Anytime Soon (20 page)

She paused as if she were deep in thought.

I started realizing that throughout this ordeal, I had come to understand myself so much better. At the least, I now knew about love. So although I was embarrassed for ending up in a predictable mess, I was also grateful for the lesson.

“I'm never going to find another like him,” I mourned.

“No, you won't. You'll find somebody better than him. Somebody available. Don't sell yourself short. He can't give you what you need. And he's got kids. You don't even want kids.”

She was certainly right about that. In all of my fantasies about Jeff and I being together, I never included his children. They just weren't on my mind the way he was. I sighed so loudly that Aunt Marie literally jumped.

“It's okay,” she said, putting her hand on my knee. “I know it hurts. But in time, things will be much better.”

She pulled out two wine glasses and poured a glass of red for each of us.

In my mind's eye, I had let Jeff go. I imagined him playing on a beach with his wife, or feeding her strawberries, or looking at pictures of their children.

I sighed again and shook my head hard. This time Aunt Marie poured herself another glass of wine. My glass was still full. I never did finish it, but Aunt Marie took care of the rest of the bottle for both of us.

By now, I was tired of talking.

“Would you mind if I took a shower?” I asked.

“You go right ahead,” she offered.

The hot water was soothing. I cried like a baby.

Which anniversary is this? Are they drinking and kissing? Is he
thinking about me? God, give me strength to leave Jeff.

Aunt Marie let me borrow a sweat suit and a pair of her flip-flops. I couldn't have put my feet back into my tennis shoes if I had wanted to; the bottoms of my feet still seemed like they were pounding against the pavement. I felt strong and sure, so I decided to do something right away.

“Aunt Marie, can I borrow your car?”

“The Beamer?”

Aunt Marie's 850 rode like a dream. I drove carefully, because the last thing I needed was to pay for Aunt Marie's car to get fixed. I parked in front of Jeff's firm and sat there for a little while. It would only take me fifteen minutes to pack up all my stuff and get out. My stomach danced, but I ignored it. I was focused. Jeff had given me keys to the office when I first started working there. I never used them, but I had kept them on my key ring. I opened the top and bottom locks, but the one at the very bottom, near the floor, was already open. Jeff would be pissed if he knew that someone had left that last one unlocked.

I walked inside, locking the door behind me.

The office was dark, but I knew the place well and could get around blindfolded. When I saw that the light was on in the copy room and heard a noise coming from the back of the office, I put my hand on my pepper spray and squeezed my toes together so Aunt Marie's flip-flops wouldn't make a sound as I walked. It wasn't unusual for the attorneys to work late. I had parked in front on the street, so I didn't know if anyone had parked in the garage. I thought about calling Jeff, but then I remembered why I was there in the first place. He was off in La-La Land with his darling wife. If I hadn't been so scared at that moment, I would have puked. I walked slowly to the copy room entrance and stood there in disbelief.

“Anaya!” Jeff said, startled, looking up at me.

I didn't respond immediately, because if I had, I would have uttered a string of expletives.

I whirled around on Aunt Marie's flip-flops so fast that I hurt the inside of my big toe. As I rushed away, tears were streaming full-force down my face.

Jeff caught up with me and grabbed my wrist. I used every ounce of strength I had to break free. My breathing was fierce, and my glare was icy. But he wouldn't let go. I kept twisting and turning, but his grip was too strong. I used my other hand to try to push his hand away, but that didn't work, either. I tried pushing his face, but he still didn't let go. Instead, he grabbed my other hand by the wrist. I was panting and sweating.

“Anaya!”

“What?”
I screamed.

I stopped fighting.

“What?”
I yelled again.

“I know what you must be thinking, and I'm sorry.”

I glared at him. “No, you don't know what I'm thinking. You don't need to know, either.”

“Let me explain,” he pleaded.

Neither of us said anything for a moment. I was mad, but I wanted to hear what he had to say, every single bit of it. Why had he lied about the anniversary trip?

