Always Something There to Remind Me (14 page)

‘Happy New Year, Lyd,’ he said, holding me tightly. ‘Let’s make it a year when all your dreams come true.’

I smiled up at him. ‘What about your dreams? You’ve never mentioned them.’

He laughed and held me tighter. ‘They’re not for publication yet, but let’s just say that right now I feel as if they’re right on track.’ He kissed me again, slowly and tenderly, his body pressed against me as I leaned against the wall of the house. I wanted to stay that way for ever, but the sound of approaching footsteps disturbed us and we broke off from our embrace to turn towards our hostess. Tess was very drunk by now and she almost lost her balance as she reached us. Des caught her arms and helped her to straighten up. She shook her head and giggled, looking first at Des and then at me.

‘If I was sober, I’d feel like an idiot,’ she said. ‘I should have realised you two were … an item.’ I searched her face for signs of trouble, but there were none. ‘I’m guessing you’re more than just friends? Maybe friends with benefits?’ She laughed and patted my arm. ‘Enjoy yourself, sweetie. This man is a diamond.’

I breathed a sigh of relief and hugged her. ‘When I told you we weren’t together, it was true … at the time,’ I said.

‘I’m sure it was, dear. No hard feelings.’ She smiled again and staggered off to join the others.

‘Damn! For a minute there I thought I was going to see the two of you fighting over me.’ Des was laughing so I thumped his arm.

‘What is it about the male ego that makes the thought of a girl-fight so appealing? Sometimes I wonder why I … put up with you.’ We rejoined the party and watched the rest of the fireworks.

* * * * *

Normality reigned supreme for the next two weeks and then, at last, the audition was upon us. It was being held at the studio this time and I felt sick to my stomach as Des and I made our way from the car park to the entrance. I couldn’t speak and was convinced I wouldn’t be able to sing a note. Des did all the talking necessary to check in at the reception desk and then he hung our studio passes around our necks and we followed the signs to Studio Four. The contestants and their guests were seated in a sort of anteroom. The floor manager, who introduced himself as David and looked about fifteen, briefed the group. We would be seen in alphabetical order for the interview, which would take place behind closed doors, but the performances would be before a small audience.

David lowered the clipboard he’d been reading from. ‘I’m afraid that for today’s proceedings the performers have to go it alone. Guests must remain here during the interviews and auditions, but you will be able to watch the performances via the video link.’

A chorus of disappointed moans went around the room. None of us had expected this. I looked at Des and he squeezed my hand.

‘I can’t … not without you …’ I was shaking and tearful.

‘Of course you can. I’ll be with you in spirit, babe.’ He held me gently until they called me for the interview. ‘You’ll be fine,’ he said as I got up, but somehow I knew I wouldn’t.

* * * * *

Dear Diary,

Another dream bites the dust. Des says I shouldn’t give up on it yet, but I’m not so sure. I did my best and it wasn’t good enough. Of course, I’m disappointed and I’ll probably cry my eyes out later, but right now I just feel flat and tired; so I’m at home in my PJs and it’s not even 8 p.m. on a Saturday night.

I’m looking at the list. Stupid bloody thing! I should tear it up and forget about it, but I can’t. It’s become part of my life now and I suppose it’s not all bad. I’m not going to sing on TV – but I did get through the first audition. I’m still terrified of flying – but I WILL get over that because Des is taking me to New York, so I have to. That just leaves the ‘date’ with Josh and, as Des says, ‘What constitutes a date?’ Lunch in February? – We’ll see.

He went home to fetch something; he wouldn’t say what it was, but I suppose I’ll find out in due course.

* * * * *

Des never fails to surprise me. He arrived at 8.30 p.m. carrying a battered guitar case and a bottle of wine. Well, the wine didn’t surprise me so much, but the guitar did.

‘Have you eaten?’ he asked, after he’d greeted me. ‘We can’t have you getting undernourished.’

‘Yeah. I had some toast earlier. What about you?’

‘I’m OK. It’s you I’m concerned about.’

‘There’s no need, Des. I’ve been taking care of myself for a long time.’

‘Fine, Ms Independence. Then maybe I can entice you to have a little fun?’

I watched, fascinated, as he tuned his guitar. I thought it strange that he’d never mentioned playing before, but there were still so many things we’d never talked about. I guess it takes a long time to really know all about someone. Then he played and we sang old songs and drank wine and I felt better by the minute.

