An Idol for Others (58 page)

He threw back the covers and sat up. It was surely rage that was shaking his body. “Get the fuck out of here!” he shouted. “Both of you. Get out!” They were standing close together, naked, looking young and vibrant and perfectly matched. He saw the happy expectation in their faces replaced with dismay.

“But, darling–”

“Don’t call me darling,” Walter roared. “Get out of here! Christ. I’m sick of men. Get your fucking cocks out of my sight.” He fell back, exhausted, and gathered the covers around him and buried his face in a pillow. He heard murmuring, then the sounds of movement and the door closing. He tried to work himself back into a torpor, but his heart was pounding, and a great ache of loss was in the pit of his stomach. If Tom went anywhere with that little shit, he would kill him. The possibility began to gnaw at his nerves. He tossed around in the bed trying to find ease. Grown men didn’t tear up pillows and smash watches. Grown men killed. He couldn’t kill Tommy. Kill himself? He was back where he had started. His god with a gold head at his side. He was suddenly racked by great tearing sobs. Why did he do this to himself? He was in total command of life when he stuck to things he was good at. Why get into emotions that were beyond his depth? As soon as the sobs were under control, he crawled out of bed and went to the bathroom, fumbling through his morning ritual. As soon as he was finished, he’d go pack, except that he felt so lousy, he didn’t see how he could. Strong black coffee might help, but he couldn’t go out and face them again.

He was standing irresolutely in the bedroom when he heard a car start up outside and the crunch of gravel as it took the steep drive. He wouldn’t go looking for him. He headed back to bed, wearing his dressing gown. He had just got the covers over him when the door opened. A great wave of comfort and relief swept though him. He glanced at Tom and looked away. He was wearing the shirt and pants he had had on the night before. It was all over, but he needed a few final nasty moments with him to help him out of the house.

“Is anything the matter?” Tom asked calmly.

A long silence followed. Perhaps the greatest punishment would be to refuse to speak to him, but he found the silence unbearable. “Good heavens, no,” he said finally with heavy irony. “Nothing could possibly be the matter, could it?”

“I’m sorry, darling, but Jesus–you were dreadful. Jerry’s terribly upset. You’ve got to call him later and tell him it’s all right. You’ve ruined everything.”

“I’ve ruined everything.” He sprang out of bed and stood in front of him and unleashed his rage. “It was all for us, wasn’t it? We had to have everything together. Sure. That’s why you had to get him off by yourself and fuck him in peace. Jesus Christ. To think I believed in you. Shit. All of it. Utter and total shit.”

“You’re wrong, darling,” Tom said, facing him resolutely. “You were asleep. We didn’t want to disturb you. I hoped you’d wake up and come join us. I left all the doors open. There was nothing sneaky about that. If you saw us, why didn’t you come in?”

“Because I don’t think your little games are very pretty,” Walter roared. “They’re disgusting. I suppose you let him fuck you while you were at it.”

“No, I wanted it, of course–God, that cock and his being yours–but not without your being there. He didn’t think he could, like I used to be. He said your being there might make it work. He knows you’re his father–maybe not consciously, but he knows something. I’m exciting to him because I’m your lover. My taking him–you must’ve known that had to happen. You did it. I did it. It was part of it. I don’t understand what’s bugging you. When I was fucking him–”

“Shut up, goddamn you. Don’t you ever think about anything else? I understand one thing. You have a problem. A big problem. I’m clearing out. You can figure things out on your own.”

Tom lifted his chin, and his eyes hardened. “Back to Clara? I suppose I’ve been sort of half prepared for that all along.”

“No, not Clara. I’ll go somewhere and try to get my life straightened out. I can’t with you. That’s finished. I believed in you, you shit.” He gathered together all his strength and swung away from him and went to the storage closet and pulled out one of the bags Alice had sent him. “I think this is mine, unless it belongs to you too now,” he said icily.

“Oh, please, darling. Don’t do this.” His eyes were pleading. “Don’t say anything’s finished. Certainly not because of this morning. If that was wrong, you’ve got to tell me why.”

“If you don’t know, there’s nothing I can tell you,” Walter said. “There’s nothing I want to say to you about anything.” He threw the bag onto the bed and turned from it and tried to concentrate on what he was going to put in it.

