Arsenic and Old Puzzles (19 page)

“Were you able to contact the doctor?” Chief Harper said it through clenched teeth. His jaw never moved.

“He should be calling in any minute now, Chief. In the meantime, take a look at this.”

Cora whipped out the crossword, shoved it in front of his face.

“Wait a minute. You solved the puzzle? I thought you went to get Barney.”

“I’m an amazing multitasker, Chief. It would appear we have an actual message from the killer.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Take a look.”

“Look at me. There I lie. Was a snoop. Had to die.” Harper snorted. “That’s not from the killer. That’s from the victim.”

“Somehow I doubt that, Chief. The killer may have written it from the victim’s point of view, but it’s surely from the killer.”

“It doesn’t tell us a damn thing.”

“Actually, it does. Charlotte was a snoop who got killed for poking her head in the murder.”

“Maybe. I don’t know what it does for us.”

“Where’s Edith?”

“Having hysterics in the drawing room. Her nephew and his girlfriend are taking care of her.”

“You think that’s a good idea, Chief? Letting her alone with the suspects?”

“Now they’re suspects?”

“Well, you already suspect Alan. The girl gets credit just for proximity. Where were they when we found the body?”

“Over at her place. They heard Edith screaming and came over to see what happened.”

“See? Proximity.”

Barney Nathan came bustling in. The poor man was terribly self-conscious. He had tied his bow tie, as if to give every appearance of respectability. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Cora.

“Barney,” Chief Harper said. “Where the hell were you?”

“I was out having a drink. Didn’t notice my cell phone. What have we got here?”

“Body in the window seat.”

“Again?”

“This time it’s one of the sisters.”

“Poisoned?”

“You tell me.”

“Right.”

An agonized wail from the other room reminded him. “Before you do, you wanna give Edith something to damp her down? The woman’s getting on my nerves.”

“Good idea.”

Barney went out to see to Edith.

“All right,” Harper said. “You found him for me. That’s on the credit side of the ledger. On the debit side of the ledger, you found Charlotte Guilford dead.”

“Hey, don’t shoot the messenger. She was dead, no matter who found her.”

“Yeah, but it happened to be you. And you suggested the possibility before you even got here.”

“Not a big leap of logic, Chief. I’m sorry you didn’t make it. Though I’m sure you
did
make it, you were just trying to wish it away.”

“Ain’t that the truth. But the fact is, you walked in here and within minutes you were pointing at Charlotte’s body.”

“Once again, not that hard to do.”

“It makes me wonder if you knew it was there.”

Cora referred to the chief as an ignoramus with an amazingly wide variety of sexual practices, only some of which could be considered consensual.

“Cora!”

“I did not know Charlotte was dead. I did not know she was in the window seat. I had never seen her in there before. I did not plant the puzzle on the body or even see a puzzle on the body. I did not add to, subtract from, or in any other way contaminate the crime scene. I am innocent as the driven snow. Though I’m not entirely sure what that means. Does anyone actually
drive
snow?”

Barney Nathan came back from the study toting his doctor’s bag. “That should hold her for a while,” he said. He still didn’t look at Cora. He knelt down by the window seat, leaned over, and examined the corpse. “Well, no smell of almonds. Probably not cyanide.”

“How about arsenic?”

“No thanks, I’ve eaten,” Cora said.

Harper scowled, but Barney ignored the interruption. “From the bruising on the neck, I’d say she was strangled.”

“That’s what I thought,” Harper said. “Any idea when?”

“Five or six hours sound about right?”

“Yeah, that’d do it.”

“Okay, let’s get her to the morgue.”

“Soon as Dan’s done,” Harper said. “You got enough pictures of the corpse?”

“Yeah, fine,” Dan said.

Barney went out.

Harper watched him go, said, “Boy, I’m sure glad
I
didn’t find him.”

“What do you mean?”

“The cold shoulder he’s giving you. The guy didn’t like you before, but this really ices it. Thanks for doing it. I don’t need the medical examiner mad at me right now.”

Two EMS boys came in with a gurney. Cora wasn’t sure, but she thought they were the same ones as before. They loaded up the body, carted it away.

Alan and Arlene came in from the study.

“How’s your aunt?” Harper said.

“She’s all doped up. It’s for the best, but she’s gonna have a rude awakening. You know the TV crew’s already here.”