Later, waking in the night and feeling the warmth of his arms around me, I wondered if I’d ever known happiness like this before. If I had, I certainly couldn’t remember it.

Who needs ‘Stargazing’? Just let me lie in your arms and I’m living the dream.

I kissed him softly and he smiled in his sleep.

Chapter 25: The Green-eyed Monster

The weeks passed as they always do. The writing group started up again. Liz was back at the helm in the office and still on my case, but I was coping better, knowing that, whatever happened on a daily basis, there was always Des to cheer me up. I didn’t see him every day, but there would always be a phone call, or an email, or a string of text messages. Not that we said anything of consequence. We were comfortable together, talking and writing and laughing and running the
Luvsik Memories
website. We slept together from time to time, but not as often as I would have liked.

I hadn’t seen much of Trudi since Christmas. She’d been busily perfecting her dancing skills with the aid of Emilio. At the end of January she invited us over to dinner and lost no time in whisking me away into the kitchen, leaving Emilio to entertain Des.

‘So, what’s new?’ she asked. ‘How’s the list going?’

‘Well, you know I struck out on the
Stargazing
audition. I’m still scared of flying but I have to get over it before April, and I’m meeting Josh Greenwood in two weeks.’

‘And what about Des? Is it going to be “happy ever after”?’

‘Who knows?’ I sighed. ‘We’re happy now … well, I am anyway.’
I don’t know about Des; he never talks about it.
‘What’s the score with you and Emilio? I never thought I’d see you with a toy boy!’

‘It’ll never last. He’s getting on my nerves already, but we’ve had some fun and he knows which buttons to press.’ We laughed and rejoined the men, who were talking cars and football – mates for life.

At the start of February, Angela Tinker called me on a Saturday afternoon to confirm the interview date. I rang Des immediately. His mobile was switched off so I tried the landline. A strange woman answered. I hesitated for a moment.

‘Oh, I must have misdialled.’
I know I didn’t.

‘If you want Des, he’s in the shower. Can I give him a message?’

Who are you? Why are you answering his phone?
My mind was racing and I’d almost forgotten why I was calling. ‘Er, no thanks. Well, you could just tell him I called.’

‘And you are …?’

‘Lydia … just tell him I rang.’ I hung up and paced the floor for ten minutes. My heart was racing and my stomach turned over and over.

He’ll call back. As soon as he gets the message, he’ll call back and tell me she’s his new cleaner, or another sister he forgot to tell me about. Yes, that’s it. She’s his cousin or something, and he’s going to call me as soon as she gives him the message.

Half an hour later he still hadn’t called. I tried to rationalise it in my head. It didn’t really matter whether he rang or not, did it? I’d be seeing him later; we were going to the salsa club with Trudi, so I could fill him in about the phone call then, and he could tell me about his sister or his cousin or whoever she was. We’d laugh and dance and he’d come home with me, or maybe we’d go to his place and spend the night together.

So why do I feel so uneasy? Staring at the phone isn’t going to make it ring.

I made a sandwich and almost choked forcing myself to eat it. Hunger was the last thing on my mind. It was six o’clock by the time I decided he wasn’t going to call. He was due to pick me up at eight, so I took a shower and spent ages choosing an outfit and doing my hair and make-up. I picked up the phone a few times, but put it back down again. I didn’t know what I’d say if
she
was still there. At seven-thirty he sent a text message.

‘Sorry babe, I can’t pick you up. Can we meet at the club at 9? Something came up. D xx’

My chest hurt and I could feel tears starting to form. Something came up? What the hell was that supposed to mean? I should have known better than to expect anything different. After all, he was a man and they’re all the bloody same. Somewhere along the way he’d got bored with our cosy friendship and now something better had come along. It was my own fault. I’d been too available and almost ridiculously grateful for his attention. What kind of an idiot was I? All those years of being a doormat for Bob must have killed any sense I had. Then, as soon as he was out of my life, I’d fallen into bed with the first guy who’d tried it on and, worse still, I’d fallen in love with him. Not that I’d ever said that to Des, but he must have got the message. He knew me so well; he must have known I wasn’t the kind of woman who was available for sex-on-demand without some degree of emotional involvement.

