Read Arsenic and Old Puzzles Online
Authors: Parnell Hall
Arsenic and Old Puzzles (16 page)
Harper frowned. “Well it’s been all over the television. How the killings were like in the movie. I haven’t seen it, have you?”
“Yes, I have. And, no, this doesn’t seem to fit in with it at all. As to poison, I couldn’t rule it out. But I would say blunt trauma was at least a contributing factor.”
“Any idea when it happened?”
“Body’s gone through rigor. It’s been quite a while.”
“They’ve been gone since yesterday afternoon.”
“Sounds about right. Can I get them out of here?”
“Be my guest.”
Barney went outside, sent the EMS crews in.
“Jumpy, isn’t he?” Harper said.
“Oh? Didn’t notice.”
“Particularly when I mentioned Becky Baldwin.”
“Well, you mentioned her ripping him apart on the stand.”
“That’s not quite how I phrased it. Even so, it didn’t seem like that. And it was Becky who told you he was having trouble with his wife. You don’t suppose that’s why he wasn’t home?”
Cora had a wonderful poker face.
“I have no idea.”
Cora flopped herself
into Becky Baldwin’s client’s chair. “I don’t see how you can sit there so calmly when there’s been two more murders.”
“What?” Becky said.
“Don’t you have a television?”
“Not in my office.”
“Too bad. No one should start the day without a hearty dose of Rick Reed. Well, brighten up. There’s two more people you can defend Alan Guilford for killing.”
“What in the world are you talking about?”
Cora brought Becky up to speed on the two new murders.
“Got a time of death yet?”
“No, but they disappeared yesterday afternoon. Everybody thought they ducked out because they weren’t married. We still don’t know if they’re married or not, but they didn’t duck out.”
“And no one knows who they are?”
“No, but they shouldn’t be too hard to trace. They got a rental car kicking around somewhere. And they’re more apt to be local.”
“Local?”
“Well, say from the New York area. On the other hand, the geezer could be from anywhere.”
“You may not want to call him a geezer.”
“Why?”
“In case he turns out to have friends who think he’s more important than you portrayed him.”
“No one’s going to sue me, Becky.”
“Why not?”
“I’m not rich.”
“You got insurance, don’t you?”
“Not for slander.”
“Too bad.”
“On the other hand, I wonder if it’s slander to call the guy a geezer. You call an eighty-year-old guy a geezer, you’re fine. You call a fifty-year-old guy a geezer, you get sued. Where do you draw the line?”
“I’d prefer you not to find out.”
“Why not? You need the work.” Cora fished her cigarettes out of her purse. “By the way, Chief Harper thinks you’re sleeping with Barney Nathan.”
Becky had opened her mouth to tell Cora she couldn’t smoke. She closed it again. Blinked. “What!?”
“That’s one of the dangers of being a femme fatale. Your name gets kicked around.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Not me. Chief Harper. Not that he’s one to be spreading rumors or anything. I was the only one there when he said it.”
“Damn it, Cora. What made Chief Harper think I’m having an affair with Barney Nathan?”
“Oh. You’re not?”
“Cora.”
“Don’t blame me. It’s Chief Harper who said it.” She struck a match, lit her cigarette.
“Why? What put the idea in his head?”
“Actually, it was Barney himself.”
“What did he say?”
“Nothing. Chief Harper made a remark about how Barney could talk in front of me because we’re all family. Then he said, except Becky Baldwin.”
“Barney said, except Becky Baldwin?”
“No. Chief Harper said it. Barney flushed. Like he’d been caught trying to peek up your skirt.”
“Cora!”
“Not to imply he’s been peeking up your skirt. I’m just telling you how it looked.”
“Could you use another metaphor?”
“Not as apt. Unless you want me to get more graphic.”
“That’s all you’re going on? Chief Harper mentioned my name and Barney Nathan flushed?”
“And Barney wasn’t home when Chief Harper went to find him.”
“Where was he?”