His eyes sought my understanding, but his grip was still tight. I started to panic that maybe I didn't want to hear what he had to say, after all. I just wanted to get away.

“Why did you lie?” I beseeched. “Am I so hard to talk to? Am I so unreasonable? Or am I just stupid? You probably feel like you can tell stupid little me any old stupid lie.”

I'm outta here
, I decided. I tried once more to get free from his grip.

“Anaya, please!” he entreated.

He finally released me. I folded my arms across my chest.

This better be good.

“Go!” I said.

“What?”

“Talk!”

He hadn't shaved, and his eyes were red. He looked pathetic and didn't seem to know where to start.

Finally, he said, “This thing between us has been driving me crazy. I can't think straight. I can't concentrate on work. I can't even make love to my wife anymore. All I think about is you, all the time, every day.”

He saw that I was still waiting for an explanation, so he said, “I'm sorry I lied to you about this weekend. I needed time to clear my head. She and I have been fighting like crazy, and it's taking a toll. I'm in love with you, but I don't know what the hell to do because I have a family . . . and a baby expected.”

Goosebumps formed all over my body.
A baby? Well, then, there
must have been sex somewhere along the way.

“I needed time alone,” he continued. “I'm sorry I lied to you. You don't deserve that.”

“Wait,” I halted him. “She's pregnant?”

He looked broken and haggard. Until this moment, I had thought I was agonizing all by myself. I didn't realize he had been struggling, too. A single tear rolled down the side of his face as he nodded yes.

Damn!

“That's why I tried so hard to see you earlier. I wanted to tell you.”

I tried to walk away, but I couldn't because he moved closer to me and took me in his arms. I hugged him back and could feel the intense emotions between us. He kissed my neck and cheek. As I wiped away his tears, I let my feelings carry me away.

Don't let him fool you
, I heard Sophie say in my mind.

Three months ago— three
days
ago—I would have been afraid of what was happening, but tonight I welcomed it. I
wanted
it. Nothing mattered except this moment. As I stood there in his arms, I felt closer to him than I ever had been before. I had wanted this embrace for so long.

The flesh is weak. Don't succumb.
I turned my head to the left to block out Ava's voice in my mind.

Jeff looked at me, turned my head back to him, raised my chin, and kissed me, softly and slowly.

Might as well follow your heart, 'cause if you don't, it's gonna
follow you
. I ignored the Roscoeism in my mind, and I kissed Jeff back.

Your love signs are in sync!
I hear you, Aunt Deb.

Put your back into it, bitch!
Quiet, Catie!

I arched my back as his hands searched my body. I felt myself letting go. I shook my head slowly to clear my thoughts. Jeff stopped kissing me. He caressed my cheek and searched deep into my eyes. When I kissed him again, I listened to my heart, listened to my body, and acted on the passion that was building between me and the man I loved so dearly.

I heard my keys drop to the floor as he found his way to me through Aunt Marie's jacket. I never wanted anything so badly in my life. He moved with intensity, showing all the desire he had for me. My heart raced with physical need. I adored this man, and at that moment, there was no one else in the world but the two of us.

“Jeff,” I moaned breathlessly.

“I love you, little lady,” he whispered.

My mind and body exploded at the same time. I was emotionally and physically exhausted.

We lay on the floor of the copy room, looking at each other, surrounded by stacked-up reams of paper. I was the first to look away.

After all this time, I choose this day to let go of the last shred of
self-respect and morality that I have in me. Terrific.

I sat up. We were both uncomfortably quiet for the first time since we started seeing each other. I looked down at the floor, because I knew he was looking at me. I didn't want to face him.

I dressed quickly and grabbed my keys. I don't think he expected me to run away, but that's what I did. As I ran to the door, I heard him fumbling to put his pants on.

“Hold on! Please!”

I didn't slow down, and I didn't say anything. Once outside, I jumped in the Beamer and sped off.

