An Idol for Others (50 page)

“That’s my baby. She’s
Eaglet
. She’s too small to be an eagle, but I soar when I’m on her.”

“I’d like to go soaring with you.” All the small property was beautifully planted to give the effect of vistas. Trees had been astutely placed to provide some shade for the terrace and break the undistinguished line of the house. “The garden is superb. Has it always been here?”

“No, I did most of it.”

“I thought so. And John was more or less responsible for the inside of the house?”

“Yes.”

“There’s something about it that almost breaks my heart, but that’ll pass. You at 22 tackling this garden. You must’ve been a joy to behold. And being here all alone for the last year. I very nearly can’t bear it.” Inexplicable tears filled his eyes.

Tom looked at him wonderingly. “What a very nice man you are, darling. I’ll show you the rest; then we’d better have a big drink, or I’ll burst into tears myself–of sheer happiness, utter impossible happiness.” He leaned forward and kissed the side of Walter’s face. Walter instinctively drew back. Tom smiled. “It’s all right. Nobody can see us. I planned it very carefully.”

They went back inside, and Tom led the way to a small den at the end of the big room. It was lined with books, and a cluttered desk turned its back on the view. “This is where I work.” He went to the desk and picked up a framed photograph. “I might as well show you this, and then I’ll put it away.” He handed the photograph to Walter.

Tom was standing looking only a little younger and slightly heavier, with a pale smile on his lips. A shorter, slightly heavier youngish-looking man stood beside him. His smile was so bright, there was an air of such eager vigor about him that Walter despaired of ever knowing what John had been like. He handed the photograph back.

“Don’t put it away on my account.”

“No, on his. It’s not fair to him to be reminded all the time of how much he let us miss.”

They put their arms around each other’s waists as Tom led them back to the entrance. Short corridors ran off it to left and right. Tom turned to the left, and they entered a pleasant bedroom whose most attractive feature was a view of a tiny, densely planted courtyard. Tom went to the door and opened it and returned to Walter’s side.

“This was my room. There’s a bathroom in there. Believe it or not, this is where I slept most of the time. I thought if we put a desk in here and another phone, you could use it as an office. What do you think? As far as I’m concerned, the bed will be pure camouflage.”

“Fine. I won’t have to muss it, will I?”

“I’d rather you didn’t. It’ll save wear and tear. Come on.” They crossed the entrance and followed the other short corridor to another larger, more elaborately furnished bedroom, with a similar, larger courtyard off it. “Now, darling. This was Johnnie’s room. I’ve been living here for the last year, for company. As far as I’m concerned, it’s mine now; but if you don’t like the idea, we can change everything around or get the hell out.”

Walter looked around the room. He knew this wasn’t easy for Tom despite his breezy manner. “The bed looks like us,” he said. It was an outsize double. “Wouldn’t it be better over here? I love the courtyards. Were they your idea?”

“Yeah. Thanks. The bed here? That’s where I always wanted it.” Sinewy muscles swelled, fabric stretched over the lithe body as he grappled with the bed and shoved it into its new position. He stood back beside Walter and surveyed the effect. “Obviously, that’s where it belongs.”

“OK, Tommy. I think we’d better have that big drink.”

Tom’s hand touched Walter’s. “The bad part’s over, darling. Thanks to you. Yeah, a drink to celebrate. But I mean, celebrate. I don’t know where to begin.”

They fixed themselves drinks in the kitchen area and carried them to a big sofa in the living room and sat side by side while Tom looked at his mail. He sorted it into two piles and handed one of the piles to Walter.

“Will you look at those, darling? These are all bills.”

“You mean, open them?”

“Of course, they’re for us. You’ll let me read yours, won’t you? I said all of you.”

“I mean all of me.”

They drank and opened envelopes. “Anything interesting?” Tom asked when he had glanced at his pile.

“A couple of fan letters. Very nice. An invitation to appear at some sort of symposium that sounds fairly heavy. Something to do with the end of civilization. This seems to be a love letter.”

“That must be Steve, the birthday boy. He never got me, poor guy; and now he never will. We’ll have to have him out and be nice to him. You’ll like him.” He swung his feet up onto the arm of the sofa and stretched out and lay his head in Walter’s lap. “God, here we are at last. You and I. Us. We’re together. The two of us.” He rubbed his cheek against the hard bulge of Walter’s crotch and lifted a hand to stroke Walter’s cheek. “Thanks, darling. That’s the way I want you to be. For us. Not me anymore. Us.”