“Dan,” Chief Harper said, accusingly.

“Hey, don’t look at me. You said don’t call ’em, I didn’t call ’em.”

“Well, someone did.”

“I think it’s dreadful,” Arlene said. “You know what they’ve been saying? They’re saying this is all just a movie. That someone’s acting out
Arsenic and Old Lace
for real.”

“Yeah,” Harper said. “What do you think of that?”

“I think it’s really stupid. Have you seen the movie?”

“No.”

“Well, it’s not like the movie at all. In the movie you think someone kills one of the aunts?”

“They don’t?”

“It’s a comedy. How is that funny? You bump off an old lady.”

“They kill a lot of old men,” Cora said.

“They’re
extras
.
Bit
players. No one gives a damn about them. The aunts are killing them. That’s what’s funny. Little old ladies who murder. Who are so sweet, and innocent, and open about it. They’re absolutely darling. You couldn’t kill them.”

“Don’t tell me,” Harper said. “Tell them that.”

“Huh?”

“Rick Reed. The TV reporter. When he interviews you, you might point out that this is not like the movie at all. I’d like to nip that theory in the bud.”

“I’m not doing an interview.”

“Not a formal interview. Just if he asks you.”

“I’m not talking to reporters.” Arlene shuddered. “It’s ghoulish. Every time some kid gets killed you see the mother on TV saying what a good kid he was. How could she bear to be on TV? Even in this terrible tragedy, they can’t say no to the cameras.”

“It’s okay,” Alan said. “You don’t have to talk to them.”

“Are you going to talk to them?”

“I have to talk to them. She’s my aunt.”

“See what I mean?” Arlene said. “The relatives feel they have to be on TV.”

“If you don’t want me to, I won’t. But I’d like to spare poor Edith.”

“Of course. I hadn’t thought of that. I’m not thinking clearly. It’s all so awful. You have to tell them it’s not like the movie. Your aunts aren’t poisoning people. And Charlotte didn’t accidentally poison herself. Was she poisoned, by the way?”

Chief Harper shook his head. “No.”

“How?” Alan said.

“It would appear she was strangled.”

Arlene made a face, hid her head in Alan’s chest. She gathered herself, said, “Not
at all
like the movie. It’s so stupid. If it was like the movie, Alan would have a criminal brother who looks like Boris Karloff. And a crazy brother who thinks he’s Teddy Roosevelt and runs up the stairs shouting, ‘Charge!’”

“Which I certainly don’t,” Alan said.

“No fingerprints, Chief,” Dan called from the window seat.

Harper snorted in disgust. He didn’t expect any, but even so.

“You have any leads?” Alan said.

“I just got here.”

“Yes, but it must be the same person. Who committed all the crimes. Aren’t there any leads at all?”

“There’s a crossword puzzle. Cora solved it. It indicates Charlotte got killed for snooping around.”

“That’s ridiculous. What could she have possibly found?”

“I don’t know. But I intend to find out. When’s the last time you saw her?”

Alan thought for a moment. “This morning. I’d come over to shave.”

“I beg your pardon?”

Alan flushed. “I was at Arlene’s. I’d left my electric razor in my suitcase. I ran into Charlotte on my way out.”

“Did she say anything?”

“Not really.”

“What do you mean, not really?”

“Well, nothing helpful. Just chitchat.”

“About what?”

“About breakfast. You know old ladies. They always ask about the silliest things.” Alan blinked. Looked at Cora. Flushed. Looked away.

Cora pretended not to notice. “Having met Charlotte, I know just what you mean. Ditsy, scatterbrained, and you’re never quite sure what she’s talking about.”

“Exactly,” Alan said, happy to be off the hook. “Yes, she was. Very nice, but sometimes hard to follow.”

“So, what did she say about breakfast?”

“She asked me if I liked my pancakes.”

“You told her you had pancakes?”

“No. See, that’s what I mean. She just decided that, out of the blue. Probably that’s what
she
had for breakfast.”

“But you didn’t?”

“No, I had bacon and eggs.”

“Did you tell her that?”

“Sure.”

“Did you talk about anything
besides
breakfast?” Chief Harper put in.

“I can’t remember.”

“Could you try?”

“Is it that important?”

“I don’t know what’s important. But, aside from Edith, you could be the last person to see her alive. What time was this?”

