energy their way. There will be times when you'll be hurt, depressed, confused, silly, and every other color of emotion that exists. There will be occasions when you'll disagree with your boss or another authority figure.

The assertive Earth Angel's facial expression and body language match exactly with how she thinks and feels. She doesn't try to project a façade of coolness or happiness. She maintains respect for herself and others. She doesn't blame others for her feelings, but she is honest if she's upset with someone's behavior.

The assertive Earth Angel realizes that relationships are a series of negotiations between two people who may have style differences. By talking openly and respecting each other's feelings and opinions, both can have their needs met and enjoy a healthy, long-term relationship.

CHAPTER FIVE

COMMUNICATION
SKILLS FOR
EARTH ANGELS

Y
our heightened sensitivity means that you feel others' reactions to what you say. So, your communication style differs from people of average sensitivity levels. In this chapter, we will look at some of those differences.

Talking in Incomplete Sentences

Earth Angels often worry that they're bothering other people. They rush through the words they're using so they don't take up other people's time. Or they skip over details about the topic they're discussing, either because they're trying to keep their side of the conversation brief . . . or because of the belief that others are as psychic as they are, with the assumption that they will know what they're talking about. Sometimes ungrounded Earth Angels talk in incomplete sentences that make no sense to anyone. And other Earth Angels use New Age jargon that “normal” people can't understand. ("What's a chakra?” they may ask with puzzlement.)

Other people become frustrated because they don't understand what you're trying to get across. This sets up miscommunications, which can lead to hurt feelings and other problems. So the first step for Earth Angels is to slow down and communicate enough information so the other person knows clearly what you're trying to convey. However, the opposite extreme of talking too much and dominating the conversation is also a communication trap that many Earth Angels fall into.

Talking nonstop comes from wanting to please—and get attention and acknowledgment from—others. If you tune in to people's eyes while you're talking with them, you'll know if they're engaged in the conversation with you. If you notice their eyes wandering or glazing over, this is a sign that you've lost communication with them. This can happen because of the other person's toxic behavioral patterns, such as narcissism or one-sided friendship. Or, it could be because he or she doesn't understand what you're talking about, or you're talking so much that he or she lost interest in connecting with you.

Some of these communication issues occur because Earth Angels are so sensitive to chemicals. So they can become overstimulated from caffeine or sugar, and have a motormouth in which they talk and talk and talk without realizing it. If that sounds like you, it's time to cut back on caffeine and sugar. Substitute natural stimulants such as rosehips tea or peppermint tea for these two chemicals.

It's also important to ground yourself, especially in business settings or while talking with “normal” people. Take a deep breath and touch your feet, or walk on grass or soil to ground yourself. Keep your conversations as down-to-earth and practical as possible. Save your philosophical discussions for ears that can hear these high-level topics.

Repeating Phrases

Earth Angels sometimes repeat themselves out of anxiety as well. One of the hallmark phrases that Earth Angels use is: “I'm sorry.”

Earth Angels apologize continually, as if they are apologizing for their own existence. This again is because they're not accustomed to having a physical body. They realize that their bodies are taking up space and using resources, and they remember fondly the days when they were celestial angels who could help people without having any sort of physical interference.