Always His (Crazed Devotion #1) (7 page)

I got the tattoo right after I finished basic and never regretted it. It didn’t matter what path I was on, Nicole would always have my heart.

She stepped in closer as her eyes scanned over each line, and her throat bobbed as she swallowed hard. Melanie stepped back to give us some space. I wasn’t sure if Nicole would be pissed or touched by the words, so I remained silent, allowing them to sink in.

She’ll always hold my heart in her hands.

My sweet Nicole. Brave, enduring, and compassionate.

My love will never fade, no matter where life leads us.

Before I got the tattoo, I thought over these words again and again. I rearranged and changed them more time than I can count until they were just right.

Before I had time to prepare myself, she traced the tip of her finger over the words. My breath hitched, and fuck, my heart felt like it would beat right out of my chest.

“When?” she asked, and I knew she was asking when I’d gotten it.

“The week after I got stationed in Germany.”

She looked up at me, and her eyes were full of tears. “Why?”

Her question felt like a kick in the stomach. I know she thought my love for her was just a lie, but it was never fabricated. I have always adored her. Leaving her felt like being gutted.

“Because I love you,” I whispered. “I always have and I always will.”

Her lower lip trembled, and I wanted to wrap her in my arms and pull her close so badly, but I fought the urge.

“If you loved me so much, then why’d you let go so easily?” she asked as she lowered her hand from my chest and fisted it at her side. “You just stopped calling, you stopped writing, and then it was like you disappeared.”

“If I had asked you to come with me, would you have come?” I asked.

Standing in the center of a room surrounded by Elle and Melanie, plus men who were here to deliver furniture wasn’t what I’d pictured when we had this conversation. Even though they had all tried to appear busy and move away from where we stood, I knew they could all hear our every word. I had hoped Nicole and I would be sharing these things in private. But apparently Nicole didn’t care that we were in front of an audience. Her emotions were finally taking her over, and I had no choice but to accept the situation I’d found myself in.

“Would you have come with me?” I asked, already knowing the answer. She shook her head as a tear trailed along her left cheek. “That’s why I had to let go,” I whispered, and she closed her eyes tightly. “But the decision was torture.”

She opened her eyes. They were red and tears pooled in them.

I reached out for her, needing to comfort her, but she stepped back.

“I can’t do this,” she whispered as she turned and walked away, leaving me standing there with all eyes on me. And my heart ached with an unbelievable pain.

I
was perfectly happy and content spending my day playing dolls and eating fake food off my coffee table. Tori and I had even taken a nap together, which was something I hadn’t done with her in months. But my moping around my apartment was obviously irritating my best friend. Liz had shown up at my door with Elle in tow and insisted I needed a girls’ night. The three bottles of wine they brought showed me they meant business.

Tori finally gave in at nine thirty, passing out in the middle of the floor, her head resting in my lap as I combed her hair with my fingers. My mind wandered to Ryker as I did. It hadn’t done much of anything else since he’d returned to town.

“I’m not saying what Ryker did was right,” Elle began, and I lifted my head to look at her. “He should have gone about it differently, we all know that. But anybody can tell he loves you.”

“Um, yeah, why else would a man brand himself with a woman’s name? Imagine explaining that to the woman you marry.” Liz’s eyes widened in horror at the thought.

“It’s not a matter of if he loves me. I’m not questioning that,” I replied, my stomach flipping as I spoke.

“Then what is it?” Liz set her wine on the coffee table and leaned in, placing her elbows on top of it. I felt like the room was closing in on me as Elle and Liz looked at me, waiting for an explanation.

“I’m scared,” I confessed. The words made my throat burn and my stomach ache. “What if I let him in again and he decides he can’t stay here? Then it wouldn’t only be me feeling the loss but Tori too. I looked back down at my little girl as she slept soundly, her tiny hands fisted in my shirt. “Me accepting Ryker back into my life just opens up the possibility of Victoria being hurt.”

“Yeah, but holding back from a chance at happiness could hurt her as well,” Elle said, and I knew she was right. But that didn’t take away the fear. Tori had already missed out on having a father. The idea of my little girl falling in love with Ryker only to have him leave her made a sick feeling settle deep in my stomach.

“I’m gonna take her to bed,” I said and slid my arm under her tiny body. Careful not to wake her, I tucked my legs under myself and rose to my knees, holding her securely against my chest.

Elle and Liz remained quiet as I walked to Tori’s bedroom. After placing her in her bed, I lowered myself to the floor beside her and just watched her sleep. I smiled at the sight of her sweet little lips puckered out.

When she was a baby, she would make these little sucking noises in the middle of the night that always made me laugh. I missed those days; she was growing up too fast.

