Anytime Soon (18 page)

“You tell
me
what's going on, Jeff. You didn't bother to call me last night, you didn't say hello to me this morning, and when I come into your office to try to talk to you, you just dismiss me like I'm a nobody!”

He looked miserable, but I tried to concentrate on the sidewalk ahead. “Didn't I ask you not to treat me this way, Jeff?”

I was panting by now, so I slowed my pace and lowered my voice, which had gotten way too loud. We both looked around to see if anyone had been listening.

“Anaya, I'm sorry, okay? I don't always do things the right way, but I wouldn't ever do anything to hurt you. Please believe that.” He looked defeated, and I almost felt sorry for him.

“Go back and make your call,” I huffed.

“I've already told Shirley to reschedule. I needed to come and see about you . . . about us. This is not a game to me. What's going on with you?”

“I don't know.” I shook my head.

I finally stopped walking.

“What do you want from me?” he asked.

“I don't know,” I lied.

Yes, I do.

He questioned me again. “What do you want, Anaya?”

“I don't know!” I repeated, louder.

Yes, I do!

“What do you want?” he asked a third time.

I want you to help me pick out my first new car. I want you to
encourage me when I'm feeling down, and remind me when I'm
being too silly. I want to fall asleep in your arms and wake up to
your bad breath. I want to fight with you and make up before going
to bed. I want to take vacations with you and have my picture on
your desk. I want you for myself.

“I don't want anything from you, Jeff,” I said mechanically. “I've been hurting and didn't know how to express it.”

“Since when don't you know how to express anger?” He smiled.

We both laughed at the same time. When I looked in his eyes, every ill feeling I had disappeared. I wanted to hold him, and I knew he wanted to hold me. But we couldn't.

“Hey, guys!” Octavia called out, driving up alongside us.

“Hi,” I said, trying to recover.

“Hello, Octavia,” Jeff said.

Octavia parked her car and walked quickly over to us. I was uncomfortable, but Jeff seemed to be relaxed.

How does he do that?

“I had a dentist appointment,” she said. “They gave me two fillings, and my lips feel huge. Am I drooling?”

“No,” he answered, laughing a little.

“Well, I gotta go. I'm already late. I was supposed to be in fifteen minutes ago. Who's covering the phones?”

“I'm not sure,” Jeff answered, looking a little worried.

It was a little weird for the receptionist to comfortably tell her boss she's fifteen minutes late and has no idea who's covering the phones.

“Okay. I'll see y'all later.”

She smiled and rushed toward the office.

“Wanna go to lunch?” Jeff asked.

“It's not lunchtime yet.”

“In Chicago, it is.”

“Are you asking me to go to Chicago?”

“No, I'm asking you to get something to eat with me.”

“I'll pass on lunch,” I replied.

He just stood there, looking at me, making me melt on the spot. “No, you won't,” he said. He moved closer to me.

“No, really,” I insisted. “I have some things I need to do for Taylor, and she needs them done today. I can't spend all day hanging out with you.”

“But you were on your way out. How are you working?”

All I could think of to say was, “Be quiet!”

“You're too serious for somebody so young. But if you really want to get some work done, then go ahead.”

He stepped back as if he were going to let me pass, but as soon as I got closer, he blocked my way. As he stood there, looking into my eyes, I almost forgot how mad he had just made me.

“I'm sorry,” I said. “I really do need to get back.”

“I understand. Can we get together later?”

“I would like that.” I headed back toward the office.

“Wait,” he said. “When?”

“I'll let you know,” I said coyly.

Back at my desk, I started going through e-mails. About twenty minutes later, Jeff came in. He looked over at me, smiled, and disappeared in his office. I still felt guilty that he had missed his conference call.

While I was still going through e-mails, Catie called.

“I miss you,” she said.

“Miss you, too, Catie. Where have you been?”

“With my man, girl. He's fine as wine and twice as mellow. This chick is happy right now.” Catie went from not being able to find men who approved of her lifestyle to having two different boyfriends in less than a month.