He called my phone six times as I headed to Aunt Marie's. When I got there, she didn't ask any questions. She gave me a big hug and told me to stay as long as I needed. I called Mom, told her where I was, and said I would be home the next day. She was curious, but she let it pass.

I cried throughout the night, prodded by replaying everything over in my mind: how he mentioned the baby, how we ended up on the floor.

He lied about the anniversary trip to protect me. Another damn
kid? Making love in the copy room—Why did I let that happen?

Now he's all over me, mentally and physically.

I turned my phone off because I got tired of hearing it ring. My body felt numb, my head hurt from thinking too much, and the soreness between my legs was a constant reminder of what had happened. I couldn't fix it, and I didn't want to. I was the other woman, and I felt every bit of it.

Aunt Marie checked on me a couple of times. But mostly she just left me alone, which was exactly what I wanted.

The next day, she brought me home. As we walked through the front door, she yelled cheerfully to no one in particular, “Hey, everybody!”

Ava came down from her room. “Hi, Aunt Marie,” she said, giving her a hug. Then to me, Ava said with concern, “Where have you been? Mom was looking for you. You haven't been answering your cell.”

“I'm okay,” I said quickly and headed upstairs.

When I got to my room, I called Shirley and told her I wouldn't be in because I was sick. I knew I couldn't go back to the office
that
day, and I did, indeed, feel ill.

When I finally got my bearings, I started making some changes. First, I called Professor Klein to find out if he knew of any open positions. He said that a teaching assistant was needed for the extension campus down in the valley, about a forty-five-minute drive from my parents' house. He told me the salary and that housing came with the job. I reminded him that after psychology, teaching was my second choice of profession. Then I went online and applied for the job.

I also went to see Judy.

“Are you okay?” she asked as soon as I sat down.

“No,” I admitted.

“Okay. Tell me what's going on.”

“I'm making bad decisions. I know I should have broken it off with him a long time ago. But instead, I deepened it by making it physical.”

“Why didn't you break it off?”

“Because I love him.”

“And that stops you from breaking it off?”

I cannot believe I pay you for this.

“I love him,” I repeated.

“What do you want?” she asked.

“I don't know.”

“Do you want to marry him?”

“I don't know.”

“Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him, without being married to him?”

I didn't answer.

“Do you know what you want from Jeff?”

If I did, I wouldn't be torturing myself sitting here with you,
would I?

Irritated with myself, I started to fixate on her brown corduroy jacket, brown loafers, and bright red lipstick.
So unattractive. Next
time, I'm gonna ask if I can lie on that couch over there, so I don't
have to look at you.

“If I knew what I wanted, I wouldn't be here.”

“Explore it, rather than get frustrated. What do you want? What would make you happy?”

If you wore nude-colored lipstick . . . that would be a pretty nice
start.

“If there were peace on Earth,” I said, exasperated. Then I slumped far down in my seat like an angry fifth grader.

Judy closed her notebook. “You can't hide behind other people's happiness,” she advised me. “Establish your own desires. Figure out what you want. Get an idea of what will make you truly happy.”

“I don't know how to do that. I'm so used to doing things for other people, that I don't know how to do things for myself,” I admitted.

“Well, knowing is half the battle. Let's come up with some ways you can start doing things for yourself. One thing we've been talking about for as long as I've been seeing you is living at home. I know that bothers you. Why don't you start there, and explore your feelings about that. Figure out why you really won't move out. Develop some pros and cons, and when you come back next time, we can talk about them. How does that sound?”

“It sounds hard.”

“It doesn't have to be,” she said with a smile.

On my way home, I thought hard about the assignment Judy had given me.

For the next three days, I focused on myself and my family. I helped Mom plant new flowers in the backyard. I went to the gym more than usual. I even watched sports on TV with Roscoe a few times. I didn't leave the house, nor did I answer my cell. I wasn't ready to deal with the world beyond the walls of home. I just couldn't do it.