An Idol for Others (46 page)

“Oh, Tommy, Tommy, dearest Tommy,” Walter exclaimed. “I’m wondering how to say it right. I think I could spend the rest of my life with you. It may sound silly, but I mean it. I told you, I’m no prize. I’m spoiled. I don’t have much money. I’m used to having people do everything for me. I’m vain and famous and expect attention. I’m getting old. There you are. If you want me, you can have me.”

Tom straightened, and his shoulders seemed to grow broader. His long fingers clutched convulsively at his trousers. His lips parted, and he moistened them with his tongue. “If I thought you knew what you’re talking about, I’d scream the place down with ecstasy,” he said in a muted voice. “You just can’t get it through your head. I have to live with the guy I love. I mean really live. It’s not the same as being married, but that’s the rough idea. I’m demanding too. I’ve been in a bad way. A transcontinental affair is one thing I don’t need. But that’s aside from the point. I can live anywhere. I’d live here if you wanted me to, but together, as a pair, so that everybody would know and treat us accordingly. I think we’re both out of our minds.”

The imp in Walter grew more pronounced. “Am I to take it that you’re proposing? I accept. I don’t care where we live. We have time to decide about that First, I want a California honeymoon.”

Tom didn’t laugh. Walter was approaching the dissolution of his life with gaiety and insouciance, as if he didn’t expect to be taken seriously. He mustn’t let himself believe in it yet. “What about all that weight, Walter?” he reminded him.

“Weight? I suppose if I step out from under it, it’ll fall with a hideous crash. The boys are grown-up. They’d be the only serious reason for second thoughts. The younger one is just the age I was when I had my first experience with a boy. Harry was his romantic name, and I’ve always been inclined to hate him everlastingly, but there have been times when I’ve been grateful to him–now more than ever.”

“I think I
will
scream the place down.” Tom flung himself back onto the bed and bounced up again. Walter’s heart raced at what had taken place in his face. It had all come alive. His eyes danced. His grin had spread into a dazzling smile of barely contained delight. His throat swelled with laughter. Light radiated from him and warmed him like the sun. It made him almost believe that he could escape Clara.

“When do you want to go to California?” Tom asked through ripples of laughter.

“Soon. The next day or two? You’re not still planning to leave today, are you?”

“You said you were tied up for a week.”

“I was. I’m either tied up for a week, or I’m going to drive to California with you. You leave me no choice.”

“Jesus. That’s not right. I’m sorry. I’ll stay. I keep forgetting we hardly know each other. You must have a thousand things to think about, with the big event tonight and everything. You’d be mad to decide anything until that’s out of the way.”

“What if I skip the big event tonight?” Walter’s laughter was wickedly gleeful. “That would simplify matters. The only trouble is that I’d miss seeing Clara’s face if I don’t show up.”

“Cut that out.” Tom was winning so triumphantly that it scared him. He was a gambler and superstitious. Never push your luck, he warned himself. He kept feeling as if he were dropping in an express elevator when he thought of their bodies touching. “We’ll have all day tomorrow to decide what we want to do. Tonight you’re going to collect your award.”

“I’m not so sure. The award has nothing to do with you, so it’s really a nonevent. If you’ll let us go to bed, maybe I’ll do what you tell me. I’ll be yours, and you’ll be mine, and nothing else in the world will matter.”

Nothing
, Tom thought. “Now listen, Walter. This is getting serious,” he said. “I’m not a wrecker. Your career. Your marriage. I’m just beginning to realize how big it is. I’ve been thinking too much about myself. Maybe we’ll be sexually incompatible.” A sparkle of humor returned to his eyes, and he mocked them both. “I know what you like. It’s never happened to me. What if I don’t like it?”

Walter smiled into the humor of his eyes. “Sex. It’s love, Tommy. You can’t know what I like, because I’ve never been to bed with you, and I don’t know myself. There’s so much more of you than there is of me. I think you can bring me back to life. Forget all that weight. Marriage? Career? One is an aberration, the other a fake. The words are interchangeable. I want you.”

“No, darling. Please.” Tom sprang up, and Walter was immediately standing in front of him, holding his arms but not touching him elsewhere. Tom lay his sinewy hands on Walter’s forearms. They both took deep breaths at the sudden longed-for contact. They remained still, breathing in unison, steadying themselves in preparation for the act of love they both knew couldn’t be postponed.