I placed a kiss against her forehead, pausing for just a moment to breathe in her baby-powder scent. “Good night, sweet girl,” I whispered as I pushed her hair away from her face. “I love you.” I paused in her doorway once more and looked back and smiled as she curled onto her side and tucked her hand beneath her cheek.

I stepped into the hallway and froze. The deep chuckle echoing down the hall made my stomach tighten. I needed to set Elle and Liz straight. They’d completely ignored me when I told them I wasn’t sure I could ever let Ryker in again. I took a few steps toward the living room and listened.

“She’s gonna be pissed you two let me in,” Ryker said, but I could tell he was wearing that cocky smile of his by the tone of his voice.

“She’ll get over it,” Liz said, and I began thinking of ways I could pay her back for being such a traitor. “I’m not saying I forgive you for dropping her the way you did, but I know she still loves you. She just won’t admit it—not to you anyway.”

“I didn’t drop her,” Ryker replied, this time with no humor in his voice. “I let her go because I didn’t want to hold her back. I should’ve held on, but damn, Liz, I fucked up. I don’t know how to fix it, but I sure as hell ain’t gonna give up trying.”

Silence filled the room, and I took it as my cue to enter. Three sets of eyes turned in my direction as I stood in the doorway with my arms crossed over my chest.

Elle looked at Ryker, Ryker pointed toward Liz, and my best friend just grinned. She was so gonna get an earful later.

“Are you three enjoying yourselves?” I asked as I snatched up the bottle of wine and my glass and sat in the chair farthest from the man who made my heart race.

“I am now,” he said in a husky whisper, and Elle covered her face with her hand as she shook with laughter. I couldn’t help the laughter that escaped me.

“Wow, that was so cheesy,” I said, filling my glass to the brim.

“So, Ryker, where’ve you been all this time?” Elle asked the question I didn’t have the nerve to.

“Germany,” he replied as he leaned forward and picked up a bottle of beer I hadn’t noticed before. “I served two tours, one in Iraq, the other in Afghanistan. Each one was close to a year. In between I just trained and got by.” The sadness in his voice pulled at something inside me.

“I bet that’s a time you’ll never forget,” Elle said in a somber tone.

“No,” Ryker said as he looked up and his gaze connected with mine. “I lost a lot during that time, and not just over there.”

It didn’t take a genius to figure out he was including me in that loss. I stood, grabbing the empty bottle of wine from earlier. I suddenly needed some space.

Once I entered the kitchen, I placed my glass on the countertop and kept my back toward the living room. I felt the tears sneaking up on me, and it pissed me off that Ryker had brought back all those emotions.

“Hey.” I squeezed my eyes shut tightly as I took in a calming breath. “Sorry I upset you,” Ryker said from close behind me. “That was never my intention. I just wanted you to know I regret letting you go more than anything.”

He placed one arm on either side of me, caging me in as he pressed his front firmly against my back. “The only thing I’ll ever regret about becoming a Marine is that I lost you in the process. I thought it would be easier for us to stay together, but you know yourself that things felt off when we talked.” I leaned back against him even though my mind was screaming to move away. “I wanted you to come with me, but I understood why you couldn’t. I didn’t want to put you through all the heartache, so I just let go.”

“And I felt the heartache anyway. Right alongside the anger,” I whispered.

“It wasn’t easy for me either, Nicole.” He pressed his lips against the back of my head and didn’t pull away. “Letting go of you was one of the hardest things I ever did. I just want a chance to show you I’m sorry. A chance to prove I’ve never stopped loving you.”

I turned in his arms and looked up at him. “I don’t know if I can let you back in. I want to, Ryker, I do, but I just don’t know if I can.” I placed my hand against the center of his chest, feeling his heart beat against my palm. “And I have Tori to think about. If you decided you couldn’t stay and broke her heart by leaving, I would never forgive myself.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m here for good, even if you can’t forgive me. But it sure would make things a whole lot better if you decided to let me back in.” He smiled as he dipped his head and placed a soft kiss against my lips. “I can wait, no matter how long it takes. Just being in the same room as you without you wanting to run in the opposite direction is good enough for now.”

His mouth hovered over mine, as if he was debating whether he should kiss me again. I spent many nights dreaming of kissing those lips again, so I took the initiative and closed the distance between us.

Ryker cupped my jaw as he willingly accepted my gentle kiss. My body melted into his as I concentrated on the feeling of his lips against mine.

“Oh shit, sorry.” I pulled back just in time to catch Liz backing out of the kitchen—with a sheepish grin on her face. I was convinced my best friend was the devil in disguise.

Ryker leaned in farther and pressed his body against mine as he buried his face in my hair. His chest vibrated against me as he laughed. “That should give her something to talk about.”

“Yeah,” I said with a smile. “Believe me, I’ll never hear the end of it.”