He doubled up and rolled in against Walter and buried his head against his abdomen and clung to him. His body was shaken by sobs. They quickly passed, and he stretched out again and dropped his head back onto Walter’s lap. Walter’s arms held him. His cheeks were streaked with tears. He looked up and smiled. “Another attack of hysteria. Only it wasn’t. It’s love. It’s getting so big that there’s no more room for it inside me. It’s going to spill out all over the place.” He pulled himself up so that his arms rested against Walter’s chest, his head against his shoulder, and he kissed his neck. “I better unload the car; then I’ll run out and do some shopping.” He sat up straighter and propped himself on an arm and looked into Walter’s eyes. “Listen. What should I get for us? You know. I’ve heard a thousand jokes about K-Y. Is that what we should have?”

“Sure, it’s fine.”

“I won’t get arrested if I ask for it?”

Walter chuckled. He held him at the sides of his ribs and pulled him closer and gave his mouth a quick kiss. “You’re safe. You can say it’s for your wife.”

“Really? How very peculiar?” He laughed and shook his hair back and sprang up. He gave a hitch to his jeans as he swung off toward the front door. He snapped his fingers and veered back toward a telephone on a table. Walter heard him address somebody named Marjorie and then stopped listening and simply gazed at him, more profoundly moved than he had ever been by a human being. He was capable of love. He knew it at last. All of his being seemed to have risen to the surface of his skin and yearned for Tom’s caress. He was wholly exposed. He felt as if he could be as easily crushed as any creature that had just shed its carapace, but for the first time in his life he didn’t fear his vulnerability. His only fear was that he might still fail Tom in some way, prove unworthy of him. He thought of how carefully he had contrived only a week ago to make it difficult for himself to run back to the stale protection of life with Clara. It wouldn’t be necessary now; nothing could tear him away. Tom’s challenge was that he made no challenge but accepted him in an act of faith. He stood when Tom hung up.

“That was Marjorie,” Tom explained. “She’ll clean for us. She’s one of the last local ladies who lives around here. She’s been a good friend. Why don’t you fix yourself another drink?”

“Can’t I come with you?”

Tom smiled. Light seemed to flow from him. “You don’t have to. I’m used to doing the chores. Aren’t you tired?”

“Probably, but I don’t feel it when I’m with you.”

“Then come here, damn it.”

Walter went to him and put his hands on his waist. Tom’s lips were soft and tasted of whisky. Walter relinquished them with an effort. “I’ll help you with the bags,” he said.

Tom showed him around the Tiburon Shopping Center, and they were soon home again. They emptied the luggage onto the bed in Tom’s old room. “I’ll sort it all out later,” Tom said. “Do you want a shower as much as I do?”

They undressed in the room that immediately became theirs. Tom had an erection before he was out of his jeans. He stood in front of Walter and began to masturbate slowly and without self-consciousness. “Goodness. This is a lovely tease when I know you’re going to take over. I amaze myself. Nobody’s ever affected me this way. You make my body feel so wonderful that I’m falling in love with myself. That’s good. That’s enough. I’m just making myself want you.”

The soaped each other under the shower, and Tom gave Walter an erection. “I’m so glad we waited,” he said when they were drying themselves. “We belong to each other now. Anything we do is right. I’d have had a nervous breakdown a few days ago. Your cock in me. Jesus.” He handed Walter the tube of lubricant they had bought. “Come to bed and show me, darling. It looks impossible, but I’m sure nothing’s impossible for you.”

Walter led him into the bedroom, and they lay in each other’s arms while he applied the lubricant, stroking it between Tom’s buttocks and gently inserting a finger into him. Tom gasped. His eyes were wide and brimming with tears.

“My darling,” Tom whispered hoarsely. “You’re going to take everything I am. I’m going to give all of myself to your cock. Your cock, darling. I worship your cock. You. Do you know what it means? You won’t leave me after this, will you? You can’t.”

“I’ll never leave you, Tommy.” He knew what it meant. They had passed beyond desire. The act had become a consecration of all they could offer each other. He felt a great tender concern for the friend who moved against him and offered his body to be joined to his. He shifted him around and held him in his arms and entered him carefully. Tom cried out. Walter held him and waited. After a moment he exerted an additional small pressure.