“Oh, God, Tommy,” Walter murmured. “I’ve got to hold on to you. Please let me. You’ve got to stay with me every second until we’re safe. Please get me away from here. You don’t know how important it is.”

“I’m beginning to.” Their eyes searched and probed, so close that they seemed to reach into the most secret depths of each other. “Yes. Now,” Tom breathed. “We can talk about everything later.”

“Are you sure I’m not trying to get you out of my system?”

“That was long ago. I’m sure now.”

Walter moved his hands up to his shoulders and down his back. Tom’s body became a reality, and he found it thrilling–hard, lithe, agile. “I’m feeling a bit shy myself. It’s fairly tremendous when you know it could be for life. I’ve got to get it right this time. I can’t afford mistakes, Tommy.”

“You know, I almost come every time you call me that. Nobody has before.”

“That’s nice. I used to be known as an innovator.” Walter laid a hand on his cheek. He touched his lips with the tips of his fingers and ran his hand through his hair. “How did you know exactly how I wanted you to look? I think I’m going to faint when I kiss you. We’d better take it a bit at a time. Where shall we start?”

Tom grasped the bottom of his jersey and peeled it off over his head, exposing a broad tanned chest, lightly shadowed with hair, the pectoral muscles flat and barely defined, the nipples large and brown and smooth. There was a faint ripple of abdominal muscle above the concavity of his belly.

“How beautiful of you not to have a lot of hair.” Walter’s fingers brushed against smooth skin and strayed into his armpits and encountered a few soft curls. “Not even here.”

“What about you? Are you a great hairy ape?” Tom chuckled and slowly began to unbutton Walter’s shirt.

Walter’s eyes misted at the quiet intimacy of it. He awaited the revelation of some ultimate secret, the secret of love that he might have learned with Mark but had resisted. He slipped his shirt off. Their eyes signaled to each other, and they moved their heads to each other. Their lips touched. Their mouths opened, and they moved into each other, their arms around each other, their bodies pressed to each other and straining for total contact. They broke apart and tore off their remaining clothes.

They caught only a brief glimpse of each other before they were in each other’s arms again. They both uttered incoherent sounds at the feel of their nakedness against each other. Their mouths were joined as Walter moved him toward the bed. Urgent little cries came from Tom’s throat. They fell on the bed. Tom tore his mouth away.

“Oh, God,” he cried. “Walter. No!” His body pitched about with his orgasm.

Walter laughed and moved his hips against him and came quickly after him. Schoolboy sex, but no less thrilling for that.

They lay still for a minute for two, and then Tom pulled away and made a dash for the bathroom. He returned with a towel, trying not to act as self-conscious as he felt. Walter was even more magnificent physically then he had imagined, and he had done nothing for him. He was the man he had dreamed of ever since he had first heard of him. He wanted to lie at his feet and worship him dumbly. He wanted to howl in adoration. Years of repression and inhibition hadn’t tamed the fierce cravings in him. Walter wiped himself off and pulled him down close again.

They lay together finding worlds of bright, infinite promise in each other’s eyes. Tom shuddered slightly and smiled. “I told you I was lousy in bed.”

“That was lousy? We both came in two seconds. What’s wrong with that? It just proved how much we needed it. God, Tommy, just being with you like this, touching you and smelling you and looking at you, is the most exciting sex I’ve ever known. You couldn’t be lousy in bed if you tried.”

“You’re a nice man, Uncle Walt.” He put a hand on Walter’s hair and inched a little closer to him. “I wonder why Mark didn’t make you sound nice.”

“Oh, lord, poor Mark. I wasn’t very nice with him. I couldn’t imagine living with a guy the way he wanted it. It’s taken me 50 years to find out. Actually, it took me 38 years, about your age, and I’ve been waiting around ever since.”

“I suppose I’ll find out what that means eventually. At least we have Mark in common. It makes me feel as if I’ve known you a long time.”