“He said he went out for milk.”
“That’s probably what he did. I assure you, he wasn’t with me.”
“It’s not me you have to assure. It’s Chief Harper.”
“Oh, for goodness’ sake.”
“You have any idea why Barney reacted like that?”
“I told you. He asked me out on a date.”
“That usually doesn’t push men over the edge.”
“Yeah, well, it’s really
your
fault.”
Cora raised her eyebrows. “Oh?”
“Telling me not to string him along. I tried that dating-someone-your-own-age crap. He looked like I told him there was no Santa Claus.”
“There’s no Santa Claus? That’s terrible. What will the reindeer do?”
“Trust me, stringing him along would have been a kindness.”
“Not in the long run.”
“Anyway, that’s why he reacted that way. Becky Baldwin, the woman who emasculated him. The bitch who stole his manhood.”
“Stole his manhood?”
“That came out wrong.”
“You’re getting in deeper with the double entendres.”
“Stop it. The point is, I don’t care. What about the killings?”
“You know as much as I do.”
“I only know what you told me.”
“Well, I’ve been very forthcoming.”
“You’re in an awfully good mood today.”
“Two people got killed. That’s always a mood lifter.”
“Cora.”
“What can I tell you? There’s murder going on. It makes no sense at all. It seems to be related to a movie, but then it isn’t. Because the philandering couple is no part of the movie. Any more than the wandering drunk. Less, actually. Because the drunk fits the pattern of the lonely, elderly man. And apparently these two weren’t poisoned, they were bludgeoned.”
“What does Barney say?”
“Oh, now it’s Barney?”
“Don’t start with me.”
“I’m not starting with you. I’m just saying when I report back to Chief Harper I need to know which portion of this conversation to quote for him. If he hears you calling the doc Barney it’s just going to set him off again.”
“Oh, for Christ’s sake.”
Cora shook her head. “You’re new at this game, Becky. You gotta learn not to get your name linked with someone going through a divorce.”
“He’s not going through a divorce.”
Cora’s cigarette stopped halfway to her lips. “I thought you said he was.”
“I said they were fighting. But they’re not even separated yet. That’s what I was stalling him with. Until you came along with your know-it-all advice.”
“Oh, for goodness’ sake. You were thinking about going out with a married man?”
“I was never thinking of going out with him.”
“You couldn’t have said that from the beginning? ‘Don’t be silly, Barney, you’re married’?”
“I
said
that from the beginning. That’s how I was stalling him along.”
“Well, you might have said so.”
“Why?”
“I wouldn’t have given you my know-it-all advice. I thought I was saving you from making a big mistake, not pushing you into one.”
“I don’t see what’s the big deal.”
“Well, Chief Harper thought you were involved with a man who was divorcing. Now you’re involved with a man who’s married. The gossip’s going to get worse.”
“Why did Chief Harper think Barney was divorcing?”
Cora waved it away. “Who knows where he heard it. Water under the bridge.”
“Cora?”
“Yes.”
“It’s Barney,”
“Hi, Barney.”
“Don’t hi Barney me. You nearly gave me a heart attack.”
“I do have that effect on men.”
“In front of Chief Harper. I was nervous, and you didn’t help.”
“Oh. Sorry. What was I supposed to do? Act like we’re not having an affair? I don’t recall reading that manual. What’s the first rule? Look people straight in the eye and give ’em your best Obi Wan Kenobi: ‘These are not the lovers you’re looking for.’?”
“Couldn’t you just act normal?”
“Take your pick, Barney. Acting normal means making fun of you. Which I did. Is it my fault if you didn’t know how to react?”
“Why are you so hostile?”
“Don’t be silly. I’m not hostile. By the way, I understand you’re not getting divorced.”
“Oh.”
“Oh?”
“I never said I was.”
“You never said you weren’t.”
“The question never came up.”
“Gee, I wonder why.”
“So, you’re angry.”
“Just a little disappointed. My mother wanted me to fall in love and marry a doctor. Not fall in love with a married doctor.”