“This isn't that phony Armani again, is it?”

“Hell
and
no!” she giggled.

“Who is it?”

“Tell you later. We need to get together. Dinner tonight?”

“Yes, and don't flake on me. I need to talk to you.”

“What happened?”

“You're so impatient. Nothing happened. I just wanna catch up. We never talk anymore.”

“Okay, I'm game.”

“Don't flake,” I warned her again.

“I won't,” she said, and hung up.

A few hours later, I had finished my assignments and was ready for the work day to be over. I sent Jeff an e-mail that I was leaving. He wrote back, saying that he'd call me later. The day had left me emotionally drained.

On my way home, I called Catie.

“What's up?” she said.

“Can we do dinner another time? I'm tired tonight.”

“Oh, so who's flaking now?” she said and hung up.

When I got home, the house was empty. I went to my room and got in bed. I thought about Jeff and a recent conversation we had had about my getting my own place. He thought it would be nice for me to have a private place where we could hang out. I didn't have the nerve to tell him that I wasn't going to get an apartment just so that I could make our affair more convenient for him. Instead, I had brushed the idea off with a half-truth and told him that my family needed me.

As I stared at the ceiling, I contemplated the mess I was in. The more time I spent with Jeff, the more I cared about him. On the other hand, I hurt now more than ever. Our relationship wasn't going anywhere, and it was clear to me that I needed to get out. I couldn't keep up with the back and forth. It was so played out.

At about 1 a.m., Jeff called. “Hey, sweetie. I'm headed home now.”

“Wow,” I said. “You worked late.”

“I know. Nights like this, I wish you had your own place.”

“I bet you do.”

“Then I could come cuddle with you.”

“Oh. And then you could call your wife and tell her you'll be late?”

Did I say that out loud?

“Anaya, what's wrong with you?” Jeff asked.

Guess I did.

“Nothing,” I lied.

“No, there's definitely something going on with you. Please talk to me.”

I'm tired of hiding, weary of lying, and fed-up with pretending.

“I don't have anything to say, Jeff. Really. It's been a long day for both of us. Let's just get some rest and talk tomorrow.”

“Anaya?”

“Yes?”

“I do love you, you know,” he said.

“Okay. Talk to you tomorrow,” I said wearily.

I knew my response was cold. But I didn't feel very good about us.

I must have fallen asleep right after that, because the next thing I knew, my cell was ringing and sunlight was beaming in the room. I sat up to answer it.

“Hey, sweetie!” It was Jeff again.

Give me strength, Lord!

“Hi,” I said, sinking back down in my pillow, trying to sound cool.

“Are you dressed?” he asked.

“For what?”

“For driving up to Sonoma. Get up and take a shower.”

Sometimes I liked it when he took charge, and sometimes it got on my nerves. On that day, it got on my nerves.

“I have plans today, Jeff,” I lied. Lying had become my new pastime, and I didn't like it.

“No, you don't. Get dressed. Come on.”

“I can't,” I answered with a heavy sigh.

“I'm on my way, sweetie. Just get dressed, and I'll pick you up in thirty minutes. Come on, baby, it's a beautiful morning. I did a lot of rearranging of my schedule to get this morning open.”

His voice was patient, as if he were talking to some psycho on the edge of a bridge.

“I said I can't.” I insisted so fervently that I even shocked myself.

I can't believe I'm turning him down.

I didn't know which way was up, because he had become such a huge part of my life and such a huge part of me.

“Ny?”

“No, Jeff, really. Catie called me, and we have plans today. You know, I haven't seen her in a long time.” And yet another lie.

“How can you have plans with Catie, when we've already made plans?”

“We haven't made any plans. You made plans.”

Where's your family on this beautiful day, Jeff?

“I can't see you now,” I said. “Maybe we can get together later.”

“I won't be available later.”

Good!

“Okay. Well, then, call me tomorrow.”