“I don’t know. Ten thirty. Eleven.”

Harper turned to Arlene. “How about you? When was the last time you saw Charlotte?”

“Well, it wasn’t today. Let me see. Was it yesterday? Alan, help me out here. When’s the last time we saw Charlotte?”

“You saw her with Alan?”

“I wouldn’t have been over here without Alan.”

“But you might have been here looking for him?”

“That’s possible. I don’t recall.”

“Well, search your recollection. If you come up with anything, let me know.”

Dan Finley came back from outside. “Someone’s gotta talk to the TV people.”

“Aw, hell,” Harper said. “Cora?”

“Don’t look at me. I’m peripheral as all hell. Alan?”

Alan grinned. “Looks like I’ve got no one to pass the buck to. I’ll do the best I can, but they’re gonna want to talk to someone official.”

“And there’s a guy outside trying to get in,” Dan said.

“Who’s that?” Harper said.

“Some guy. Claims he’s a relative.”

“Of the decedent?”

“Yeah.”

“Get him in here. Maybe he knows something.”

“I don’t see how.”

“Dan.”

“Sorry. I’ll go get him.”

Harper turned to Alan. “You got any relatives you haven’t told us about?”

“Not to speak of. Of course, if you’re talking distant relatives, everyone has some. But if you’re talking about people involved with the family, there’s no one.”

Dan came back with a gaunt man in a button-down shirt and slacks. He couldn’t have been more than forty, but his long face, sunken eyes, and ashen complexion made him look older. Indeed, he looked like some apparition dredged up from hell to cast a pall over an already somber scene.

Alan’s mouth fell open. “Sebastian?” he murmured.

The apparition grinned. “Hello, kid brother.”

Chapter

41

“Your name’s Sebastian
Guilford?”

“That’s right.”

“You are Alan’s brother?”

“Half brother. Same father, different mothers. Daddy was a rolling stone.”

“You’re his older brother?”

“That’s right.” Sebastian loosened his shirt collar. “Could I have a glass of wine?”

“I wouldn’t advise it.”

Chief Harper was questioning Sebastian Guilford in the study. Edith had been taken upstairs and put to bed, and Alan and Arlene had been banished to her house. Only Cora remained. She sat in the corner, tried to look inconspicuous.

“The wine was poisoned?”

“That’s right.”

“Did Charlotte drink it?”

“No, she was strangled.”

“Good God! That’s awful!”

“Whereas poisoning is rather sweet,” Cora said.

Sebastian pointed his finger. “Who’s she?”

“Cora Felton. She often assists on these cases. She’s very good at detecting guilt.”

“Detect away. I happen to be innocent.”

“We’ll be the judge of that. Where were you at one o’clock this afternoon?”

“Is that when she was killed?”

“It’s in the ballpark.”

“Yeah, well, I wasn’t. About that time I was in the airport.”

“Where?”

“Seattle.”

“You flew in from Seattle?”

“In a manner of speaking. Seattle to Dallas. Dallas to Atlanta. Atlanta to Bradley.” He shook his head. “Big mistake. Yeah, the airport’s closer, but three planes to get there? I could have flown nonstop to JFK.”

“So, what are you doing here?”

“Are you kidding? My aunt’s been killed.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t know that.”

“What?”

“When you left. She’d just been killed. The body wasn’t found for hours.”

“Then why’d you send for me?”

“What?”

“I got an e-mail. From the police department. Saying my aunts were involved in a murder, and I should come at once.”

“The police department?”

“That’s right.”

“I didn’t send you an e-mail.”

“Well, someone did.”

“Do you have it with you?”

“No, it’s an e-mail.”

“You don’t have a printout, or a laptop, or an iPad, or an iPhone, or whatever-the-hell people use these days?” Cora said.

“No. It’s on my computer at home. I didn’t figure I needed to bring it with me. What the hell is going on here?”

“That’s what I’d like to know,” Chief Harper said. He bellowed, “Dan!”

A few moments later Dan Finley stuck his head in the door. “Yeah, Chief?”

“This guy says he got an e-mail from the police department. You know anything about it?”

“No. Was it a form letter?”

“It was a letter telling him there’d been a murder.”

“Gee, Chief, I can’t imagine. I didn’t send it, and I’m sure Sam didn’t. Are you sure it was from the police department?”