“Fall in love?”
“I was making a joke. You gotta lighten up, Barney. You wanna be a dashing man of the world, you gotta take things more in stride. You know they ID’d the bodies.”
“Harper called.”
“You give him the autopsy results?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, what are they?”
“I don’t think I’m supposed to tell you.”
“What?”
“Harper said to keep my mouth shut.”
“From the media, Barney. Not from me.”
“He meant anyone.”
“I’ve got an idea. Let’s call your wife, and ask her what she thinks he meant.”
There was a silence on the line.
“Low blow,” Barney said.
“Absolutely. Wasn’t it beautiful? I just lobbed it in there sidearm when you weren’t expecting it.”
“You’re not serious.”
“Do I look suicidal? Barney, parading infidelities in front of people’s spouses is not my idea of a good time. You could have medical evidence that identified the killer and I wouldn’t go to your wife. You’re really no good at this. Acting like you’re separated when you’re not. It’s an amateur move, and always a turnoff. Who’s gonna trust you after that? You gotta be up front with a person. It may not get you where you wanna go, but in the long run it’ll work out better. Now, you wanna tell me anything about the autopsy, it’s your call.”
There was a pause.
“They died right around the time Chief Harper thought they did. About two to three hours after ingesting their last meal. It happened to be breakfast, which makes fixing the time easier. There’s no poison involved. They died from a blunt instrument. Narrower than a two-by-four. No wider than the head of a hammer, but it wasn’t a circle. It was something long and round. Like a lead pipe.”
“Ah,” Cora said. “Professor Plum in the conservatory with the lead pipe. Was there a trace of metal or anything to indicate the pipe was lead?”
“It didn’t have to be lead, but it had to be heavy. Or swung with considerable force.”
“Is that all you got?”
“That’s not enough?”
“Unless you got more.”
“I don’t.”
“Then it’s enough.”
There was a pause.
“You still mad?” Barney said.
“About what?”
“Me not getting a divorce.”
“Oh, please.”
“So I guess I won’t be seeing you again.”
“It’s not a deal breaker.”
“All right, get
back to me,” Chief Harper said, and slammed down the phone.
“Gee, you’re in a good mood,” Cora said.
“Been better. At least we ID’d the bodies.”
“How’d you do that?”
“Found their car. Abandoned by the side of the road, not that far from the high school. Both names were on the rental agreement.”
“Oh?”
“Barry Stein and Julia Rose. Both of Manhattan. Both married. Not to each other. Barry leaves behind a wife and kids. Julia just a husband.”
“Hmm. You don’t think they did it, do you?”
“Who?”
“The wife and husband. Decided to get rid of their cheating spouses.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“You just say that because you’ve got a stable marriage. When you’ve been married as many times as I have, it’s the first thing you think about. What would be the best way to off the son of a bitch. Not that I think there’s the slightest chance that happened. The way I see it, those two are collateral damage.”
“You think they saw something?”
“That’s the only thing that makes sense. Because they’re not in the movie.”
Harper exhaled. “The damn movie. Everybody and his brother’s seen the damn movie.”
“You still haven’t?”
“No.”
“If I give you the DVD, will you watch it?”
“Oh, for Christ’s sake.”
“It would be nice to have you on the same page when we’re talking.”
“You got the DVD?”
“Doesn’t everyone?” Cora reached in her drawstring purse, pulled out a copy.
“You carry it around with you?”
“Well, you never know when you’re going to bump into some ignorant cop who needs to be wised up. So, you get the autopsy report yet?”
“Yeah.”
“Gonna let me in on it?”
Harper sighed. “Oh, all right.”
He told her what she already knew.
She pretended to listen. “Interesting.”
“You think so?”
“Absolutely. It confirms the fact those two aren’t important. More like an afterthought.”
“There was a sudoku with them.”
“Sure there was. And I solved it.”
Cora pulled out a copy, handed it to the chief.