He was quiet for longer than I knew how to handle, but I kept quiet, too. I let him think about whatever it was that vexed him— probably that he couldn't control me. I concentrated on not giving in. I was growing more logical about the situation, but my heart still loved him desperately. Eventually, he agreed to call me the next day, and he hung up.

I called Catie. She was sleeping, but she sounded happy to hear my voice.

“Get up,” I said, “and meet me at the gym.”

Forty-five minutes later, I was winding down on the treadmill when Catie finally bounced in, wearing purple velour sweats and a clingy purple tank top. Who worked out in velour? I smiled at her. When she got on the machine next to me, I noticed a huge red mark on her neck.

“Mind your business,” she said, before I could say anything.

“You freak. What have you been doing?”

“The question is, what have
you
been doing? Every time I call you, I get your voicemail. Every time I stop by your house, you aren't home, and nobody knows where you are. For a while, I thought you were trying to avoid me. Where the hell have you been? And don't say you been studying. Nobody studies
that
much.”

I wanted to laugh, but I couldn't. My best friend was right next to me, and I was so ashamed of myself that I couldn't even tell her what was happening in my life. I looked at her while she talked. She was okay with who she was; if people didn't like it, she didn't care. I was jealous of that. Because even in her lifestyle choices, I felt like she was in a more respectable position than I was. I knew I couldn't tell her, because she wouldn't see my situation with Jeff as a problem. She would see it as an advantage.

“Girl, it's my new job,” I said, trying to laugh. “They keep me busy. What's up with you?”

“Not much. I really want to go shopping. You wanna come? My treat.” She sang out the word
treat
.

“Where are you gonna shop?”

“Ungrateful little wench. If I was going to Goodwill, what do
you
care? I'm offering to treat you.” She put her hands on her hips and raised her eyebrows.

I looked at her with pursed lips.

“Stop doing your lips like that,” she said. “It makes you look like Cicely Tyson.”

“I just asked a question.”

“And I just gave you an answer. I ain't gonna beg to spend money on you, foolish girl. Now are you in or not?”

I laughed as we headed to the lockers to change.

I hadn't realized how much I had missed being around Catie. She could be abrasive, but she was still my best friend. I felt guilty that I hadn't told her about Carl
or
Jeff.

We drove to the city in Catie's
BMW
. Her driving scared me because she usually drove too fast. It didn't matter if she was in a hurry or not. She drove fast on general principle. She rolled through stop signs, tailgated, and honked her horn impatiently at other drivers. Most times, riding with her was like being in a high-speed chase.

By the time we had parked, we were still in one piece. We walked over to Barneys to shop. We had fun trying on clothes and laughing at each other. Catie and I could fit into some of the same things, but our shapes were completely different—hers tall and thin, mine petite and curvy.

“Try these on,” she said, handing me a pair of coated Hudson jeans.

As we made our way toward the dressing room, Catie got the usual open stares, and not only from men. She was always mistaken for a celebrity because of her striking beauty and super stylish way of dressing.

In the dressing room, I liked how the jeans made me look taller. When I went out to get Catie's opinion, she was looking at a Judith Leiber clutch. Before I could ask her anything, a man walked up to her.

“Do I know you from somewhere?” he asked.

“Possibly,” Catie replied, still eyeing the clutch and not looking up at him.

“I'm certain I know you from somewhere,” the guy said.

“Well, then, maybe you do.” Turning to me, she said, “I love them. They make you look taller.”

“That's what I thought, too,” I said.

“What's your name?” the guy persisted.

“If you knew me, you'd know my name,” Catie said with exasperation, finally facing him. Guys approached her for all kinds of reasons, all the time. She didn't seem to have much patience that particular day.

“I guess you're right,” he said.

Catie looked him dead in the eye and said, “Okay, since you don't know my name, it must mean you don't know me. So get the hell out of my face and let my friend and me enjoy our shopping.” She looked at me and winked.