“Oh, Christ,” Tom cried. “Is it supposed to hurt so much?”

“I don’t think it will, darling,” Walter soothed him, “but I told you it wasn’t necessary. Do you want me to stop?”

“No, please. I want it. Just slowly, darling. Please.”

Walter lay still. Their breathing carried them closer to each other. Walter felt himself slipping almost imperceptibly into him. He stroked him gently and felt the strain in him easing. He remained motionless and became aware of a small movement of Tom’s hips. He responded with a pressure no greater than a deep breath. Tom laughed. Walter gripped his hips and felt resistance passing, and all of himself seemed to gather in the act of possession as he made a long thrust into him. Tom shouted. They were caught up in an ecstasy of union. Their bodies moved in rhythmic unity. Consciousness was suspended. They were gripped and bound by an impossible need to be one; then they flew apart. They lay together gasping, as drained and spent and bewildered as if they had been dashed up on some unknown shore. After another few minutes, Walter withdrew slowly and rolled out of bed and went to the bathroom and washed. He knew something had eluded them in the final moment. Some resistance remained in Tom, something withheld. When he returned, Tom was lying facedown where he had left him.

He dropped down on his stomach beside him and flung an arm across him and kissed his hair. “Tell me, baby,” he commanded.

“I’m ashamed, and I’m trying so hard not to be.”

“Good God, darling. Why?” He pushed in closer to him and tried to unbury his face from the pillow.

“I don’t know. For wanting it? For worshiping your cock? It’s terrible to want anybody so much.”

“Did you feel that? I love wanting you so much, but it doesn’t have to be that particular way. It’s probably just not your thing, that’s all. Why should it be?”

Tom turned onto his side to face him and put an arm around him. “Because it’s yours. I felt as if doors were opening down endless corridors. Revelation after revelation. And then there was a door that wouldn’t open. I didn’t want it to. I was ashamed. It’s an awful way of putting it, but I can think of lots of guys whose cock I’d suck, in theory, but I wouldn’t let anybody except you do that. Do you know what I mean? I felt as if I were making a sacrifice.”

“So you didn’t like it. It doesn’t matter.” Walter meant it. He knew they would find satisfaction in one form or another. He was already looking forward to the next step.

“It does,” Tom protested. “Maybe I liked it more than I want to admit. You’ve got to go on. You’ve got to open that final door for me.”

“I know what to do about that.”

“Do you?”

“Of course. That’s why we waited, darling. So we could go on and on and find out everything. Let’s have another drink and put your things away and have an early dinner. Then we can come back to bed.”

“I go on amazing myself. Once has always been enough for me. Now I want it and want it and want it. Right now. More.”

“We don’t have to wait till after dinner. Let’s see who gets a hard-on first.”

They climbed out of bed and put on dressing gowns in the other room, and Tom began to organize clothes. Walter left him to call David from the big room. David laughed until he choked when he heard his voice.

“You’re something, honey,” he finally managed. He reported that the big evening had gone much as Walter had predicted. Clara had carried it off in her characteristically regal fashion. She had worn a dress that conspicuously displayed the brooch and had left the cocktail party several times pretending to go up and see how Walter was feeling. The presentation dinner had gone well, and Walter’s acceptance speech had been read by Richard.

“Have you heard from her yet?” David asked. “Well, brace yourself, honey. I didn’t tell her anything, but she knew Tom had been there. She didn’t come right out and ask for his address, and I didn’t let on that there was any reason for her to have it. But it was obvious what she was thinking. She’ll find you easily enough. I don’t want to be nosy, but how is everything?”

“Heavenly.”

“It’s like that, is it?” David laughed some more. “Well, you’ve certainly kept me guessing for the last 30 years. I’ve got to hand it to you. When you finally make up your mind, you don’t fool around. You couldn’t have found a greater guy to run away with. What are you going to do now?”

“Think.” Tom appeared with a handful of ties, and Walter beckoned to him. “Just a minute.” He put an arm around Tom’s shoulders and handed him the instrument.

“Hi there,” Tom said. He listened, fingering the cloth over Walter’s chest. He spoke in broken phrases interrupted by bursts of deep laughter. David was doubtless being outrageous.