“You’ve got to talk to me, darling. I’ll help you pack if that’s what you want, but I know you don’t. At least, I’ll do everything I can to see that you don’t Later, darling. Shall I bring you some coffee? You haven’t had any breakfast.”

“Why is that? I can’t move in what I was told was at least partly my own house without finding you fucking somebody or getting fucked.”

Tom controlled his laughter so that only a slight chuckle broke from him. “Now, darling. Last night was tremendous, and you know it. Things happened that I’ve often thought about but never dreamed I’d actually know for myself. All you. So many things. Everything’s you.”

“Listen, I don’t want to hear about your dirty little urges. I was there last night. It’s not a memory I want to cherish for the rest of my life.”

“I do. It was one of the most amazing things that’ll ever happen to us. We’re going to be faithful to each other because we’ve discovered so much to be faithful to. Who else could give us what we give each other? We’re more together than any two people have ever been. Won’t you let me put this suitcase away, darling?”

They stood near each other, Tom at the end of the bed, Walter at one side of it. Walter assured himself that he never wanted to get any closer. He had seen the light of reason. Tom was trying to turn sordid debauchery into some sort of poetic vision. “It seems silly to put it away, since I’ll just get it out again,” he said uncompromisingly.

A slight frown crossed Tom’s brow. “All right, darling. I better get you some coffee.”

“If you’ve said everything you have to say,” Walter said, giving an inch in spite of himself.

Tom dropped onto the end of the bed and brushed back the beguiling new lock of hair that fell across one eye. “I always have something more to say. You know that. Don’t you understand the things I’ve been trying to tell you? People talk about gays as if we’re just like everybody else except that we happen to like our own sex. We’re supposed to want what everybody else wants–acceptance in the community, marriage after our fashion, and all of the rest of it. People talk about our minority rights, as if we were blacks with a legitimate grievance. That’s not it at all. We’re unique. I’ll never be your wife, no matter how much you fuck me. We’re two men. We’re rebels. I don’t need anybody to protect my rights, except you. I don’t want to be integrated into a gay community or a straight community or any other kind. I belong to you. I don’t want a model homosexual marriage so that everybody can say we’re ‘really nice–considering.’ I’ll break any law if it means getting closer to you. I’m dangerous because I’m bursting with the kind of love that only men can feel for each other. You’re dangerous too, darling. I know it. I feel it. We’re dangerous because we won’t let anybody stand in the way of our loving each other. Look what you’ve done for me already. The only people who can stop us now are ourselves. We’ve both tried to control it because we’re frightened that it’ll destroy us. That’s what’s finished. I’d rather be destroyed by it than lose it. I talk a lot, and I think I understand certain things, but if I’ve hurt you, I don’t see how I can ever forgive myself. You’re the–” He stopped abruptly and seemed to be having trouble getting a breath “–the only hope of happiness I have.” He ground the last words out in a choked voice and bowed his head and covered his eyes with his fists. His shoulders shook silently.

Walter wanted to drop down beside him and hold him and end his own agony, but he steeled himself to resist him. Tom could put such conviction into his beautiful voice that anything he said became the truth. He waited until the shoulders were motionless. “Very nicely played, Tom,” he said, making his voice as cutting as a knife. “I hope you make notes so you can use these gems in your books.”

Tom lifted his head slowly. He tossed his hair back and wiped his eyes with the palms of his hands and looked at Walter incredulously. “I don’t believe it. You’re not Uncle Walt. Who are you?”

The words wounded Walter in a way that felt fatal. It was all ending. Let it go. “Somebody who cares about decency,” he said recklessly. “You probably think we shouldn’t.”

“Decency?” Tom was on his feet in a blaze of passion. “I’m probably the most decent guy you’ve ever known. Guilt is indecent. I suppose you feel guilty about last night. How sad and wrong. Hurting people is indecent. I may’ve hurt you, but God knows I didn’t mean to. You’re trying to hurt me. You want to.”

“If that’s what you think, why don’t you clear out?” He had the advantage, so long as Tom didn’t act on his suggestion. It felt good to be independent again, his own master. Tom’s presence permitted him to savor it. “If you want to help with the packing, you could sort out the shirts.”

“What is this, darling?” He touched his forehead with bewilderment, a plea once more in his voice. “Because you were asleep I got out of bed to do something I could have done right there. I thought you’d be pleased to know what a man you’ve made of me.”