I read the text message again, looking for something to latch onto that would give me hope; something that would make me realise I was overreacting. He’d called me ‘babe’ and signed it with kisses. Despite the pain in my chest, I prayed that was enough. He’d be waiting for an answer to confirm that I’d received it. I typed ‘OK’ and pressed ‘Send’. I called Trudi and we arranged to share a taxi to the club as Emilio had to be there early to set up the room and rehearse. Then I repaired my make-up. It was going to be all right, I was sure of it.

* * * * *

‘I wish you’d stop watching the door.’ Trudi refilled my wine glass. ‘It’s only twenty past and men have no sense of time.’

‘Des is never late,’ I snapped. I checked my phone again, but there were no messages.

‘Well, he is this time.’ I could sense that she was losing her patience so I put the phone away and watched as Emilio finished his demonstration, kissed his partner’s hand and came over to join us. He kissed Trudi, then turned to me.

‘Hola, Leedya! Where is Des?’ Before I could answer, the door swung open and there he was, looking around for us. I raised my hand to wave but lowered it as I saw he wasn’t alone.

Trudi squeezed my arm. ‘Don’t stare,’ she whispered. ‘There’s probably a perfectly simple explanation.’

Biting my lip I muttered, ‘It’d better be a good one.’

Then he was standing at the table. He shook hands with Emilio and Trudi, and turned towards me. He didn’t make eye contact as he extended his hand in my direction.

So we shake hands to greet each other now, do we? I don’t think so!
I glared at him and declined the handshake. Instead, I flashed what I hoped was a welcoming smile at the gorgeous redhead who was standing beside him.

‘Since Desmond seems to have forgotten his manners, allow me to perform the introductions,’ I began. I was heartened to notice that Des seemed suddenly uncomfortable. ‘This is Trudi and Emilio; I’m Lydia, and you are …?’

‘Alice,’ she said, smiling at everyone and taking the seat beside me. ‘Delighted to meet you all. I believe we spoke on the phone earlier, Lydia?’

Des remained standing, shifting uneasily from one foot to the other. I almost felt sorry for him, but not quite sorry enough to make it easier.

‘Are you going to stand there all night, Des?’ I asked. ‘Because while you’re on your feet you could get the drinks in.’

‘Er … yes, OK. What’s everyone having?’

‘I’ll have the usual, darling.’ Alice was the first to respond.

Darling? They’ve been separated for over a year and she calls him ‘Darling’?

I felt the pressure of Trudi’s hand on my arm again as she spoke.

‘Lyd and I are drinking the house white,
darling.
’

Emilio stood up and looked at his watch. ‘I have to start the dance class now. I will drink with you later.’ He kissed Trudi’s hand. ‘And I will dance with these beautiful ladies shortly.’ He winked as he walked away. Des returned from the bar and took the seat Emilio had vacated. This placed him facing me and it was difficult to avoid looking at him, but I managed somehow. I was sure I would go to pieces if our eyes met. The conversation was trivial and awkward. Alice told us she had recently returned from Australia where she’d been co-hosting a TV show in Sydney.

Not only bloody gorgeous, but apparently talented and practically famous! I hate her!

But I couldn’t hate her, not really. She was sweet and funny and quite charming. No wonder Des preferred her to me. I didn’t have anything interesting to say and left the small talk to Trudi while I watched Emilio teach the beginners’ class. When the class ended and the general dancing resumed, Trudi stood up.

‘Just off to the loo. Don’t miss me too much.’ On her way out she spoke to Emilio and a moment later he came over and asked Alice to dance – hardly the most subtle of moves. Des and I looked at each other for the first time all evening. My eyes were starting to fill up and I looked away from him. I couldn’t let him see how much I was hurting.

‘Lyd …’ he began. ‘I know what this must look like … how you must be feeling …’

I looked into his eyes again. ‘You don’t have a clue, Des. You really don’t.’ I couldn’t stop the tear that escaped. ‘Please, don’t say anything else right now. I’m going home while I still have some dignity left. You can tell the others I got sick or something.’

Chapter 26: Going It Alone

So that was it. I slipped away and called a cab. I went to bed, where I became the ultimate cliché, crying myself to sleep and waking periodically to remember the good times and cry again. I kept the phone switched off. I didn’t want explanations or apologies. I also didn’t want sympathy from Trudi yet, although I knew I’d need it soon enough.