Walter lifted himself on an elbow and eased Tom onto his back and looked at last at the long, angular, loose-limbed body that he had only begun to know. His narrow midriff bore the pale imprint of very short shorts. His cock was modest in repose, but it had made a fine, lusty display of itself when incited by desire. A few small freckles or moles were scattered over him and pinpointed the places Walter wanted to explore. He was a man, and Walter found him totally desirable. “Tommy the cowboy,” he said, bending to kiss a nipple. “You’re a country boy. That’s one thing that’s wonderful about you. You smell of the country. Thank God you’re not beautiful. You must be the most attractive guy I’ve every seen, but you’re not a goddamned statue. That’s what went wrong with Mark. I’ve always pretended that caring about male beauty had nothing to do with the big homosexual scene.”

“He was beautiful, wasn’t he? He wanted me to do what you did with him …
No
, damn it! You’ve got to help me talk straight about sex. That’s the first thing. He wanted me to
fuck
him–that’s better–and I couldn’t. He really turned me on, but I couldn’t give him what he wanted. I suppose at 18 that counts as a trauma. At least, you don’t want that.”

“Don’t count on it, Tommy. I want you in every way known to man until we don’t know which of us is which.”

“Beautiful. Upset the old male-female balance? That’s what I need. I’ve never really been one thing or the other. You’ll help put it together for me.”

“Yeah.” Walter lowered his head until their lips touched. Tom opened his mouth, passive but responsive. Walter moved his tongue slowly over his lips and teeth into his mouth. Tom put his hands on his shoulders and gripped them as Walter drew back.

“I love your teaching me how to make love, Uncle Walt.”

“Is that what you’re going to call me?”

“It’s what I’m going to call you in public. You’ll know what I’m thinking. Shouldn’t we be deciding what we’re going to do?”

“Haven’t we?” The reminder that another life existed outside of Tom dazed him, making his thoughts collide and tumble over each other. The award. It would soon be time to dress for the evening. A distinguished gathering was due for drinks. The spotlight was about to be turned on him as he moved to center stage. Without Tom? Impossible. He slid an arm under Tom’s shoulders and put the other hand on his waist and threw a leg across him, seeing that he was still wearing one sock, and gathered him close. They were beginning to get hard against each other.

Tom grinned. “As far as I know, all we decided was that we had to be like this. Oh, God, it feels good. Jesus, Walter. Listen. I’d like to sort of work out a timetable. You’ve got to go soon. It doesn’t matter if you’re busy for the next week. Then what?”

“California and … How can you expect me to make sense when you’re getting a hard-on? All I want is to get out of town.”

“What shall I tell the hotel? Shall I keep the room another week?”

“God, no. Tell them they can have the damn room as soon as we’re able to let go of each other.” He slid off him and made love to all his body with his mouth until Tom was shouting and laughing and leaping about under him. Within moments he felt Tom’s orgasm gathering, and he moved quickly the receive the ejaculation in his mouth. He lay back in his turn when Tom moved down over him, but Tom had made such a point of being a sexual novice that he was prepared to pull away at the first sign of awkwardness or reluctance. The ease with which Tom’s mouth took charge of him suggested that this was his particular predilection, and he let himself be carried to a peaceful orgasm. Their bodies were no longer thrilling strangers to each other but were attuned to what felt already like a familiar harmony.

“Now, let’s try again,” Walter said. “Do you have enough cash lying around to get us both to the Coast?”

“I guess so, if we take it easy on champagne and caviar. Why?”

“Because I can’t get any money without going home, and I don’t want to.”

“Don’t be silly. You ought to be getting dressed right now. We’ve got to talk sense.”

“We are. We’re going to California together. Let’s go.”

All of Tom’s face was alive. His eyes sparkled. Their arms and hands tightened on each other. “I keep forgetting. It’s too incredible. You’re going to drive out with me.”

“Can you imagine my letting you go without me?”

“OK. OK,” Tom said excitedly. “Will you come back tonight and spend the night with me?”

Walter laid a hand on the side of his face and looked at him thoughtfully. “Just a minute. Let’s see.” Talking about not going to the ceremony had left a residue of genuine resistance to the whole idea of the award. All the people he admired most in the profession had banded together to honor him. He didn’t want to let them down, but it was time to put first things first. He didn’t need the award; he needed to work things out with Tom. If he were committing a folly, he might as well do it with style and leave himself no lines of retreat. He wanted to mark his liberation from himself, his liberation from the past, his liberation from Clara. Having got to the point of making a decision for which Clara would never forgive him, he was far from sure that he could go through with it. This made him sure that he had to.