“Very gratifying, I’m sure. Anything else?”

Tom wanted to lie at his feet and howl. Again. He had to stand up to him. He knew the barriers people erected around themselves when they were hurt. If he couldn’t get to him any other way, he must dare to attack. “All right. If you really want to leave, go ahead. Go.”

Walter had seen his expression harden and close, and it frightened him. A chill passed through him. He had decided to leave. Tom wanted to keep him. That was what it was all about. They mustn’t lose sight of that. “If you’d clear out so I can pack–”

“You’d better go back to Clara,” Tom cut in. “If you don’t, I know what you’ll turn in to. You’re going to want boys. You always have, but you’ve kept yourself under control all your life. I’ve corrupted you. You’ll start chasing them. You’ll be just one more pathetic queen. You’ll get all you want for a while, but eventually you’ll be an aging queen, and there’s nothing more pathetic than that. You’d better go back to Clara. At least she’ll keep you out of trouble.”

“You’re really asking for it. I’m warning you–”

“I’m warning you. I’ve started something you won’t be able to stop. You’re used to people falling for you and having everything your own way; but when you start chasing, things change. Lots of pretty boys are tough cookies. The great Walter Makin will start paying for cock. That’s all it’ll be–cocks and asses, cocks and asses. You’re as hung up on cock as I am. Your own mostly, but–”

“Goddamn you!” Walter shouted. He made a fist and took a quick step forward and hit Tom hard in the face.

Tom reeled back against the bureau and remained there, leaning against it. He looked at him with dead eyes. “I loathe people who hit people. Maybe I should’ve told you. Now I have. I probably should throw you out.”

“I’d like to see you try.” He wanted to hit him again. That was the surest way of ending it. Make them both hate each other. Then what? His mind reeled through the possibilities–staying with David, going ahead with Tom’s play, joining the kids at the ranch, doing the bars to find a boy–and rejected all of them. Killing himself? He doubted if he could. Life on the whole had been marvelous. It had made him an optimist. He didn’t want to stop living. He kept his eyes averted from Tom’s face. He didn’t know what he would do if there was a mark on it. “I don’t see why you don’t go and let me do what I want to do,” he said, wording it to leave room for a reply.

“This is going to come as a big surprise to you, but that’s exactly what I’m going to do.” Tom remained leaning against the bureau for another moment and then slowly pulled himself upright and started casually, almost indifferently toward the door.

Walter’s heart skipped a beat and began to pound violently. The idiot hadn’t understood anything. Walter had simply been trying to make him understand that he’d behaved outrageously. The room suddenly felt empty. “What’re you … Tom … Tom …” His voice failed. Tears started to fill his eyes, and his chest heaved with a sob he managed to choke back. He wasn’t going to give in to it. He was tired. His control was a little unsteady. He heard an infant wail and realized that the strange sound was being forced out of him. He heard the strange wail again. He swayed slightly on his feet. There was a flurry of movement behind him, and Tom’s arms were around him. He gave himself to them, and the torrent burst. Great cries were torn from him. They sank down to the edge of the bed and clung to each other. He felt Tom sobbing against him. They beat on each other’s backs and shoulders with their fists. They slid off the bed and fell to the floor on their knees, still clinging to each other. They slowly found peace in each other’s bodies.

“Darling. My beloved. Sweet darling,” Tom prayed against his ear. “Let it all go. I hurt so. I hurt you. We’ll never leave each other. We’ll be together always. There could never be anybody else for either of us. We’re going on now. Together. Always.”

They loosened their hold on each other and drew slightly apart. Their faces were streaked with tears. Tom laughed unsteadily. “I’m not trying to get out of making you coffee, darling. I just got sidetracked.” His smile faded, and his eyes searched Walter’s. “I’ve hurt you, darling. I can’t stand it. I’ve hurt you.”

“Oh, God, Tommy. Yes. If all this means I’ve got to watch you making love to somebody else, I don’t think I can take it. Last night was all right. I understood what we were doing. This morning almost killed me. I’m maybe being stupid, but I can’t help it.”

“We were taking risks, darling. I know that. We have to take risks if we’re going to know all of each other, but I should’ve waited till you waked up. I swore I’d never hurt you. Something went wrong. It’s not easy for me to face myself.’ His hands tightened on Walter’s arms. “We’re getting at something, aren’t we? We’ve had to get at it together.”